Having A Passive Aggressive Valentine? Go Figure!

February 9, 2011 By

Everybody wants to have a happy Valentine’s Day with their loved one, and yet if you have marital problems, this seemingly simple aspiration seems to become a vast challenge, even a test. How could you have a good Valentine’s Day if your husband is often sulking and has a tendency to forget making plans or get you a present for this particular day? You might even be ready for disappointment thinking that he will forget the day!

You can still enjoy the day, and I don’t mean that you should go and get a massage for yourself and then have some lonely chocolate (although that would be a nice and well-deserved treat). You can use this opportunity to be the one romancing your husband, and giving him a pleasant surprise, for men often complain about how they are the ones supposed to do all the work around this occasion.

You can prepare his favorite meal or invite him to a restaurant. Make it a date and do not pressure him into being in charge. Tell him how nice and sharp he looks; remind him of the things you love about him and of one or two things he has done recently that you appreciate.

You should be honest and affectionate with your comments, so that he feels recognized and appreciated. For the sake of the holiday and of the reasons why you are doing this (because you love your husband, because you want to have a good day, etc.) avoid criticizing him. Keep in mind that if you criticize him, he’ll feel attacked and will be likely to start deflecting blame via clamming up… do not let this happen because then you could start to get upset and if your temper gets the best of you, then an argument will ensue and two things will happen: one, that your husband will have “further proof” that you easily lose control and that it is you who is abusive, and two, that you will end up with exactly the bad memory of a Valentine’s day that you were seeking to avoid.

Remember that passive-aggressive people are not the most willing to apologize for their mistakes, so avoid this conundrum.

It might seem like a lot to ask, but you could actually benefit from giving him a little something. Yes, a present. It does not have to be the newest, most expensive set of tools out in the market, but something simple and well thought-out. Here you are tapping into his desire to be recognized and the surprise value that it would have.

Now, here is the most challenging part of this proposal… after all the work that organizing a date can represent, and particularly if you have difficulties with managing confrontations… you should not expect anything in exchange for the date. Detach yourself from any expectation.

I can hear you groaning….Why this part of the recommendation is here? Don’t you deserve some appreciation also? Because in this way you are freeing him to be himself, not forced by a compulsory tit for tat behavior…So you are giving him a chance to relax and let his guard down, perhaps even talk to you more openly. Wouldn’t that be a better Valentine’s gift than a bunch of soon-to-wither flowers?

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me.
Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How to react to the silent treatment?

January 25, 2011 By

Are you getting the cold shoulder from your partner, but you don’t know or understand why? Is he suddenly keeping your conversations at a minimum, giving you a little word here and there only to isolate himself? When this comes from your partner, from whom you expect a loving connection, this can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing.

This facet of passive aggressive behavior is difficult to deal with. When you’re sad, it can be tempting to say whatever you can think of until he talks to you again. When you’re hurt, you may just slam out of the room, leaving him to sulk in his own silence.

What is the best course of action, in either case? What will effectively show him the consequences of the silent treatment, without making you stoop to his level or act out of anger?

Our recommended tactic is this: assert yourself. Remember that his silent treatment is a choice, that he could have behaved differently and didn’t. You are not under any obligation to give him what he wants or give in to his “punishment.” His treatment does not prove or confirm anything about your value; it simply shows that he can’t handle conflict.

Because you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, you can make your own decisions about how to react. If he decides to be distant, show him that you can do the same. Detach yourself (gracefully) by having your own projects and friends, beyond his influence. Not only will this allow you to have an environment away from him, it will allow you to think clearly, have a new perspective, and feel stronger the next time he tries to manipulate you with silence.

When both of you have had your time alone, you will be better prepared to look at what happened and consider the impact his behavior is having on your relationship.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stop confusing your brain!

January 21, 2011 By

Being in an intimate relationship with a passive aggressive person creates a paradox – while you are together to create and encourage a romantic relationship, his passive aggression urges him to avoid intimacy and withdraw from connection. When he shuts down and turns away from you, it can feel as if you’re the only one who really wants to be connected, and that there is no point on reaching out to him.

Today we’re offering a tip that will help you work through these feelings in a healthy way, so that you have a clearer understanding about the relationship.

The real struggle we see in relationships like this is that the victim can’t identify what’s really going on. Maybe you see him pulling away and think “He doesn’t love me.” Or, even worst: “I’m not lovable.” In reality, he is afraid of getting too close and then being hurt.

This conflict within himself creates conflict between the two of you; he sends out contradicting messages like “I’ll be here for you when you need me,” and then he’s gone when you need his support in a project or event.

He’ll produce even more confusion by trying to rationalize his behavior, giving you a list of good reasons why he does what he does.

Here’s the tactic most helpful for avoiding the confusion his actions can cause:

Come to terms with being in a passive aggressive relationship. This has a lot to do with saying to yourself: “this is my situation, this is how it is. It is not about me, or him not loving me. It is about him, his passive aggression, and his hidden fears. My confusion and emotional pain are indicators of being with him – not him being with me!”

When you think clearly about the situation, you are better prepared to move forward toward a solution between yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll keep accusing him of not wanting a relationship, he’ll accuse you of being too needy, and you’ll keep going around in circles!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Why don’t you get your conflict coaching session today? Go to Conflictcoach.me now!.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Is he Frequently Sabotaging Your Projects?

August 28, 2010 By

When I feel that he is
“Sabotaging My Projects,” the dream I’m yearning for is… unconditional support.

Some of the responses, 75% of them expressed dreams so:

1. “I need to know that I have a partner who cares! When you truly love someone, you want what’s best for them; you want to see them spread their wings and try to fly. Helping them with the things that matter to them is never a burden. Most importantly, loving someone means you wouldn’t dream of sabotaging their projects; their dreams. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what my husband has done, and almost all of my projects have been ruined by him.”

2. “More than anything, I desire the freedom and confidence to take on even the hardest projects. Instead of criticizing me or telling me I can’t do it, he should be cheering me on, letting me know that he’s proud of me. I know that I am strong enough to succeed without his help… But success would be so much more gratifying if I knew that he had been there to encourage me through my struggles.”

3. “I want to know that we don’t have to compete against one another and argue about whose project or needs are more ‘important’. I wish we could slow down, lean on each other more, and simply enjoy our time together. Who knows, maybe we would even get excited about each other’s important projects!”

In what other ways would you know that he supports you?

• “I know I can count on his support when I need it, no matter what it is I require.”

• “My husband cares enough to do something simply because he knows it’s important to me.”

• “He is with me every step of the way, but he also respects my space and gives me time to develop my projects.”

• “It is a back and forth conversation: I give him my full support, and he returns the gesture.”

• “He takes a real, genuine interest in the things I want to do.”

I simply need to feel respected.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be respected, included and supported in your life struggles by the person most near you…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his way of denying support to your projects, and request from him the reciprocal support that is the core of any marriage? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his negativity and lack of support that forces you to give your battles always alone and with an extra handicap of fearing him stabbing you in the back?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Balancing Passive Aggression Strategy 1

July 5, 2010 By

Have you been sometimes daydreaming of giving your PA husband a spoonful of his own medicine? Are you really tired of balancing and compensating the day to day tasks he leaves undone? ever think of turning tables on him? This is the strategy called ‘fighting fire with fire.’

If your passive aggressive partner is used to have you covering up for his withdrawal, silences and frequent claims of helplessness, then STOP.

You could train yourself on not reacting to cover up his missing activities. Given that your own welfare and livelihood are dependent on his, because living together, he is confident that you will save both of you at the last minute.

How could you pull this trick:

Declare somewhat casually that you are not to be automatically in charge of covering up what he leaves undone or forgets and that he needs to ask you for the favor of doing something in his own “to do list.” If there is no request from his side, inform him you will let the issue expire, drop or be disconnected.

Try to pick one issue not so fundamental to your own well being as the electricity supply. If this bill lapses because he didn’t remember to pay it, better you have your own flashlight hidden somewhere in the house.

Once you have selected your issue target, do nothing. Don’t remind him; don’t warn him; keep complete silence and see what happens.

Wait to mention the issue so he is the one first to recognize that something is not working. Wait to be asked if you did pay the bill, etc. then, look at him and say “That was in your list, and as we both are grown up people, we both need to take care of what needs to be done.”

Don’t offer to solve the problem; be prepared to live without, up until the moment he decides to go ahead and solve it. It can be difficult, but remember that you are making a point here.

Probably, the most difficult part of this strategy will be stopping yourself from helping, solving or taking care of things…This is a good thing to learn, so stay put, breathe deeply and remember to have fun and enjoy your own life.

PD. we have two more great strategies to teach you….keep reading. If you have a good friend in need of learning them, could you send this message to them? Thanks!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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