For many women, living with a passive aggressive man and his constant negativity can be a huge struggle. But for those who feel they need to stay in the marriage anyway (reasons can vary, person to person), living with a negative husband doesn’t have to be impossible.

The most important aspect to be aware of when staying with a passive aggressive husband is how his behavior impacts you – how you see yourself and your future, and how in control you are of your own life. Passive aggressive husbands thrive on taking those things away from you! That is what makes this relationship a toxic marriage.

There are certain needs a passive aggressive husband can fulfill for you, and living well despite his negativity relies on you finding out what these needs are. For some people, the passive aggressive husband’s wounds and issues help build the wife’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Please, watch out: can you see the danger in that? devoting yourself to ignoring your own needs under the cover of caring for his needs with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect. You will feel progressively emptier…

Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Staying in the relationship or leaving it – both require meeting your own problems head on. Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can find our book, “Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband,” at Passive Aggressive Husband.

Now, what are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. Even better is if you can gather the nerve to appreciate those aspects verbally to him.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you about the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love you when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

When feeling overwhelmed, detach: There might be moments when you really don’t know what else to do to tolerate this coexistence. If you still are convinced that staying married is necessary for you, then learn to detach. Make a list of your own interests: would you like to play bridge? Have a walking buddy? Going shopping to the mall? Going to educational classes at your community center? Have a set of friends for different purposes, which are not necessarily friends of the couple. Just GO, and forget if he is with you or left behind… Give yourself permission to receive pleasure and nurturing from friends, activities and learning wherever you can find them.

Compensate each negative comment with a positive thought: When he is constantly saying negative things, train your brain to think in the reverse position. Keep saying to yourself: “that’s true, but also can be true the opposite…so I can choose which one I believe.” So you keep a positive vision of your own future, which is exactly the point here.

How to Keep a Negative Husband Away is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

At Psychology Today, Susan Harrow wrote an article explaining this new book. Here’s a snippet:

“According to communication pioneer Professor Albert Mehrabian,”7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is sent in the words that are spoken;  38% of feelings and attitudes contained in messages is expressed in the way that the words are said, and 55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the facial expression.”

… What complicates the matter is that when the person who receives an apology isn’t buying it, or feels like it’s just being said to shut them up, the apology itself can ignite a cycle where the person sincerely apologizing feels hopeless. When his apology isn’t accepted, it refuels his anger.


This is one of the reasons Dreyfus created her written flash cards which can help couples who are fighting or at an impasse calm down and get through to each other in less than a minute and turn a mean interaction into a loving one. The flash cards are a series of warm and calming self-aware messages that can be held up in the midst of an argument. For example it may be scary to say, “I’m afraid if I say I’m sorry, you’ll make everything all my fault.” But holding up the card can neutralize the difficulty.”

Make Sure Your Passive Aggressive Husband Gets the Message is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

However, what if it wasn’t just the heart of your relationship that was damaged by your passive aggression? Passive aggressive husbands, listen up: your behavior might just be putting your own life at risk.

According to a new article published on Medical News Today by Catharine Paddock, PhD, men who resort to passive aggression because of a feeling of superiority, self-importance or an unwillingness to see the other person’s point of view (narcissism) may actually suffer physically for it, putting themselves at risk for heart problems.

In a study published in PLoS ONE, many men with these personality traits (explotativeness, entitlement, arrogance) have higher than average levels of cortisol in their systems – which puts them at a higher risk for heart problems. According to Sara Konrath, quoted in the article, these men “may be paying a high price in terms of their physical health, in addition to the psychological cost to their relationships.” What is interesting about this new study is that men with these personality traits have high levels of cortisol even when they are not under stress.

Cortisol is the hormone that is released when your body goes into “fight or flight” mode. As a passive aggressive man, you may have high levels of cortisol/a “fight or flight” hormone in your system – does that sound about right? In your daily life, is your brain telling you “I can’t deal with this, let’s run”? Perhaps it’s saying “How dare my wife say that, I’m going to get her back”? When you feel threatened, it’s definitely telling you those things, isn’t it?

Why does your body release cortisol, even when you’re not in a stressful situation? One of the study’s authors, also quoted in the article, stated that this was perhaps due to the fact that ”[e]ven though narcissists have grandiose self-perceptions, they also have fragile views of themselves, and often resort to defensive strategies like aggression when their sense of superiority is threatened.”

This creates, in a sense, a feeling that the body is constantly under stress – it doesn’t matter if it is real or imagined, because the consequences are the same on the body. They lead to higher blood pressure and greater heart problems – we all know this!

Read the entire article at Medical News Today

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at  Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

What is Passive Aggression Doing to Your Heart? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

What are the ways a passive aggressive may deny his toxic behavior?

There are four main kinds to discuss here:

• Denial of Facts
• Denial of Awareness
• Denial of Responsibility
• Denial of Impact

Denial of facts: many passive aggressive people will try to rearrange or fabricate past events to suit their present situation. They may (when the two of you recount it later on) change what was said in a fight last week, so that you are now the one who comes out looking bad this time. Sometimes, a denial of facts will mean you hear this go-to response: “I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that. That never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Denial of awareness: this is the “poor me” or victim card. When confronted about their behavior, a passive aggressive may say, “Yes, I see that I did x, but it was because I care about you and want to make you happy… how come you aren’t happy with me buying a new TV for you?” In this way, he makes himself out to be the misunderstood victim, full of good intentions but with a demanding spouse like you.

Denial of responsibility: a passive aggressive person may deny he has any responsibility or obligation to watch what he says or does (much like a child). He refuses to believe seriously that there are grown up responsibilities of his role as husband and father…It’s exhausting for you to remind him over and over that he has 50% of responsibility for the marriage moral, emotional and financial upkeep.  This is also part of the power games that passive aggressive people play; denial of responsibility involves maintaining a facade of power and control while doing the less he can, so he has time and resources for his playful interests.

Denial of impact: a little similar to denial of facts, a denial of impact occurs when the passive aggressive insists that his behavior is not really harming any one. In this type of denial, it is the wife, the children, and the friends who are wrong/controlling/demanding/over-reacting. He will say that the wife is the one who is going crazy, that her depression is from some other source, (surely organic, genetic, etc)  and that perhaps she should be the one to see a therapist, not him.

Which leads us to one last point: even with these stages of denial revealed, what else is at work when a passive aggressive man denies having a serious problem and is in need of some deep changes in order to stay married? Why does he deny in the first place?

What we learn when we study passive aggressive behavior is that there is often a fear of shame involved when he thinks about admitting any kind of fault. As a child, the passive aggressive man would have been exposed to large doses of shame – either shame for his own mistakes, or seeing others shamed for theirs. The end result may have been public humiliation from peers, private abuse in the home, or other events that instilled in him a fear of making mistakes or looking “bad.”

Ultimately, it is this fear that leads the passive aggressive man to deny that he has done anything wrong. It is this fear that leads him to say, “I don’t need therapy, you do.” The best way for him to avoid admitting a mistake (and thus, feeling shame) is to not only take attention off himself, but direct it at someone else.

This is the passive aggressive’s tragic state of affairs – he is the person who most needs an affirmation of self-worth, but he is also the person who continually rids himself of the best chances of having help by persisting in behaviors so toxic as to risk losing the spouse’s love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting the ebook “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” .

Is Your Passive Aggressive Husband in Denial? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Just so that we understand each other better, let’s quickly review exactly what passive-aggression is: a behavior between couples involving resistance to do any shared projects, or one person doing exactly what he had in mind even if both might have decided that you were going to do something together. The end result when nothing happens because he “forgot” is utter frustration and loneliness for you.

So how come the men in your life seem to all have followed this pattern of behavior, where they constantly keep you wondering about their true intentions, and if they are going to keep their promises or not, and end up frustrating you in the end?

In most cases, it is actually safe to assume that a good part of the reason why women unconsciously end up dating men who are passive aggressive… is because they like it. Now, don’t scoff at this yet and keep reading. As humans, we tend to be drawn to things that are familiar, and therefore make us feel “safe” whether we realize it or not. Same as with things, we unconsciously look for behaviors that we “know” and towards which we already have the mechanics to react to; so we –although it might drive us crazy- are attracted towards those who exhibit them.

So, how come women like this “safe” and “familiar” behavior to the point that they end up actually looking for partners who exhibit it? Well, if this is your case, chances are that you come from a family where one or both parents controlled the relationship via passive aggression, and this got you used to interacting with the behavior since childhood. You probably felt helpless being caught up in this family dynamic because much like in your present, back then, one person was getting their own way by silently maneuvering around the other person whilst the recipient was no doubt pissed off and frustrated at their behavior and the results of it. You probably tried to help but were likely powerless, so in adulthood, it’s almost like righting the wrongs of your past by trying to be successful in surpassing this behavior. So you are possibly looking for a passive aggressive person to tame into a good husband.

Trouble is that by repeating the same interaction from your past, you are sure to be frustrated like your mother/father was because getting the same results, year after year, and once again, the more you push, the more the other person resists the pushing and withdraws into cold shoulder and other PA behaviors.

How did you entered into this cycle? Probably because you wanted to help him because by him looking helpless or feigning helplessness about his problems, he invited the “helper” in you to appear and intervene in his behalf.

It’s not clear that he has invited you to “reform” him; probably not, and his game consists on inviting people to help him only to withdraw and frustrate the helper’s intentions. You can consider this avoidance response and refusal to change as an attack on you… But because you’re so used to this type of interaction, you need his PA behavior to define your personal identity as being useful, thus you’ll get caught up in trying to manage him and manage yourself around his behaviors.

Now, his apparent ‘neediness’ will draw you into these situations, and then, as has become the norm, your own needs won’t be met, you will feel frustrated and follow one of two possible courses of action: either you’ll silently simmer and hope for things to change, or you will try to verbalize your anger in a way that will scare him and force him to promise to take action so that you get what you want… he will agree to it, only to have the opportunity to disappoint you again!

So what can you do?

It is difficult to change a situation that has remained the same through all of your life, yet it is not impossible. Before you can come to terms with the relationship you currently have, it would be ideal for you to come to terms with the reason for it: the type of interaction you had (or still have with) your parent (who is the likeliest source of passive aggressive behavior in your life).

You might feel the need to talk to a coach, a good friend, or a spiritual adviser to admit the reality of the situation and gather the strength to confront it. Only once you have solved the issues stemming from your past and to which you are unconsciously holding on to, will you be able to successfully take on your present challenges.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Get your conflict coach session now!

Passive Aggression: Stop Welcoming It Home! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Everybody wants to have a happy Valentine’s Day with their loved one, and yet if you have marital problems, this seemingly simple aspiration seems to become a vast challenge, even a test. How could you have a good Valentine’s Day if your husband is often sulking and has a tendency to forget making plans or get you a present for this particular day? You might even be ready for disappointment thinking that he will forget the day!

You can still enjoy the day, and I don’t mean that you should go and get a massage for yourself and then have some lonely chocolate (although that would be a nice and well-deserved treat). You can use this opportunity to be the one romancing your husband, and giving him a pleasant surprise, for men often complain about how they are the ones supposed to do all the work around this occasion.

You can prepare his favorite meal or invite him to a restaurant. Make it a date and do not pressure him into being in charge. Tell him how nice and sharp he looks; remind him of the things you love about him and of one or two things he has done recently that you appreciate.

You should be honest and affectionate with your comments, so that he feels recognized and appreciated. For the sake of the holiday and of the reasons why you are doing this (because you love your husband, because you want to have a good day, etc.) avoid criticizing him. Keep in mind that if you criticize him, he’ll feel attacked and will be likely to start deflecting blame via clamming up… do not let this happen because then you could start to get upset and if your temper gets the best of you, then an argument will ensue and two things will happen: one, that your husband will have “further proof” that you easily lose control and that it is you who is abusive, and two, that you will end up with exactly the bad memory of a Valentine’s day that you were seeking to avoid.

Remember that passive-aggressive people are not the most willing to apologize for their mistakes, so avoid this conundrum.

It might seem like a lot to ask, but you could actually benefit from giving him a little something. Yes, a present. It does not have to be the newest, most expensive set of tools out in the market, but something simple and well thought-out. Here you are tapping into his desire to be recognized and the surprise value that it would have.

Now, here is the most challenging part of this proposal… after all the work that organizing a date can represent, and particularly if you have difficulties with managing confrontations… you should not expect anything in exchange for the date. Detach yourself from any expectation.

I can hear you groaning….Why this part of the recommendation is here? Don’t you deserve some appreciation also? Because in this way you are freeing him to be himself, not forced by a compulsory tit for tat behavior…So you are giving him a chance to relax and let his guard down, perhaps even talk to you more openly. Wouldn’t that be a better Valentine’s gift than a bunch of soon-to-wither flowers?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me.

Having A Passive Aggressive Valentine? Go Figure! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

This facet of passive aggressive behavior is difficult to deal with. When you’re sad, it can be tempting to say whatever you can think of until he talks to you again. When you’re hurt, you may just slam out of the room, leaving him to sulk in his own silence.

What is the best course of action, in either case? What will effectively show him the consequences of the silent treatment, without making you stoop to his level or act out of anger?

Our recommended tactic is this: assert yourself. Remember that his silent treatment is a choice, that he could have behaved differently and didn’t. You are not under any obligation to give him what he wants or give in to his “punishment.” His treatment does not prove or confirm anything about your value; it simply shows that he can’t handle conflict.

Because you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, you can make your own decisions about how to react. If he decides to be distant, show him that you can do the same. Detach yourself (gracefully) by having your own projects and friends, beyond his influence. Not only will this allow you to have an environment away from him, it will allow you to think clearly, have a new perspective, and feel stronger the next time he tries to manipulate you with silence.

When both of you have had your time alone, you will be better prepared to look at what happened and consider the impact his behavior is having on your relationship.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

How to react to the silent treatment? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Today we’re offering a tip that will help you work through these feelings in a healthy way, so that you have a clearer understanding about the relationship.

The real struggle we see in relationships like this is that the victim can’t identify what’s really going on. Maybe you see him pulling away and think “He doesn’t love me.” Or, even worst: “I’m not lovable.” In reality, he is afraid of getting too close and then being hurt.

This conflict within himself creates conflict between the two of you; he sends out contradicting messages like “I’ll be here for you when you need me,” and then he’s gone when you need his support in a project or event.

He’ll produce even more confusion by trying to rationalize his behavior, giving you a list of good reasons why he does what he does.

Here’s the tactic most helpful for avoiding the confusion his actions can cause:

Come to terms with being in a passive aggressive relationship. This has a lot to do with saying to yourself: “this is my situation, this is how it is. It is not about me, or him not loving me. It is about him, his passive aggression, and his hidden fears. My confusion and emotional pain are indicators of being with him – not him being with me!”

When you think clearly about the situation, you are better prepared to move forward toward a solution between yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll keep accusing him of not wanting a relationship, he’ll accuse you of being too needy, and you’ll keep going around in circles!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Why don’t you get your conflict coaching session today? Go to Conflictcoach.me now!.

Stop confusing your brain! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Some of the responses, 75% of them expressed dreams so:

1. “I need to know that I have a partner who cares! When you truly love someone, you want what’s best for them; you want to see them spread their wings and try to fly. Helping them with the things that matter to them is never a burden. Most importantly, loving someone means you wouldn’t dream of sabotaging their projects; their dreams. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what my husband has done, and almost all of my projects have been ruined by him.”

2. “More than anything, I desire the freedom and confidence to take on even the hardest projects. Instead of criticizing me or telling me I can’t do it, he should be cheering me on, letting me know that he’s proud of me. I know that I am strong enough to succeed without his help… But success would be so much more gratifying if I knew that he had been there to encourage me through my struggles.”

3. “I want to know that we don’t have to compete against one another and argue about whose project or needs are more ‘important’. I wish we could slow down, lean on each other more, and simply enjoy our time together. Who knows, maybe we would even get excited about each other’s important projects!”

In what other ways would you know that he supports you?

• “I know I can count on his support when I need it, no matter what it is I require.”

• “My husband cares enough to do something simply because he knows it’s important to me.”

• “He is with me every step of the way, but he also respects my space and gives me time to develop my projects.”

• “It is a back and forth conversation: I give him my full support, and he returns the gesture.”

• “He takes a real, genuine interest in the things I want to do.”

I simply need to feel respected.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be respected, included and supported in your life struggles by the person most near you…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his way of denying support to your projects, and request from him the reciprocal support that is the core of any marriage? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his negativity and lack of support that forces you to give your battles always alone and with an extra handicap of fearing him stabbing you in the back?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Is he Frequently Sabotaging Your Projects? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

If your passive aggressive partner is used to have you covering up for his withdrawal, silences and frequent claims of helplessness, then STOP.

You could train yourself on not reacting to cover up his missing activities. Given that your own welfare and livelihood are dependent on his, because living together, he is confident that you will save both of you at the last minute.

How could you pull this trick:

Declare somewhat casually that you are not to be automatically in charge of covering up what he leaves undone or forgets and that he needs to ask you for the favor of doing something in his own “to do list.” If there is no request from his side, inform him you will let the issue expire, drop or be disconnected.

Try to pick one issue not so fundamental to your own well being as the electricity supply. If this bill lapses because he didn’t remember to pay it, better you have your own flashlight hidden somewhere in the house.

Once you have selected your issue target, do nothing. Don’t remind him; don’t warn him; keep complete silence and see what happens.

Wait to mention the issue so he is the one first to recognize that something is not working. Wait to be asked if you did pay the bill, etc. then, look at him and say “That was in your list, and as we both are grown up people, we both need to take care of what needs to be done.”

Don’t offer to solve the problem; be prepared to live without, up until the moment he decides to go ahead and solve it. It can be difficult, but remember that you are making a point here.

Probably, the most difficult part of this strategy will be stopping yourself from helping, solving or taking care of things…This is a good thing to learn, so stay put, breathe deeply and remember to have fun and enjoy your own life.

PD. we have two more great strategies to teach you….keep reading. If you have a good friend in need of learning them, could you send this message to them? Thanks!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Balancing Passive Aggression Strategy 1 is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband