Passive Aggression and Childhood Attachment

May 10, 2011 By

Childhood early experiences leave a permanent mark in our brains; they become our stories, the basis for our identities, and later on they shape our adult relationships because of our biological wiring.

This is not a common idea because we basically tend to think of ourselves as independent, self-reliant individuals and this is a very strong social myth. We are raised and aspire to be independent, resourceful beings that solve all personal needs in an efficient way. If someone can’t do this, he has to be a weaker individual, a dependent or needy one….In this way we reject the concept of interdependence in a very strong way.

Surprisingly, there is a gap between theories of human development and our social ideals. Biologically we are designed as social creatures, and is a fact of our biology that as babies we need to survive by attachment to our care-givers. Without this care, we would not survive.

The process of being raised by other grown up member of the species that guarantees our survival is based and supported by the creation of a bond between bay and caretaker called attachment. And attachment is predicated upon the quality of care that our parent or care-taker gives us.

When grown ups, we can achieve more if we have the right type of attachment. The more and better connected, the more effective we are.

What kind of attachment do we get from our mothers determines what attachment style do we have later as adults.

Basically, we have three options:

  • Either our caretaker/mother can provide a Secure attachment, and then things go normal and we learn self-reliance in due time. Mother was there, patient and calm, supportive and caring. Because we want someone committed to us, is best to form a secure attachment.

Or the caretaker had her own problems reflected in the kind of care provided:

  • Mother was psychologically absent, or detached and neutral; or demanding and critical of everything; not appreciative of baby’s progress:

Then, Avoidant attachment was provided: keeps you off balance; doesn’t want to be too close; talks about independence as a value; devalues others as “needy;” and you never receive verbal assurances of being loved.

  • Mother was there, but oscillating between being loving and patient one minute and being upset, tired or exhausted the next one:

Then, Anxious attachment was provided: you could get close to your mother, but always worried about not being loved the next minute; always wanting to be close; to feel securely connected, but never completely sure of it; they wait to say “I love you” up until the other side says it…

 

Now, get a look at some characteristics of a passive aggressive person…and see the actual version of an old Avoidant attachment present now:

Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can’t trust because an avoidant attachment made him always suspicious of being rejected later. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

Can you make the connection? Can you see where from this attitude towards life is coming from? Not innate, but formed in the period of life between 0 and 5 years…and becoming “the” only way a passive aggressive person conceives relationships. He is trained to expect either an avoidant or an anxious mother…never to aspire to a secure connection, because he never knew one! This is the deep reason of all the defensive behaviors “protecting him” from the imagined perils of his present relationship. Very sad, right? to be reacting to the past loved one (mother or care-taker) and not being able to see and love the present partner!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. 

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Is Your Passive Aggressive Husband in Denial?

April 29, 2011 By

Some of the hardest tasks in healing the passive aggressive man are dealing with his various ways of denying his own behavior.

What are the ways a passive aggressive may deny his toxic behavior?

There are four main kinds to discuss here:

• Denial of Facts
• Denial of Awareness
• Denial of Responsibility
• Denial of Impact

Denial of facts: many passive aggressive people will try to rearrange or fabricate past events to suit their present situation. They may (when the two of you recount it later on) change what was said in a fight last week, so that you are now the one who comes out looking bad this time. Sometimes, a denial of facts will mean you hear this go-to response: “I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that. That never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Denial of awareness: this is the “poor me” or victim card. When confronted about their behavior, a passive aggressive may say, “Yes, I see that I did x, but it was because I care about you and want to make you happy… how come you aren’t happy with me buying a new TV for you?” In this way, he makes himself out to be the misunderstood victim, full of good intentions but with a demanding spouse like you.

Denial of responsibility: a passive aggressive person may deny he has any responsibility or obligation to watch what he says or does (much like a child). He refuses to believe seriously that there are grown up responsibilities of his role as husband and father…It’s exhausting for you to remind him over and over that he has 50% of responsibility for the marriage moral, emotional and financial upkeep.  This is also part of the power games that passive aggressive people play; denial of responsibility involves maintaining a facade of power and control while doing the less he can, so he has time and resources for his playful interests.

Denial of impact: a little similar to denial of facts, a denial of impact occurs when the passive aggressive insists that his behavior is not really harming any one. In this type of denial, it is the wife, the children, and the friends who are wrong/controlling/demanding/over-reacting. He will say that the wife is the one who is going crazy, that her depression is from some other source, (surely organic, genetic, etc)  and that perhaps she should be the one to see a therapist, not him.

Which leads us to one last point: even with these stages of denial revealed, what else is at work when a passive aggressive man denies having a serious problem and is in need of some deep changes in order to stay married? Why does he deny in the first place?

What we learn when we study passive aggressive behavior is that there is often a fear of shame involved when he thinks about admitting any kind of fault. As a child, the passive aggressive man would have been exposed to large doses of shame – either shame for his own mistakes, or seeing others shamed for theirs. The end result may have been public humiliation from peers, private abuse in the home, or other events that instilled in him a fear of making mistakes or looking “bad.”

Ultimately, it is this fear that leads the passive aggressive man to deny that he has done anything wrong. It is this fear that leads him to say, “I don’t need therapy, you do.” The best way for him to avoid admitting a mistake (and thus, feeling shame) is to not only take attention off himself, but direct it at someone else.

This is the passive aggressive’s tragic state of affairs – he is the person who most needs an affirmation of self-worth, but he is also the person who continually rids himself of the best chances of having help by persisting in behaviors so toxic as to risk losing the spouse’s love.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting the ebook “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” .

 

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How Does Passive Aggression Kill Communication?

April 22, 2011 By

How does passive aggression kill the communication and love in a relationship? Wives of passive aggressive husbands share their stories.

He has done a lot of the following behaviors to me:

  • Saying he will do something and not doing it;
  • Doing something half-assed, and then blaming me for attacking him when I confront him;
  • Never taking responsibility for things that go wrong;
  • Defiant against authority and social mores, always criticizing those who have power in church, government, at his job;
  • Gets back at people secretively – like shooting the neighbors car with a BB gun and then denying having done it;
  • Lying to save himself or avoid punishment;
  • Having an affair and saying it was caused by me not giving him affection.

When I confront him about any of this, or god forbid confront him about being passive aggressive, he says I’m “out to make him wrong” (his hidden anger, from when his family would make him the scapegoat). And that’s where the conversation stops! If we’re unable to move beyond this communication wall, our relationship is going to end, and badly.

- Madeline

 

My husband and I have a lot of communication problems because of his passive aggression. He often forgets conversations we’ve had, denies they happened, or denies any fact from them that would make him wrong. I’ve taken to writing things down, repeating them verbatim, or printing email records to prove that I’m not as crazy as he says.

I feel like I can’t talk to him even then, because he’s continually passing judgement on what I’m thinking and doing at the moment, showing me that I don’t pass his evaluations and expectations.

It’s like a constant mental game of chess – I’m always on the defensive, while he thinks the opposite. Meanwhile, we shouldn’t be competing or playing games at all! Failure to communicate honestly and openly is breaking up our relationship.

- Eden

 

His passive aggression is making our lives hell. The simple things like saying “I’ll do this,” and then actually doing it, are lost. He uses his passive aggressive communication/language as a way to make me feel demanding (when he doesn’t do things he said he would) or abusive (confronting him about how many times he’s let me down).

He is bitter and jealous of anyone else’s achievements, and either criticizes them constantly or refuses to talk to them at all. He continually gripes about not being recognized for his hard work, when he’s not really putting in any more effort than I am.

He mumbles so I can’t tell whether he’s insulting me or others, and he’s distant, even when we’re in the same room.

Help me!

- Georgia

What can you do to deal with this sad state of affairs? There are lots of resources here in this blog, as well as coaching available.

 

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, offering you a coaching session to deal with hubby’s passive aggression!.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Passive Aggression: Stop Welcoming It Home!

March 21, 2011 By

So you are wondering how you ended up getting involved with a man that you now discover to be passive aggressive… Why, if you loved and love yourself, if you had a strong self-esteem, did you wind up with a man who might claim that he loves you, but whose actions (or lack thereof!) state the contrary?

Just so that we understand each other better, let’s quickly review exactly what passive-aggression is: a behavior between couples involving resistance to do any shared projects, or one person doing exactly what he had in mind even if both might have decided that you were going to do something together. The end result when nothing happens because he “forgot” is utter frustration and loneliness for you.

So how come the men in your life seem to all have followed this pattern of behavior, where they constantly keep you wondering about their true intentions, and if they are going to keep their promises or not, and end up frustrating you in the end?

In most cases, it is actually safe to assume that a good part of the reason why women unconsciously end up dating men who are passive aggressive… is because they like it. Now, don’t scoff at this yet and keep reading. As humans, we tend to be drawn to things that are familiar, and therefore make us feel “safe” whether we realize it or not. Same as with things, we unconsciously look for behaviors that we “know” and towards which we already have the mechanics to react to; so we –although it might drive us crazy- are attracted towards those who exhibit them.

So, how come women like this “safe” and “familiar” behavior to the point that they end up actually looking for partners who exhibit it? Well, if this is your case, chances are that you come from a family where one or both parents controlled the relationship via passive aggression, and this got you used to interacting with the behavior since childhood. You probably felt helpless being caught up in this family dynamic because much like in your present, back then, one person was getting their own way by silently maneuvering around the other person whilst the recipient was no doubt pissed off and frustrated at their behavior and the results of it. You probably tried to help but were likely powerless, so in adulthood, it’s almost like righting the wrongs of your past by trying to be successful in surpassing this behavior. So you are possibly looking for a passive aggressive person to tame into a good husband.

Trouble is that by repeating the same interaction from your past, you are sure to be frustrated like your mother/father was because getting the same results, year after year, and once again, the more you push, the more the other person resists the pushing and withdraws into cold shoulder and other PA behaviors.

How did you entered into this cycle? Probably because you wanted to help him because by him looking helpless or feigning helplessness about his problems, he invited the “helper” in you to appear and intervene in his behalf.

It’s not clear that he has invited you to “reform” him; probably not, and his game consists on inviting people to help him only to withdraw and frustrate the helper’s intentions. You can consider this avoidance response and refusal to change as an attack on you… But because you’re so used to this type of interaction, you need his PA behavior to define your personal identity as being useful, thus you’ll get caught up in trying to manage him and manage yourself around his behaviors.

Now, his apparent ‘neediness’ will draw you into these situations, and then, as has become the norm, your own needs won’t be met, you will feel frustrated and follow one of two possible courses of action: either you’ll silently simmer and hope for things to change, or you will try to verbalize your anger in a way that will scare him and force him to promise to take action so that you get what you want… he will agree to it, only to have the opportunity to disappoint you again!

So what can you do?

It is difficult to change a situation that has remained the same through all of your life, yet it is not impossible. Before you can come to terms with the relationship you currently have, it would be ideal for you to come to terms with the reason for it: the type of interaction you had (or still have with) your parent (who is the likeliest source of passive aggressive behavior in your life).

You might feel the need to talk to a coach, a good friend, or a spiritual adviser to admit the reality of the situation and gather the strength to confront it. Only once you have solved the issues stemming from your past and to which you are unconsciously holding on to, will you be able to successfully take on your present challenges.

 

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Get your conflict coach session now!
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His Silence Can Hurt Your Marriage!

February 28, 2011 By

When you have a fight with your spouse, you can use different strategies to get your point across. You can yell, you can calmly explain your point of view, or if you are feeling misunderstood, offended or upset you can withdraw into stony silence.

If we look at long term impact of these different communication strategies, we can see that they have different consequences. We can yell and apologize later, which eases the situation into normal dialogue; we can yell and continue using names and aggressive four letter words on our spouse. Is it effective venting? you bet! is it conducive to marital happiness. NO… you come across as impulsive, aggressive without self-control and it makes the other person fearful of raising important issues and cower in his/her own hole. In the end, it destroys trust and communication is reduced to a minimum.

You can explain your point of view in a calm view. If the other side is upset, perhaps she can see you as cold and detached; and perhaps the crying can escalate up to the point where you show some feelings and console her. From here on, we are back into normal communication. You still have the satisfaction of being able to share your ideas in a way that is not threatening or insulting or damaging the relationship.

What happens when you withdraw from interchanges with your spouse? you are trying to send a message of being offended and/or hurt, and it can come across as such in the beginning. However, a long term withdrawal signals a complete emotional detachment and confirms that there is no life in the marital bond….there is a very high price to pay because it is known that high rates of divorce are attributed to one spouse’s withdrawal from daily communications.

Is there a gender difference in the use of this strategies?

Over the course of marriage, women may be more likely to recognize that withdrawing from conflict or using destructive strategies is neither effective nor beneficial to the overall well-being and stability of their marriages.

They tend more and more to extend an olive branch and start any kind of verbal negotiation, only to keep the conversation going. In short, they usually learn that withdrawal doesn’t work.

Husbands tend to use this tactic in the same proportion through the years, and doing so send the message that they do not care about reconnecting verbally with their spouses, so deepening the chasm between them in a non-recoverable way.

What are they trying to protect with the silence? their privacy? their hurt self-esteem? Whatever the reason, this is a sure way to destroy any bridges of understanding and mutual support… it converts the marriage in a silent partnership which makes no one happy.

Would you like to have more information? Go to the scientific publication!

 

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Now you can even get in touch with a complimentary coaching session! So, what are you waiting for?
Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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