The first step in leaving a passive aggressive husband is to come to terms with your situation. You may have already done this, but if you haven’t, let us explain. It is important to realize the facts about your relationship: your partner is passive aggressive. You have tried everything you could, and still he refuses to accept his share in conflict ownership. Regardless of that, he is responsible at least for half of the relationship failure…and still in denial of this fact.  You are in pain, ready to move on, ready to begin again on your own if you have to.

Another thing to keep in mind is that certain strategies that have worked for others may not have worked for you, and that’s okay. After a certain point, some people are not fixable or changeable – simply because he has to be the one to commit to changing himself. Have you heard the phrase, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink?” If your passive aggressive husband can’t commit to changing, it is not your responsibility or obligation to try and change him anyway. If he’s not willing to commit to change, he’s also not willing to commit to the relationship.

The next step after accepting that he will not change – and you have no obligation to change him – is to grieve the dreams you’re leaving behind. Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? It’s true though. Essentially, you suffer from the relationship not just because it thwarts your need for love, support, and trust. You also suffer because there is some part of you that still dreams of a perfect marriage, and this part of you is constantly crying, “Look, this is what could have been.” This may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. It requires teaching yourself that sometimes, we can’t rely on others to fulfill our dreams, or wait for them to give us what we need. We have to take charge and take what we need for ourselves, or move on and find someone who deserves us. Realize that you have more to offer than is being recognized; you are worth respect and adoration!

After you’ve left the relationship behind you – moved to a new city, gotten a new job, whatever it is that you decided – the next important step is to re-motivate your life. Stop, think clearly for a moment. Has it sunk in yet, that you can do whatever you want? That you are free? That there is nothing holding you back from doing the things you’ve dreamt of doing? Think about something you’ve wanted to do, somewhere you wanted to be. Maybe you have projects that you never were able to do, goals you left behind to put your husband’s needs first. Pick those things back up! Let yourself dive back into them, and being to nurture and heal yourself in the process.

Lastly, it is critical for you to have a network of supportive people to shelter you as you transition from your old marriage to your new life. Whether they are family, friends, church members, teachers, mentors, or coaches, the benefits of having someone to listen to you and guide you cannot be overestimated. You need someone who will know how to put you on the right path when you’re not sure where to go next, when your ex-partner tries to guilt trip you, when there are complications in the process or when you just feel discouraged and lonely.

If you are ready to leave your relationship, want to try and salvage it, or are just trying to get by in whatever situation you’re in, Coach Nora is here to help. Please visit her here to receive a free coaching session, and learn what you can do to create a happier, healthier life for yourself. No bad situation is ever permanent, if you don’t want it to be!

Also, we offer an entire eBook on the subject of leaving a passive aggressive relationship. Please look below how to get your own copy, and learn more strategies for moving on in a healthy, responsible way.

Ending the Sadness of Passive Aggressive Relationships is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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It is important to respect your children’s need to love and develop positive relationships with both parents. If you promote good will in your relationship with your PA ex-husband, you will be investing in your children’s happiness and success in life.

If you are still angry with each other over past circumstances and allow these feelings to affect your current relationship, co-parenting will be difficult. You need to be willing to help each other in times of crises and stress, regardless of the divorce.

Stop being an enemy and focusing on the negative experiences of the marriage and divorce. Remember that this attitude will force your children to side with one or the other parent. Even if your actual sense of justice would demand to anihilate the other parent image in the minds of your children, this hurts them. Leave the past behind and resolve to have a compassionate attitude if only to help your children grow without damage.

What are the specific challenges that you can find with a person that behaved in a passive aggressive way with you? That he can resist any of your positive comments or requests about the children, right? So, how can you develop a way of negotiation with him that helps the communication to work?

1. Ask for help in a way that will make him feel appreciated and in control (more in control of things than I am).
2. If necessary, when asking for something, or in general, tell him specifically “I don’t want to control you, I just want your help.”
3. When confronting him, do it gently and say “We don’t need to blame each other.  I need your help in solving this.”
4. Be aware that the silent treatment will probably continue sometimes because he “needs” to punish you. Just ignore this, and send your kind messages once again.
5. Clarify with each other what’s expected in your relationship and what feels comfortable when interacting. He might need a very clear set of rules with little negotiation, at the beginning.You can be more flexible later.
6. Refrain from name-calling or bad language when referring to your former spouse, particularly in front of the children.
7. Ask yourself always if what you are doing is in the best interest of the children.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

How to Deal with Your Passive Aggressive Ex-Husband is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Perhaps there is a way…Given that passive-aggressive people generally operate most effectively when they are in one-on-one conversations, its spell is contingent upon intimate conversations, one to one. In this tight environment, anyone can twist, deny, change what they said. What if we get a witness?

If no one is around to hear the conversation, no one will be able to support your account of what him or you agreed upon. Likely, you will scratch your head and wonder what just happened with his promises, and have to start from square one again when the progress you were expecting has not been achieved.

The two-step solution?

a) Have either a witness or a record:

Make sure you either have a witness with you in all major discussions (those requiring accountability),
or that you reduce your discussions/agreements to writing (emails), or that you take some notes of the meeting and keep them handy. Passive-aggressive people cannot manipulate black and white facts, and this method will expose the one who manipulated the situation.

b) Confront:
If you feel strong enough, it is wise to tactfully confront the passive-aggressive spouse and share the facts with him as you have recorded. He may not stop his passive aggressive behavior completely, but if he knows that you are on to checking the facts, he will be far less likely to try it on you again. And it will help your brain not to get confused by his messages.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Resisting passive aggressive actions… is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Both can agree in a simple conversation who is going to do what, taking into account the circumstances of each person, but also the need to have the tasks done.

As an example, when both spouses are responsible for grocery shopping, they will have a system in place that guarantees there is food in the fridge and milk for Monday’s breakfast.

This ideal task distribution is what makes a marriage such a cooperative, nurturing experience. Both sides know that the other will comply with what needs to be done, so both can be secure and happy. In the case of any emergency, there are no buts, if or “I forgot” answers, but immediate response to the question: what do we need to do now? so things can go back to normal fast.

You are going to say: “This is the ideal cooperative marriage…only in the movies!” Very frequently there are obstacles to having an equal partnership, and one side feels like the other is giving orders, or commanding him to do house tasks when the conversation about chores pops up.

Usually for men not educated enough, talking about sharing house chores will be experienced as a threat to their masculinity. Wives expecting them to respond and answer to shared planning? No way!

They can respond with indignation and some open aggression…or they can feign to go along, say that they accept their shared responsibility, and then resort to passive aggressive mode.

What is passive aggression? Is a complex mix of perceptions and emotions that push a man into a resistant stance, whereby he sees himself as defending from a wife’s “intrusions” and having to protect himself from what he sees as “her control.”

Here, it’s useful to see that is this sustained reaction to holding up his share of the marriage duties is what causes most of the discussions and fights between the couple.

His interpretation of the wife as controlling avoids his taking up his share of responsibilities, and puts him in the role of a child hiding from the grown up’s expectations about him.

In order to resist, he could be doing behaviors like:

• Eternally making excuses to avoid his obligations;
• Performing a task inefficiently that the spouse has to do it;
• Always “forgetting” what he promised to do;
• Using sarcasm describing his “controlling” wife.

In general, he can portray himself as the victim of marriage duties, using a permanent pessimistic mood, even when all is going well, and he is supposed to be happily married.

How can a wife deal with this character without feeling that she is constantly being sabotaged by him?

First, she needs to know this is a defense mechanism, learned along his earlier life experiences, and not exclusively directed against her. It’s the way he deals with life’s challenges….and can be observed in his work, in his other relationships and while dealing with his own projects. His “natural” answers are procrastination, denial, and forgetfulness.

Beyond knowing that passive aggressive behavior is his way of connecting, what else can she do?

Because there is a need to keep shared responsibilities taken care of, if she does everything, finally she will feel that she is married to no one.

The main question here for most of our readers is: “Who is there to share the burden, if he “forgets” to be active and present in his own marriage?”

We think here that there are ways of negotiating a shared partnership with spouses. If we could learn creative ways of cancelling passive aggressive behavior in the household front…life would be better, right?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Passive aggression and home duties is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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He’ll call you crazy and brush off what had made you so upset in the first place.  Lets rewind and take a look at what causes this behavior.

Joanne, a working mother, is kept busy by long hours at the office and by two active children.  Her husband Keith is a hard worker but he does not enjoy helping out around the house.  Joanne has a busy day planned and asks Keith to do the laundry.  Keith agrees and Joanne leaves the house.  When she gets home, Joanne finds the laundry unwashed and crumpled on the floor.  Keith’s excuse is that he forgot.

This can be the last straw for Joanne.  It seems that whatever she asks Keith to do, never gets done, and she begins to see a pattern in his “forgetfulness”…he forgets whatever he doesn’t want to do, but never confronts her directly.

After multiple experiences with this passive aggressive behavior, the wife may eventually explode. Then, to her surprise, her mate will remain calm, roll his eyes at her, and make her feel like she are the crazy one. Why is she screaming, when he unfortunately only forgot to do it?

Remember, a passive aggressive spouse will take his anger out on you in an indirect way.  He won’t come out and say “I don’t want to do the laundry today,” but will conveniently “forget” to do it instead.  When his spouse gets upset with him, he has all the excuses in the world.  He refuses to take blame for his passive aggressive behavior and rationalizes what he has done.

Furthermore, he feels that he must win the argument by convincing his spouse that she was the wrong one.  This type of manipulation is common for a passive aggressive spouse, and can add a lot of aggravation to their relationship. She can’t trust to delegate any domestic task on him in the future, and in this way he is off the hook. And anger builds up.

Perhaps the only way is to work with the husband and find a trade off: if he really doesn’t want to do domestic chores, what else can he do to help the overburdened wife? By discussing his resistance in the open some clarity can be achieved and expectations can be lowered to the level of what is real. It can save her some negative feelings of frustration, in the future, only if he delivers on the trade off tasks assigned to him.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Is your Passive Aggressive Spouse Making you Feel Crazy? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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He constantly devalues me (little put downs but he is always “just joking”). He says what I want to hear and does what he wants to do then makes me crazy with “Well I thought we were just having a conversation. I didn’t realize that you thought we had come to an agreement”.

How do you know you are being devalued by this dual behavior? when your words, projects and proposals are not taken seriously…he can agree with you this moment, but “forget” what you say as it was never said next minute.

If you want to have some certainty in a particular situation: “We’ll go to my parents’ this Sunday for dinner,” is probable that the dinner invitation will be renegotiated over and over again ad nauseam….

You will never hear him saying: “at what time do you want to leave for your parents’ dinner?” or any other reference to this event. There will be no references, and so when you have to bring it up, he can be utterly surprised and shocked of you sneaking this invitation on him, when he was totally ignorant of such plans….

Really maddening? Yes.

Surprising? Well, not at all!

Why not? because fogginess over agreements is one of the best tricks of a passive aggressive husband to keep you confused and frustrated. If a clear YES will do, you will get every other answer but a yes. This is such a successful method of sabotaging trust in a relationship, that is basically a tell tale indicator of PA behavior in your own husband.

Your self-defense step has to be clearly defined:
Get your own deadline fixed in your mind. If his answer is still vague 48 hours before the event, cancel it or make the firm decision to go alone. Suspending the wait, or killing the expectation that he will appear at the last minute will help you in having clarity in your life, and knowing where you stand.

If he appears at the last minute, you can be happily surprised and enjoy his company…with no emotional burden to you; because you will not expect him coming, you will not be disappointed if he cancels his visit.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

He says what I want to hear, but does what he wants to do is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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