An overwhelming 92% of the responses expressed dreams consistent with the following wishes:

1. “I wish that he loved to hear what I had to say and that it was as important to him as it was to me. I would like to feel that all topics are open between us, and that if disagreements arose we could resolve them calmly, and head straight to the solution. If only he would stop ignoring or avoiding things by weaving a complicated, confusing web around the issue. When this happens, it creates one more conflict that will not be dealt with.”

2. “I have been married to a PA man for 46 years. Don’t gasp! After years of guilt, I finally found an explanation and came to terms with what I had been living with. I have learned to detach emotionally and physically and moved away from husband, which seems to have improved our relationship. Not many people realize how lonely it is being the wife of a PA husband, even though he’s such a “nice guy! My dreams of having a husband who loves, cherishes and protects me, never came about. I am realistic enough to love myself, and now I make the most of the positive things in my life. It is living one day at a time.”

3. I want to be freed from that feeling of, “What’s wrong with him now?” I want him to share with me what his needs, desires, and ideas are. He won’t (or can’t), and I can’t do it for him. Only he can.

4. In my heart and soul, I truly desire that we freely share all the possibilities of life, together. I know that I’m a wonderful person, but sometimes you need that encouragement, that validation, and that respect to come from your partner instead.

In what other ways would you know he is emotionally available?

· “I can be open, honest, and natural with my partner, and I know he will not think less of me if he knows who I really am.”

· “He acknowledges and listens attentively to my feelings and ideas.”

· “He lets me know that my feelings are just as important as his.”

· “I know I won’t be punished for bringing up certain things.”

· “I can be myself in my own home and can truly speak my mind, and so can he.”

· “There is such freedom of ideas between us that I feel like I am flying.”

· “We connect and care for each other on such a deep level that we can say what needs to said, and there is never any fear of retaliation, derision, or feeling foolish.”

I simply need to be myself.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be yourself, to accept and value yourself and do away with all the hidden negativity and criticism of the “walking on eggshells” behavior…how are you going to allow yourself to be the unique and valuable person you are? How are you going to detach from his critiques and appreciate who you are, first and only?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today: Get your own copy of the passive aggressive husband ebook now! .

How to Stop the Feeling of “Walking on Eggshells”? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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When “My Emotional Needs are Ignored,” the dream I’m yearning for is…being cherished as his partner.

1. “My dream is that he would show a willingness to address my emotional needs. He does not recognize and address my needs, even though I do so for him, and this creates a lonely feeling of dissatisfaction. Ideally, he would WANT to do this instead of denying that he may be causing my lack of fulfillment.”

1. “I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who cares enough to listen when I need something and try to help. I’m not asking for someone perfect who will give me riches and rose petals on the bed… just someone who loves me enough to make me feel loved. With my PA husband, I feel that he gives me the exact opposite of the things I need: loneliness, lack of affection, and punishment for wanting more.”

1. “My emotional needs should be important to my partner, even if he does not understand why. If I communicate my needs, I expect him to try to meet them, not undermine how I feel. He may say “They matter, you matter,” but that shouldn’t be said, it should be proven. Is it too much to ask that he try to make me happy?”

IN WHAT OTHER WAYS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS ARE SATISFIED?

• “He feels good when satisfying my emotional needs!”
• “He notices that I’m upset and wants to discuss it or proposes an agreement on how we can both be satisfied.”
• “He can listen to my needs description without hostility, and with keen interest.”
• “He makes me feel heard, loved, cared for, by kissing and hugging me.”
• “I hear him saying, “I’m sorry,” “I’m gonna try my best,” “I love you”…”
• “He cares about my emotional happiness and is eager that we both be fullfilled in our marriage.”
• “I makes me feel like I matter; that my thoughts, ideas, and feelings are respected and valued rather than ignored, minimized, or rejected.”
• “My emotions are okay with him and don’t change his perception of me.”
• “He never issues emotional threats that devalue me.”
• “I simply need to be loved, validated and respected.”
• “He makes me feel my emotional needs are as important as his or anyone else’s. Every human being needs these things to feel a connection to the good in the world.”

WELL, this is a lot of food for thought, right? as always, you can chip in any time, with your comments or letters…Now, wait for the next one!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

How do you dream to have your emotional needs satisfied? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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and some days ago I sent to Ladybeams, its owner, a 10 questions survey to answer. She posted the questions in her own site, and the answers are coming, strong and clear.

There is a lot that you can learn going through other women’s experiences, right? I want to invite you by posting here one of the completed answers, totally anonymous, of course. I will publish the others in short notice…

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND STORY NUMBER 1:

1) How long did it take for you to realize his/her idea of sharing a marriage was different than yours? that he/she was on another wavelength? What was your “aha” moment?

It took me a LOOOONG time (14 years) to fully comprehend that this was the way things were going to STAY. We had a baby together 9 years into our relationship; that was my ‘aha’ moment; co-parenting with a passive aggressive brings a whole new set of circumstances into play.

What or how did you feel about that?

I’m embarrassed about it. There were so many, many, many things that I should have paid attention to- but I was to busy RESCUING HIM and HELPING HIM and BEING THERE FOR HIM. Bleck. I take my accountability for it – I stayed too long, allowed too much, hoped for some sort of change and payoff for WAY TOO LONG.

2) Why do you think this man/woman is in your life? Do you think it was “an act of God” or something in him/her triggered something in you? Can you link a trait in you or in him/her that attracted you strongly enough to marry him/her?

I am guilty of ‘career spillover’. I work in a career of helping people. I spend my whole workday on the mindset of ‘help this kid get this done and help this kid make this change’. I thought it was great that my PA guy and I had this relationship where I was ‘helping’ him. Helping him, cheering him on, supporting him… what attracted me to him was what ‘could be’ not what actually ‘was’. I say now he is like a giant slot machine or a junk bond; you never truly get back what you put in but you spend a lot of ‘hope coins’ on it.

3) How did you deal with the mismatch between your ideal marriage and what you got? was there a learning process?

I learned, and I evolved. I got divorced and I attended therapy to unravel from the marriage relationship. We have a kid so I had to change my interactions with him to work toward holding him accountable for his co-parenting responsibilities. I’ve learned A TON.

4) What would you say is the worst aspect of being involved with a passive aggressive partner/spouse is? (anger, loneliness, ?) When do you feel it the most?

I was very, very angry for a few years because it really sucks to invest all that into a person (relationship) and have it iliterally ignored and dismissed, but this last year has been like a brand new life – really what it feels like is that I’m finally back to the ‘me’ that I was prior to him; grounded, independent and stable. I can say this (shout it actually) I’m LESS LONELY alone than I was married to a PA. In a marriage, you EXPECT intimacy, etc. so when it’s absent you feel so very ‘cheated’ of it. The hardest part now is knowing that I’ll never get to experience co-parenting with someone who isn’t playing emotional dodgeball. Tackling every issue regarding parenting is like negotiating with a sullen teenager.

5) Of all the strategies you’ve tried to change their passive aggressive behavior or your situation, which was the most useful? What was the silliest?

Best strategy EVER – disengage emotionally and deal with each issue with facts, expectations that are measurable, and document, document, document. I now do most of my communication with him either through non-emotional email (i.e. ‘I paid this amount of money for this item for our kid; you have paid this amount of money for that item. OR ‘You stated this … and the follow through is ….) or I communicate with him in front of a third party; counselor or judge. Sticking to the facts, disengaging emotionally, and stating the good things when they happen has been productive.

6) If you’re planning on staying with this passive aggressive partner/spouse, how do you see your own personal development in the future?

I didn’t stay married to him, but have remained in a co-parenting relationship with him. I’ve come a LONG way baby and I anticipate that my future is full of more of the same direct, nonemotional, documented interactions.

7) Do you think you have some special powers to deal with him/her, some special understanding? What “powers” or understanding would that be?

I know I’m the only one who has ever actually ‘tackled’ the PA behaviors of him; all others in his life simply give up or just circumvent him because it’s so exhausting to try and actually stand toe to toe with him on a responsibility he’s thwarted. Most just go dormant, go away, or get PA themselves! I don’t have that option; we have a child together and he has responsibilities to uphold.

And what about your needs? how do you feed your needs for love and connection, for recognition and for continuous personal growth?

I find them elsewhere – and it’s glorious when that finally ‘clicks’ – when you finally move on from the ‘slot machine’- there’s a giant, glorious world out there!

9) What is his/her weakest aspect, the one that endears him/her to you (and possibly makes you stay to help him/her, or makes you feel guilty about leaving).

I always say that my time with him was akin to being a frog placed in a pot of water- there’s that saying that a frog placed in water that is slowly, slowly heated up will sit there until it is boiled to death. That’s life with a PA. It happens so slowly; things get less comfortable and more harmful for the partner at a very slow pace so by the time I started to feel the ‘wait, this doesn’t feel good; this doesn’t feel BALANCED’ – I was already in scalding water but blamed myself!
A PA’s greatest ‘weapon’ is TIME. You invest all this TIME and energy and devotion and commitment into this person and this person’s happiness that you feel like you have to stay. Ultimately, you need to leave the slot machine and cut your losses; that machine ain’t never gonna pay out.

10) What about the future? How do you see old age for the two of you? What about you if he/she continues to frustrate some of your present needs now? How are you going to replace what he/she is not providing for the shared life of you two?

I have a great future ahead. Old age for me includes travel, family and enjoyment of the world. Him? Beats me. Right now the path he’s chosen includes more of the same patterns for him… someone else took over my seat at the slot machine.

AMAZING ANSWERS, RIGHT? Here we have intelligent women telling it as it it for them. Would you like to learn from them?
There is always more help to deal with passive aggressive husbands!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Real passive aggressive husband stories! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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If you decide that is impossible to be for ever watchful, and then give him your best shot at helping you (“I need the car with the full tank of gas tomorrow early, so I can go to this job interview, could you take care of it?”) only to discover that he “forgot to do it,” where that leaves you?

 Frustrated? Yes…
 Scared? Even more!

The first time you discover you can’t count on him solve a need for your very important project, a crack appears in your perception of the trust existent in your relationship. This is a sad discovery: “I can’t trust him.”

This is not easily forgotten. Every time you need to ask him for something be it trivial or important, a nagging question appears in your mind: will he do it in time? Or will I only get a silly excuse for his absence?

This is not easily denied. Now you need double guarantees, to ask and ask again about the fulfillment of the promise, about his delivery of whatever he promised. You are stuck in a no win situation, where, if he is really angry at you, he will play you at his will. You will get lots of stories, little confidence in what he says.

How can you go on? Now you have a double burden: decide if you are going to share the inevitable tasks of married life, (and having to do them anyway later) or doing them before hand and be done with them, and avoid this endless conversation about his duties. Whatever you do, it gives you the lingerig feeling that this is not the life you dreamed of.

Is there a way out? Proceed with caution, and be ready to hear outrageous accusation about being too controlling…

Here are the steps:

Ask for help: “I need you to take the car to the mechanics this week, before Friday 6:00 PM”
Confirm: “I will ask you no later than Wednesday night,”
Say what will happen: “I need you to tell me if you have a problem with this taks. If I don’t deliver my work Friday evening, we will lose the client.”
Alert him: “If you have a problem with this issue, it’s better to share it with me now, so we can make other plans”
Close the deal: “I need to know that I can trust you with this project, very important for me.”
Finally: keep in mind that you need to have also a Plan B, for if he fails to deliver at the last minute.

If things go well, you can praise him and show your happiness. If there is a non-delivery, then you go to Plan B without any warning or other conversation. Be fast, act in a sure way and don’t leave any possibility for him to imagine that his non-delivery will stop you from doing what you need to do.

After several repetitions of this dance, perhaps you can begin again saying: “Now that we both know that certain tasks need to be done regardless what we would like to do, and can’t be stopped, I would like to know if I can trust you with this new task…..”

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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TO HAVE A SECURE BUT EXCITING LOVE RELATIONSHIP!

How do you combine the two things?

Secure is boring….exciting is dangerous….so what gives?

For the rest of us, ensconced in a healthy but boring routine, we pay a high price for security. The excitement of the novelty is gone, and we learn to appreciate routine as a safety blanket, only punctured here and there by the occasional fight. We can be secure like this the rest of the year…why is this invention of a Valentine’s Day coming to challenge our security?

Because we do remember! Before the fights, the cold shoulders and the dissapointments, there was excitement! When you fall in love, there are certain chemical changes in your brain that make all your vital perspectives shift into high gear, where the world is brightest and we are soaring in it. You feel the love in all your cells. Your pulse quickens, and your heart beats faster, and the feeling of anticipation of good things to comer is all over you.

Every time we produce a feeling or a thought, we can be sure that it is based on a chemical track in our brain. The love excitement felt by the chemicals in the brain is highly addictive! And we all need that burst of dopamine in the brain that makes us feel alive, excited, connected and successful…

Now you wonder where all this excitement is gone…some days it looks like everything is dull and gray, and the only hightened feeling is either boredom or fear. What can you do to feel better in Valentine’s Day?

Of course, the first suggestion should be to try to change the dynamics with your spouse,  inviting him to do something different which can take both out of the dulling routine. This suggestion is only to be followed if there is a bit of reciprocal trust left.

You need to trust that your partner will not use this opportunity to damage you again. If you think that is safe, let’s talk about how you can get the Valentine feeling back.

You need to generate in your brain (and his) the dopamine-producing activity: both of you need to do something together that is completely new for both.

This new activity, being it visiting a new place, learning ballroom dancing, or joining a new group activity will provide the challenge to the brain to begin producing the results you expect.

Be sure that you are relaxed and confident that, if the attempt does not give you the results you want (re-connecting him with you) you’ll have a safe way to go back to your home.  The best disposition is not to expect too much, but just do it for the sake of Valentine’s Day! And don’t forget to bring some chocolate!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

How to enjoy Valentine’s Day! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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1. After all this time together, your biggest frustrations are:

·         Not being able to trust him to share and do things together;

·         Not feeling ever supported, accepted, admired by him

·         Not having him take the lead as a responsible partner

2. If you are alone with yourself, your biggest fears are:

·         Being abandoned when you need sharing and loving support the most;

·         Being attacked because of your needs for companionship;

·         Being ridiculed or humiliated when more vulnerable.

3. And you know very well what causes you the most anger:

·         Being the sure target of his angry (never positive) comments;

·         Receiving cold shoulders, put downs and critiques in public;

·         Being always second or last in his interests list.

Do you find yourself dreaming  this picture in your mind,  when you desperately dream of a solution to the problem you are having:

• Being in a relationship with a dedicated, loving husband tuned to your needs and wishes as you focus on his;
• Being able to share concerns, be listened to with respect and getting a shared solution with him;
• Being able to rely on him without having to nag and pursue and harass him for solving day to day living issues.
• Trusting that he will never put you down in public, either in front of your friends or relatives or strangers, and always speaking of you with admiration and love…
• Trusting that he will not make you feel inferior by ignoring or sabotaging your good ideas and projects; or  stab you in the back by killing your projects without even discussing them with you.

IF THIS IS YOU, AND YOU SHARE THIS PICTURE, THEN: 

WE WELCOME YOU AND YOUR COMMENTS, IDEAS AND SUGGESTIONS TO HELP OTHERS IDENTIFY AND FIGHT BACK PASSIVE AGGRESSION IN MARRIAGE.

Please, REGISTER HERE:

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW LIFE! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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