Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband: 5 Questions to Ponder Before Moving On

April 18, 2012 By 2 Comments

The decision to divorce anyone is a very difficult one, but it can be especially hard if you are married to a passive aggressive person.
Because one day he is acting nice to you, and seems as loving and nurturing as the day you married, and then the next day, he is making your life hell, It can make you question your decisions about divorcing your husband.

Are you interested?

We have a great article on this issue, (Yes: the “Five Questions…”  with Their Answers, too!)

Do you want to read it?

5 Questions to Ponder Before Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband

And of course, you can leave your comments, critiques and questions here!

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Raise the level of your love hormones with a hug!

March 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Today, we are learning more and more about how your state of mind and your brain/body are connected.

This definitely helps when dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, because it legitimizes the things you’re feeling. You have an effect that is clearly linked to a cause. Now, it is becoming harder and harder to sweep passive aggression under the rug as a “fad diagnosis.” Take, for example, this article posted at the Underground Health Reporter.

The article discusses a “love hormone” in our brains, called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin is produced in our brains when we experience pleasing interactions with others, making us feel happy, connected and trusting of others. So what does a lack of it look like?

“Feelings of alienation and dealing with loneliness, as well as a lack of intimate relationships, are the outward manifestations of reduced oxytocin levels – but oxytocin deficiency may also cause physical damage to the body.

Dealing with loneliness, sadness and stress increase your odds of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and cancer. In fact, a recent study published in the Public Library of Science, Medicine reports that a social person has a 50% greater survival rate than a reclusive one.”

The article then claims that you can make yourself happier by raising your levels of oxytocin – and funnily enough, a hug is even more effective at doing that than an orgasm!

However, what happens in a passive aggressive marriage? How does it all apply? Well, oxytocin levels can expected to be extremely low because you are dealing with the stress and dire loneliness of constantly being denied intimacy. The cold shoulder, a key passive aggressive behavior, is certainly something that denies you oxytocin. Not even mentioning the lack of sexual intimacy!

So, how can you apply this today? Think about how your marriage is creating stress and denying you a remedy (the remedy being loving physical contact). Looking at this article, the easiest way to cheer yourself up considerably is to seek oxytocin from others – in a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or other loving contact. You can hug your kids, your mother, your friend, or even a stranger – all will raise your levels of oxytocin!

But you can also take this from the article: people will low levels of oxytocin trust others less. If part of your husband’s passive aggression comes from his intense distrust of intimacy, couldn’t raising his oxytocin levels help him, too? Of course, we know that for some of you, hugging your passive aggressive husband is the last thing you want to do. But for those brave enough to experiment, you can try reaching out to your husband – literally!

You can read the entire article here. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of the “passive aggression rut,” you can talk to our relationship expert and conflict coach, Dr. Nora Femenia!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, Passive Aggressive Husband, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are You Fighting to Save Your Love?

February 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

© Lela Lee 

All your life you’ve been trying to make it work. We all know that even good intentioned efforts can fail when you try to live with other people in love and harmony, and it’s natural to assume that differences will bring some frictions.

Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation. In this way, you can fight to save your love, instead of fighting in a way that hinders your love!

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other.  That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one… Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about… how does it compare? No way!

Why can’t we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn’t taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful person they want to spend their lives with us!

And then, very shortly, this admiration we managed to achieve goes missing, and sadly the only way to get our partner’s attention back on us is to have a good fight.

OK, let’s assume that you have decided that having a fight is the way to receive attention again. Remember that it has not to be destructive. Positive conflict helps you organize a respectful confrontation, following some simple rules.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know more about saving the love in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, passive aggressive marriage, Relationship Repair, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Does Your Relationship Need Repair?

December 5, 2011 By
Confrontations don’t just magically stop happening!
To handle conflict correctly and learn from past mistakes, partners need a protocol to manage life’s inevitable confrontations and they need to know how to do relationship repair.
We don’t often think past getting into a relationship – but taking care of a relationship is just as important!

Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. Here, however, we want to discuss the basics of repairing a relationship and making it as healthy as it can be. This is especially important in a passive aggressive marriage – trying to keep the relationship alive and solid enough to move forward from requires being fully aware of how relationships should and must work.

To have a healthy relationship, basic human needs must be considered. You have to meet your spouse’s needs, and your spouse must meet yours. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need other humans! Of course, you must be familiar with and learn to recognize these basic needs, and then your “repair work” can be based on that need.

You can find out which of your spouse’s basic needs is being frustrated in the marriage by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently. Conversely, you can start to consider which of your needs are being frustrated by doing the same exercise.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair ideas be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate. Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” You don’t need to draw out long explanations about whether or not the plans are feasible.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said in your own words, then ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Join us for free at “Relationship Repair,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Filed Under: assertiveness, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Planning to Repair your Relationships?

December 2, 2011 By

This blog is a long term journey, thinking about how to promote happy, healthy relationships, that we walk through each day. And, -of course- there is crisis time! Yes, the holidays are approaching and we are confronted with the need to evaluate where we are now, and what do we want for the next year….

Are you coming short of your dreams? Still believing that with a bit of support and learning some good communication skills you would feel more gratified in your relationships?

We have been thinking along the same line here….

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without improvement or resolution when it comes to our important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month”

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good, meaty discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. Knowing that you read this blog frequently, we are sure you would be interested in this project.

Get a good look at our new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

Relationship Repair

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: assertiveness, Relationship Repair, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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