© Lela Lee

All your life you’ve been trying to make it work. We all know that even good intentioned efforts can fail when you try to live with other people in love and harmony, and it’s natural to assume that differences will bring some frictions.

Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation. In this way, you can fight to save your love, instead of fighting in a way that hinders your love!

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other.  That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one… Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about… how does it compare? No way!

Why can’t we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn’t taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful person they want to spend their lives with us!

And then, very shortly, this admiration we managed to achieve goes missing, and sadly the only way to get our partner’s attention back on us is to have a good fight.

OK, let’s assume that you have decided that having a fight is the way to receive attention again. Remember that it has not to be destructive. Positive conflict helps you organize a respectful confrontation, following some simple rules.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know more about saving the love in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Are You Fighting to Save Your Love? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. Here, however, we want to discuss the basics of repairing a relationship and making it as healthy as it can be. This is especially important in a passive aggressive marriage – trying to keep the relationship alive and solid enough to move forward from requires being fully aware of how relationships should and must work.

To have a healthy relationship, basic human needs must be considered. You have to meet your spouse’s needs, and your spouse must meet yours. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need other humans! Of course, you must be familiar with and learn to recognize these basic needs, and then your “repair work” can be based on that need.

You can find out which of your spouse’s basic needs is being frustrated in the marriage by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently. Conversely, you can start to consider which of your needs are being frustrated by doing the same exercise.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair ideas be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate. Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” You don’t need to draw out long explanations about whether or not the plans are feasible.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said in your own words, then ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Join us for free at “Relationship Repair,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Does Your Relationship Need Repair? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Are you coming short of your dreams? Still believing that with a bit of support and learning some good communication skills you would feel more gratified in your relationships?

We have been thinking along the same line here….

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without improvement or resolution when it comes to our important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month”

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good, meaty discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. Knowing that you read this blog frequently, we are sure you would be interested in this project.

Get a good look at our new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

Relationship Repair

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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What are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. When he’s trying to use PA behavior with you, these positive things will help you focus on using your own techniques, instead of breaking down.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

You can get more tips for improving your marital happiness by talking one-on-one with our Conflict Coach.

How can you love your Passive Aggressive Husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Many researchers (whether of the brain, psychology or communication and conflict) will agree that when we communicate with others, we are attempting to connect with those people on some deeper emotional level.

This is true of a hurled insult as well as a warm hug.

That means that when you are fighting, say, over which way is best to punish your children for misbehavior, you are not just fighting to establish house rules. As hard as it may be to wrap your head around, your brain is also trying to renew some feeling of being connected – essentially, you are able to fight with each other because you are emotionally close enough to do so.

In that case, wouldn’t you say that an angry connection is better than the indifference and lack of connection between strangers? Which association would you rather have with your partner?

We know – you’re thinking to yourself, “What about the really serious fights?” Thinking about fighting as a means of connecting can help you here, as well. Usually, after a serious fight, you fall into despair about the future of the relationship, right? Everybody does. However, thinking of a serious fight as our brains searching for intimate connection can help us override that sense that “fighting equals division.” If you begin to think about fighting in this negative way, the relationship can suffer even more – each of you avoid raising issues that will cause conflict, inhibiting any possible growth.

Thus, a healthy relationship can sometimes be linked by anger as well as love – both are normal ways the brain seeks connection. It’s the way we’re designed to work and interact with one another.

In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Susan Johnson (a research expert on intimacy) states that it makes sense scientifically that couples fight over silly things. Beneath the content of what partners say to one another in fights, each wants to be assured of their value in relation to the other, essentially asking basic questions like, “Will you be there for me?”

What happens when one of the partners has learned to do passive aggression since childhood? It becomes a weapon of sabotage – by “defending” against and “avoiding” both anger and love, the passive aggressive person refuses to answer those questions his partner is asking. Given his inability to feel a deep connection with anyone, because of his childhood trauma, he can’t connect with others or feel others’ need for connection.

His partner can escalate the search for a positive response by continuing the fight, but the passive aggressive husband will retreat more and more until finally abandoning the interaction. He will say his partner is “full of anger” or “making all this drama,”  or whatever reasons he can give himself to cover up the fact that he can’t feel any compassion for her distress; he can’t offer any assurance that he is there, and that he is connected. He will do the opposite behavior: either leave, clam up or express disgust for the other person’s needs.

Sadly there is no way to nurture the abandoned partner when this passive aggression happens. Some wives call it “the wall of silence,” referring their communal sensation of knocking at a wall without any emotional response. The perception of being let down and ignored in their need for reassurance is difficult to avoid.

Because we can see fighting as the intent to make the other person pay attention to us, and to make them answer the question, “Are you connected with me?” we can also see passive aggression as making a mockery of this intent. The husband will retreat and he will never confirm that he understands the deep need for connection motivating the confrontation; he  will end up blaming the other side in her desperation as “aggressive” and “out of control.” The need of the brain to experience the security of connection will be frustrated.

Fighting is a way of making the other person pay attention to us; it is a weird form of re-connecting. If your ability to re-connect with your partner, via fighting or loving, is being thwarted by passive aggression, the very life of the relationship is being threatened. That is why, if your relationship is important and something you want to strive to keep alive, it is important that you work toward stopping passive aggression in the marriage NOW.

If you are not clear where this healing of the relationship would start, we have many resources for you to begin with:

• A Passive Aggressive System specifically designed for the passive aggressive husband himself.
• A coaching session with Coach Nora to assess your options.
• “Recovering From Passive Aggression,” and “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband,” two books specifically for women married to passive aggressive men.
• A Passive Aggressive Test for men to determine if they are using passive aggression in their interactions.

Don’t wait a minute longer for things to “just get better.” All relationships require effort, both on your side and his. That is why we often suggest that you take advantage of both the resources for you, and the resources for your husband.

Passive Aggression Means We Can’t Fight to Connect is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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In a relationship, because we see our partner as someone we “choose,” we expect them to give us all the attention we crave. This is contrasted to relatives who are given to us, not chosen, and who don’t always give us the support we need.

All humans are self-esteem machines – like expensive cars, we run best on steady doses of high-grade appreciation. That is the only way we can develop our true capabilities. What is more surprising in passive aggressive behaviors is that they produce unexpected effects: they dry the provision of appreciation to the other, yet still expect it in return. Husbands, is this you? Are you expecting your wife to give you the support you need, without giving her the sustenance she needs to survive and feel happy?

In a passive aggressive relationship, nothing is provided for the other person to feel valued, appreciated or even seen. This is the most maddening of the consequences of PA behavior. Even when the passive aggressive is doing this because of his defense mechanisms (doesn’t want to connect for fear of rejection; because imagines he will be rejected), he ends being the main source of rejection for his spouse. It’s as if his brain is saying, “It’s okay to do it to you, if that’s what it takes so that you don’t do it to me”!

Husbands, in order for this appreciation business to work, you need to go beyond only thinking and move on to doing something.

• You need to say the words: “I like it very much when you wear this dress, because…”

• You need to express your gratitude: “When you are there to keep the house running even when I can’t help you, I feel so supported and grateful…”

• You need to do things for the other: “Let me do this heavy task for you…”;
  “I just put gas in your car, so you don’t have to wake up earlier tomorrow”;
  “All the bills have been paid, so one thing less to worry about for you…”

So here is the formula, in case you are inclined to try the easy way to stopping your passive aggressive resistance.

Find something positive in the other person, and find a word to describe it:

• When you ______ (take the dog out, are beside me at my dad’s funeral, took care of driving when I was sick)
• I feel ________ (grateful, supported, relieved)
• Because _________ (having you in my life makes it so much better).

Once you find the formula, you always have choices about how to do it in a way that you’re comfortable with:

• You can say that in person;
• You can write a short phone message;
• You can tell her that in a phone conversation

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Some of the latest scientific findings on the brain tells us that. brain’s power of imagination to “rehearse” optimal performance defines goal, and shapes our future.

It has been known for years that you can train your body for a competition and achieve optimal performance using visualization.

Can this technique be applied to your personal relational life? Possibly YES; but to your relationship, which involves another person? If we remember that no one can change another person, then it will not do any good. But you can change how others treat you by changing your own behavior, right?

Then you can use mental power to implant a new, healthier habit in your life, stop another one that now is obsolete, and replace old passive aggressive behaviors with new ones!

It is not enough to imagine how good your life will be, when changed…you need to load your mental imagery with the step-by-step description of the new behavior. Let’s say that you want to stop withdrawing in silence when something in your spouse’s behavior upsets you. Usually your attitude is to turn your back around and sulk in silence for hours, or days.

Why would you like to change this behavior into another?

Well, if you are really in the brink of divorce, or having a heavy load of unhappiness in your marriage, what is there to fear? Having the skills of confronting his/her and getting to a solution for the dispute will only bring peace and satisfaction to both!

If this sounds as something doable to you, here are a few suggestions to get started.

• Set aside at least 5 minutes once each day to visualize, in a relaxed state, your desired behavior in detail, as if it already exists.
• When limiting thoughts and negative emotions surface at any time, breathe into them and let them go — and smile confidently.
• As you “watch,” envision the vibrant colors, hear the sounds, feel the emotions and sensations in your body, even smell and taste.
• This is your “mind movie” and you get to live it in these moments as if you are there, completely and fully present in body and mind and emotion.
• You see yourself looking at your spouse, asking for some time to talk, asking questions, proposing a solution, getting the problem solved, and feeling the overall relief.
• The key is to make sure this elicits pleasurable feelings of joy, happiness—gratitude—inside you as you do. Smile. Feel grateful for being in this marriage and able to talk calmly with this person.

Think of this time as a fun and delightful retreat, a transformational exercise you look forward to jumping into to rehearse the life and relationships that you are consciously taking action to create in your life – speedily coming your way.

When you feel pleasure “rehearsing” your future in the present moment, what you are doing is telling your subconscious mind—the part of the mind that runs the entire body—that this is the reality you desire. And life begins to follow this lead, because here is the pleasure of life!

Just believe it, feel it, and be open to prompts for what actions to take toward the goal of changing your former passive aggressive behaviors, small or big. A few moments each day will add power to your dream.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Everybody wants to have a happy Valentine’s Day with their loved one, and yet if you have marital problems, this seemingly simple aspiration seems to become a vast challenge, even a test. How could you have a good Valentine’s Day if your husband is often sulking and has a tendency to forget making plans or get you a present for this particular day? You might even be ready for disappointment thinking that he will forget the day!

You can still enjoy the day, and I don’t mean that you should go and get a massage for yourself and then have some lonely chocolate (although that would be a nice and well-deserved treat). You can use this opportunity to be the one romancing your husband, and giving him a pleasant surprise, for men often complain about how they are the ones supposed to do all the work around this occasion.

You can prepare his favorite meal or invite him to a restaurant. Make it a date and do not pressure him into being in charge. Tell him how nice and sharp he looks; remind him of the things you love about him and of one or two things he has done recently that you appreciate.

You should be honest and affectionate with your comments, so that he feels recognized and appreciated. For the sake of the holiday and of the reasons why you are doing this (because you love your husband, because you want to have a good day, etc.) avoid criticizing him. Keep in mind that if you criticize him, he’ll feel attacked and will be likely to start deflecting blame via clamming up… do not let this happen because then you could start to get upset and if your temper gets the best of you, then an argument will ensue and two things will happen: one, that your husband will have “further proof” that you easily lose control and that it is you who is abusive, and two, that you will end up with exactly the bad memory of a Valentine’s day that you were seeking to avoid.

Remember that passive-aggressive people are not the most willing to apologize for their mistakes, so avoid this conundrum.

It might seem like a lot to ask, but you could actually benefit from giving him a little something. Yes, a present. It does not have to be the newest, most expensive set of tools out in the market, but something simple and well thought-out. Here you are tapping into his desire to be recognized and the surprise value that it would have.

Now, here is the most challenging part of this proposal… after all the work that organizing a date can represent, and particularly if you have difficulties with managing confrontations… you should not expect anything in exchange for the date. Detach yourself from any expectation.

I can hear you groaning….Why this part of the recommendation is here? Don’t you deserve some appreciation also? Because in this way you are freeing him to be himself, not forced by a compulsory tit for tat behavior…So you are giving him a chance to relax and let his guard down, perhaps even talk to you more openly. Wouldn’t that be a better Valentine’s gift than a bunch of soon-to-wither flowers?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me.

Having A Passive Aggressive Valentine? Go Figure! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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DO you remember the old stories in medieval times, when warring armies would stop the ongoing war and have a peace interval to honor Christmas?

The truce story is part of all narratives of combat: the moment when soldiers did stop attacking each other and then saw the enemy’s personal aspects…Soldiers would share a bit of goodies, show pictures of their loved ones to each other; sing a Christmas carol or two known by both sides…and for a moment experience what is really be at peace with each other.

What is the connection with your marriage to a passive aggressive person? A lot! We have been here examining the thousand ways you can identify what your marriage problem is; decide what strategies apply to change him, or how to evaluate the future of your marriage…all the way we have been supporting the war model of relationships!

Today, I want to propose you a very different approach: we are going to stop the war with your husband…and surprise him (always so well prepared to defend himself) with a total absence of negative comments.

Yes, that is what a truce entails: this week, you will abstain from saying anything negative to your husband, at all. No snarky comments about his passivity; no explanations about how his behavior is hurting you….nothing!

Do you hear me? Nothing, zero! This is your Xmas truce, remember?

And what are you going to do instead?

You are going to give him unconditional acceptance, that is.

STEPS TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND AN APPRECIATION TRUCE:

Make a list of ALL positive aspects you found in him when you met him;

Each day, find a way to give him unconditional praise. Oh, you don’t remember how to do it? Let me remind you of how it is done, OK?

This is the model: You find the positive aspect, and link that positive behavior, however small it is, with its positive impact on you.

You use sentences like: “I appreciate the way you take care of always having gas in the car, because it makes me feel secure driving”

The TRUCE will last from here to January 1^st, 2011. If you find yourself relapsing into criticism again, give him TWO appreciative phrases a day.

So now, you are asking yourself: what’s the point of this crazy idea?

My dear, we live in desperate times….and you can’t be unhappier with him than now. Why not to try a desperate solution? Treating him well will cause a relapse of his defenses, a new attitude on him and perhaps, you can turn your marriage around….Not bad for a simple attitude change, right?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

A Xmas Truce in a Passive Aggressive Marriage? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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This is a tricky business; if the situation is handled improperly, your partner will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment, or simply walk away, leaving you empty-handed and alone.

Despite these risks and pitfalls, there are some very good reasons for why you should learn about, and strive for, healthy confrontation.

Reason one:  If done correctly, you may be able to help this person gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Show them how their behavior has affected the home, the living conditions, anything. This is hard to do the first time, but it can be done, and can create improvements over time.

Reason two:  Even if you can’t give them insight as soon as you’d like, healthy confrontation will at least give you the opportunity to talk to your partner. It is important in all relationships – not just passive aggressive ones – that there be opportunities to communicate in a frank, open way about the other person’s behavior and how it affects you.

Although it’s never healthy to rant on to someone about their faults, it is important that you get things off your chest and say something you feel needs to come out. So, you will have a better self-esteem when you learn how to do a constructive confrontation!

Below are some healthy ways you might approach your passive aggressive confrontation:

• Make your feelings, not his/her bad behaviors, the subject of the conversation (the “I” instead of “you” method).
• Don’t attack his/her character.
• Make sure you have privacy; don’t confront in front of other people;
• Confront him/her about one behavior at a time, don’t bring up everything at once.
• If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity; say” OK, then we can talk about it later…”
• Have a time limit; confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.
• If he/she tries to turn the tables on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings. Take a break from the conversation, if necessary.
• Be sure he/she understands that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better, so…
• Be proud of your desire to improve communication in your home.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today; get the ebook: “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” today.

Confronting a Passive Aggressive Partner is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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