In their very useful cooperative way of writing articles,

several authors at Wikihow have summarized ways for dealing

with emotional abuse. Here are some of the suggestions:

1. “Realize that you cannot change your partner, only your reaction to him or her. You can attempt to show your partner how damaging these behaviors are and how they are affecting you, and hope your partner will agree that you are being badly damaged. You can hope your partner will then make the decision to change, but ultimately you cannot force change. Your partner must recognize it and decide to end the behavior on his or her own.”

2. “Set new, reasonable terms for the relationship with clear and consistently implemented consequences. Decide (ideally together, but if that isn’t possible, decide for yourself) that you’re going to learn a new way of being in this relationship. Abuse most often exists because the spiritual/emotional weakness of the abuser demands the exercise of control over others (you) to give him or her a feeling of emotional security. Read that again, because it’s important: Abuse really starts because of insecurity or trust issues with the abuser. It is most often enabled by (1) the victim’s inability or failure to recognize the abusive behavior or (2) powerlessness of the victim, as in the case of a child enduring the emotional abuse of a parent. In adult relationships, ultimately, neither partner understands a healthy way to diffuse abuse and to respect each other or themselves. Establish that, effective immediately, all interactions will be honorable, and will specifically and especially exclude: name calling, character attacks/judgments, raised voices, spitting, throwing objects, etc. and that if either partner breaks the agreement, then separation will immediately be imposed until mutual respect is restored. Be prepared to accept that this may never happen, especially in advanced stages of abuse, and that your commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship may result in the termination of this abusive one.”

3. “Set boundaries. Abuse, in general, is an issue of disrespect that usually involves trespass upon individual equality and freedom due to unclear or poorly-defined boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it’s up to you to set up clear, reasonable boundaries for an honorable relationship and to consistently stick to them. Let your partner know that you now recognize your responsibility in allowing the disrespect in the past, but that this era has now come to an end. Recognize the damage incurred by the previous era and establish a commitment to obtaining the support needed to forgive and restore the peace and strength necessary for mutual respect in all of your future relationships.”

4. “Develop emotional intelligence. In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly suppressing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing authentic, respectful anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are often expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the “Fight” fear response that is coming through (as in “Fight or Flight”), and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions to end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing. Express your deepest and strongest feelings only in forums where they will receive the fullest respect and support, such as a diary, a blog, a group of very close friends or trusted family members, a professional and respectful psychologist (best by referral only), etc.”

   This advice is really on target…if you want more, (or wish to share your own suggestion) you would like to visit this site:

   http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Emotional-Abuse, and explore more ideas there.

   

   Neil Warner

   I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

    

Dealing with emotional abuse? here is help! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Can you see how she was getting more and more confused and alienated? Who was this foreigner in her own house, not saying a word, not even looking at her? what was the proper etiquette with him? should she demand an answer, or force him to answer? that seemed the wrong behavior, because he was signaling that he didn’t want to engage with her. However, what to do with the hundreds of petty everyday decisions that needed his input? And, if she would force herself on him to get an answer, how to process his angry eyes, telling her that she was trespassing on him?

A person doing the cold shoulder as a means of communicating disgust or anger, is sending a truncated message…his anger can come through, but the object of this anger is not clear. What should the other spouse do? imagine what kind of transgression he/she has done to have the spouse so high in  his contempt? it seems a lost battle, because there can be a lot of different reasons for the isolation.

What is real, and hurting as much as a physical pain, is the isolation inflicted. His silent treatment, full of contempt is really a permanent rejection, a hurt that doesn’t diminish with each day of continuous isolation ….It negates whatever is expected from such an intimate relationship as a marriage.

Are you also “married alone”? Do you recognize yourself in this picture?  As a way of comforting you in this Valentine day, when you should be feeling supported and loved instead of suffering the silent treatment, we offer you a free book, “5 Ways to Fight the Silent Treatment.”

Feel free to share it with your friends…meanwhile, keep up your search for positive ways of love and support….and learn how to stop silent treatments in your life.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Is silent treatment making you feel isolated and lost in Valentine’s Day? Here is our love! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

WE ARE STUCK IN THIS DANCE:

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

The Passive Aggressive Dance is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

What are the ways a passive aggressive may deny his toxic behavior?

There are four main kinds to discuss here:

• Denial of Facts
• Denial of Awareness
• Denial of Responsibility
• Denial of Impact

Denial of facts: many passive aggressive people will try to rearrange or fabricate past events to suit their present situation. They may (when the two of you recount it later on) change what was said in a fight last week, so that you are now the one who comes out looking bad this time. Sometimes, a denial of facts will mean you hear this go-to response: “I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that. That never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Denial of awareness: this is the “poor me” or victim card. When confronted about their behavior, a passive aggressive may say, “Yes, I see that I did x, but it was because I care about you and want to make you happy… how come you aren’t happy with me buying a new TV for you?” In this way, he makes himself out to be the misunderstood victim, full of good intentions but with a demanding spouse like you.

Denial of responsibility: a passive aggressive person may deny he has any responsibility or obligation to watch what he says or does (much like a child). He refuses to believe seriously that there are grown up responsibilities of his role as husband and father…It’s exhausting for you to remind him over and over that he has 50% of responsibility for the marriage moral, emotional and financial upkeep.  This is also part of the power games that passive aggressive people play; denial of responsibility involves maintaining a facade of power and control while doing the less he can, so he has time and resources for his playful interests.

Denial of impact: a little similar to denial of facts, a denial of impact occurs when the passive aggressive insists that his behavior is not really harming any one. In this type of denial, it is the wife, the children, and the friends who are wrong/controlling/demanding/over-reacting. He will say that the wife is the one who is going crazy, that her depression is from some other source, (surely organic, genetic, etc)  and that perhaps she should be the one to see a therapist, not him.

Which leads us to one last point: even with these stages of denial revealed, what else is at work when a passive aggressive man denies having a serious problem and is in need of some deep changes in order to stay married? Why does he deny in the first place?

What we learn when we study passive aggressive behavior is that there is often a fear of shame involved when he thinks about admitting any kind of fault. As a child, the passive aggressive man would have been exposed to large doses of shame – either shame for his own mistakes, or seeing others shamed for theirs. The end result may have been public humiliation from peers, private abuse in the home, or other events that instilled in him a fear of making mistakes or looking “bad.”

Ultimately, it is this fear that leads the passive aggressive man to deny that he has done anything wrong. It is this fear that leads him to say, “I don’t need therapy, you do.” The best way for him to avoid admitting a mistake (and thus, feeling shame) is to not only take attention off himself, but direct it at someone else.

This is the passive aggressive’s tragic state of affairs – he is the person who most needs an affirmation of self-worth, but he is also the person who continually rids himself of the best chances of having help by persisting in behaviors so toxic as to risk losing the spouse’s love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting the ebook “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” .

Is Your Passive Aggressive Husband in Denial? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

My best friend, Anne, was at the end of her rope. Of course she was developing ulcers and was taking some kind of pills for the rest of her life. Of course she was unable to sleep and would toss and turn the whole night, thinking that perhaps a new pill will provide relief!

It took me some time before I had the courage to ask her: What is happening to you? And she said “I’m sick and tired of the things my husband does each day…but I don’t know how to face him and make him stop such nasty behaviors, and I’m so angry at him that I could explode any time!”

What happens is that  she is afraid of his resistance and probably strong denial and thus she leaves a bad situation to escalate into a worst one, where her anger sits in a bed of despair and contempt. All because Anne doesn’t know how to confront him!

Or course, at this time, there is little love or respect left in her for him, who is oblivious to the depth of her negative feelings… He thinks that she has stress ulcers! Of course, he could ask the question: “what are the things that cause you so much stress…?” but he is avoiding exactly this kind of conversation! It is obvious how they are colliding in the same denial.

It took some private meetings with her to get to the bottom of her feelings and for me to be able to ask the question:

“Why is that you don’t confront him with his negative behavior”? And her answer was: I never learnt how to face him! Because I was only told to be always nice and polite, I don’t know how to confront anybody when they do things that upset or damage me! And now, I’m scared of his reaction…

Is this a picture that you recognize? How far in the path of self-destruction are you willing to go, only to continue thinking about yourself as a “nice person, never aggressive”? Could you identify with this situation, where you have neither the permission to confront, nor the skills to do it in a safe way? Are you afraid of any kind of confrontation, even a healthy one to defend yourself?

This is partially true: if you confront without knowing how to, in a respectful but firm way, you can get a worse response, and so confirm your fears. But, where does not doing a confrontation leave us? If we can’t confront, we stay frustrated and resentful, and the anger eats at us inside.

Meanwhile, the other person continues the offensive behavior as before, because nobody told him/her not to do so! When at last we do confront, we do in such state of frustration that results are not encouraging, and the other person, taken by surprise, can react very strongly.

If you don’t tell the other person when and how she is infringing on you:

* You are not in control of your life,
* You have a lot more stress.
* You begin carrying the emotional baggage of resentment.

The relationship deteriorates and the other person never has the opportunity to improve his behavior. Then, one day when “out of the blue” you decide to leave him, there will be a great shock!

THEN, if you confront:

* you get the control of your life back.
* You are not a passive victim.
* Stress level improves.
* Mental health goes back to balance.
* There is no build up of emotional baggage.

So, HOW do you confront someone about his/her inadequate behavior? It is simple, not by reproaching the wrong behavior, but asking for the right one:

If you are tempted to say something like:
“You are always a careless person! How do you dare to use my money without asking me if I could afford this expense! You are hurting my pocket in this way”

It is better to say:
“I need you to take better care of our money. When we have decided that this money should be used to pay X bills,, it would be better for us to stick to the plan, because there is no extra money now to pay for X. In this way, I will feel that we are really doing things together in a responsible way.”

Main parts of this new response are:
Focus is on “I” and not on “you,” because this expression is usually received as accusatory, and because it helps highlight the issue of what are our needs that are being frustrated now. You say it in a way that describes the problem’s impact on you, while providing a solution.

Three take away ideas:

1. It is best to confront soon, letting things fester is wrong.
2. It is best to confront skillfully, using this model.
3. Behavioral change requires that we keep confronting about the wrong behavior up until the moment when it improves, and then we praise the new behavior.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to “From Conflicts to Love, a new guide to Interpersonal Conflicts.”

How to talk to a resistant husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

There were some responses (58%) telling about this dream situation:

1. “My dream is to feel that I am half of a whole: he supports me, I support him, and together we make one whole couple work. I want someone who challenges and encourages me in equal measure, making me a better person. He doesn’t have to indulge my every idea – just support the truly good ones and gently disagree with the not-so-great ones. I want a teammate, someone who will work with me. My greatest regret is that my husband has not been as invested in our children as I wished, nor supported me in my efforts towards them, but always coming with a contrary idea that leaves me alone and confused.”

2. “I have learned that the more I push for something, the more he pulls away from it. So, I have left ideas of moving in together, even after a year of dating, in the back of my mind. Outwardly, I show him that the idea completely disinterests me now. If he would be open to ideas and be willing to talk about things even when they scare him, I wouldn’t have to hide my dreams in the shadows.”

3. “What I need is for my husband to let me know that he thinks my ideas and opinions are valid and well founded. Otherwise, he’s not treating me as his partner or his ally; he’s treating me as an enemy, as someone to be dismissed. He’s telling me that I don’t have the right to make decisions or have input.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to work with you?

• “He makes me feel that we are on the same team. We both want resolution and compromise, so we both give ideas while being open to new ones.”
• “Even if he does not agree with my every idea, he appreciates the creativity and resourcefulness that go into them, and encourages me to stay motivated.”
• “He doesn’t rush – he listens carefully and tries hard to see things from my point of view.”
• “Since we listen well to each other, we realized that we share a lot of common ideas.”
• “When I have a good idea, he is quick to acknowledge it and work with me to make it happen. When he disagrees, he gives me an honest opinion; not a derogatory one.”

I simply need to feel supported by him.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel supported by him, the person nearer you…how are you going to find the direct and clear support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How far do you think you can go without his explicit words of recognition and support, being him the most important person in your life? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his lack of recognition of your best ideas that forces you to feel incompetent and worthless? Where is the motivation to keep developing yourself coming from?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Is he always fighting against your ideas? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Most of the responses (68%) expressed dreams around the following insights:

1. “I wish that he honestly cared and was concerned when he saw that I was crying. I wish he could see that I’m hurting, pure and simple. What I need at those times is not to be dismissed or told I’m playing the victim, like usual – I need comfort and understanding, things that come only with real, honest communication.”
2. “It would be wonderful if I could be emotional when I need to and he would just hug me close, stroke my hair, and let me cry it out. I don’t want to feel that I have to hide from him or he’ll laugh at me for crying. That’s just not healthy; everybody cries. I’d rather have compassion and a desire to make me feel better.”
3. “I want to be able to feel whatever it is I’m feeling, whatever it is that’s troubling me, without being made to feel that my feelings are unfounded and that I’m being unreasonable. My husband is a Marine and can’t grasp the concept of ‘crying.’ That’s a very lonely situation.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to comfort you?

• “He lets me know that my emotions are valid and that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.”
• “Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about why I’m sad – the important thing is that he always asks why.”
• “If he makes me cry, he is sure to stop himself and comfort me. He always regrets his conduct and tries to work things out in a different way.”
• “He knows that sexual passion is not enough – sometimes I need some simple compassion.”

I simply need to feel safe when I’m down!

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel safe to express pain and sadness, and to be comforted by him …how are you going to find the safe space where to be able to express your emotions ? How are you going to ask for empathy and respect for your feelings, whatever they can be? And how are you going to feel supported and comforted when life delivers one of these blows that makes you (and everybody else) need a good cry to feel better?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Do you have his support when you cry? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Some 78% of the responses expressed:

1. “Although no one should ever be given the cold shoulder, and I don’t agree with him giving it to me, I still want to know why he thinks I deserve it. Better yet, if I do something wrong and hurt him, I want him to simply come to me and say, ‘You hurt me.’ I would do everything in my power to right my wrong, if only I knew what it was.”

2. “I want there to be warmth in our relationship instead of this coldness that he’s created by turning me away. It would make me so happy to be able to say to each other, ‘Honey, I am upset because of this or that, but I still love you.’”

3. “I am allowed to express my feelings as long as they are in agreement with his. If they are not, I am isolated for them and given the cold shoulder. I want to feel that I am worth something to him, that I will never be ignored. I want to feel that I am part of a special institution – marriage – and not an orphan looking longingly through the window.”

In what other ways would you know that he would never turn his back on you?

• “I feel like I made a good choice when I married him. I can count on him for anything.”

• “He tries hard to keep a good mood and move on with the day, even if we run into a snag.”

• “I know that I am the last person on earth he would turn his back to.”

• “We have everything we need to be happy and comfortable. He would never jeopardize that by weakening our connection.”

• “When he’s upset, he never jumps to conclusions and blames me. We sit down together and talks things out until we find the real reasons.”

• “He makes me feel wanted and loved in a personal, intimate way.”

• “It would break his heart to know he had made me cry.”

I simply need his open heart, loving me.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be loved, included and helped by healthy confrontation when is needed…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his isolating himself and giving you the cold shoulder, and educate him into proper and respectful communication that solves problems and expresses love and commitment at the same time?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Are You Receiving Cold Shoulder Treatment? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Responses expressed dreams consistent with these:

1. “I want my family to be a part of our life together. They aren’t, and I know it’s because he doesn’t want them to know that he behaves like a child the majority of the time. However, he won’t admit that this is the reason, or address the problem. In fact, he doesn’t give me any reason at all. My family just isn’t allowed to be included.”

2. “I would like to feel free to have my parents and brothers, nephew and niece over to my house at any time. I can’t do that, because he doesn’t want to spend time with them, and he doesn’t see that they’re important or that time with them is important. It isn’t enough for him that they’re special to me.”

3. “My dream is that he would see that our whole family, whether it’s his, mine, or ours, all are connected, and that their relationship should be fostered. If the relationship with his family is bad, I want him to work on it, not ignore them and think that I have to do the same with my family.”

In what other ways would you know that he accepts and supports your family?

• “We surround ourselves with family whom we love and who loves us back.”

• “He is always cordial to my family and helps my relationship with them blossom.”

• “He never manipulates me or makes me look bad in front of my family.”

• “He genuinely loves my family, and opens his heart to every member.”

I simply need to have a happy family around.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Are you Isolated From your Own Family? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Some 84 % of the responses expressed dreams consistent with:

1. “I would like to feel that he is there to prevent injustice, not perpetuate it. It is a double standard, because he would never stand for any form of humiliation from me, and I would pay dearly for such a vicious act.”

2. “A long time ago, I criticized him in public, and he responded viciously in front of my friends. I could never forget that, but now he has a need to appear perfect and wants people to believe we have a perfect relationship, void of any disputes or problems. Most of the time, he has convinced even himself that this is indeed reality. So he treats me better than before…I dream that this behavior is for ever.”

3. “Just as he does not want his previous mistakes, foibles or insecurities tossed about for any one and every one to know, I would also prefer that mine are not available for public ridicule.”

In what other ways would you know that he is respecting you in public?

• “He is sensitive to my feelings and others’ (the observers) feelings as well.”
• “He delights in me and my personality, and does not ridicule me, even in my weakest moments.”
• “I can walk away from something embarassing and he lets me keep my pride.”
• “He praises me in public and acts as if he is honored to be with me.”
• “We use the golden rule and treat each other the way we want to be treated.”
• “His attitude shows that I’m protected and honored.
• “He shows that I’m sincerely loved and respected; so I’m happy and relaxed in public.”
• “I receive fairness and equality from the most important person in my life: him”

Now that we know what the dream is composed of, how could you get it?  By having a clear picture of what is the dream situation, you are doing a giant step ahead. Now that you know that respect and equality is what you wish for, how can you plan to obtain more of it?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Humiliated in public? this is what you need now! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband