Are you coming short of your dreams? Still believing that with a bit of support and learning some good communication skills you would feel more gratified in your relationships?

We have been thinking along the same line here….

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without improvement or resolution when it comes to our important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month”

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good, meaty discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. Knowing that you read this blog frequently, we are sure you would be interested in this project.

Get a good look at our new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

Relationship Repair

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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“Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Passive Aggressive Behavior!”

is a post on Ezinearticles.com, a site where other of Nora’s articles are published.

If you are so kind to click here, you will find it on the site of Ezinearticles.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5957902

Or you can go here: http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Nora_Femenia

Thanks!

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It goes more or less like this:

• She complains; he denies all responsibility;
• She suffers; he ignores her suffering and walks away;
• She gets educated or a therapist; he laughs at them;

And this can go on for years! Most of the women writing to this site begin their letters saying: “I have been married to this guy 20 years…or 15, or 25…”

This is because only recently have they put a name to this situation, and having a name situates them into a new category: “I’m married to a PA person! That is the reason for all those indicators I didn’t knew how to understand before…!”

How can she really know? Well, as with some psychological disorders, the victims are the telltale indicators that something is not right. By compiling the victims’ narratives, we get the picture of a behavior that is real because we can now observe its impact on its victims.

Because victims have this pain of the gap between expected behaviors and their own reality, they observe, compare, and get educated about the differences between loving, healthy relationships and the toxic ones.

There is now a lot of information coming out, and we know more and more about how passive aggressive behaviors work and what is their impact on marriages. In fact: we know that it surely kills trust-based relationships such as marriages!

As a result, for him it is becoming more difficult to deny that those separated and isolated incidents now fit into a large, ominous picture where he is now seen as the culprit of her unhappiness.

So, is there no good place left to hide, husbands? Well, there is still your well-used resource: deny and deny that you have these tendencies… and attribute the situations your wife complains about to “bad luck,” misinterpretation or any other accidental cause… the purpose here is to divert, confuse and obfuscate your wife; never taking personal responsibility for anything.

How long can this work? That is the main problem with this strategy… it can work in the short term; in the long term, people tire of your endless “It wasn’t me….” answer and withdraw from the emotional connection with you.

So, what’s going on?

Basically, the lesson life is teaching you is “Grow up! Review those strategies coming from the times when you were a defenseless boy, and learn how to really, really have a deep connection with the people you say you love.”

Because is not how many times you say that you love them, is how much sensitive you are to their inner wishes and needs. Is not how good a provider you are (that’s not enough now…) but how deeply you get to know and support the growth of the people around you.

Helping them grow will help you grow and mature at the same time… which you can’t do when you withdraw into your silence.

So, next time you are tempted to go into your cave, clam up, keep the silence and individual “business” for two weeks and wait for the storm to pass giving everybody the cold shoulder, remember:

Perhaps this is the last time life is giving you an opportunity to look around, see the wounds of the people who (still) love you, and take a deep breath: this is your life.

Isn’t there something more courageous you could be doing with it? Like asking around to your wife the magical question: “Please, can you tell me what hurt you? This time, I’m ready to listen…?”

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! You can even begin a conversation about your possible passive aggression with her!.

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There are four main things a passive aggressive person will try to control or violate, in order to protect themselves from rejection and/or confrontation.

• The Right to Know
• The Right to Feel
• The Right to Have Impact
• The Right to Space

When he violates your right to know, he gives you unclear information, withholds information that you don’t “need” (like the finances), or gives you too little or too much information. With too little, you are left shaky and uncertain, realizing after he leaves that he didn’t really answer your question, or in fact made the situation look worse than you thought. This is where you may feel as if you’re expected to draw your own conclusions or “mind read.” With no information (“the silent treatment”) you feel like you’re walking on eggshells – or a mine field. When you are given too much information (anger attacks or blaming), you are not given time to speak, defend yourself, ask for clearer information, or set boundaries.

Your right to feel is violated when he tells you what you’re feeling, what you’re about to do or how you’re going to react. He may make claims about how you “always overreact” or how you’re just being “emotional.” He’ll make emotional demands about what not to feel (“Don’t cry”) or what you shouldn’t feel.

Crazy-making situations really start to show when your right to impact is violated. This is when he denies (by ignoring you, by overriding your needs with his own, by refusing to meet your needs) that you have an impact on his life. We measure our existence by how much impact we have on others, both physically and emotionally. If you feel like you don’t matter to him (don’t have an impact), it’s like being told you don’t exist at all! He can make this worse by “thinging” or objectifying you. He may treat you like a piece of furniture, coming to you only when he has certain physical needs. He may also deny your impact on him by denying contact – in other words, anything you say about his faults will bounce off and come back as something to use against you.

The last way he may violate your rights is to deny your right to space. In many ways, this is your right to individual power – the thing he wants you to have very little or none of. He may violate your right to emotional, physical, time, or mental space by saying that you doing x violates his right to do y (thus painting you out to be the bad guy, every time). For example, your right to be alone in your office violates his right to come visit you. Your right to have friends and family over violates his right to privacy and quiet. And so on, and so on.

These are the four main ways a passive aggressive husband exerts his crazy-making control over his partner and other people. Looking at them as your rights helps to understand this behavior as abusive – a denial of your personal rights to sanity and respect. Which of these ways is your husband using against you? More than one? Maybe all?

We encourage you to explore our blog, videos, and discussions (under “Ask Nora” and “Your Voice”) to learn more about these abusive behaviors and how to defend yourself against them. But for immediate action and sanity-saving help, please visit Coach Nora, and receive a free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Passive aggression is just that – aggression (or anger) that is passive (or hidden). The passive aggressive person learned to hide their anger from the very start, in a home where it was not safe to express such frustration. This home could have been unsafe for many reasons. There could have been drug or alcohol addicted parents, or parents whose gender roles were heavily enforced (for example, the wife was not allowed to express her frustration against the husband).

As the child (later passive aggressive) was taught to suppress and deny their feelings, they sought out ways of getting around that. They found other channels to express themselves, ways that were passively resistant. This is how sabotage (covert behavior, forgetting, ambiguity, chaos creation) and retaliation (overt punishment, eye for an eye, “justified” abandonment or abuse) are learned.

Children that grow up in this environment are never taught to find healthy ways of expressing anger. To the people who are in charge of these children, anger is not supposed to exist in the first place. Thus, the child continues to adulthood, still suppressing anger and venting it in vindictive ways.

So, what are the ways of healthily expressing anger? How do we teach our children to identify feelings and accept them as part of themselves? How do we show them that there is no need to run away?

The child needs to know they can say “I am angry.” They need to be taught the vocabulary for this.

When they do, appreciate their voicing it. “I’m glad you shared this with me.”

Ask them to stay in that feeling. “Why don’t we sit down and talk about why you’re angry?”

Why are they angry? What do they need that they don’t get? “I’m angry because they left me alone in the house.”

Validate those feelings, let the child know those feelings are theirs, they are human, they are OK. “Well, it’s normal to feel sad when you are alone.”

But now – follow that up with teaching the child that there is no need to become distraught. Instead of jumping to demand an immediate solution (“Don’t ever leave me alone again!”) the child needs to learn the value of owning their feelings, and finding ways of helping themselves feel better (“Playing with my toys makes me feel happy when I’m lonely”).

This manner of handling emotion is an extremely important part of human development. If we make others do things so we feel better (“if you never leave me alone, then I won’t feel sad”), we create this idea that feeling sad is bad and that we should do everything we can to block and prevent feeling exactly that…

Instead, as a healthy human being, the child should learn that emotions are healthy and valid, and that they just need to listen to themselves and take care of themselves when they are upset. Instead of demanding you stay (using other people making the feeling stop), they can learn what to do and what to say to themselves to reframe being lonely as a normal and not a catastrophic situation,  helping themselves accept sad or angry feelings as normal and transitory stages. This is the most basic lesson in self-sufficiency.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Get emotional management skills from our conflict coaching sessions!

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Today we’re offering a tip that will help you work through these feelings in a healthy way, so that you have a clearer understanding about the relationship.

The real struggle we see in relationships like this is that the victim can’t identify what’s really going on. Maybe you see him pulling away and think “He doesn’t love me.” Or, even worst: “I’m not lovable.” In reality, he is afraid of getting too close and then being hurt.

This conflict within himself creates conflict between the two of you; he sends out contradicting messages like “I’ll be here for you when you need me,” and then he’s gone when you need his support in a project or event.

He’ll produce even more confusion by trying to rationalize his behavior, giving you a list of good reasons why he does what he does.

Here’s the tactic most helpful for avoiding the confusion his actions can cause:

Come to terms with being in a passive aggressive relationship. This has a lot to do with saying to yourself: “this is my situation, this is how it is. It is not about me, or him not loving me. It is about him, his passive aggression, and his hidden fears. My confusion and emotional pain are indicators of being with him – not him being with me!”

When you think clearly about the situation, you are better prepared to move forward toward a solution between yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll keep accusing him of not wanting a relationship, he’ll accuse you of being too needy, and you’ll keep going around in circles!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Why don’t you get your conflict coaching session today? Go to Conflictcoach.me now!.

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Now, this is a different take: you have here a dialogue with questions and answers about the main issues of PA Behaviors. Perhaps this way of interaction can help you get clarity, or start a discussion, or get you thinking about a new angle….

Whatever your response, you are always welcome to post here your reactions. We will follow through, of course, with more back and forth about how, why, and what of managing this very difficult challenge with loved ones who hide under passive aggression….Enjoy the answers, and thanks for keeping connected with this blog!

INTERVIEW WITH COACH NORA

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Please, subscribe now to receive your free ebook: “Healthy Marriage.”

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My best friend, Anne, was at the end of her rope. Of course she was developing ulcers and was taking some kind of pills for the rest of her life. Of course she was unable to sleep and would toss and turn the whole night, thinking that perhaps a new pill will provide relief!

It took me some time before I had the courage to ask her: What is happening to you? And she said “I’m sick and tired of the things my husband does each day…but I don’t know how to face him and make him stop such nasty behaviors, and I’m so angry at him that I could explode any time!”

What happens is that  she is afraid of his resistance and probably strong denial and thus she leaves a bad situation to escalate into a worst one, where her anger sits in a bed of despair and contempt. All because Anne doesn’t know how to confront him!

Or course, at this time, there is little love or respect left in her for him, who is oblivious to the depth of her negative feelings… He thinks that she has stress ulcers! Of course, he could ask the question: “what are the things that cause you so much stress…?” but he is avoiding exactly this kind of conversation! It is obvious how they are colliding in the same denial.

It took some private meetings with her to get to the bottom of her feelings and for me to be able to ask the question:

“Why is that you don’t confront him with his negative behavior”? And her answer was: I never learnt how to face him! Because I was only told to be always nice and polite, I don’t know how to confront anybody when they do things that upset or damage me! And now, I’m scared of his reaction…

Is this a picture that you recognize? How far in the path of self-destruction are you willing to go, only to continue thinking about yourself as a “nice person, never aggressive”? Could you identify with this situation, where you have neither the permission to confront, nor the skills to do it in a safe way? Are you afraid of any kind of confrontation, even a healthy one to defend yourself?

This is partially true: if you confront without knowing how to, in a respectful but firm way, you can get a worse response, and so confirm your fears. But, where does not doing a confrontation leave us? If we can’t confront, we stay frustrated and resentful, and the anger eats at us inside.

Meanwhile, the other person continues the offensive behavior as before, because nobody told him/her not to do so! When at last we do confront, we do in such state of frustration that results are not encouraging, and the other person, taken by surprise, can react very strongly.

If you don’t tell the other person when and how she is infringing on you:

* You are not in control of your life,
* You have a lot more stress.
* You begin carrying the emotional baggage of resentment.

The relationship deteriorates and the other person never has the opportunity to improve his behavior. Then, one day when “out of the blue” you decide to leave him, there will be a great shock!

THEN, if you confront:

* you get the control of your life back.
* You are not a passive victim.
* Stress level improves.
* Mental health goes back to balance.
* There is no build up of emotional baggage.

So, HOW do you confront someone about his/her inadequate behavior? It is simple, not by reproaching the wrong behavior, but asking for the right one:

If you are tempted to say something like:
“You are always a careless person! How do you dare to use my money without asking me if I could afford this expense! You are hurting my pocket in this way”

It is better to say:
“I need you to take better care of our money. When we have decided that this money should be used to pay X bills,, it would be better for us to stick to the plan, because there is no extra money now to pay for X. In this way, I will feel that we are really doing things together in a responsible way.”

Main parts of this new response are:
Focus is on “I” and not on “you,” because this expression is usually received as accusatory, and because it helps highlight the issue of what are our needs that are being frustrated now. You say it in a way that describes the problem’s impact on you, while providing a solution.

Three take away ideas:

1. It is best to confront soon, letting things fester is wrong.
2. It is best to confront skillfully, using this model.
3. Behavioral change requires that we keep confronting about the wrong behavior up until the moment when it improves, and then we praise the new behavior.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to “From Conflicts to Love, a new guide to Interpersonal Conflicts.”

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Fine – An “I give up” way to quickly end an argument. Cliche and used often in sitcoms, it nevertheless occurs in everyday relationships, inhibiting any progress that could have been made through calm discussion. Fine establishes the speaker’s lack of intention to respect the situation and its issues.

Nothing – Nothing never means nothing. A PA may use this to sow doubt or retaliate against her partner, and a partner may use this to retaliate against the PA. In either case, it works against progress the same way “fine” does. In fact, arguments that start with “nothing” usually end in “fine,” proving the uselessness of both words.

Go ahead (and/or see if I care) – The ever-tricky trap. A PA might use this to lure the partner into doing something that the PA can use against them later. If a partner says this to a PA, they are merely reinforcing whatever behavior is going on, even if it gets them out of the current situation.

Be sure to distinguish between “Thanks” and “Thanks a lot.” If you find yourself about to commit to the latter, stop yourself. Sarcasm is the surest way to maim a conversation and infuriate the receiver.

Replying “You’re welcome” to a “Thanks a lot” may result in the last word – “Whatever.”

Whatever – Whatever is very similar to fine, nothing, and go ahead. However, it has the added perk of insulting the receiver. “Whatever,” no matter the true feelings behind it, will usually express the painful weight of an insult or a rejection, a complete shutdown of the other person. Coming from a PA, a single “whatever” is very destructive; coming from the PA’s partner, it is ammunition and a means to placing blame.

Surviving a passive aggressive relationship takes focus and a skillful way with words, because words are the rocks that partners often throw at one another in their anger and frustration. Choosing the right words at the right time is incredibly important in working toward change and mutual respect.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your own copy of the ebook The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.

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For example, a passive aggressive partner may do a bad job when asked to clean the house, so that the other person will “learn” that if they need something done, they should do it themselves.

Another example is sabotage of a diet or other plans for self-improvement. The PA partner might bring home sweets and encourage the dieter to indulge. This kind of sabotage is so childish that it seems unbelievable, but it is a PA’s way of keeping the person to themselves and preventing them from being attractive to others.

Similarly, the PA may sabotage the projects and goals that threaten the PA’s status in the home or relationship. They may use emotional barbs, often disguised as humor, to bring their partner’s self-esteem down and discourage them gaining power and status.

This behavior needs to be stopped in its tracks, but how do you stop sabotage when it is so subtle?

Go with your gut feeling on things. If you sense that you are being manipulated, or that your goals and projects seem to be taking forever despite your efforts, consider your situation. Recognize patterns in your partner’s behavior that may be clues to sabotage.

It is important to not only recognize the behavior but also communicate with your partner how it effects you and your needs. Ask them to look at their behavior in a serious light and let them see that there are implications that putt he relationship in danger. Do not accept the blame for the behavior, because passive aggression is not caused by outside factors – it is their problem. The only thing you are responsible for is your reaction to the behavior and the choices you make in confronting your partner.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your copy of the ebook: The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.

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