Can you say more? what can you say to a person that is the depth of despair like her? Her words tell us how much despair is there, how much loneliness and how many frustrated emotional needs are in her situation. How is she required to raise those three children feeling such isolation?

A spouse going into complete isolation, silence and withdrawing all communication to the other person sharing life with him is directly attacking the basis of the home his children need to grow up nurtured and loved. Even if this person considers that he needs to defend himself from some imagined o real insult, the presence of three children should convince him of making a decent effort to improve the situation.

Today, I’m going to reverse the usual provision of ideas, and ask you what can you suggest to make her life better. What ideas, support and ways of changing this despair into a reasonable companionship can you offer? Let’s see if the shared pool can share some ideas that she can use?

Thanks already for your good will!

My life is crumbling, largely because I have a completely passive aggressive husband.  I like the advice I have seen so far but don’t think they’re relevant to my situation because I don’t think my husband would mind one bit if I ignored him when he behaved badly.  He wouldn’t even notice.  In fact, if I didn’t talk to him or look at him or touch him or anything ever again, he wouldn’t give it a second thought.  I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children.  Any advice welcome.  Thanks.

Nora Femenia is a well-known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and sign-up free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach

Help: I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

This definitely helps when dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, because it legitimizes the things you’re feeling. You have an effect that is clearly linked to a cause. Now, it is becoming harder and harder to sweep passive aggression under the rug as a “fad diagnosis.” Take, for example, this article posted at the Underground Health Reporter.

The article discusses a “love hormone” in our brains, called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin is produced in our brains when we experience pleasing interactions with others, making us feel happy, connected and trusting of others. So what does a lack of it look like?

“Feelings of alienation and dealing with loneliness, as well as a lack of intimate relationships, are the outward manifestations of reduced oxytocin levels – but oxytocin deficiency may also cause physical damage to the body.

Dealing with loneliness, sadness and stress increase your odds of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and cancer. In fact, a recent study published in the Public Library of Science, Medicine reports that a social person has a 50% greater survival rate than a reclusive one.”

The article then claims that you can make yourself happier by raising your levels of oxytocin – and funnily enough, a hug is even more effective at doing that than an orgasm!

However, what happens in a passive aggressive marriage? How does it all apply? Well, oxytocin levels can expected to be extremely low because you are dealing with the stress and dire loneliness of constantly being denied intimacy. The cold shoulder, a key passive aggressive behavior, is certainly something that denies you oxytocin. Not even mentioning the lack of sexual intimacy!

So, how can you apply this today? Think about how your marriage is creating stress and denying you a remedy (the remedy being loving physical contact). Looking at this article, the easiest way to cheer yourself up considerably is to seek oxytocin from others – in a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or other loving contact. You can hug your kids, your mother, your friend, or even a stranger – all will raise your levels of oxytocin!

But you can also take this from the article: people will low levels of oxytocin trust others less. If part of your husband’s passive aggression comes from his intense distrust of intimacy, couldn’t raising his oxytocin levels help him, too? Of course, we know that for some of you, hugging your passive aggressive husband is the last thing you want to do. But for those brave enough to experiment, you can try reaching out to your husband – literally!

You can read the entire article here. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of the “passive aggression rut,” you can talk to our relationship expert and conflict coach, Dr. Nora Femenia!

Raise the level of your love hormones with a hug! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

At Psychology Today, Susan Harrow wrote an article explaining this new book. Here’s a snippet:

“According to communication pioneer Professor Albert Mehrabian,”7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is sent in the words that are spoken;  38% of feelings and attitudes contained in messages is expressed in the way that the words are said, and 55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the facial expression.”

… What complicates the matter is that when the person who receives an apology isn’t buying it, or feels like it’s just being said to shut them up, the apology itself can ignite a cycle where the person sincerely apologizing feels hopeless. When his apology isn’t accepted, it refuels his anger.


This is one of the reasons Dreyfus created her written flash cards which can help couples who are fighting or at an impasse calm down and get through to each other in less than a minute and turn a mean interaction into a loving one. The flash cards are a series of warm and calming self-aware messages that can be held up in the midst of an argument. For example it may be scary to say, “I’m afraid if I say I’m sorry, you’ll make everything all my fault.” But holding up the card can neutralize the difficulty.”

Make Sure Your Passive Aggressive Husband Gets the Message is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

photo credit: ValetheKid

Some of the most damaging interactions between a PA husband and his wife go like this conflict escalation:

• She wants a moment of intimacy, so she shares all her feelings (no filter here);

• She expects husband to do the same;

• He doesn’t know how, he stays silent;

• The more she gets frustrated and hurt, she escalates her emotional demands;

• He only gives back more stonewalling and resentment; or leaves the room.

If this is what you’re used to dealing with in your marriage, you’re probably asking yourself, “Should I just stay quiet? What’s the point in sharing my needs? Does it help or hurt us, in the end?”

A reader recently told us: “When he deflects my efforts to connect with him and he withdraws rather than sharing, what happens next is maddening silence. As a result, I feel criticized, rejected and dismissed.”

Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally stimulating to listen to their partners “rant” that they feel they have only two choices: either to ventilate their anger or withdraw. In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of their own escalating emotion — which they can’t tolerate — they either try to get her to shut up — or they leave the room. She feels controlled, marginalized and abandoned.

This situation is made up of a lethal combination of “over-sharing” (on the wife’s side) and clamming up (on his side).

When is the right time to use emotional restraint? As hard as it may seem to do, in this situation, it is better not to wear your feelings of anxiety, loss and despair on your sleeve (and ironically, when you don’t, you don’t feel as rejected and dismissed). This is the only thing that will interrupt the vicious cycle of you approaching and him retreating. Doing what you always do (express your rush of feelings and hope he feels pity) will no longer work if your husband is even slightly a passive aggressive man.

What is important here is to work on training your response to his behavior – this often works better than doing the same things you’ve always done and trying to change him. You can pick one idea from this list now:

• Train yourself on calming techniques (meditation, yoga, 5-5-5 breathing)

• Educating yourself on emotional management

• Ask yourself questions like, “Is what I’m feeling true?” If it is, “Do I need to share it now, or can I wait?”

• Take a walk

• Pray

• Chat with the dog/cat (or just cuddle with them)

• Take the kids out to do something fun

We know. In Western culture, we’re not used to being asked to keep our emotions to ourselves (we call it “hiding” them). But we’re not telling you to never share feelings – rather, encouraging you to take the time to think about how the sheer display of your emotions makes him feel. Usually, you’re only thinking about the way his emotions make you feel, right?

We call your normal way of interacting with your husband a “fishing expedition.” You fish around for the answers and feelings you want from him, and because he doesn’t know how to provide them, he feels he has no resource but to clam up. Now comes to critical question: do you keep the same fishing tactics? Or do you change your lure, let him come to you?

This analogy is a bit generalized, of course, but you get the idea. Emotions are part of this interaction between the two of you, so whatever you express has consequences. That is why the best way of not triggering his passive aggression (or your frustration with it) is to get to know and manage your own emotions.

• You can ask yourself what is your part on creating his silence (“What did I do that made him angry just now? Ah, he is scared of my emotional explosion!” This allows you to manage your own side of the interaction)

• Perhaps even you could decide to stay in silence yourself for a little while, and see what happens

• Or you can wait, do something else, give space, time and respect and see if there is a different response. Nobody wants to open up under such pressure.

We’re not saying that his behavior is your fault. There is nothing wrong with emotion or sharing it. But being in a passive aggressive marriage (and being committed to healing it) means you have to change your game a little. Even if he would be annoying and abrasive, you still have the right to choose to be affected or ignore him, and that’s extremely important to remember: you are still in control of your own life and emotions.

When you are the owner of your emotions and know when and how to react, then the message to your husband will be more direct, clear and productive. If you stop attributing all your distress to what he does, and learn how to separate your own peace of mind from what he does, you will feel better and he will be willing to get near and share with you. Forcing him to share everything with you is overbearing and imposing, and produces the opposite result.

Learning techniques to help you stay calm will ensure that you can still enjoy the good parts of your life now. You will be in control of your own peace of mind; and of your own happiness. You can plan for the future. Being in better control of your emotions and creating a loving space of respect between the two will help you both to catch a breath and get the situation under control and in a more positive vibe.

Do you need help finding ways to stay calm in the face of passive aggression? Our Conflict Coaches are standing by to help with just those sort of issues. You learn what to say when, how to understand his actions and responses, and much more. Visit Conflict Coach today and schedule your own coaching session, so you can change your life.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

If you don’t show your emotions, will he talk? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

People have different times to process emotional contents…when one person is fast to acknowledge that for them there is a need to stop interactions and protect themselves, other person could still go on and deny their personal hurt a bit longer.

There is also a gender difference; where women are trained to use self-examination as a daily tool (“am I adequate? did I do right here?”) men thend to fix their views on external factors and therefore are not so used to self-examinations.

All this talk leads to a tentative answer to the question:

What is the point of no return in a passive aggressive relationship? When one side finds out that “meta talk” (that kind of conversation that reflects on serious questions such as: how are we doing together? are we making each other happy? what could we improve?)  communicating about the relationship is impossible with the other person.

And why is it so hard to talk with a husband about his PA reactions? Well, the answer is here:

In “ASK NORA” (http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/asknora)  we have a person telling:

“Because admitting to a problem is equivalent to an immediate negative judgement against him and being told “you’re a failure”.

This is the reason men can’t get involved in a conversation about how they could improve: they are always positioning themselves in the very demanding situation of:

examining yourself=failing=rejection risk

Why is this attitude of ONLY focusing the self-examination on their own failures? What about their good behaviors that deserve recognition? Is there no self-esteem that can balance the automatic negative evaluation and include the positive aspects that each of us has? Whatever the hidden cause, men block self-examination and thus they lack opportunities to learn how to improve their wrong actions. This is a tragic result because puts people in a direct way to failure, as you can see reading this woman’s story:

“I truly believe, based on my own personal experience, that my PA husband never gave it a thought that his anger, stonewalling, sarcasm and long weeks of pure silence etc. etc. would cause him to eventually lose his marriage/family.

Never being one to threaten divorce unless I really meant it, I mentioned the “word” 3x over our 30+ yr. marriage.  I wanted it to be taken serious as in “last chance”.

The first 2 times he did not answer; walked out of the room and that was enough….I followed through on 3rd time & have never looked back. Personally at 56 years, divorce is not what I wanted; I just could no longer “continue my slow death” from loneliness, lack of physical or emotional love & his continued  ”under current” of anger & blame waiting to go off at any moment!  Why his anger? I never understood it before & now I no longer care! “

Tragically, we can see that is this falsely protective behavior of the passive aggressive person which leads to rejection. It produces (in a magnificent example of a self-fulfilling prophecy) the same results it tries to avoid. He ends up rejected! This time, because he is not man enough to own his 50% responsibility in making the marriage relationship happen with full involvement, disclosure and communication.

There is no other way: if you want to stop the falling out of love, the destruction of trust and the loneliness of both of you in a marriage, you need to know how to identify toxic behaviors, signal to your spouse that you respect and value her as much as to examine and change what needs to be changed and get on in the program.

Isn’t facing now some fear about being rejected better than ACTUALLY being rejected when you can’t face up to hurting your family?

Every journey starts with a single step. Our “Six-Step System to Stop Your Passive Aggression” is ready for you at Passive Aggressive System, but even if you’re not ready to commit to such an undertaking, you can talk to one of our conflict coaches to see if the system is right for you and your family.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a Conflict Coaching Session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

A Passive Aggressive Marriage Breaking Point is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Sometimes we hear about the challenges that passive aggression and other defensive behaviors have on marriages, but we fail to connect these present, adult behavior failures with the past conditioning produced in us by the family we grew up with.

So now we have a wife who is totally confused and blindsided by the spouse’s behavior, and that frustrated wife erroneously connects her husband’s unhappiness and their current problem to something she either did or didn’t do.

In short, the present spouse makes herself responsible for her husband’s behavior, and in taking this weight on, she tries to find the reason of the communication failure, so she can “heal it.”

Nobody enters into a relationship with a disclaimer, or an instruction letter that would make it easier for the wife to know the territory she is entering. If such a letter did exist, the instructions on how to deal with a passive aggressive husband would begin with capital letters:

“THIS IS A CONDITION YOU DID NOT CAUSE~

YOU CAN’T NEITHER CURE OR CONTROL IT,”

NOW, can you  stop blaming yourself!”

Wouldn’t that kind of disclaimer be a god-sent message? It would save so much pain, grief and time… which of course translates into lost happiness. Together in this blindness is the passive aggressive spouse, who will support to his death the conviction that his behavior is normal and everybody else is “too demanding” or “needy” or whatever way he uses to describe a wife with emotional needs going unsolved.

Let me recap: if you are in a passive aggressive relationship, take a step back and frame everything under this mantra: I did not cause his condition, I can’t cure him and the best I can do is not to take personally anything of the hurtful behaviors he is doing now.

When it gets hard, remind yourself:

Whatever he is doing now,

• it is his only way of responding; he doesn’t know better;
• it is the response he learned with his primary care-taker or mother;
• your best way of protecting yourself is letting the behavior go away without engaging on it. Just ignore it.

Now that you have this vital piece of information, what are you going to do?

Certainly not try to change him yourself. That role lies with him whose behavior it is! To encourage him to take his own behavior into his own hands, we encourage passive aggressive husbands to take our Passive Aggressive Test. He will be guided to see for himself that these are his own behaviors (not yours or your responsibility). And YES, WE can help him change himself with the “6 Steps System to Stop Passive Aggression and Save your Marriage!”

The Three C’s of Passive Aggression is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

“Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Passive Aggressive Behavior!”

is a post on Ezinearticles.com, a site where other of Nora’s articles are published.

If you are so kind to click here, you will find it on the site of Ezinearticles.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5957902

Or you can go here: http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Nora_Femenia

Thanks!

Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Passive Aggressive Behavior! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

It goes more or less like this:

• She complains; he denies all responsibility;
• She suffers; he ignores her suffering and walks away;
• She gets educated or a therapist; he laughs at them;

And this can go on for years! Most of the women writing to this site begin their letters saying: “I have been married to this guy 20 years…or 15, or 25…”

This is because only recently have they put a name to this situation, and having a name situates them into a new category: “I’m married to a PA person! That is the reason for all those indicators I didn’t knew how to understand before…!”

How can she really know? Well, as with some psychological disorders, the victims are the telltale indicators that something is not right. By compiling the victims’ narratives, we get the picture of a behavior that is real because we can now observe its impact on its victims.

Because victims have this pain of the gap between expected behaviors and their own reality, they observe, compare, and get educated about the differences between loving, healthy relationships and the toxic ones.

There is now a lot of information coming out, and we know more and more about how passive aggressive behaviors work and what is their impact on marriages. In fact: we know that it surely kills trust-based relationships such as marriages!

As a result, for him it is becoming more difficult to deny that those separated and isolated incidents now fit into a large, ominous picture where he is now seen as the culprit of her unhappiness.

So, is there no good place left to hide, husbands? Well, there is still your well-used resource: deny and deny that you have these tendencies… and attribute the situations your wife complains about to “bad luck,” misinterpretation or any other accidental cause… the purpose here is to divert, confuse and obfuscate your wife; never taking personal responsibility for anything.

How long can this work? That is the main problem with this strategy… it can work in the short term; in the long term, people tire of your endless “It wasn’t me….” answer and withdraw from the emotional connection with you.

So, what’s going on?

Basically, the lesson life is teaching you is “Grow up! Review those strategies coming from the times when you were a defenseless boy, and learn how to really, really have a deep connection with the people you say you love.”

Because is not how many times you say that you love them, is how much sensitive you are to their inner wishes and needs. Is not how good a provider you are (that’s not enough now…) but how deeply you get to know and support the growth of the people around you.

Helping them grow will help you grow and mature at the same time… which you can’t do when you withdraw into your silence.

So, next time you are tempted to go into your cave, clam up, keep the silence and individual “business” for two weeks and wait for the storm to pass giving everybody the cold shoulder, remember:

Perhaps this is the last time life is giving you an opportunity to look around, see the wounds of the people who (still) love you, and take a deep breath: this is your life.

Isn’t there something more courageous you could be doing with it? Like asking around to your wife the magical question: “Please, can you tell me what hurt you? This time, I’m ready to listen…?”

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! You can even begin a conversation about your possible passive aggression with her!.

How passive aggressive can you be? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

The first step in leaving a passive aggressive husband is to come to terms with your situation. You may have already done this, but if you haven’t, let us explain. It is important to realize the facts about your relationship: your partner is passive aggressive. You have tried everything you could, and still he refuses to accept his share in conflict ownership. Regardless of that, he is responsible at least for half of the relationship failure…and still in denial of this fact.  You are in pain, ready to move on, ready to begin again on your own if you have to.

Another thing to keep in mind is that certain strategies that have worked for others may not have worked for you, and that’s okay. After a certain point, some people are not fixable or changeable – simply because he has to be the one to commit to changing himself. Have you heard the phrase, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink?” If your passive aggressive husband can’t commit to changing, it is not your responsibility or obligation to try and change him anyway. If he’s not willing to commit to change, he’s also not willing to commit to the relationship.

The next step after accepting that he will not change – and you have no obligation to change him – is to grieve the dreams you’re leaving behind. Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? It’s true though. Essentially, you suffer from the relationship not just because it thwarts your need for love, support, and trust. You also suffer because there is some part of you that still dreams of a perfect marriage, and this part of you is constantly crying, “Look, this is what could have been.” This may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. It requires teaching yourself that sometimes, we can’t rely on others to fulfill our dreams, or wait for them to give us what we need. We have to take charge and take what we need for ourselves, or move on and find someone who deserves us. Realize that you have more to offer than is being recognized; you are worth respect and adoration!

After you’ve left the relationship behind you – moved to a new city, gotten a new job, whatever it is that you decided – the next important step is to re-motivate your life. Stop, think clearly for a moment. Has it sunk in yet, that you can do whatever you want? That you are free? That there is nothing holding you back from doing the things you’ve dreamt of doing? Think about something you’ve wanted to do, somewhere you wanted to be. Maybe you have projects that you never were able to do, goals you left behind to put your husband’s needs first. Pick those things back up! Let yourself dive back into them, and being to nurture and heal yourself in the process.

Lastly, it is critical for you to have a network of supportive people to shelter you as you transition from your old marriage to your new life. Whether they are family, friends, church members, teachers, mentors, or coaches, the benefits of having someone to listen to you and guide you cannot be overestimated. You need someone who will know how to put you on the right path when you’re not sure where to go next, when your ex-partner tries to guilt trip you, when there are complications in the process or when you just feel discouraged and lonely.

If you are ready to leave your relationship, want to try and salvage it, or are just trying to get by in whatever situation you’re in, Coach Nora is here to help. Please visit her here to receive a free coaching session, and learn what you can do to create a happier, healthier life for yourself. No bad situation is ever permanent, if you don’t want it to be!

Also, we offer an entire eBook on the subject of leaving a passive aggressive relationship. Please look below how to get your own copy, and learn more strategies for moving on in a healthy, responsible way.

Ending the Sadness of Passive Aggressive Relationships is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Just so that we understand each other better, let’s quickly review exactly what passive-aggression is: a behavior between couples involving resistance to do any shared projects, or one person doing exactly what he had in mind even if both might have decided that you were going to do something together. The end result when nothing happens because he “forgot” is utter frustration and loneliness for you.

So how come the men in your life seem to all have followed this pattern of behavior, where they constantly keep you wondering about their true intentions, and if they are going to keep their promises or not, and end up frustrating you in the end?

In most cases, it is actually safe to assume that a good part of the reason why women unconsciously end up dating men who are passive aggressive… is because they like it. Now, don’t scoff at this yet and keep reading. As humans, we tend to be drawn to things that are familiar, and therefore make us feel “safe” whether we realize it or not. Same as with things, we unconsciously look for behaviors that we “know” and towards which we already have the mechanics to react to; so we –although it might drive us crazy- are attracted towards those who exhibit them.

So, how come women like this “safe” and “familiar” behavior to the point that they end up actually looking for partners who exhibit it? Well, if this is your case, chances are that you come from a family where one or both parents controlled the relationship via passive aggression, and this got you used to interacting with the behavior since childhood. You probably felt helpless being caught up in this family dynamic because much like in your present, back then, one person was getting their own way by silently maneuvering around the other person whilst the recipient was no doubt pissed off and frustrated at their behavior and the results of it. You probably tried to help but were likely powerless, so in adulthood, it’s almost like righting the wrongs of your past by trying to be successful in surpassing this behavior. So you are possibly looking for a passive aggressive person to tame into a good husband.

Trouble is that by repeating the same interaction from your past, you are sure to be frustrated like your mother/father was because getting the same results, year after year, and once again, the more you push, the more the other person resists the pushing and withdraws into cold shoulder and other PA behaviors.

How did you entered into this cycle? Probably because you wanted to help him because by him looking helpless or feigning helplessness about his problems, he invited the “helper” in you to appear and intervene in his behalf.

It’s not clear that he has invited you to “reform” him; probably not, and his game consists on inviting people to help him only to withdraw and frustrate the helper’s intentions. You can consider this avoidance response and refusal to change as an attack on you… But because you’re so used to this type of interaction, you need his PA behavior to define your personal identity as being useful, thus you’ll get caught up in trying to manage him and manage yourself around his behaviors.

Now, his apparent ‘neediness’ will draw you into these situations, and then, as has become the norm, your own needs won’t be met, you will feel frustrated and follow one of two possible courses of action: either you’ll silently simmer and hope for things to change, or you will try to verbalize your anger in a way that will scare him and force him to promise to take action so that you get what you want… he will agree to it, only to have the opportunity to disappoint you again!

So what can you do?

It is difficult to change a situation that has remained the same through all of your life, yet it is not impossible. Before you can come to terms with the relationship you currently have, it would be ideal for you to come to terms with the reason for it: the type of interaction you had (or still have with) your parent (who is the likeliest source of passive aggressive behavior in your life).

You might feel the need to talk to a coach, a good friend, or a spiritual adviser to admit the reality of the situation and gather the strength to confront it. Only once you have solved the issues stemming from your past and to which you are unconsciously holding on to, will you be able to successfully take on your present challenges.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Get your conflict coach session now!

Passive Aggression: Stop Welcoming It Home! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband