Is loving your PA husband wasted love?

April 8, 2010 By

After all those married years, one fine morning the view got projected into your vision, and you discovered the real name of this empty, cold and disappointing relationship. You understood that you have spent your married life in this barren state of mind that is a passive aggressive marriage.

Lost are the initial illusions of intimacy, support and warmth. You had to learn to survive in a battle field of empty promises, cold shoulders and general loneliness. The abandonment scenario has been there all the time, it’s only now that you get to really see it….

What are you going to do now? How can you reconcile this reality, the same you’ve been denying all these years, with your needs? And, even a deeper question pops up: how are you going to see your own history up until now, as one of wasted love or something else?

You are confronted now with a fork in the road. One side takes you to the usual path: deny the loneliness, the love starvation you have been up until now; the other fork of the road takes you in a new direction.

Are you going to begin to be true to yourself? Have you won the right to say your truth, no matter what happens? Stop walking on egg shells and say out loud: “this is too lonely for me, and I need something different?”

This point is really also a breakthrough for the marriage. If sometimes the spouse of a PA person puts up with a lot, and in the process developing a deep resentment never addressed, getting to the moment of truth frees you from this tacit contract.

You are not supposed to continue going along with the charade that his behavior is enough company, enough support, enough love. It’s the time to learn how not to be silent, how to be aggressive in the good sense, and begin asking for what you really need.

Being assertive means that you know your needs; know that what he gives you is not enough food four your heart and soul, and that you need this time a real satisfaction of your needs for connection, love and respect.

And the old way of yielding to his sour mood in order to please him, to only keep the peace? it’s gone with the wind; you can’t sustain that pretense any longer. Your own integrity is demanding that now, for the first time, you have to put your own needs first…and follow through.

It doesn’t matter if he gets furious; it doesn’t matter if he goes into a hostile silence that lasts six weeks…your own integrity demands now that you’d be coherent with yourself. If there is something you need to do to procure more company, recognition, or support outside of the marriage, now is the moment of reaching out to your friends and family, and change your past response of accommodating to his passive aggression to one of self-assertion.

And, what happens with our basic question: was your love for him a wasted love? Of course not! it was only your own process of getting to love yourself first, which took some time to develop.

How come? Let’s see….How often did you put up with his rejection, only to be able to continue believing that you were part of a couple? Your being accepting of his quirkiness, wasn’t it also your need not to be alone, and to avoid getting other person angry at you?

In life, the more we prostitute ourselves for acceptance, the less we are accepted; in comparison with the price you paid, there was never any real appreciation, any real acceptance. This is your lesson.

If and when you are back into the person you really are, you will see that the learnings are deep: from now on, you know what do you want in life; you are not afraid of expressing your needs, and you also know that, as you did your individual spiritual development, he has to do his own process…

Who knows what is inside him and needs to be expressed, instead of his constant sulking? Whatever it is, now it is only his business…This is not your business any longer!

You did your best, and learned your lesson…Now, can you take the new, not the old road and see where it takes you to? It could be pretty educational, and also fun!

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: assertiveness, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Passive aggression and home duties

March 12, 2010 By

In a normal marriage, there is always going on a healthy negotiation about shared tasks, sometimes described as “marital division of labor.”

Both can agree in a simple conversation who is going to do what, taking into account the circumstances of each person, but also the need to have the tasks done.

As an example, when both spouses are responsible for grocery shopping, they will have a system in place that guarantees there is food in the fridge and milk for Monday’s breakfast.

This ideal task distribution is what makes a marriage such a cooperative, nurturing experience. Both sides know that the other will comply with what needs to be done, so both can be secure and happy. In the case of any emergency, there are no buts, if or “I forgot” answers, but immediate response to the question: what do we need to do now? so things can go back to normal fast.

You are going to say: “This is the ideal cooperative marriage…only in the movies!” Very frequently there are obstacles to having an equal partnership, and one side feels like the other is giving orders, or commanding him to do house tasks when the conversation about chores pops up.

Usually for men not educated enough, talking about sharing house chores will be experienced as a threat to their masculinity. Wives expecting them to respond and answer to shared planning? No way!

They can respond with indignation and some open aggression…or they can feign to go along, say that they accept their shared responsibility, and then resort to passive aggressive mode.

What is passive aggression? Is a complex mix of perceptions and emotions that push a man into a resistant stance, whereby he sees himself as defending from a wife’s “intrusions” and having to protect himself from what he sees as “her control.”

Here, it’s useful to see that is this sustained reaction to holding up his share of the marriage duties is what causes most of the discussions and fights between the couple.

His interpretation of the wife as controlling avoids his taking up his share of responsibilities, and puts him in the role of a child hiding from the grown up’s expectations about him.

In order to resist, he could be doing behaviors like:

• Eternally making excuses to avoid his obligations;
• Performing a task inefficiently that the spouse has to do it;
• Always “forgetting” what he promised to do;
• Using sarcasm describing his “controlling” wife.

In general, he can portray himself as the victim of marriage duties, using a permanent pessimistic mood, even when all is going well, and he is supposed to be happily married.

How can a wife deal with this character without feeling that she is constantly being sabotaged by him?

First, she needs to know this is a defense mechanism, learned along his earlier life experiences, and not exclusively directed against her. It’s the way he deals with life’s challenges….and can be observed in his work, in his other relationships and while dealing with his own projects. His “natural” answers are procrastination, denial, and forgetfulness.

Beyond knowing that passive aggressive behavior is his way of connecting, what else can she do?

Because there is a need to keep shared responsibilities taken care of, if she does everything, finally she will feel that she is married to no one.

The main question here for most of our readers is: “Who is there to share the burden, if he “forgets” to be active and present in his own marriage?”

We think here that there are ways of negotiating a shared partnership with spouses. If we could learn creative ways of cancelling passive aggressive behavior in the household front…life would be better, right?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How to trust his behaviors?

February 25, 2010 By

Balancing trust with self-preservation is a very difficult balancing act….If you want to keep your trust on your husband’s intentions to treat you well and always defend your interests, then you can’t be second-guessing if he is doing passive aggression against you, right?

If you decide that is impossible to be for ever watchful, and then give him your best shot at helping you (“I need the car with the full tank of gas tomorrow early, so I can go to this job interview, could you take care of it?”) only to discover that he “forgot to do it,” where that leaves you?

 Frustrated? Yes…
 Scared? Even more!

The first time you discover you can’t count on him solve a need for your very important project, a crack appears in your perception of the trust existent in your relationship. This is a sad discovery: “I can’t trust him.”

This is not easily forgotten. Every time you need to ask him for something be it trivial or important, a nagging question appears in your mind: will he do it in time? Or will I only get a silly excuse for his absence?

This is not easily denied. Now you need double guarantees, to ask and ask again about the fulfillment of the promise, about his delivery of whatever he promised. You are stuck in a no win situation, where, if he is really angry at you, he will play you at his will. You will get lots of stories, little confidence in what he says.

How can you go on? Now you have a double burden: decide if you are going to share the inevitable tasks of married life, (and having to do them anyway later) or doing them before hand and be done with them, and avoid this endless conversation about his duties. Whatever you do, it gives you the lingerig feeling that this is not the life you dreamed of.

Is there a way out? Proceed with caution, and be ready to hear outrageous accusation about being too controlling…

Here are the steps:

Ask for help: “I need you to take the car to the mechanics this week, before Friday 6:00 PM”
Confirm: “I will ask you no later than Wednesday night,”
Say what will happen: “I need you to tell me if you have a problem with this taks. If I don’t deliver my work Friday evening, we will lose the client.”
Alert him: “If you have a problem with this issue, it’s better to share it with me now, so we can make other plans”
Close the deal: “I need to know that I can trust you with this project, very important for me.”
Finally: keep in mind that you need to have also a Plan B, for if he fails to deliver at the last minute.

If things go well, you can praise him and show your happiness. If there is a non-delivery, then you go to Plan B without any warning or other conversation. Be fast, act in a sure way and don’t leave any possibility for him to imagine that his non-delivery will stop you from doing what you need to do.

After several repetitions of this dance, perhaps you can begin again saying: “Now that we both know that certain tasks need to be done regardless what we would like to do, and can’t be stopped, I would like to know if I can trust you with this new task…..”

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to enjoy Valentine’s Day!

February 3, 2010 By

Let me tell you something…the deep wish under all this Valentine’s Day claptrap is something we don’t dare to mention the rest of the year:

TO HAVE A SECURE BUT EXCITING LOVE RELATIONSHIP!

How do you combine the two things?

Secure is boring….exciting is dangerous….so what gives?

For the rest of us, ensconced in a healthy but boring routine, we pay a high price for security. The excitement of the novelty is gone, and we learn to appreciate routine as a safety blanket, only punctured here and there by the occasional fight. We can be secure like this the rest of the year…why is this invention of a Valentine’s Day coming to challenge our security?

Because we do remember! Before the fights, the cold shoulders and the dissapointments, there was excitement! When you fall in love, there are certain chemical changes in your brain that make all your vital perspectives shift into high gear, where the world is brightest and we are soaring in it. You feel the love in all your cells. Your pulse quickens, and your heart beats faster, and the feeling of anticipation of good things to comer is all over you.

Every time we produce a feeling or a thought, we can be sure that it is based on a chemical track in our brain. The love excitement felt by the chemicals in the brain is highly addictive! And we all need that burst of dopamine in the brain that makes us feel alive, excited, connected and successful…

Now you wonder where all this excitement is gone…some days it looks like everything is dull and gray, and the only hightened feeling is either boredom or fear. What can you do to feel better in Valentine’s Day?

Of course, the first suggestion should be to try to change the dynamics with your spouse,  inviting him to do something different which can take both out of the dulling routine. This suggestion is only to be followed if there is a bit of reciprocal trust left.

You need to trust that your partner will not use this opportunity to damage you again. If you think that is safe, let’s talk about how you can get the Valentine feeling back.

You need to generate in your brain (and his) the dopamine-producing activity: both of you need to do something together that is completely new for both.

This new activity, being it visiting a new place, learning ballroom dancing, or joining a new group activity will provide the challenge to the brain to begin producing the results you expect.

Be sure that you are relaxed and confident that, if the attempt does not give you the results you want (re-connecting him with you) you’ll have a safe way to go back to your home.  The best disposition is not to expect too much, but just do it for the sake of Valentine’s Day! And don’t forget to bring some chocolate!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Passive Aggressive Wife: Do You Know Her?

February 3, 2010 By

From all the correspondence, postings and requests we receive, the overwhelming majority are desperate wives complaining about their husbands. We have initiated this blog, which reaches sometimes 500 hits a day, to help those wives find ways of preserving their marriages and diminish or control the relationship pain so as to get to a place of peace and understanding. And, in the extreme cases where the wife wants to leave the relationship, we also provide support for this process.

Guess what? Here and there, we receive a letter from a husband, asking: what about my situation? Do you have any advice for the victim of a passive aggressive wife? Or my loneliness and suffering have to be ignored?

So, here is your initial response. More will come, of course, but this is the first take on this issue…how can you recognize a PA wife?

The main challenge to think about this question comes from traditional female education about being passive and obedient. Girls are still socialized in this way in many parts of the world; and being subservient and self-denying is accepted and encouraged. How can you be any more obedient? Or…how do you show your anger by being obedient, if being obedient is showing off how a “good wife” you are?

Well, you can be too obedient….you can kill any initiative from your side which risks making your husband feel not valued or appreciated. He will not have anything to complain about, or at the same time, anything to rejoice about!

One of the favorite arenas is the sexual arena. If the wife always waits for him to take the iniciative, is she being complacent or saying that she is not really interested? This question will appear in the mind of the husband, and after some time, he will begin to feel under appreciated.

Again, how do you denounce this? How do you complain about “perfect wife behavior,” taken to the extremes?

The few husbands already telling are describing a passivity that leaves all initiatives on their shoulders, a blank acceptance that smothers all enthusiasm and the impossibility to comment on relational issues with her without having a tantrum.

Perhaps we should think about the modalities of passive aggression used by a wife to express her anger without words. Perhaps you have other examples to share?

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to her conflict coach site and ask for your own coaching session!
Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts
Newer Posts »