Passive Aggressive Husband » resentment

Again a sulking face? No more negativity!

alfaprima — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 15:54:15 +0000

When I feel that he has a “Sulking Face for No Reason,” the dream I’m yearning for is…calm and peace.

Some 65% of the responses are:

1. “I would like to feel that when and if he starts sulking, it’s a momentary lapse. It’s normal to feel a little let down sometimes, but he needs to let it go, get back in the game, and resolve the issue like an adult.”

2. “Some honesty between us would be great. He could just tell me when something is truly bothering him, and if he needs his space, I would give it to him. Instead, my PA husband claims that “he is not sulking,” when he clearly is. Worse still, he blames me for causing his bad mood!”

3. “I wish he would feel secure enough in our relationship to know that he can not only communicate with me, and tell me what’s wrong, but that he can also let down his guard and let down his walls. I want him to know I’m here to support and comfort him, not undermine him. If my husband felt supported and happy, my family would be happy too.”

In what other ways would you know that he can calmly solve problems?

• “I don’t have to pretend things are fine just so he’s not offended.”

• “He acts his age and meets me on an adult level, even if he doesn’t get what he wants.”

• “When he has an issue with something in our relationship, he is calm and doesn’t make me feel like a criminal.”

• “He lets me know that my love and my support mean the world to him.”

• “When he’s sad or angry, I know I can bring a smile to his face and snap him out of it.”

• “He knows he can confide in me and trust me.”

• “He respects every member of our family, and never takes his anger out on them.”

I simply need a peaceful relationship.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be in a peaceful and nurturing relationship, to receive positive affection and encouraging support…how are you going to establish a peace zone in your life, where there is no sulking, no negativity and no love refusal? How are you going to provide yourself with this peaceful emotional area in a constant way?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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I would like to feel as if I matter to him!

alfaprima — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:59:31 +0000

First things first….Thanks to every one of you who dared share the “Dreams” Survey. Your dreams are so heart-felt and moving that I have to read them a bit at a time…they are so powerful and moving! We will share some reflections on them soon, but first let me give you a taste of the issues we are dealing with here:

The core of some messages goes deep into the issue of IDENTITY:

Like asking the basic existential question:

“Who am I to him? a fellow human being, deserving of respect for my needs, or a mere thing?“

“I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who loves me and cares enough for me to listen to my needs and try to fill some of them. I’m not asking for someone perfect to fulfill my every wish and desire, just someone who loves me enough to TRY, to want to do things that make me feel happy and loved. And, I would do the same for that partner. With my PA husband, I feel like he gives the exact opposite of anything I ask for. I am always being “punished” somehow for having any needs at all.”

“That my emotional needs are important to my partner, even if he does not understand them completely; if I communicate my needs, I expect him to try and meet them if he really cares and loves me and not try and undermine and deny how I feel.”

“I want to feel that my emotional needs are important to him and I would like him to show it with his behavior, not just say it.”

Looks like the marriage deal is a not so hidden contract of reciprocal confirmation: “I will confirm that you are a valuable human being by listening and respecting your needs, and you will do the same for me…”

Even when violation of this basic contract between you and your spouse is happening all the time, our survey confirms that any of you forgets the basic purpose of being married: to get support, confirmation and validation from your spouse, and reciprocally, to give to him this kind of recognition.

What happens if we feel that we give him respect, attention and validation, but not receive the same for our own needs? Well, sometimes I tend to think if this behavior is the norm, then I’m getting shortchanged and abused. Our human need to be appreciated never goes away, what it does is to force us to find other sources for it. If we don’t satisfy it, our soul whiter and dies of starvation. What other will see is our lack of a strong self-esteem….what we experience is the loss of an inner center of strength and identity.

And why a spouse? because that is the most important contract of our lives! to find another person who can see and appreciate our qualities, (even the hidden ones) and praise them and admire them…This is the real basis for love, do you agree?
We tend to love those compassionate people who can see in us positive aspects perhaps we tend to ignore, and talk about them, and appreciate them, and make them real….

Here and then, you know that you really matter to that person… Is there a better love proof!

Neil Warner

I would like to feel as if I matter to him! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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How Can A Passive Aggressive Person Change?

alfaprima — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 19:57:00 +0000

We hear this question all the time, here and there. Well intentioned wives ask this question out of their loving hearts, still assuming that this kind of change is possible. They need any bit of hope they can get so much! Let’s try an answer here:

First, he needs to want to change, but really, he doesn’t want to drop this behavior at all. It’s his favorite defense against the world and demanding intruders like women in their lives…

If there is some behavior we really know, because is too frequent, is that functioning using passive aggression is not a choice; some people have learned from very early that is safer to play dead and be noncommittal in any personal relationship. Probably, they have been hurt before, so now they don’t risk opening up.

For them this behavior is functional behavior, allowing them to imagine that in this way they are protected from probable harm coming from other people.

Besides, going down to the dynamics of any couple, a passive aggressive husband is very cozy with you functioning as his complement and covering up the difference between what he promises and what he delivers…

So, is there no hope? What can you do? Well, you can change your own responses, and thus force him to adapt to the new situation created by your new behavior….And then, voila! You have change!

Do you want an example?

Usually, you go around him tiptoeing and walking on eggshells up until he gives a superficial consent to some project. Even then, you are not sure he will deliver…if you use your own old behavior, then you will be there waiting for him to deliver.

The new behavior is telling him that you expect him to deliver, but just in case he can’t, for some reason, you have plan B lined up.

When he produces finally his answer, (as you have moved on pursuing this project without being stuck waiting for his delayed response) you can either adopt his solution so discarding your Plan B, or if your own solution is still better, use your own solution and move ahead. No regrets, no guilt, no procrastination!

This behavior takes away his power of controlling you through postponement and confusion, thus inviting him to come up with some new behavior to answer your actions. Here you have moved him to change, right?

What if you still feel that you have no power whatsoever to implement this approach? Or you feel that you can’t do anything that could frustrate him? Well, you need more than this article; you need to read “Passive Aggressive Husband,” and get all the support you can muster in order to push yourself to grow!

BECAUSE if you don’t reach out and get some strong help, your marital situation will only get worst, you will lose your time and your energy doing the same thing that doesn’t help you now (“bear and grin,” perhaps?) and your promised change is not coming by itself.

IN SHORT:

No, he will not spontaneously change; you need to change your behavior towards him; if you can’t do it alone, please, get help reading our postings, our ebooks and posting here your questions to get some realistic, easy to apply suggestions to recover yourself. Good luck!

Neil Warner

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Stress and conflict in a passive aggressive marriage

alfaprima — Mon, 10 May 2010 09:29:53 +0000

Recent research has shown that our bodies are intertwined with all our emotional states. Our hearts, lungs, stomach and all our internal organs respond to the stress level we experience. Our bodies are faster than the mind to recognize emotional threats in a way that we are not so much aware of, and this can have devastating effects in our health.

What happens when you look for peace and love at home, and you find too many squabbles? You are searching for refuge and find instead constant quarreling with your spouse? Wouldn’t it be healthier to be able to go home and find loving companionship? This kind of home will give your health a boost, and make your heart repair from other stresses.

Some couple fights are inevitable given that both parties, male and female need to start a fight sometimes when in need of refreshing the connection and companionship, and to keep the relationship growing.

Fighting without the necessary skills to control escalation can do a lot of damage to your health and your relationship. What matters in preventing unhealthy consequences is the quality of the fighting, and the most important piece is each side taking responsibility for what they say and do.

There is the special case of marital conflict when one partner shows passive aggressive behaviors, where a supposedly mature person behaves in a way that pushes their own share of responsibilities to their partner’s side. The other side is always guilty, or needs to change, etc.

And if the accused partner tries to redress this issue, the response they get is not a good conversation about “what do we need to do now to improve”, but blaming, accusations, bad temper and either sulking or complete withdrawal.

The main difference in the quality of the interaction hinges on the mutual respect they can show for each other, even in the heat of an argument.

Knowing this, there has to be a way to learn how to create a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate with respect, and this is the area of fair fighting skills.

These are a set of skills that help partners clarify the situation, allow both sides to recognize their needs and provide a way to find a solution without violence.

Fighting and having a strong discussion with a passive aggressive partner will not give wives the recognition they need in the first moment, before the fight.

But, due to their ignorance of methods to fight fair, they find themselves being more attacked, hurt and put down.

Do you need training in fair fighting techniques to deal with any passive aggressive partner in your life?

Neil Warner

Stress and conflict in a passive aggressive marriage is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Passive aggression and home duties

alfaprima — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:18:02 +0000

In a normal marriage, there is always going on a healthy negotiation about shared tasks, sometimes described as “marital division of labor.”

Both can agree in a simple conversation who is going to do what, taking into account the circumstances of each person, but also the need to have the tasks done.

As an example, when both spouses are responsible for grocery shopping, they will have a system in place that guarantees there is food in the fridge and milk for Monday’s breakfast.

This ideal task distribution is what makes a marriage such a cooperative, nurturing experience. Both sides know that the other will comply with what needs to be done, so both can be secure and happy. In the case of any emergency, there are no buts, if or “I forgot” answers, but immediate response to the question: what do we need to do now? so things can go back to normal fast.

You are going to say: “This is the ideal cooperative marriage…only in the movies!” Very frequently there are obstacles to having an equal partnership, and one side feels like the other is giving orders, or commanding him to do house tasks when the conversation about chores pops up.

Usually for men not educated enough, talking about sharing house chores will be experienced as a threat to their masculinity. Wives expecting them to respond and answer to shared planning? No way!

They can respond with indignation and some open aggression…or they can feign to go along, say that they accept their shared responsibility, and then resort to passive aggressive mode.

What is passive aggression? Is a complex mix of perceptions and emotions that push a man into a resistant stance, whereby he sees himself as defending from a wife’s “intrusions” and having to protect himself from what he sees as “her control.”

Here, it’s useful to see that is this sustained reaction to holding up his share of the marriage duties is what causes most of the discussions and fights between the couple.

His interpretation of the wife as controlling avoids his taking up his share of responsibilities, and puts him in the role of a child hiding from the grown up’s expectations about him.

In order to resist, he could be doing behaviors like:

• Eternally making excuses to avoid his obligations;
• Performing a task inefficiently that the spouse has to do it;
• Always “forgetting” what he promised to do;
• Using sarcasm describing his “controlling” wife.

In general, he can portray himself as the victim of marriage duties, using a permanent pessimistic mood, even when all is going well, and he is supposed to be happily married.

How can a wife deal with this character without feeling that she is constantly being sabotaged by him?

First, she needs to know this is a defense mechanism, learned along his earlier life experiences, and not exclusively directed against her. It’s the way he deals with life’s challenges….and can be observed in his work, in his other relationships and while dealing with his own projects. His “natural” answers are procrastination, denial, and forgetfulness.

Beyond knowing that passive aggressive behavior is his way of connecting, what else can she do?

Because there is a need to keep shared responsibilities taken care of, if she does everything, finally she will feel that she is married to no one.

The main question here for most of our readers is: “Who is there to share the burden, if he “forgets” to be active and present in his own marriage?”

We think here that there are ways of negotiating a shared partnership with spouses. If we could learn creative ways of cancelling passive aggressive behavior in the household front…life would be better, right?

Neil Warner

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How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

alfaprima — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:34:38 +0000

In a very kind letter, Rosy said:

“In my own way to learn detachment, there were several moments I do remember as very important for me:

The first thing I decided to do: I completely stopped opening a conversation with him about the future of our relationship.
Then, I completely stopped touching him or getting near him in a loving way…and watched his reaction”

You probably are surprised, and asking: is this what I need to do?

YES, to reconnect with your own feelings, you need to detach. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him any more; it means you are opening your own space to get to know who are you and what do you feel…

If you perceive that he is ready to look like he will open up a conversation, (because you are strangely silent) saying something like “what do you think we could do…” just wait a bit more:

—Go and do the dishes, play with the cat, go to the bathroom, do something else, but do not accept his invitation to take over the conversation about “where do we go from here..”

—Focus your attention on watering the plants, feed the dog, take out the trash, but don’t engage.

—Instead, take the time to sit down, and explore your feelings…how do you feel? Angry? Exhausted? Hopeless? Own any feelings appearing inside you: there is only one way to recover yourself and is through owning your emotions.

—Cry, yell if you need to, but don’t let him see you, or communicate any of these feelings to him.

Stay in this contained situation until you feel that you own your feelings, and that you can manage them. You are not at his mercy, but you can control yourself.

This kind of detachment separates your own feelings from whatever he tries to make you feel; ends confusion and makes you the owner of your own power. Is a temporary emotional separation that allows you to recover the person you are and center in yourself. Without this centering, any “talk” with him will confuse you again, and make again feel that you are lost….Just take control of yourself, and center!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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Passive Aggressive Wife: Do You Know Her?

alfaprima — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 19:29:49 +0000

From all the correspondence, postings and requests we receive, the overwhelming majority are desperate wives complaining about their husbands. We have initiated this blog, which reaches sometimes 500 hits a day, to help those wives find ways of preserving their marriages and diminish or control the relationship pain so as to get to a place of peace and understanding. And, in the extreme cases where the wife wants to leave the relationship, we also provide support for this process.

Guess what? Here and there, we receive a letter from a husband, asking: what about my situation? Do you have any advice for the victim of a passive aggressive wife? Or my loneliness and suffering have to be ignored?

So, here is your initial response. More will come, of course, but this is the first take on this issue…how can you recognize a PA wife?

The main challenge to think about this question comes from traditional female education about being passive and obedient. Girls are still socialized in this way in many parts of the world; and being subservient and self-denying is accepted and encouraged. How can you be any more obedient? Or…how do you show your anger by being obedient, if being obedient is showing off how a “good wife” you are?

Well, you can be too obedient….you can kill any initiative from your side which risks making your husband feel not valued or appreciated. He will not have anything to complain about, or at the same time, anything to rejoice about!

One of the favorite arenas is the sexual arena. If the wife always waits for him to take the iniciative, is she being complacent or saying that she is not really interested? This question will appear in the mind of the husband, and after some time, he will begin to feel under appreciated.

Again, how do you denounce this? How do you complain about “perfect wife behavior,” taken to the extremes?

The few husbands already telling are describing a passivity that leaves all initiatives on their shoulders, a blank acceptance that smothers all enthusiasm and the impossibility to comment on relational issues with her without having a tantrum.

Perhaps we should think about the modalities of passive aggression used by a wife to express her anger without words. Perhaps you have other examples to share?

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Tips to manage difficult husband’s behaviors

norafem — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 06:02:39 +0000

Amy Sutherland, an exotic animal trainer is offering her learnings training wild animals in captivity as transferable to manage your husband’s behavior.

Even when this suggestion can appear as preposterous, there is much wisdom in this approach. If you are really at your wit’s end, why not to try this?

The first step is to detach. You need to teach yourself to be detached, able to see any behavior from your husband in an impersonal way, and to stop taking his faults personally, (like avoid seeing his dirty clothes on the floor as a personal affront, or a symbol of how he doesn’t care enough about you).

The second step is you should reward behavior you like and completely ignore behavior you don’t. This means not only stop nagging, but learn to block from your perception the behavior you don’t want. You become more and more “blind” to that behavior…..and only see what you can appreciate.

If he is doing his usual passive aggressive routine, being silent and leaving you in a vacuum, don’t escalate into a full blown discussion. Don’t ask for a solution, don’t repeat your question, and don’t issue a deadline. Just go about your life, undisturbed.

In Amy’s words, “When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn’t respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away.”

In the next opportunity your husband is raising his voice, trashing things around and looking upset, you can try to say nothing, and keep doing what you are doing.

It can take a lot of discipline to maintain your calm, but it helps to think that his mood is probably not related to you. There are several sources of his discomfort, and usually you are not his problem….and if he insists on telling you that you are the problem, is because he is nervous. If you don’t escalate the fight, and try to stay calm, he will calm down.

This strategy is paired with constant recognition. Whatever positive action, even if it is bringing the groceries from the car to the kitchen, needs thanks from you. If he is doing more, like doing grocery shopping alone, you can even give him a kiss.

All this strategy applies also the concept that whatever you focus on, it tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like his tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and it will negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to him before.

Of course, it’s difficult to find aspects to praise when you are upset and dissapointed with your partner, but this can be a new way to frame the relationship and take you out of a dissapointing rut.

Here are some extra ideas that you can consider:

Every time you need to ask him about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
Don’t you dare to mention his negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
If the results are awful, you can always praise his good intention;
Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or his good disposition even along the busiest day;
Don’t be mean, don’t link praise with immediate critique: “you did well, but forgot this part.” In this case, the “but” will cancel the praise.

Apply this techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationship, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.

Neil Warner

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Is your Passive Aggressive Spouse Making you Feel Crazy?

norafem — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:59:26 +0000

Have you ever had one of those fights with your spouse where you just explode while your mate just looks at you calmly, making you feel like you have lost your mind?

He’ll call you crazy and brush off what had made you so upset in the first place. Lets rewind and take a look at what causes this behavior.

Joanne, a working mother, is kept busy by long hours at the office and by two active children. Her husband Keith is a hard worker but he does not enjoy helping out around the house. Joanne has a busy day planned and asks Keith to do the laundry. Keith agrees and Joanne leaves the house. When she gets home, Joanne finds the laundry unwashed and crumpled on the floor. Keith’s excuse is that he forgot.

This can be the last straw for Joanne. It seems that whatever she asks Keith to do, never gets done, and she begins to see a pattern in his “forgetfulness”…he forgets whatever he doesn’t want to do, but never confronts her directly.

After multiple experiences with this passive aggressive behavior, the wife may eventually explode. Then, to her surprise, her mate will remain calm, roll his eyes at her, and make her feel like she are the crazy one. Why is she screaming, when he unfortunately only forgot to do it?

Remember, a passive aggressive spouse will take his anger out on you in an indirect way. He won’t come out and say “I don’t want to do the laundry today,” but will conveniently “forget” to do it instead. When his spouse gets upset with him, he has all the excuses in the world. He refuses to take blame for his passive aggressive behavior and rationalizes what he has done.

Furthermore, he feels that he must win the argument by convincing his spouse that she was the wrong one. This type of manipulation is common for a passive aggressive spouse, and can add a lot of aggravation to their relationship. She can’t trust to delegate any domestic task on him in the future, and in this way he is off the hook. And anger builds up.

Perhaps the only way is to work with the husband and find a trade off: if he really doesn’t want to do domestic chores, what else can he do to help the overburdened wife? By discussing his resistance in the open some clarity can be achieved and expectations can be lowered to the level of what is real. It can save her some negative feelings of frustration, in the future, only if he delivers on the trade off tasks assigned to him.

Neil Warner

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The Silent Partner is an Angry Partner

norafem — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:23:07 +0000

When there is something that irritates your partner, you don’t get any inkling of his/her disgust. What you possible get is more silence than before. Have you noticed this response?

Here we will learn how to interpret more silence as anger, repressed anger from a partner.

There is no reason someone would fell suddenly silent, if she is not trying either to control a reaction or to show something that can’t be conveyed in words. Here we have non-verbal behavior, and this behavior has a message: “I’m very angry at you, or at the situation, or at something”

You’d better pay attention now, because your loved one is swallowing his/her feelings, ignoring and denying that there is a conflict to be resolved, but with anger festering inside.

The result is that, with broken communication between both of you, there is a growing withdrawing of cooperation from shared daily life.

Without knowing the reason why, you can see yourself excluded from some projects or find that there is no follow-through to previous projects, and no explanation is given…

This is the time to ask yourself: could it be that my partner is angry as hell, and can’t show it?

Scary as it can be, it’s true that some angry reaction is brewing inside, and you are left with the task to bring it up to a level where it can be confronted and resolved.

NOTHING will happen, but more hidden anger, if you don’t step up to the plate and do something. Whatever you plan to do, is better than ignoring the silent partner, because silence is a communication that you can’t ignore.

The first task is not to feel invalidated or criticized by the silence; perhaps you can maintain your self-esteem thinking of the situation as produced by his/her non-existent skills at fair fighting in a marriage. It’s not your fault, OK?

Refuse to match the denial and begin your talk about “our present concern” in terms of a shared responsibility.
Offer a supportive mood: “we’ll talk about it as soon as you feel ready”
Keep being clear about the issue: “we both need to have a shared decision on this issue, because it’s important to both of us.”

And clarify your expectations: if this person has a way to discuss things with you, and this is a momentary situation, be encouraged and keep supporting. If he has not the disposition or habit to discuss things with you, and focus only on his hurt feelings, you can have a steeper battle in front of you.

Marriage is a shared endeavor, and we need talk to share opinions, ask questions, and decide issues. As much as your silent partner bails out from this task, and leaves you alone deciding things for the two of them, you don’t have a husband but a dependent child. It’s now the time for you to make that distinction?

Neil Warner

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