A Xmas Truce in a Passive Aggressive Marriage?

December 21, 2010 By

This is a Christmas proposition….and you are very welcome here!

DO you remember the old stories in medieval times, when warring armies would stop the ongoing war and have a peace interval to honor Christmas?

The truce story is part of all narratives of combat: the moment when soldiers did stop attacking each other and then saw the enemy’s personal aspects…Soldiers would share a bit of goodies, show pictures of their loved ones to each other; sing a Christmas carol or two known by both sides…and for a moment experience what is really be at peace with each other.

What is the connection with your marriage to a passive aggressive person? A lot! We have been here examining the thousand ways you can identify what your marriage problem is; decide what strategies apply to change him, or how to evaluate the future of your marriage…all the way we have been supporting the war model of relationships!

Today, I want to propose you a very different approach: we are going to stop the war with your husband…and surprise him (always so well prepared to defend himself) with a total absence of negative comments.

Yes, that is what a truce entails: this week, you will abstain from saying anything negative to your husband, at all. No snarky comments about his passivity; no explanations about how his behavior is hurting you….nothing!

Do you hear me? Nothing, zero! This is your Xmas truce, remember?

And what are you going to do instead?

You are going to give him unconditional acceptance, that is.

STEPS TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND AN APPRECIATION TRUCE:

Make a list of ALL positive aspects you found in him when you met him;

Each day, find a way to give him unconditional praise. Oh, you don’t remember how to do it? Let me remind you of how it is done, OK?

This is the model: You find the positive aspect, and link that positive behavior, however small it is, with its positive impact on you.

You use sentences like: “I appreciate the way you take care of always having gas in the car, because it makes me feel secure driving”

The TRUCE will last from here to January 1st, 2011. If you find yourself relapsing into criticism again, give him TWO appreciative phrases a day.

So now, you are asking yourself: what’s the point of this crazy idea?

My dear, we live in desperate times….and you can’t be unhappier with him than now. Why not to try a desperate solution? Treating him well will cause a relapse of his defenses, a new attitude on him and perhaps, you can turn your marriage around….Not bad for a simple attitude change, right?

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Confronting a Passive Aggressive Partner

December 17, 2010 By

When presented with passive aggressive behavior from your partner, your first instinct might be to confront them, to lay it all out on the table.

This is a tricky business; if the situation is handled improperly, your partner will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment, or simply walk away, leaving you empty-handed and alone.

Despite these risks and pitfalls, there are some very good reasons for why you should learn about, and strive for, healthy confrontation.

Reason one:  If done correctly, you may be able to help this person gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Show them how their behavior has affected the home, the living conditions, anything. This is hard to do the first time, but it can be done, and can create improvements over time.

Reason two:  Even if you can’t give them insight as soon as you’d like, healthy confrontation will at least give you the opportunity to talk to your partner. It is important in all relationships – not just passive aggressive ones – that there be opportunities to communicate in a frank, open way about the other person’s behavior and how it affects you.

Although it’s never healthy to rant on to someone about their faults, it is important that you get things off your chest and say something you feel needs to come out. So, you will have a better self-esteem when you learn how to do a constructive confrontation!

Below are some healthy ways you might approach your passive aggressive confrontation:

  • Make your feelings, not his/her bad behaviors, the subject of the conversation (the “I” instead of “you” method).
  • Don’t attack his/her character.
  • Make sure you have privacy; don’t confront in front of other people;
  • Confront him/her about one behavior at a time, don’t bring up everything at once.
  • If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity; say” OK, then we can talk about it later…”
  • Have a time limit; confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.
  • If he/she tries to turn the tables on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings. Take a break from the conversation, if necessary.
  • Be sure he/she understands that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better, so…
  • Be proud of your desire to improve communication in your home.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today; get the ebook: “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , ,

How to Stop the Feeling of “Walking on Eggshells”?

August 8, 2010 By

When I feel like “I’m Walking on Eggshells,” the dream I’m yearning for is… confidence.

An overwhelming 92% of the responses expressed dreams consistent with the following wishes:

1. “I wish that he loved to hear what I had to say and that it was as important to him as it was to me. I would like to feel that all topics are open between us, and that if disagreements arose we could resolve them calmly, and head straight to the solution. If only he would stop ignoring or avoiding things by weaving a complicated, confusing web around the issue. When this happens, it creates one more conflict that will not be dealt with.”

2. “I have been married to a PA man for 46 years. Don’t gasp! After years of guilt, I finally found an explanation and came to terms with what I had been living with. I have learned to detach emotionally and physically and moved away from husband, which seems to have improved our relationship. Not many people realize how lonely it is being the wife of a PA husband, even though he’s such a “nice guy! My dreams of having a husband who loves, cherishes and protects me, never came about. I am realistic enough to love myself, and now I make the most of the positive things in my life. It is living one day at a time.”

3. I want to be freed from that feeling of, “What’s wrong with him now?” I want him to share with me what his needs, desires, and ideas are. He won’t (or can’t), and I can’t do it for him. Only he can.

4. In my heart and soul, I truly desire that we freely share all the possibilities of life, together. I know that I’m a wonderful person, but sometimes you need that encouragement, that validation, and that respect to come from your partner instead.

In what other ways would you know he is emotionally available?

· “I can be open, honest, and natural with my partner, and I know he will not think less of me if he knows who I really am.”

· “He acknowledges and listens attentively to my feelings and ideas.”

· “He lets me know that my feelings are just as important as his.”

· “I know I won’t be punished for bringing up certain things.”

· “I can be myself in my own home and can truly speak my mind, and so can he.”

· “There is such freedom of ideas between us that I feel like I am flying.”

· “We connect and care for each other on such a deep level that we can say what needs to said, and there is never any fear of retaliation, derision, or feeling foolish.”

I simply need to be myself.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be yourself, to accept and value yourself and do away with all the hidden negativity and criticism of the “walking on eggshells” behavior…how are you going to allow yourself to be the unique and valuable person you are? How are you going to detach from his critiques and appreciate who you are, first and only?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today: Get your own copy of the passive aggressive husband ebook now! .

Filed Under: passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How do you dream to have your emotional needs satisfied?

July 30, 2010 By

Days ago, we invited you to answer a survey about your dreams of happiness in a relationship. There were several questions, of which this is the first. We will publish the others shortly. Here are your  answers, expressing a deeply felt dream in this way:

When “My Emotional Needs are Ignored,” the dream I’m yearning for is…being cherished as his partner.


  1. “My dream is that he would show a willingness to address my emotional needs. He does not recognize and address my needs, even though I do so for him, and this creates a lonely feeling of dissatisfaction. Ideally, he would WANT to do this instead of denying that he may be causing my lack of fulfillment.”

 

  1. “I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who cares enough to listen when I need something and try to help. I’m not asking for someone perfect who will give me riches and rose petals on the bed… just someone who loves me enough to make me feel loved. With my PA husband, I feel that he gives me the exact opposite of the things I need: loneliness, lack of affection, and punishment for wanting more.”

 

  1. “My emotional needs should be important to my partner, even if he does not understand why. If I communicate my needs, I expect him to try to meet them, not undermine how I feel. He may say “They matter, you matter,” but that shouldn’t be said, it should be proven. Is it too much to ask that he try to make me happy?”

 

IN WHAT OTHER WAYS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS ARE SATISFIED?

  • “He feels good when satisfying my emotional needs!”
  • “He notices that I’m upset and wants to discuss it or proposes an agreement on how we can both be satisfied.”
  • “He can listen to my needs description without hostility, and with keen interest.”
  • “He makes me feel heard, loved, cared for, by kissing and hugging me.”
  • “I hear him saying, “I’m sorry,” “I’m gonna try my best,” “I love you”…”
  • “He cares about my emotional happiness and is eager that we both be fullfilled in our marriage.”
  • “I makes me feel like I matter; that my thoughts, ideas, and feelings are respected and valued rather than ignored, minimized, or rejected.”
  • “My emotions are okay with him and don’t change his perception of me.”
  • “He never issues emotional threats that devalue me.”
  • “I simply need to be loved, validated and respected.”
  • “He makes me feel my emotional needs are as important as his or anyone else’s. Every human being needs these things to feel a connection to the good in the world.”

WELL, this is a lot of food for thought, right? as always, you can chip in any time, with your comments or letters…Now, wait for the next one!

 

 

 

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Real passive aggressive husband stories!

June 21, 2010 By

We have this exciting partnership with this blog: PAdontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com

and some days ago I sent to Ladybeams, its owner, a 10 questions survey to answer. She posted the questions in her own site, and the answers are coming, strong and clear.

There is a lot that you can learn going through other women’s experiences, right? I want to invite you by posting here one of the completed answers, totally anonymous, of course. I will publish the others in short notice…

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND STORY NUMBER 1:

1) How long did it take for you to realize his/her idea of sharing a marriage was different than yours? that he/she was on another wavelength? What was your “aha” moment?

It took me a LOOOONG time (14 years) to fully comprehend that this was the way things were going to STAY. We had a baby together 9 years into our relationship; that was my ‘aha’ moment; co-parenting with a passive aggressive brings a whole new set of circumstances into play.

What or how did you feel about that?

I’m embarrassed about it. There were so many, many, many things that I should have paid attention to- but I was to busy RESCUING HIM and HELPING HIM and BEING THERE FOR HIM. Bleck. I take my accountability for it – I stayed too long, allowed too much, hoped for some sort of change and payoff for WAY TOO LONG.

2) Why do you think this man/woman is in your life? Do you think it was “an act of God” or something in him/her triggered something in you? Can you link a trait in you or in him/her that attracted you strongly enough to marry him/her?

I am guilty of ‘career spillover’. I work in a career of helping people. I spend my whole workday on the mindset of ‘help this kid get this done and help this kid make this change’. I thought it was great that my PA guy and I had this relationship where I was ‘helping’ him. Helping him, cheering him on, supporting him… what attracted me to him was what ‘could be’ not what actually ‘was’. I say now he is like a giant slot machine or a junk bond; you never truly get back what you put in but you spend a lot of ‘hope coins’ on it.

3) How did you deal with the mismatch between your ideal marriage and what you got? was there a learning process?

I learned, and I evolved. I got divorced and I attended therapy to unravel from the marriage relationship. We have a kid so I had to change my interactions with him to work toward holding him accountable for his co-parenting responsibilities. I’ve learned A TON.

4) What would you say is the worst aspect of being involved with a passive aggressive partner/spouse is? (anger, loneliness, ?) When do you feel it the most?

I was very, very angry for a few years because it really sucks to invest all that into a person (relationship) and have it iliterally ignored and dismissed, but this last year has been like a brand new life – really what it feels like is that I’m finally back to the ‘me’ that I was prior to him; grounded, independent and stable. I can say this (shout it actually) I’m LESS LONELY alone than I was married to a PA. In a marriage, you EXPECT intimacy, etc. so when it’s absent you feel so very ‘cheated’ of it. The hardest part now is knowing that I’ll never get to experience co-parenting with someone who isn’t playing emotional dodgeball. Tackling every issue regarding parenting is like negotiating with a sullen teenager.

5) Of all the strategies you’ve tried to change their passive aggressive behavior or your situation, which was the most useful? What was the silliest?

Best strategy EVER – disengage emotionally and deal with each issue with facts, expectations that are measurable, and document, document, document. I now do most of my communication with him either through non-emotional email (i.e. ‘I paid this amount of money for this item for our kid; you have paid this amount of money for that item. OR ‘You stated this … and the follow through is ….) or I communicate with him in front of a third party; counselor or judge. Sticking to the facts, disengaging emotionally, and stating the good things when they happen has been productive.

6) If you’re planning on staying with this passive aggressive partner/spouse, how do you see your own personal development in the future?

I didn’t stay married to him, but have remained in a co-parenting relationship with him. I’ve come a LONG way baby and I anticipate that my future is full of more of the same direct, nonemotional, documented interactions.

7) Do you think you have some special powers to deal with him/her, some special understanding? What “powers” or understanding would that be?

I know I’m the only one who has ever actually ‘tackled’ the PA behaviors of him; all others in his life simply give up or just circumvent him because it’s so exhausting to try and actually stand toe to toe with him on a responsibility he’s thwarted. Most just go dormant, go away, or get PA themselves! I don’t have that option; we have a child together and he has responsibilities to uphold.

8) And what about your needs? how do you feed your needs for love and connection, for recognition and for continuous personal growth?

I find them elsewhere – and it’s glorious when that finally ‘clicks’ – when you finally move on from the ‘slot machine’- there’s a giant, glorious world out there!

9) What is his/her weakest aspect, the one that endears him/her to you (and possibly makes you stay to help him/her, or makes you feel guilty about leaving).

I always say that my time with him was akin to being a frog placed in a pot of water- there’s that saying that a frog placed in water that is slowly, slowly heated up will sit there until it is boiled to death. That’s life with a PA. It happens so slowly; things get less comfortable and more harmful for the partner at a very slow pace so by the time I started to feel the ‘wait, this doesn’t feel good; this doesn’t feel BALANCED’ – I was already in scalding water but blamed myself!
A PA’s greatest ‘weapon’ is TIME. You invest all this TIME and energy and devotion and commitment into this person and this person’s happiness that you feel like you have to stay. Ultimately, you need to leave the slot machine and cut your losses; that machine ain’t never gonna pay out.

10) What about the future? How do you see old age for the two of you? What about you if he/she continues to frustrate some of your present needs now? How are you going to replace what he/she is not providing for the shared life of you two?

I have a great future ahead. Old age for me includes travel, family and enjoyment of the world. Him? Beats me. Right now the path he’s chosen includes more of the same patterns for him… someone else took over my seat at the slot machine.

AMAZING ANSWERS, RIGHT? Here we have intelligent women telling it as it it for them. Would you like to learn from them?
There is always more help to deal with passive aggressive husbands!

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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