What is the task? You ask me?

I’d say to open a conversation about what is hurting your couple’s communication; what is building up frustration and loneliness….and how to improve the relationship by stopping his passive aggression.

You are always thinking how to confront with grace; perhaps dreaming of the method that could make him pay attention, understand the challenge and accept his share of ownership of the silence between you both.

Here and now, you need to know that upright confrontation will fail. Are you ready to use some other suggestions? Perhaps you could be so brave as to start the broken conversation and say something to him. I know, you two are not talking, but it would do miracles to soften the situation if you say a simple “thanks” for anything he does around.

Here is this alternative view of your situation: Instead of being the sullen, negative guy you perceive, please try to see him as a terrified and scared person. He knows already that he is losing you…

Because he doesn’t know how to manage you and your expectations about the relationship, (and of course can’t ask), his only resource is anger! Remember that he has a nasty and resentful inner child inside… always yearning for some crumbs of attention. If you can muster your courage and say something positive to him, not related to any issue in dispute now, simply “thanks,”  (because he brings in the groceries, opens a door, or turns off a light, etc) it will de-escalate the tension and soften a bit your fear and dread of being in the house with him.

Remember, do it only if you feel that it will give you the power to regulate the animosity between you two…as an experiment to learn different and unexpected ways of reaching to his inner child scared of loss. After a time of this treatment, you will find the way to talk with him about his unwanted behavior…and the impact of that behavior on you.

Meanwhile, you are doing this without expectations, in a detached mood, as to see if there are any changes in the interaction…Think of building your own reserves of self-esteem. The rest of the time, plan nice activities for yourself: go to the park, to church, to watch a good movie, take some time to do something that is only fun. You need a break.

All the time, remember to breathe! You will find a way out of this situation, eventually, and the way has to be transforming it by being compassionate, not aggressive, because children are watching, and learning from your actions.

Using appreciation to confront a passive aggressive husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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An overwhelming 92% of the responses expressed dreams consistent with the following wishes:

1. “I wish that he loved to hear what I had to say and that it was as important to him as it was to me. I would like to feel that all topics are open between us, and that if disagreements arose we could resolve them calmly, and head straight to the solution. If only he would stop ignoring or avoiding things by weaving a complicated, confusing web around the issue. When this happens, it creates one more conflict that will not be dealt with.”

2. “I have been married to a PA man for 46 years. Don’t gasp! After years of guilt, I finally found an explanation and came to terms with what I had been living with. I have learned to detach emotionally and physically and moved away from husband, which seems to have improved our relationship. Not many people realize how lonely it is being the wife of a PA husband, even though he’s such a “nice guy! My dreams of having a husband who loves, cherishes and protects me, never came about. I am realistic enough to love myself, and now I make the most of the positive things in my life. It is living one day at a time.”

3. I want to be freed from that feeling of, “What’s wrong with him now?” I want him to share with me what his needs, desires, and ideas are. He won’t (or can’t), and I can’t do it for him. Only he can.

4. In my heart and soul, I truly desire that we freely share all the possibilities of life, together. I know that I’m a wonderful person, but sometimes you need that encouragement, that validation, and that respect to come from your partner instead.

In what other ways would you know he is emotionally available?

· “I can be open, honest, and natural with my partner, and I know he will not think less of me if he knows who I really am.”

· “He acknowledges and listens attentively to my feelings and ideas.”

· “He lets me know that my feelings are just as important as his.”

· “I know I won’t be punished for bringing up certain things.”

· “I can be myself in my own home and can truly speak my mind, and so can he.”

· “There is such freedom of ideas between us that I feel like I am flying.”

· “We connect and care for each other on such a deep level that we can say what needs to said, and there is never any fear of retaliation, derision, or feeling foolish.”

I simply need to be myself.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be yourself, to accept and value yourself and do away with all the hidden negativity and criticism of the “walking on eggshells” behavior…how are you going to allow yourself to be the unique and valuable person you are? How are you going to detach from his critiques and appreciate who you are, first and only?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today: Get your own copy of the passive aggressive husband ebook now! .

How to Stop the Feeling of “Walking on Eggshells”? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Guess what? Here and there, we receive a letter from a husband, asking: what about my situation? Do you have any advice for the victim of a passive aggressive wife? Or my loneliness and suffering have to be ignored?

So, here is your initial response. More will come, of course, but this is the first take on this issue…how can you recognize a PA wife?

The main challenge to think about this question comes from traditional female education about being passive and obedient. Girls are still socialized in this way in many parts of the world; and being subservient and self-denying is accepted and encouraged. How can you be any more obedient? Or…how do you show your anger by being obedient, if being obedient is showing off how a “good wife” you are?

Well, you can be too obedient….you can kill any initiative from your side which risks making your husband feel not valued or appreciated. He will not have anything to complain about, or at the same time, anything to rejoice about!

One of the favorite arenas is the sexual arena. If the wife always waits for him to take the iniciative, is she being complacent or saying that she is not really interested? This question will appear in the mind of the husband, and after some time, he will begin to feel under appreciated.

Again, how do you denounce this? How do you complain about “perfect wife behavior,” taken to the extremes?

The few husbands already telling are describing a passivity that leaves all initiatives on their shoulders, a blank acceptance that smothers all enthusiasm and the impossibility to comment on relational issues with her without having a tantrum.

Perhaps we should think about the modalities of passive aggression used by a wife to express her anger without words. Perhaps you have other examples to share?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to her conflict coach site and ask for your own coaching session!

Passive Aggressive Wife: Do You Know Her? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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In order to make their partner feel inadequate or weak, the controlling person will use verbally abusive tactics as shame, belittling, name-calling and sarcasm. In this way they grab the more powerful position, relegating the other person to a gradually weakened identity because they own sense of value is chipped away.

How do you recognize verbal abuse? There are so many open and covert ways of abusing another person, that here we will mention only a few.

The easier to pinpoint are cruel “pet names” and obscene name-callings, those same behaviors that make a very comic movie story based on the humiliation of another person.

We all have innate ways of perceiving abuse delivered to us… Besides the emotional reaction in your gut, or the constriction in your chest, or shortening of your breath, or having the constant headache…? Yes, those also can be indicators that you have been hit by some self-esteem demolishing projectile.

Where is this habit of using verbal abuse coming from? From our families of origin, of course!

Toxic families use verbal abuse as part of their communicational style. We all can remember those opportunities in which our humiliation provided fodder for our relatives’ endless fun. At the moment, few of them were realizing the lasting impression of those humiliation feelings in us, probably still with us after all those years.

Sarcasm can be harmless, part of healthy bantering while interacting with peers and it only gets to be damaging when it is the only way others refer to you…then your reputation will be permanently damaged. It is acceptable when it is mixed with positive comments, appreciation and recognition of your skills or good qualities.

Destructive sarcasm is delivered using a special voice tone, a particular body position, and probably causes damage because you are open to others’ input. If you are expecting a positive feedback, or even needing it to build your self-esteem, then you are vulnerable to other person’s sardonic comments. This person can use the opportunity to control you using only denigrating sarcastic comments.

Criticism is a special way of abuse: it has to be consistently negative, (never mentioning positive aspects) and leaving no door opening for future improvement (“you are always so obtuse!”) to cause real harm.

Surprisingly, there are lots of spouses nowadays who believe they are doing a good job providing only negative criticism to their loved ones. This is only cause for pain and resentment (“How can’t he see what I’m doing well?”)

Put-downs are a subtle way of control (“If I can describe you as less than me, therefore you are an inferior person”) in which you refer to the other person’s characteristics or actions in a demeaning way, either in front of them or talking about them with others.

Name-calling is a cruel game, where anybody can portray some harmless personal characteristics now described as stupid, ugly, not worthy, etc. It can be especially damaging if the name calling is done using body parts of the other as the target, like: stature, weight, sexual characteristics, etc.

If it easy to detect when people are controlling us by doing abusive behaviors.

It is truly frightening to consider a double whammy in the behavior: the toxic, controlling partner will use charm and seduction to maintain their grip, only when convenient to cheat the weaker party in believing that there is love together with criticism.

They will dish out just enough good words to make their weaker partner feel that there is something worth holding on to. This gives the victim the false hope that the relationship just might be worth saving, and so he/she postpones the moment of reckoning where they see that all respect is lost and leave.

Most of the victims of toxic relationships are stuck in them by the vague hope that recognition and respect can be produced any day soon. Needless to say, what remains is, sadly, only more  verbal abuse and control.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Verbal Abuse as a Way of Spouse Control is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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“Once upon a time, I was a very patient, loving, confident, creative, happy, cheerful, accomplished woman and now I am angry, frustrated, unhappy, confused. I always believed that my cheerful optimism would bring my husband up – he says it’s what attracted him, what he wanted to have and be…all he has done is to kill my spirit with passive resistance, punishing me and doing constant covert abuse (verbal, and emotional).

My self-esteem is so low I just want to jump off the nearest bridge.”

As you’re sitting there in front of your computer reading this very personal letter, I can imagine you matching this frustrating marital experience to yours…and finding lots of points in common.

Perhaps you are focusing on this special point:

“He is always irritated and shows his strongest disapproval whenever I am happy doing my own thing.”

As you become aware of this aspect, perhaps the feelings well up in you: disappointment, loneliness, frustration at his lack of support. It’s not only that he doesn’t share your loves, the problem is that he can attack your projects immediately just because you love them!

Of course, you have gone through some advice on how to deal with passive aggressive husbands, and you know that you must not allow him to dictate everything that you should or not should do.

Before getting to that, perhaps you have the deep courage to look at the loneliness where his contempt leaves you. If you married with the normal hope of having a partner to do life affirming activities together, and to have fun together, his present sardonic resistance is leaving you alone, and frustrated and somehow angry at the deception. You need a companion that has fun at the same things you have fun at, so both can enjoy them.

If there is a need for him not to do things with you, because work commitments or other problems, perhaps you can accept that, and your trust is maintained.

What really is disconcerting and sad is his ability to destroy the things you love, so you are left without his company and without the activities you love to do and have fun at.

As you recognize now the impact that his attitude is having in reducing your world by destroying your capacity to enjoy doing some activities, think of the future. Who would you be in the next future if this behavior continues? A wife having such a “low self esteem that you would be ready to jump off the nearest bridge?”

Before you get to this point, you probably think that there is something you can do to protect your love of life….there are many things you can do to recover your self. At this time, what is possible here is to tell you that you are right in your feelings of being abandoned by your husband not sharing now the same things that made him fell in love with you…and restricting or destroying your enjoyment of funny things to do.

It’s a difficult task, but while looking at the situation as it is, and not denying this impact on you, you are taking your first step to recovery.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080806140957AAYXU8O

Is Passive Aggression Sabotaging Your Proyects? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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“My Husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved and unfufilled by the other….so there’s not much of an effort to really engage. Or interest, or excitement about the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by silence silence silence and loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that to a passive aggressive type A constantly working business man who is blameless and always focusing on “facts and data” vs. emotions and feelings….and you get to this place.”

We need to be talking first about the shared responsibility to keep communication alive in a marriage.
To avoid getting to this place, women usually try to ask, demand, invite and cajole husbands into “better communication.” They even make appointments with counselors and therapists and priests to get help.

The more they press for communication that includes reference to feelings (husband’s feelings) the more he is in alien terrotory and more and more distraught by the request. Isn’t it enough to bring home the bacon? what else does she want, that he can’t or will not provide by his own will?

Of course, the usual response is more silence, more isolation and more defensive talk about how she is pushing him or forcing him to something that:

• Is not his responsibility.
• It is obviously in her sphere of action (the feelings talk).

So, why is he forced to say things he doesn’t feel/know/care about? Is better to clam up, and wait for the storm to pas! Or, if he is forced, he will promise anything, only to get her off her case. End of story!

Finally, they can be truly bewildered at how frustrated the wife gets with them.
They say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’, or ‘Sure! No problem! ‘ to even a benign request so that she moves on thinking it is all good …..but habitually they don’t do what they agreed to. Because they never meant to go through, but wanted to end a demanding conversation, and the only way perceived to end it is agreeing verbally, and forgetting everything about the promise afterwords.

Or perhaps, only perhaps they could be hurt when confronted with the unfulfilled promise, because they were still thinking about getting to do what they promised, but procrastinated so long that they either became irritated about it hanging over their head, becoming angry at you because you requested something, or react to your frustration by eventually making such a useless attempt at it that you wonder why you ask them at all.

If confronted with their intentional non-compliance, and the sad result of their efforts that doesn’t solve the original problem, they will bemoan bitterly that “you’re so demanding or impossible” and that “nothing is ever good enough for you.”

An impossible trap?

Of course it is! when are wives going to learn the lessons and stop requesting cooperation to do some domestic tasks, if they realize that they will get nothing in return? The final point is, let’s be aware that we are looking at a battle in the war for control. The passive aggressive person is fighting a hidden war for “who controls this relationship,” by using his own tactics, of which she is unaware of. Perhaps framing this as a fight for control could help understand such a destructive behavior.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Passive Aggressive Non-Communication Battles is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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