It is a pattern learned from the interaction with the mother or caretaker, who taught him in his first year of life either that he should not depend on her (and thus you should not depend on him) or instilled in him a fear of rejection or ambiguous security (thus, he will not open up to you or doing anything to make himself look bad).

What are the three most common attachment styles?

• Secure: Secure attachment is a healthy attachment. It is confidence and security in both the permanence of the relationship, and the honesty of the significant other. Secure attachment people tend to trust that their partners love them and find them attractive. This was learned from a secure mother, who was there for the child when it needed her, and provided love and attention on a continual (rather than spotty or random) basis.
• Anxious: Anxious attachment deals with fear of rejection and relationship stability. An anxious attachment pattern in a mother is one where she alternately smothered and ignored the child, bouncing between thinking she didn’t love it enough and thinking she loved it too much. This undependable and erratic behavior translates to the adult relationship, making the terrain of any relationship unreliable and fickle for the child.
• Avoidant: Avoidant attachment deals with a lack of desire to depend on others, as well as an abhorrence of opening up or being vulnerable. This is learned in childhood when a mother is avoidant – she will deny the child attention, avoiding giving him what he needs if he asks for it. A caregiver figure may not have been emotionally present at all. Often, avoidant partners will call their significant others “needy” and “overemotional.”

Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often appear together and reinforcing each other in a passive aggressive person. At his core, his inner child still worries about rejection from others, especially you as his wife (anxious attachment). To isolate himself from this inner child’s fear and resentment, the passive aggressive man uses avoidant attachment to prevent you (and perhaps himself) from seeing the scared, anxious child inside.

Often, what we learn is that your own attachment style can affect how your passive aggressive husband’s style manifests. Your own style can determine whether or not he reacts anxiously or avoidantly – for example, if you are anxious or insecure yourself, he may be more avoidant. If you are avoidant, he may be more anxious, his actions driven largely out of fear of/perceived rejection by you. If you have a secure attachment, and know what happens with him, perhaps living with you and acting as a secure, supportive spouse will help transform his primal attachment style into one more mature.

How are attachment patterns influencing the outcome of your passive aggressive marriage? If you have learned a little more about both of you by reading this post, but are unsure how you can apply that knowledge, we have many resources for you.

The best place to start would be a free consultation with our conflict coach. Coach Nora can guide you through the process by which you can learn to reach a compromise between your attachment styles, and even learn to rewire old patterns into new, secure ones!

Passive Aggressive Attachment is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Just so that we understand each other better, let’s quickly review exactly what passive-aggression is: a behavior between couples involving resistance to do any shared projects, or one person doing exactly what he had in mind even if both might have decided that you were going to do something together. The end result when nothing happens because he “forgot” is utter frustration and loneliness for you.

So how come the men in your life seem to all have followed this pattern of behavior, where they constantly keep you wondering about their true intentions, and if they are going to keep their promises or not, and end up frustrating you in the end?

In most cases, it is actually safe to assume that a good part of the reason why women unconsciously end up dating men who are passive aggressive… is because they like it. Now, don’t scoff at this yet and keep reading. As humans, we tend to be drawn to things that are familiar, and therefore make us feel “safe” whether we realize it or not. Same as with things, we unconsciously look for behaviors that we “know” and towards which we already have the mechanics to react to; so we –although it might drive us crazy- are attracted towards those who exhibit them.

So, how come women like this “safe” and “familiar” behavior to the point that they end up actually looking for partners who exhibit it? Well, if this is your case, chances are that you come from a family where one or both parents controlled the relationship via passive aggression, and this got you used to interacting with the behavior since childhood. You probably felt helpless being caught up in this family dynamic because much like in your present, back then, one person was getting their own way by silently maneuvering around the other person whilst the recipient was no doubt pissed off and frustrated at their behavior and the results of it. You probably tried to help but were likely powerless, so in adulthood, it’s almost like righting the wrongs of your past by trying to be successful in surpassing this behavior. So you are possibly looking for a passive aggressive person to tame into a good husband.

Trouble is that by repeating the same interaction from your past, you are sure to be frustrated like your mother/father was because getting the same results, year after year, and once again, the more you push, the more the other person resists the pushing and withdraws into cold shoulder and other PA behaviors.

How did you entered into this cycle? Probably because you wanted to help him because by him looking helpless or feigning helplessness about his problems, he invited the “helper” in you to appear and intervene in his behalf.

It’s not clear that he has invited you to “reform” him; probably not, and his game consists on inviting people to help him only to withdraw and frustrate the helper’s intentions. You can consider this avoidance response and refusal to change as an attack on you… But because you’re so used to this type of interaction, you need his PA behavior to define your personal identity as being useful, thus you’ll get caught up in trying to manage him and manage yourself around his behaviors.

Now, his apparent ‘neediness’ will draw you into these situations, and then, as has become the norm, your own needs won’t be met, you will feel frustrated and follow one of two possible courses of action: either you’ll silently simmer and hope for things to change, or you will try to verbalize your anger in a way that will scare him and force him to promise to take action so that you get what you want… he will agree to it, only to have the opportunity to disappoint you again!

So what can you do?

It is difficult to change a situation that has remained the same through all of your life, yet it is not impossible. Before you can come to terms with the relationship you currently have, it would be ideal for you to come to terms with the reason for it: the type of interaction you had (or still have with) your parent (who is the likeliest source of passive aggressive behavior in your life).

You might feel the need to talk to a coach, a good friend, or a spiritual adviser to admit the reality of the situation and gather the strength to confront it. Only once you have solved the issues stemming from your past and to which you are unconsciously holding on to, will you be able to successfully take on your present challenges.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Get your conflict coach session now!

Passive Aggression: Stop Welcoming It Home! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Today we’re offering a tip that will help you work through these feelings in a healthy way, so that you have a clearer understanding about the relationship.

The real struggle we see in relationships like this is that the victim can’t identify what’s really going on. Maybe you see him pulling away and think “He doesn’t love me.” Or, even worst: “I’m not lovable.” In reality, he is afraid of getting too close and then being hurt.

This conflict within himself creates conflict between the two of you; he sends out contradicting messages like “I’ll be here for you when you need me,” and then he’s gone when you need his support in a project or event.

He’ll produce even more confusion by trying to rationalize his behavior, giving you a list of good reasons why he does what he does.

Here’s the tactic most helpful for avoiding the confusion his actions can cause:

Come to terms with being in a passive aggressive relationship. This has a lot to do with saying to yourself: “this is my situation, this is how it is. It is not about me, or him not loving me. It is about him, his passive aggression, and his hidden fears. My confusion and emotional pain are indicators of being with him – not him being with me!”

When you think clearly about the situation, you are better prepared to move forward toward a solution between yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll keep accusing him of not wanting a relationship, he’ll accuse you of being too needy, and you’ll keep going around in circles!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Why don’t you get your conflict coaching session today? Go to Conflictcoach.me now!.

Stop confusing your brain! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Fine – An “I give up” way to quickly end an argument. Cliche and used often in sitcoms, it nevertheless occurs in everyday relationships, inhibiting any progress that could have been made through calm discussion. Fine establishes the speaker’s lack of intention to respect the situation and its issues.

Nothing – Nothing never means nothing. A PA may use this to sow doubt or retaliate against her partner, and a partner may use this to retaliate against the PA. In either case, it works against progress the same way “fine” does. In fact, arguments that start with “nothing” usually end in “fine,” proving the uselessness of both words.

Go ahead (and/or see if I care) – The ever-tricky trap. A PA might use this to lure the partner into doing something that the PA can use against them later. If a partner says this to a PA, they are merely reinforcing whatever behavior is going on, even if it gets them out of the current situation.

Be sure to distinguish between “Thanks” and “Thanks a lot.” If you find yourself about to commit to the latter, stop yourself. Sarcasm is the surest way to maim a conversation and infuriate the receiver.

Replying “You’re welcome” to a “Thanks a lot” may result in the last word – “Whatever.”

Whatever – Whatever is very similar to fine, nothing, and go ahead. However, it has the added perk of insulting the receiver. “Whatever,” no matter the true feelings behind it, will usually express the painful weight of an insult or a rejection, a complete shutdown of the other person. Coming from a PA, a single “whatever” is very destructive; coming from the PA’s partner, it is ammunition and a means to placing blame.

Surviving a passive aggressive relationship takes focus and a skillful way with words, because words are the rocks that partners often throw at one another in their anger and frustration. Choosing the right words at the right time is incredibly important in working toward change and mutual respect.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your own copy of the ebook The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.

Passive Aggressive Conflicts: Words Women Use is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

There were some responses (58%) telling about this dream situation:

1. “My dream is to feel that I am half of a whole: he supports me, I support him, and together we make one whole couple work. I want someone who challenges and encourages me in equal measure, making me a better person. He doesn’t have to indulge my every idea – just support the truly good ones and gently disagree with the not-so-great ones. I want a teammate, someone who will work with me. My greatest regret is that my husband has not been as invested in our children as I wished, nor supported me in my efforts towards them, but always coming with a contrary idea that leaves me alone and confused.”

2. “I have learned that the more I push for something, the more he pulls away from it. So, I have left ideas of moving in together, even after a year of dating, in the back of my mind. Outwardly, I show him that the idea completely disinterests me now. If he would be open to ideas and be willing to talk about things even when they scare him, I wouldn’t have to hide my dreams in the shadows.”

3. “What I need is for my husband to let me know that he thinks my ideas and opinions are valid and well founded. Otherwise, he’s not treating me as his partner or his ally; he’s treating me as an enemy, as someone to be dismissed. He’s telling me that I don’t have the right to make decisions or have input.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to work with you?

• “He makes me feel that we are on the same team. We both want resolution and compromise, so we both give ideas while being open to new ones.”
• “Even if he does not agree with my every idea, he appreciates the creativity and resourcefulness that go into them, and encourages me to stay motivated.”
• “He doesn’t rush – he listens carefully and tries hard to see things from my point of view.”
• “Since we listen well to each other, we realized that we share a lot of common ideas.”
• “When I have a good idea, he is quick to acknowledge it and work with me to make it happen. When he disagrees, he gives me an honest opinion; not a derogatory one.”

I simply need to feel supported by him.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel supported by him, the person nearer you…how are you going to find the direct and clear support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How far do you think you can go without his explicit words of recognition and support, being him the most important person in your life? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his lack of recognition of your best ideas that forces you to feel incompetent and worthless? Where is the motivation to keep developing yourself coming from?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Is he always fighting against your ideas? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Responses expressed dreams consistent with these:

1. “I want my family to be a part of our life together. They aren’t, and I know it’s because he doesn’t want them to know that he behaves like a child the majority of the time. However, he won’t admit that this is the reason, or address the problem. In fact, he doesn’t give me any reason at all. My family just isn’t allowed to be included.”

2. “I would like to feel free to have my parents and brothers, nephew and niece over to my house at any time. I can’t do that, because he doesn’t want to spend time with them, and he doesn’t see that they’re important or that time with them is important. It isn’t enough for him that they’re special to me.”

3. “My dream is that he would see that our whole family, whether it’s his, mine, or ours, all are connected, and that their relationship should be fostered. If the relationship with his family is bad, I want him to work on it, not ignore them and think that I have to do the same with my family.”

In what other ways would you know that he accepts and supports your family?

• “We surround ourselves with family whom we love and who loves us back.”

• “He is always cordial to my family and helps my relationship with them blossom.”

• “He never manipulates me or makes me look bad in front of my family.”

• “He genuinely loves my family, and opens his heart to every member.”

I simply need to have a happy family around.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Are you Isolated From your Own Family? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Once you accept that you are in this world to control others and make them do the right things, as you conceive them to be right, comes the real battle. Spouses have ridiculous ideas about being grown up people able to make their own decisions, so you need to find a way to impose control on them.

If a logical description of how things should happen is not enough, then the season is open for other ways of breaking the non-cooperative spouse’s will. What better way to control someone than to make them doubt their own perceptions???

What better way is there than to diminish her to the point that she has so low self-esteem as not to challenge male power? to reduce her to be dependent on money and all important family decision-making?

At the final stage, emotional-abuse victims become so convinced they are worthless, that they believe no one else could possible want them, either as lovers, friends or employers. Therefore, they “naturally” stay in abusive situations because they sincerely believe they have nowhere else to go.

We can recognize the end point of this de-humanizing process when she declares that her ultimate fear is that of being all alone. If the idea of being alone is extremely frightening, it is because her sense of self as a valuable individual has been totally demolished. Now, she can “gladly” give him complete control of family decisions about her, her children and her own future.

The toxic payoff is that now in the family there is a paradoxical “state of peace,” and supposedly the controlling husband is happy because he can reign in his own domain unchallenged.

If the children are not completely brainwashed, sooner or later they will want to be independent and make their own decisions, and here comes a painful break: to be able to grow up as adults, they need to leave their mother in the emotional prison that her marriage is. Or perhaps they can challenge their father and obtain some measure of independence for their mother also.

This is a sad picture; the end point of the fight for marriage control is the destruction of one spouse by means of abuse, attacks and rejection, so to get obedience.

This control battle, in all its different shapes and styles is going on in each household around us. Can we recognize its existence in our daily lives?

And how do we respond to the push for complete control in a way that respects the other person’s humanity while setting good boundaries around each one?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Spouse control means lack of respect is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband