What are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. When he’s trying to use PA behavior with you, these positive things will help you focus on using your own techniques, instead of breaking down.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

You can get more tips for improving your marital happiness by talking one-on-one with our Conflict Coach.

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Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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80% of men prefer to “clam up” and not share their personal thoughts with loved ones, in order to avoid feeling vulnerable, rejected or criticized. This is according to a survey recently conducted by Creative Conflict Resolutions.

Creative Conflict Resolutions tested more than 900 men by using an online questionnaire, in order to determine the presence of passive aggressive behavior in each test-taker. This test has twenty-one questions about the way people approach communication and emotional issues in their relationship, and it is still available for free at their site, Passive Aggressive Test.

Their findings show that among passive aggressive men, and sometimes even with otherwise emotionally healthy men, there is an insistent urge to hide true feelings and opinions.

This leads to the confusing situation that many couples face during a passive aggressive relationship. The passive aggressive person makes promises, agrees, and otherwise goes along with his partner to avoid feeling vulnerable – but then doesn’t deliver, because they never really meant to. Their partners feel frustrated by this contradictory behavior, and confront the promise-breaker with this fateful message: “I think you might be passive aggressive.”

The result? A vicious cycle where the passive aggressive person retreats more, clams up more, trying to fly under their partner’s emotional needs radar. It turns into a situation of extreme isolation and growing lack of trust, which can end the marriage.

Another interesting statistic? 68% of the men tested said they found some satisfaction in being called out; they felt that had gotten “revenge” by breaking a promise to someone who deserved to be let down. Why the revenge? This is the core of the Creative Conflicts proposal: to find the heart of the passive aggressive person’s hurt, which prompts him to take revenge against people who are only looking for a deeper connection.

Creative Conflicts wants to share this information with both the passive aggressive man and his partner, addressing both the causes and the effects of passive aggressive behavior. “The partner of a passive aggressive person can spend the best 20-30 years of their life trying to decode this maddening double message, all while being accused of thinking crazy thoughts and be overly needy when the subject is brought up.

After analyzing the results and the implications thereof, Creative Conflicts created a new set of tools for the passive aggressive husband, to complement the tools they already offer for his unsuspecting partner. With their survey, Creative Conflicts gained greater perspective on the mindset of the passive aggressive man and where his emotional needs lie. Their tools outline the path and steps a passive aggressive man needs to take in order to heal his emotional disconnection and his sending double messages. Creative Conflicts’ new system is ready for their clients, and has already met with success. It can be found at Passive Aggressive System.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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By now, if your wife has shared with you what’s on this blog, if you’ve taken our Passive Aggressive Test, or if you’ve just been doing research on your own, you may be beginning to see the truth about your own behavior. You may not want to admit that you have passive aggressive behaviors, but you can still admit that something is not right between you and your partner. No matter what, your marriage is at stake at the moment you’re reading this.

If you still haven’t acted, try to think about what you are facing now. Something is wrong in your relationship: what happens if you don’t fix it? It is easy for us to think that problems go away if we let them drift under the rug, but that can’t happen if we are the ones causing a recurring, troublesome situation.

What is preventing you from opening up to yourself and your wife about your situation? If you had a condition passed down to you from your parents (such as hair loss), would you have problems admitting that? We’ve been talking a lot about how passive aggression is taught to people by their parents. In terms of origin, admitting to your (learned) behavior is not so very different from admitting to hereditary hair loss.

However, we understand that the hardest thing to admit to yourself is that you’ve been hurting your family. If you acted in the way you’ve always acted, it has  to be normal, right? If you didn’t mean to hurt someone, do you still have to take responsibility?

Unfortunately, being an adult means that you DO.

Is it painful, difficult? Yes. It’s always hard to admit that we’re doing something damaging to someone else, even unwittingly. It makes us feel less than worthy. But think: your wife hasn’t rejected you now. And she’s telling you that she’s willing to work it out if you’ll only open up to healing your behavior.

Isn’t some fear about being rejected better than ACTUALLY being rejected when you can’t face up to hurting your family?

We know it may take you a while. But every journey starts with a single step. Our “Six-Step System to Stop Your Passive Aggression” is ready for you at Passive Aggressive System, but if you’re not ready to commit to such an undertaking, you can talk to one of our coaches at Conflict Coach to see if the system is right for you and your family.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin inviting you to take the passive aggressive test, for free , with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Now, we have an answer to that difficult question. We’ve listened to you, researched literature and the last published studies, and have compiled our findings. The results? The “Six-Step System to Stop Your Passive Aggression and Save Your Marriage!”

This system offers you the life-changing results you and your family need. The first step is taking a Passive Aggressive Test, where your husband sits down alone and tests himself to get a definitive answer. He controls his answers; thus, he comes to realize the “passive aggressive” situation on his own. No more fights about who is right or who has the stronger argument! Your home is not a court of law, right?

However, that’s not the end. We want to make sure he changes his behavior, so your marriage and family can recover without a chance of regression! The system includes a ground-breaking electronic book called “Stop Your Passive Aggressive Behavior and Save Your Marriage.”

This book helps husbands understand what passive aggression behaviors are and why you’ve been calling them that this whole time. We take it further, including “The Essential Workbook to Defeat Passive Aggression” so that your husband can do the exercises necessary to analyze his past and see where his behaviors come from. These two products can give your husband the push he needs to change, NOW.

After your husband uses these materials, he can use the system’s included two coaching sessions and online forum to complete his healing process. Coaching is often the place where his actions hit home and he really realizes what he’s done to you and his family in his “defense” mode.

The beauty of this whole process is that it is carried out mainly by him, in a way that leads him to his own discoveries. You have no burden to convince him with online printouts and official statements from experts. However, you do have the option to join him in his quest – there’s an entire chapter in the book dedicated to what you can do to help him recover!

This system offers men a new way to look at their behavior, one that doesn’t include him trying to decide whether he believes what others tell him about himself. Our system suits his desire to heal only because HE sees the problem, not because YOU say there is one, so you don’t have to fight any longer! Don’t keep putting the burden on yourself to change him. That is no one’s job but HIS, and this system not only teaches him that… it teaches him how to do it!

Are you ready to get started with helping your husband help himself? Tell him to visit our Passive Aggressive Test to get started. Tell him that he can finally see for himself whether he’s passive aggressive or not! He can also order the Six-Step System here and get started immediately!

Be the first to visit our new solution here: http://passiveaggressivetest.com/StopPANow/

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. 

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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They go from saying things like, “There is no way I can accept all this mumbo jumbo of PA… time heals everything. I can’t deal with her suffering, and I guess I have little to do with it. Why can’t she shut up, appreciate what I give to her and live normally like other women do?”

To: “I have been married for 17 years and apparently slowly torturing my wife for all of them.”

It can be shocking, depressing, frightening for the husband to see his actions and their consequences there in front of him. However, we don’t want his healing process to stop with “You’re passive aggressive” and then leave him hanging. Nothing will ever change that way, and it may get even worse! Our goal with the “Six-Step System to Stop Your Passive Aggression and Save Your Marriage” is to help him to see his behaviors, then look beyond them to the solutions that can help his relationships recover.

Although he may see his problem and want to solve it, he may also think, “I can’t afford to help myself!” We’re not offering expensive therapy as a solution. We’re offering him a chance to sit down with himself and think about the solutions he can handle and implement with little room for failure. This isn’t a therapy session, it’s a boot camp!

Be the first to visit our new solution here: http://passiveaggressivetest.com/StopPANow/

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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We want to change that. Up until now, your husband hasn’t realized that there is a problem with his behavior. Even when something bad happens and he instinctively knows he was responsible, he holds on to the idea that he is innocent because he doesn’t want  people to think of him as doing bad things on purpose or being a “bad person.” Better an unaware person than a bad person, right?

The problem is, he’s promoting more bad situations by avoiding looking at problems directly. His relationships end up sabotaged by his own brain and learned reactions, and in defense mode, he can’t admit that there’s a problem and work to heal it. So, things just get worse and worse for him – the wife is more threatening and confrontational, he’s more defensive, which makes the wife more confrontational! It’s an endless cycle of vicious situations.

Most of the time, what everyone calls his “passive aggression” is done by his unconscious brain, reflexively. He may not know what he’s doing when he does it. But it’s important for him to stop now and see that he IS doing something with a negative impact. The next step shouldn’t be denial but a question to himself: “HOW DO I STOP?”
His actions become unconscious when they are learned early on in life. By not trying to identify these behaviors and heal them, he’s ignoring his childhood influences and their HUGE impact on his life even now. The consequences? Constant fear of connecting with his loved ones and bleak, utter loneliness. The sense that something is wrong and threatening, that he should protect himself from it, but never knowing exactly why or what from is always with him. He (and you!) can never be happy in that mode!

Be the first to visit our new solution here: http://passiveaggressivetest.com/StopPANow/

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Sometimes we hear about the challenges that passive aggression and other defensive behaviors have on marriages, but we fail to connect these present, adult behavior failures with the past conditioning produced in us by the family we grew up with.

So now we have a wife who is totally confused and blindsided by the spouse’s behavior, and that frustrated wife erroneously connects her husband’s unhappiness and their current problem to something she either did or didn’t do.

In short, the present spouse makes herself responsible for her husband’s behavior, and in taking this weight on, she tries to find the reason of the communication failure, so she can “heal it.”

Nobody enters into a relationship with a disclaimer, or an instruction letter that would make it easier for the wife to know the territory she is entering. If such a letter did exist, the instructions on how to deal with a passive aggressive husband would begin with capital letters:

“THIS IS A CONDITION YOU DID NOT CAUSE~

YOU CAN’T NEITHER CURE OR CONTROL IT,”

NOW, can you  stop blaming yourself!”

Wouldn’t that kind of disclaimer be a god-sent message? It would save so much pain, grief and time… which of course translates into lost happiness. Together in this blindness is the passive aggressive spouse, who will support to his death the conviction that his behavior is normal and everybody else is “too demanding” or “needy” or whatever way he uses to describe a wife with emotional needs going unsolved.

Let me recap: if you are in a passive aggressive relationship, take a step back and frame everything under this mantra: I did not cause his condition, I can’t cure him and the best I can do is not to take personally anything of the hurtful behaviors he is doing now.

When it gets hard, remind yourself:

Whatever he is doing now,

• it is his only way of responding; he doesn’t know better;
• it is the response he learned with his primary care-taker or mother;
• your best way of protecting yourself is letting the behavior go away without engaging on it. Just ignore it.

Now that you have this vital piece of information, what are you going to do?

Certainly not try to change him yourself. That role lies with him whose behavior it is! To encourage him to take his own behavior into his own hands, we encourage passive aggressive husbands to take our Passive Aggressive Test. He will be guided to see for himself that these are his own behaviors (not yours or your responsibility). And YES, WE can help him change himself with the “6 Steps System to Stop Passive Aggression and Save your Marriage!”

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It is a pattern learned from the interaction with the mother or caretaker, who taught him in his first year of life either that he should not depend on her (and thus you should not depend on him) or instilled in him a fear of rejection or ambiguous security (thus, he will not open up to you or doing anything to make himself look bad).

What are the three most common attachment styles?

• Secure: Secure attachment is a healthy attachment. It is confidence and security in both the permanence of the relationship, and the honesty of the significant other. Secure attachment people tend to trust that their partners love them and find them attractive. This was learned from a secure mother, who was there for the child when it needed her, and provided love and attention on a continual (rather than spotty or random) basis.
• Anxious: Anxious attachment deals with fear of rejection and relationship stability. An anxious attachment pattern in a mother is one where she alternately smothered and ignored the child, bouncing between thinking she didn’t love it enough and thinking she loved it too much. This undependable and erratic behavior translates to the adult relationship, making the terrain of any relationship unreliable and fickle for the child.
• Avoidant: Avoidant attachment deals with a lack of desire to depend on others, as well as an abhorrence of opening up or being vulnerable. This is learned in childhood when a mother is avoidant – she will deny the child attention, avoiding giving him what he needs if he asks for it. A caregiver figure may not have been emotionally present at all. Often, avoidant partners will call their significant others “needy” and “overemotional.”

Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often appear together and reinforcing each other in a passive aggressive person. At his core, his inner child still worries about rejection from others, especially you as his wife (anxious attachment). To isolate himself from this inner child’s fear and resentment, the passive aggressive man uses avoidant attachment to prevent you (and perhaps himself) from seeing the scared, anxious child inside.

Often, what we learn is that your own attachment style can affect how your passive aggressive husband’s style manifests. Your own style can determine whether or not he reacts anxiously or avoidantly – for example, if you are anxious or insecure yourself, he may be more avoidant. If you are avoidant, he may be more anxious, his actions driven largely out of fear of/perceived rejection by you. If you have a secure attachment, and know what happens with him, perhaps living with you and acting as a secure, supportive spouse will help transform his primal attachment style into one more mature.

How are attachment patterns influencing the outcome of your passive aggressive marriage? If you have learned a little more about both of you by reading this post, but are unsure how you can apply that knowledge, we have many resources for you.

The best place to start would be a free consultation with our conflict coach. Coach Nora can guide you through the process by which you can learn to reach a compromise between your attachment styles, and even learn to rewire old patterns into new, secure ones!

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There are four main things a passive aggressive person will try to control or violate, in order to protect themselves from rejection and/or confrontation.

• The Right to Know
• The Right to Feel
• The Right to Have Impact
• The Right to Space

When he violates your right to know, he gives you unclear information, withholds information that you don’t “need” (like the finances), or gives you too little or too much information. With too little, you are left shaky and uncertain, realizing after he leaves that he didn’t really answer your question, or in fact made the situation look worse than you thought. This is where you may feel as if you’re expected to draw your own conclusions or “mind read.” With no information (“the silent treatment”) you feel like you’re walking on eggshells – or a mine field. When you are given too much information (anger attacks or blaming), you are not given time to speak, defend yourself, ask for clearer information, or set boundaries.

Your right to feel is violated when he tells you what you’re feeling, what you’re about to do or how you’re going to react. He may make claims about how you “always overreact” or how you’re just being “emotional.” He’ll make emotional demands about what not to feel (“Don’t cry”) or what you shouldn’t feel.

Crazy-making situations really start to show when your right to impact is violated. This is when he denies (by ignoring you, by overriding your needs with his own, by refusing to meet your needs) that you have an impact on his life. We measure our existence by how much impact we have on others, both physically and emotionally. If you feel like you don’t matter to him (don’t have an impact), it’s like being told you don’t exist at all! He can make this worse by “thinging” or objectifying you. He may treat you like a piece of furniture, coming to you only when he has certain physical needs. He may also deny your impact on him by denying contact – in other words, anything you say about his faults will bounce off and come back as something to use against you.

The last way he may violate your rights is to deny your right to space. In many ways, this is your right to individual power – the thing he wants you to have very little or none of. He may violate your right to emotional, physical, time, or mental space by saying that you doing x violates his right to do y (thus painting you out to be the bad guy, every time). For example, your right to be alone in your office violates his right to come visit you. Your right to have friends and family over violates his right to privacy and quiet. And so on, and so on.

These are the four main ways a passive aggressive husband exerts his crazy-making control over his partner and other people. Looking at them as your rights helps to understand this behavior as abusive – a denial of your personal rights to sanity and respect. Which of these ways is your husband using against you? More than one? Maybe all?

We encourage you to explore our blog, videos, and discussions (under “Ask Nora” and “Your Voice”) to learn more about these abusive behaviors and how to defend yourself against them. But for immediate action and sanity-saving help, please visit Coach Nora, and receive a free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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