How Does Passive Aggression Kill Communication?

April 22, 2011 By

How does passive aggression kill the communication and love in a relationship? Wives of passive aggressive husbands share their stories.

He has done a lot of the following behaviors to me:

  • Saying he will do something and not doing it;
  • Doing something half-assed, and then blaming me for attacking him when I confront him;
  • Never taking responsibility for things that go wrong;
  • Defiant against authority and social mores, always criticizing those who have power in church, government, at his job;
  • Gets back at people secretively – like shooting the neighbors car with a BB gun and then denying having done it;
  • Lying to save himself or avoid punishment;
  • Having an affair and saying it was caused by me not giving him affection.

When I confront him about any of this, or god forbid confront him about being passive aggressive, he says I’m “out to make him wrong” (his hidden anger, from when his family would make him the scapegoat). And that’s where the conversation stops! If we’re unable to move beyond this communication wall, our relationship is going to end, and badly.

- Madeline

 

My husband and I have a lot of communication problems because of his passive aggression. He often forgets conversations we’ve had, denies they happened, or denies any fact from them that would make him wrong. I’ve taken to writing things down, repeating them verbatim, or printing email records to prove that I’m not as crazy as he says.

I feel like I can’t talk to him even then, because he’s continually passing judgement on what I’m thinking and doing at the moment, showing me that I don’t pass his evaluations and expectations.

It’s like a constant mental game of chess – I’m always on the defensive, while he thinks the opposite. Meanwhile, we shouldn’t be competing or playing games at all! Failure to communicate honestly and openly is breaking up our relationship.

- Eden

 

His passive aggression is making our lives hell. The simple things like saying “I’ll do this,” and then actually doing it, are lost. He uses his passive aggressive communication/language as a way to make me feel demanding (when he doesn’t do things he said he would) or abusive (confronting him about how many times he’s let me down).

He is bitter and jealous of anyone else’s achievements, and either criticizes them constantly or refuses to talk to them at all. He continually gripes about not being recognized for his hard work, when he’s not really putting in any more effort than I am.

He mumbles so I can’t tell whether he’s insulting me or others, and he’s distant, even when we’re in the same room.

Help me!

- Georgia

What can you do to deal with this sad state of affairs? There are lots of resources here in this blog, as well as coaching available.

 

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, offering you a coaching session to deal with hubby’s passive aggression!.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

His Silence Can Hurt Your Marriage!

February 28, 2011 By

When you have a fight with your spouse, you can use different strategies to get your point across. You can yell, you can calmly explain your point of view, or if you are feeling misunderstood, offended or upset you can withdraw into stony silence.

If we look at long term impact of these different communication strategies, we can see that they have different consequences. We can yell and apologize later, which eases the situation into normal dialogue; we can yell and continue using names and aggressive four letter words on our spouse. Is it effective venting? you bet! is it conducive to marital happiness. NO… you come across as impulsive, aggressive without self-control and it makes the other person fearful of raising important issues and cower in his/her own hole. In the end, it destroys trust and communication is reduced to a minimum.

You can explain your point of view in a calm view. If the other side is upset, perhaps she can see you as cold and detached; and perhaps the crying can escalate up to the point where you show some feelings and console her. From here on, we are back into normal communication. You still have the satisfaction of being able to share your ideas in a way that is not threatening or insulting or damaging the relationship.

What happens when you withdraw from interchanges with your spouse? you are trying to send a message of being offended and/or hurt, and it can come across as such in the beginning. However, a long term withdrawal signals a complete emotional detachment and confirms that there is no life in the marital bond….there is a very high price to pay because it is known that high rates of divorce are attributed to one spouse’s withdrawal from daily communications.

Is there a gender difference in the use of this strategies?

Over the course of marriage, women may be more likely to recognize that withdrawing from conflict or using destructive strategies is neither effective nor beneficial to the overall well-being and stability of their marriages.

They tend more and more to extend an olive branch and start any kind of verbal negotiation, only to keep the conversation going. In short, they usually learn that withdrawal doesn’t work.

Husbands tend to use this tactic in the same proportion through the years, and doing so send the message that they do not care about reconnecting verbally with their spouses, so deepening the chasm between them in a non-recoverable way.

What are they trying to protect with the silence? their privacy? their hurt self-esteem? Whatever the reason, this is a sure way to destroy any bridges of understanding and mutual support… it converts the marriage in a silent partnership which makes no one happy.

Would you like to have more information? Go to the scientific publication!

 

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Now you can even get in touch with a complimentary coaching session! So, what are you waiting for?
Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Break Through his Silence Wall

February 18, 2011 By

Understanding passive aggression is not as hard as it seems. Many experts will try to explain passive aggression in official definitions like this:

“Passive-aggression is a personality trait that is marked by a persistent negativity and passive resistance to responsibilities and cooperation.”

However, we’d like to offer a better, more simple explanation that works to not only help you understand what’s going on during a fight, but also what is going on in the passive aggressive man’s mind.

What she sees What he sees
He is not including me in the decisions of the relationship. I’m weighing options and making the best decisions.
He refuses to contribute to projects. There are many good reasons for not joining in – others are expecting too much of me, are not smart enough, are not fair enough.
He is late for things important to me; just as I ask his help for a project, he will promise support and then sabotage my project She’s too demanding, too controlling with my time – she needs to be more flexible. I have other commitments. (“I’ll show her who is in control”)
He breaks his promises: says he will do something and then nothing happens, no communication about when task will get done, nothing…and when I ask questions about the project, he explodes! I’ll do it when I have time. She’s asking too much from me, to have it done now.
I have to pull things out of him. She’s invading my privacy; she’ll use what I say against me later or take it the wrong way.

What we see is that within the relationship, the wife and the husband each have different perceptions of their roles (the man feels he’s doing his duty by making the decisions, and the woman feels she’s not getting a say). In a healthy marriage, the two people can eventually calm down from a conflict, confront each other in a respectful way, and find out who did what that hurt the other. This creates gradual growth and mutual learning.

When the husband is passive aggressive, however, there is no learning or growth. A confrontation that goes like, “Well, do you see why I’m angry?” will end like, “Why are you accusing me? I’m not doing anything wrong, this is all because you don’t love me.” His sudden desire to get away usually leads to silent treatment and emotional withdrawal.

The cycle continues, and what we have are a husband and wife with two very different ideas about what a marriage is!

It’s useless to try to convince him to try to communicate better, in this case. You need strategies to address this person, and make this person focus. A third party always works best for getting these strategies started, until eventually the two of you learn how to do it on your own.

Ready to get started? Click HERE to visit Conflict Coach and receive your free coaching session! Don’t let the cycle continue… break through to him and get your marriage back!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Deal with Your Passive Aggressive Ex-Husband

February 4, 2011 By

In general, you need to remember that how parents work with each other after divorce has an impact on how well children will manage. And you do care about how your children develop later in life, and want them to navigate this divorce with the least amount of harm possible.

It is important to respect your children’s need to love and develop positive relationships with both parents. If you promote good will in your relationship with your PA ex-husband, you will be investing in your children’s happiness and success in life.

If you are still angry with each other over past circumstances and allow these feelings to affect your current relationship, co-parenting will be difficult. You need to be willing to help each other in times of crises and stress, regardless of the divorce.

Stop being an enemy and focusing on the negative experiences of the marriage and divorce. Remember that this attitude will force your children to side with one or the other parent. Even if your actual sense of justice would demand to anihilate the other parent image in the minds of your children, this hurts them. Leave the past behind and resolve to have a compassionate attitude if only to help your children grow without damage.

What are the specific challenges that you can find with a person that behaved in a passive aggressive way with you? That he can resist any of your positive comments or requests about the children, right? So, how can you develop a way of negotiation with him that helps the communication to work?

  1. Ask for help in a way that will make him feel appreciated and in control (more in control of things than I am).
  2. If necessary, when asking for something, or in general, tell him specifically “I don’t want to control you, I just want your help.”
  3. When confronting him, do it gently and say “We don’t need to blame each other.  I need your help in solving this.”
  4. Be aware that the silent treatment will probably continue sometimes because he “needs” to punish you. Just ignore this, and send your kind messages once again.
  5. Clarify with each other what’s expected in your relationship and what feels comfortable when interacting. He might need a very clear set of rules with little negotiation, at the beginning.You can be more flexible later.
  6. Refrain from name-calling or bad language when referring to your former spouse, particularly in front of the children.
  7. Ask yourself always if what you are doing is in the best interest of the children.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to react to the silent treatment?

January 25, 2011 By

Are you getting the cold shoulder from your partner, but you don’t know or understand why? Is he suddenly keeping your conversations at a minimum, giving you a little word here and there only to isolate himself? When this comes from your partner, from whom you expect a loving connection, this can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing.

This facet of passive aggressive behavior is difficult to deal with. When you’re sad, it can be tempting to say whatever you can think of until he talks to you again. When you’re hurt, you may just slam out of the room, leaving him to sulk in his own silence.

What is the best course of action, in either case? What will effectively show him the consequences of the silent treatment, without making you stoop to his level or act out of anger?

Our recommended tactic is this: assert yourself. Remember that his silent treatment is a choice, that he could have behaved differently and didn’t. You are not under any obligation to give him what he wants or give in to his “punishment.” His treatment does not prove or confirm anything about your value; it simply shows that he can’t handle conflict.

Because you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, you can make your own decisions about how to react. If he decides to be distant, show him that you can do the same. Detach yourself (gracefully) by having your own projects and friends, beyond his influence. Not only will this allow you to have an environment away from him, it will allow you to think clearly, have a new perspective, and feel stronger the next time he tries to manipulate you with silence.

When both of you have had your time alone, you will be better prepared to look at what happened and consider the impact his behavior is having on your relationship.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts
Newer Posts »