It is a pattern learned from the interaction with the mother or caretaker, who taught him in his first year of life either that he should not depend on her (and thus you should not depend on him) or instilled in him a fear of rejection or ambiguous security (thus, he will not open up to you or doing anything to make himself look bad).

What are the three most common attachment styles?

• Secure: Secure attachment is a healthy attachment. It is confidence and security in both the permanence of the relationship, and the honesty of the significant other. Secure attachment people tend to trust that their partners love them and find them attractive. This was learned from a secure mother, who was there for the child when it needed her, and provided love and attention on a continual (rather than spotty or random) basis.
• Anxious: Anxious attachment deals with fear of rejection and relationship stability. An anxious attachment pattern in a mother is one where she alternately smothered and ignored the child, bouncing between thinking she didn’t love it enough and thinking she loved it too much. This undependable and erratic behavior translates to the adult relationship, making the terrain of any relationship unreliable and fickle for the child.
• Avoidant: Avoidant attachment deals with a lack of desire to depend on others, as well as an abhorrence of opening up or being vulnerable. This is learned in childhood when a mother is avoidant – she will deny the child attention, avoiding giving him what he needs if he asks for it. A caregiver figure may not have been emotionally present at all. Often, avoidant partners will call their significant others “needy” and “overemotional.”

Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often appear together and reinforcing each other in a passive aggressive person. At his core, his inner child still worries about rejection from others, especially you as his wife (anxious attachment). To isolate himself from this inner child’s fear and resentment, the passive aggressive man uses avoidant attachment to prevent you (and perhaps himself) from seeing the scared, anxious child inside.

Often, what we learn is that your own attachment style can affect how your passive aggressive husband’s style manifests. Your own style can determine whether or not he reacts anxiously or avoidantly – for example, if you are anxious or insecure yourself, he may be more avoidant. If you are avoidant, he may be more anxious, his actions driven largely out of fear of/perceived rejection by you. If you have a secure attachment, and know what happens with him, perhaps living with you and acting as a secure, supportive spouse will help transform his primal attachment style into one more mature.

How are attachment patterns influencing the outcome of your passive aggressive marriage? If you have learned a little more about both of you by reading this post, but are unsure how you can apply that knowledge, we have many resources for you.

The best place to start would be a free consultation with our conflict coach. Coach Nora can guide you through the process by which you can learn to reach a compromise between your attachment styles, and even learn to rewire old patterns into new, secure ones!

Passive Aggressive Attachment is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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There are four main things a passive aggressive person will try to control or violate, in order to protect themselves from rejection and/or confrontation.

• The Right to Know
• The Right to Feel
• The Right to Have Impact
• The Right to Space

When he violates your right to know, he gives you unclear information, withholds information that you don’t “need” (like the finances), or gives you too little or too much information. With too little, you are left shaky and uncertain, realizing after he leaves that he didn’t really answer your question, or in fact made the situation look worse than you thought. This is where you may feel as if you’re expected to draw your own conclusions or “mind read.” With no information (“the silent treatment”) you feel like you’re walking on eggshells – or a mine field. When you are given too much information (anger attacks or blaming), you are not given time to speak, defend yourself, ask for clearer information, or set boundaries.

Your right to feel is violated when he tells you what you’re feeling, what you’re about to do or how you’re going to react. He may make claims about how you “always overreact” or how you’re just being “emotional.” He’ll make emotional demands about what not to feel (“Don’t cry”) or what you shouldn’t feel.

Crazy-making situations really start to show when your right to impact is violated. This is when he denies (by ignoring you, by overriding your needs with his own, by refusing to meet your needs) that you have an impact on his life. We measure our existence by how much impact we have on others, both physically and emotionally. If you feel like you don’t matter to him (don’t have an impact), it’s like being told you don’t exist at all! He can make this worse by “thinging” or objectifying you. He may treat you like a piece of furniture, coming to you only when he has certain physical needs. He may also deny your impact on him by denying contact – in other words, anything you say about his faults will bounce off and come back as something to use against you.

The last way he may violate your rights is to deny your right to space. In many ways, this is your right to individual power – the thing he wants you to have very little or none of. He may violate your right to emotional, physical, time, or mental space by saying that you doing x violates his right to do y (thus painting you out to be the bad guy, every time). For example, your right to be alone in your office violates his right to come visit you. Your right to have friends and family over violates his right to privacy and quiet. And so on, and so on.

These are the four main ways a passive aggressive husband exerts his crazy-making control over his partner and other people. Looking at them as your rights helps to understand this behavior as abusive – a denial of your personal rights to sanity and respect. Which of these ways is your husband using against you? More than one? Maybe all?

We encourage you to explore our blog, videos, and discussions (under “Ask Nora” and “Your Voice”) to learn more about these abusive behaviors and how to defend yourself against them. But for immediate action and sanity-saving help, please visit Coach Nora, and receive a free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Passive Aggression Abuses Your Rights is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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This facet of passive aggressive behavior is difficult to deal with. When you’re sad, it can be tempting to say whatever you can think of until he talks to you again. When you’re hurt, you may just slam out of the room, leaving him to sulk in his own silence.

What is the best course of action, in either case? What will effectively show him the consequences of the silent treatment, without making you stoop to his level or act out of anger?

Our recommended tactic is this: assert yourself. Remember that his silent treatment is a choice, that he could have behaved differently and didn’t. You are not under any obligation to give him what he wants or give in to his “punishment.” His treatment does not prove or confirm anything about your value; it simply shows that he can’t handle conflict.

Because you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, you can make your own decisions about how to react. If he decides to be distant, show him that you can do the same. Detach yourself (gracefully) by having your own projects and friends, beyond his influence. Not only will this allow you to have an environment away from him, it will allow you to think clearly, have a new perspective, and feel stronger the next time he tries to manipulate you with silence.

When both of you have had your time alone, you will be better prepared to look at what happened and consider the impact his behavior is having on your relationship.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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What happens is that, after navigating the fog of double messages and confusion, and overcoming your sense of frustration, you get to a point where his acceptance of non-delivering what he promised is not enough for you…

You are sad and still expecting some repair behavior from him. What is this repair work in a relationship? Well, when you interact with a grown up person, you know that there is a complete apology to deliver and accept.

It has first an acceptance of responsibility (“Yes, I did promise to pay the bills this month…”) followed by a personal apology (“I acknowledge that I didn’t do as promised, and now we have some consequences because I forgot…I’m sorry about it”).

Because it’s true that you want a behavior that is rooted in reality, so you are waiting for the apology to include a description of the frustrating behavior; then a bit about the damage done, or of its consequences, and to show empathy for the impact of those consequences on you….(“and now you need to take time out of your schedule to write the checks I didn’t do…”).

Is it too much to expect that he finally realizes that his behavior has a negative impact on you, or on the finances of the couple? Of course not! This is what grown ups do!

Owning a negative piece of your behavior is what integrity is all about: you accept that this behavior is yours, that it has an impact and that you are responsible for the impact of it on other people. No denial, no excuses, no angry responses!

Only when your husband is able to complete a real and sincere apology, showing that he recognizes when he is hurting others, you can begin again to trust him.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, begin by getting the manual for managing passive aggression.

Trust in a passive aggressive relationship is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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About 60% of responses expressed dreams like these:

1. “I wish I could feel safe and trust him completely, knowing he would never turn on me and try to bring me down. However, he is unpredictable. At first he would attack me in public, but now he is more careful, trying to make himself look like the all-around nice guy. He wouldn’t dare do anything to jeopardize that. The public may buy into his dysfunctional façade, but I can’t bring myself to trust that he’s turned over a new leaf.”

2. “I don’t want to feel attacked, harassed, and bullied – I want to feel lifted up, cherished, with all the dignity that a caring husband gives a woman. I wish he wouldn’t undermine me and demean me at home, or worse, in public for everyone to see and gossip about. It makes me feel worthless.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to value and appreciate you?

• “He cherishes me like I am something precious, and always watches out for my well-being.”
• “When we are out and find ourselves disagreeing, we talk things over in private – calmly.”
• “He spoils me with praise, whether we are home or not. It gives him pleasure to show his approval in public. It proves to me how much he appreciates me.”
• “He is sincere enough that even complete strangers on the street can tell he cares for me deeply.”
• “The idea of bullying me is the farthest thing from his mind. His priority is caring for me and protecting me from trouble and harm.”

I simply need to feel valued and appreciated by him everywhere.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge your deep need to be valued and appreciated by the person most near you, how are you going to get this appreciation you dream about ? How are you going to challenge his way of demeaning you in public, as to make appear that he is the one in control in your marriage, and show him that is really vital for you to feel cherished by him? And how are you planning to heal your self-esteem from the damage caused by his criticism and continuous public put downs? Do you see a way to heal your marriage from this kind of hurt?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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Some 78% of the responses expressed:

1. “Although no one should ever be given the cold shoulder, and I don’t agree with him giving it to me, I still want to know why he thinks I deserve it. Better yet, if I do something wrong and hurt him, I want him to simply come to me and say, ‘You hurt me.’ I would do everything in my power to right my wrong, if only I knew what it was.”

2. “I want there to be warmth in our relationship instead of this coldness that he’s created by turning me away. It would make me so happy to be able to say to each other, ‘Honey, I am upset because of this or that, but I still love you.’”

3. “I am allowed to express my feelings as long as they are in agreement with his. If they are not, I am isolated for them and given the cold shoulder. I want to feel that I am worth something to him, that I will never be ignored. I want to feel that I am part of a special institution – marriage – and not an orphan looking longingly through the window.”

In what other ways would you know that he would never turn his back on you?

• “I feel like I made a good choice when I married him. I can count on him for anything.”

• “He tries hard to keep a good mood and move on with the day, even if we run into a snag.”

• “I know that I am the last person on earth he would turn his back to.”

• “We have everything we need to be happy and comfortable. He would never jeopardize that by weakening our connection.”

• “When he’s upset, he never jumps to conclusions and blames me. We sit down together and talks things out until we find the real reasons.”

• “He makes me feel wanted and loved in a personal, intimate way.”

• “It would break his heart to know he had made me cry.”

I simply need his open heart, loving me.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be loved, included and helped by healthy confrontation when is needed…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his isolating himself and giving you the cold shoulder, and educate him into proper and respectful communication that solves problems and expresses love and commitment at the same time?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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We have here some 89% of the responses expressed dreams about:

1. “I would like to feel that he is silent because everything is right between us, and there’s no need to fill up space with words. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Nothing is right.”

2. “I want an open and honest relationship. Instead, he sits around sulking, making me guess why he is feeling the way that he is. He should care enough to help make the relationship better, not degrade it.”

3. “After I express my feelings, I want to be shown respect and an urgency to resolve problems. Not be given the silent treatment, where he watches television, works, and does everything but talk to me. Those long silences make me feel like I’m married to a five year old.”

In what other ways would you know that the two of you share a connection?

• “If he can’t talk about it right now, he lets me know when he can get back to me.”

• “He never shuts down just because he doesn’t want to deal with the problem. He knows that would make me feel like I did something wrong.”

• “He doesn’t just sit there and think about things, he shares them as he’s thinking them.”

• “I don’t need a magic wand to make him talk to me, it just comes easily.”

• “Our behaviors mesh together well most of the time – when they don’t, we work it out.”

• “We work together even when the issues are difficult so that we maintain a productive relationship.”

• “No one suffers in silence alone. We openly share our deepest emotions and fears with each other.”

• “He appreciates my conversation and my company, no matter how simple it may be sometimes.”

I simply need to feel included.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel included, to have open communication based on reciprocal trust, and to be able to share and receive personal confidences from your husband, how are you going to send him the message that it is OK to talk about everything? How are you going to stand up and express your need to have a sensible and kind response from him?

Perhaps letting him know that sulking is not a mature response, using assertive language? Are you going to invite yourself to practice assertive phrases beginning with “I”, and following with a description of his behavior, and then closing with a description of the consequences?

“When you remain silent after I told you what worries me, I feel (abandoned) (rejected) (isolated?) and I have to accept that my worries are meaningless to you, so I my conclusion is that I should keep them to myself. Let me know if this is true, so I can take other choices.”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Please, get your own copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” now, and begin your way back to happiness!

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The core of some messages goes deep into the issue of IDENTITY:

Like asking the basic existential question:

“Who am I to him? a fellow human being, deserving of respect for my needs, or a mere thing?“

“I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who loves me and cares enough for me to listen to my needs and try to fill some of them. I’m not asking for someone perfect to fulfill my every wish and desire, just someone who loves me enough to TRY, to want to do things that make me feel happy and loved. And, I would do the same for that partner. With my PA husband, I feel like he gives the exact opposite of anything I ask for. I am always being “punished” somehow for having any needs at all.”

“That my emotional needs are important to my partner, even if he does not understand them completely; if I communicate my needs, I expect him to try and meet them if he really cares and loves me and not try and undermine and deny how I feel.”

“I want to feel that my emotional needs are important to him and I would like him to show it with his behavior, not just say it.”

Looks like the marriage deal is a not so hidden contract of reciprocal confirmation: “I will confirm that you are a valuable human being by listening and respecting your needs, and you will do the same for me…”

Even when violation of this basic contract between you and your spouse is happening all the time, our survey confirms that any of you forgets the basic purpose of being married: to get support, confirmation and validation from your spouse, and reciprocally, to give to him this kind of recognition.

What happens if we feel that we give him respect, attention and validation, but not receive the same for our own needs? Well, sometimes I tend to think if this behavior is the norm, then I’m getting shortchanged and abused. Our human need to be appreciated never goes away, what it does is to force us to find other sources for it. If we don’t satisfy it, our soul whiter and dies of starvation. What other will see is our lack of a strong self-esteem….what we experience is the loss of an inner center of strength and identity.

And why a spouse? because that is the most important contract of our lives! to find another person who can see and appreciate our qualities, (even the hidden ones) and praise them and admire them…This is the real basis for love, do you agree?
We tend to love those compassionate people who can see in us positive aspects perhaps we tend to ignore, and talk about them, and appreciate them, and make them real….

Here and then, you know that you really matter to that person… Is there a better love proof!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

I would like to feel as if I matter to him! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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What happens when you look for peace and love at home, and you find too many squabbles? You are searching for refuge and find instead constant quarreling with your spouse? Wouldn’t it be healthier to be able to go home and find loving companionship? This kind of home will give your health a boost, and make your heart repair from other stresses.

Some couple fights are inevitable given that both parties, male and female need to start a fight sometimes when in need of refreshing the connection and companionship, and to keep the relationship growing.

Fighting without the necessary skills to control escalation can do a lot of damage to your health and your relationship. What matters in preventing unhealthy consequences is the quality of the fighting, and the most important piece is each side taking responsibility for what they say and do.

There is the special case of marital conflict when one partner shows passive aggressive behaviors, where a supposedly mature person behaves in a way that pushes their own share of responsibilities to their partner’s side. The other side is always guilty, or needs to change, etc.

And if the accused partner tries to redress this issue, the response they get is not a good conversation about “what do we need to do now to improve”, but blaming, accusations, bad temper and either sulking or complete withdrawal.

The main difference in the quality of the interaction hinges on the mutual respect they can show for each other, even in the heat of an argument.

Knowing this, there has to be a way to learn how to create a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate with respect, and this is the area of fair fighting skills.

These are a set of skills that help partners clarify the situation, allow both sides to recognize their needs and provide a way to find a solution without violence.

Fighting and having a strong discussion with a passive aggressive partner will not give wives the recognition they need in the first moment, before the fight.

But, due to their ignorance of methods to fight fair, they find themselves being more attacked, hurt and put down.

Do you need training in fair fighting techniques to deal with any passive aggressive partner in your life?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Lost are the initial illusions of intimacy, support and warmth. You had to learn to survive in a battle field of empty promises, cold shoulders and general loneliness. The abandonment scenario has been there all the time, it’s only now that you get to really see it….

What are you going to do now? How can you reconcile this reality, the same you’ve been denying all these years, with your needs? And, even a deeper question pops up: how are you going to see your own history up until now, as one of wasted love or something else?

You are confronted now with a fork in the road. One side takes you to the usual path: deny the loneliness, the love starvation you have been up until now; the other fork of the road takes you in a new direction.

Are you going to begin to be true to yourself? Have you won the right to say your truth, no matter what happens? Stop walking on egg shells and say out loud: “this is too lonely for me, and I need something different?”

This point is really also a breakthrough for the marriage. If sometimes the spouse of a PA person puts up with a lot, and in the process developing a deep resentment never addressed, getting to the moment of truth frees you from this tacit contract.

You are not supposed to continue going along with the charade that his behavior is enough company, enough support, enough love. It’s the time to learn how not to be silent, how to be aggressive in the good sense, and begin asking for what you really need.

Being assertive means that you know your needs; know that what he gives you is not enough food four your heart and soul, and that you need this time a real satisfaction of your needs for connection, love and respect.

And the old way of yielding to his sour mood in order to please him, to only keep the peace? it’s gone with the wind; you can’t sustain that pretense any longer. Your own integrity is demanding that now, for the first time, you have to put your own needs first…and follow through.

It doesn’t matter if he gets furious; it doesn’t matter if he goes into a hostile silence that lasts six weeks…your own integrity demands now that you’d be coherent with yourself. If there is something you need to do to procure more company, recognition, or support outside of the marriage, now is the moment of reaching out to your friends and family, and change your past response of accommodating to his passive aggression to one of self-assertion.

And, what happens with our basic question: was your love for him a wasted love? Of course not! it was only your own process of getting to love yourself first, which took some time to develop.

How come? Let’s see….How often did you put up with his rejection, only to be able to continue believing that you were part of a couple? Your being accepting of his quirkiness, wasn’t it also your need not to be alone, and to avoid getting other person angry at you?

In life, the more we prostitute ourselves for acceptance, the less we are accepted; in comparison with the price you paid, there was never any real appreciation, any real acceptance. This is your lesson.

If and when you are back into the person you really are, you will see that the learnings are deep: from now on, you know what do you want in life; you are not afraid of expressing your needs, and you also know that, as you did your individual spiritual development, he has to do his own process…

Who knows what is inside him and needs to be expressed, instead of his constant sulking? Whatever it is, now it is only his business…This is not your business any longer!

You did your best, and learned your lesson…Now, can you take the new, not the old road and see where it takes you to? It could be pretty educational, and also fun!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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