We have a great article on this issue, (Yes: the “Five Questions…”  with Their Answers, too!)

Do you want to read it?

5 Questions to Ponder Before Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband

And of course, you can leave your comments, critiques and questions here!

Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband: 5 Questions to Ponder Before Moving On is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

This definitely helps when dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, because it legitimizes the things you’re feeling. You have an effect that is clearly linked to a cause. Now, it is becoming harder and harder to sweep passive aggression under the rug as a “fad diagnosis.” Take, for example, this article posted at the Underground Health Reporter.

The article discusses a “love hormone” in our brains, called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin is produced in our brains when we experience pleasing interactions with others, making us feel happy, connected and trusting of others. So what does a lack of it look like?

“Feelings of alienation and dealing with loneliness, as well as a lack of intimate relationships, are the outward manifestations of reduced oxytocin levels – but oxytocin deficiency may also cause physical damage to the body.

Dealing with loneliness, sadness and stress increase your odds of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and cancer. In fact, a recent study published in the Public Library of Science, Medicine reports that a social person has a 50% greater survival rate than a reclusive one.”

The article then claims that you can make yourself happier by raising your levels of oxytocin – and funnily enough, a hug is even more effective at doing that than an orgasm!

However, what happens in a passive aggressive marriage? How does it all apply? Well, oxytocin levels can expected to be extremely low because you are dealing with the stress and dire loneliness of constantly being denied intimacy. The cold shoulder, a key passive aggressive behavior, is certainly something that denies you oxytocin. Not even mentioning the lack of sexual intimacy!

So, how can you apply this today? Think about how your marriage is creating stress and denying you a remedy (the remedy being loving physical contact). Looking at this article, the easiest way to cheer yourself up considerably is to seek oxytocin from others – in a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or other loving contact. You can hug your kids, your mother, your friend, or even a stranger – all will raise your levels of oxytocin!

But you can also take this from the article: people will low levels of oxytocin trust others less. If part of your husband’s passive aggression comes from his intense distrust of intimacy, couldn’t raising his oxytocin levels help him, too? Of course, we know that for some of you, hugging your passive aggressive husband is the last thing you want to do. But for those brave enough to experiment, you can try reaching out to your husband – literally!

You can read the entire article here. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of the “passive aggression rut,” you can talk to our relationship expert and conflict coach, Dr. Nora Femenia!

Raise the level of your love hormones with a hug! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

At Psychology Today, Susan Harrow wrote an article explaining this new book. Here’s a snippet:

“According to communication pioneer Professor Albert Mehrabian,”7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is sent in the words that are spoken;  38% of feelings and attitudes contained in messages is expressed in the way that the words are said, and 55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the facial expression.”

… What complicates the matter is that when the person who receives an apology isn’t buying it, or feels like it’s just being said to shut them up, the apology itself can ignite a cycle where the person sincerely apologizing feels hopeless. When his apology isn’t accepted, it refuels his anger.


This is one of the reasons Dreyfus created her written flash cards which can help couples who are fighting or at an impasse calm down and get through to each other in less than a minute and turn a mean interaction into a loving one. The flash cards are a series of warm and calming self-aware messages that can be held up in the midst of an argument. For example it may be scary to say, “I’m afraid if I say I’m sorry, you’ll make everything all my fault.” But holding up the card can neutralize the difficulty.”

Make Sure Your Passive Aggressive Husband Gets the Message is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Are you coming short of your dreams? Still believing that with a bit of support and learning some good communication skills you would feel more gratified in your relationships?

We have been thinking along the same line here….

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without improvement or resolution when it comes to our important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month”

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good, meaty discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. Knowing that you read this blog frequently, we are sure you would be interested in this project.

Get a good look at our new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

Relationship Repair

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Planning to Repair your Relationships? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

People have different times to process emotional contents…when one person is fast to acknowledge that for them there is a need to stop interactions and protect themselves, other person could still go on and deny their personal hurt a bit longer.

There is also a gender difference; where women are trained to use self-examination as a daily tool (“am I adequate? did I do right here?”) men thend to fix their views on external factors and therefore are not so used to self-examinations.

All this talk leads to a tentative answer to the question:

What is the point of no return in a passive aggressive relationship? When one side finds out that “meta talk” (that kind of conversation that reflects on serious questions such as: how are we doing together? are we making each other happy? what could we improve?)  communicating about the relationship is impossible with the other person.

And why is it so hard to talk with a husband about his PA reactions? Well, the answer is here:

In “ASK NORA” (http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/asknora)  we have a person telling:

“Because admitting to a problem is equivalent to an immediate negative judgement against him and being told “you’re a failure”.

This is the reason men can’t get involved in a conversation about how they could improve: they are always positioning themselves in the very demanding situation of:

examining yourself=failing=rejection risk

Why is this attitude of ONLY focusing the self-examination on their own failures? What about their good behaviors that deserve recognition? Is there no self-esteem that can balance the automatic negative evaluation and include the positive aspects that each of us has? Whatever the hidden cause, men block self-examination and thus they lack opportunities to learn how to improve their wrong actions. This is a tragic result because puts people in a direct way to failure, as you can see reading this woman’s story:

“I truly believe, based on my own personal experience, that my PA husband never gave it a thought that his anger, stonewalling, sarcasm and long weeks of pure silence etc. etc. would cause him to eventually lose his marriage/family.

Never being one to threaten divorce unless I really meant it, I mentioned the “word” 3x over our 30+ yr. marriage.  I wanted it to be taken serious as in “last chance”.

The first 2 times he did not answer; walked out of the room and that was enough….I followed through on 3rd time & have never looked back. Personally at 56 years, divorce is not what I wanted; I just could no longer “continue my slow death” from loneliness, lack of physical or emotional love & his continued  ”under current” of anger & blame waiting to go off at any moment!  Why his anger? I never understood it before & now I no longer care! “

Tragically, we can see that is this falsely protective behavior of the passive aggressive person which leads to rejection. It produces (in a magnificent example of a self-fulfilling prophecy) the same results it tries to avoid. He ends up rejected! This time, because he is not man enough to own his 50% responsibility in making the marriage relationship happen with full involvement, disclosure and communication.

There is no other way: if you want to stop the falling out of love, the destruction of trust and the loneliness of both of you in a marriage, you need to know how to identify toxic behaviors, signal to your spouse that you respect and value her as much as to examine and change what needs to be changed and get on in the program.

Isn’t facing now some fear about being rejected better than ACTUALLY being rejected when you can’t face up to hurting your family?

Every journey starts with a single step. Our “Six-Step System to Stop Your Passive Aggression” is ready for you at Passive Aggressive System, but even if you’re not ready to commit to such an undertaking, you can talk to one of our conflict coaches to see if the system is right for you and your family.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a Conflict Coaching Session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

A Passive Aggressive Marriage Breaking Point is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Some of the latest scientific findings on the brain tells us that. brain’s power of imagination to “rehearse” optimal performance defines goal, and shapes our future.

It has been known for years that you can train your body for a competition and achieve optimal performance using visualization.

Can this technique be applied to your personal relational life? Possibly YES; but to your relationship, which involves another person? If we remember that no one can change another person, then it will not do any good. But you can change how others treat you by changing your own behavior, right?

Then you can use mental power to implant a new, healthier habit in your life, stop another one that now is obsolete, and replace old passive aggressive behaviors with new ones!

It is not enough to imagine how good your life will be, when changed…you need to load your mental imagery with the step-by-step description of the new behavior. Let’s say that you want to stop withdrawing in silence when something in your spouse’s behavior upsets you. Usually your attitude is to turn your back around and sulk in silence for hours, or days.

Why would you like to change this behavior into another?

Well, if you are really in the brink of divorce, or having a heavy load of unhappiness in your marriage, what is there to fear? Having the skills of confronting his/her and getting to a solution for the dispute will only bring peace and satisfaction to both!

If this sounds as something doable to you, here are a few suggestions to get started.

• Set aside at least 5 minutes once each day to visualize, in a relaxed state, your desired behavior in detail, as if it already exists.
• When limiting thoughts and negative emotions surface at any time, breathe into them and let them go — and smile confidently.
• As you “watch,” envision the vibrant colors, hear the sounds, feel the emotions and sensations in your body, even smell and taste.
• This is your “mind movie” and you get to live it in these moments as if you are there, completely and fully present in body and mind and emotion.
• You see yourself looking at your spouse, asking for some time to talk, asking questions, proposing a solution, getting the problem solved, and feeling the overall relief.
• The key is to make sure this elicits pleasurable feelings of joy, happiness—gratitude—inside you as you do. Smile. Feel grateful for being in this marriage and able to talk calmly with this person.

Think of this time as a fun and delightful retreat, a transformational exercise you look forward to jumping into to rehearse the life and relationships that you are consciously taking action to create in your life – speedily coming your way.

When you feel pleasure “rehearsing” your future in the present moment, what you are doing is telling your subconscious mind—the part of the mind that runs the entire body—that this is the reality you desire. And life begins to follow this lead, because here is the pleasure of life!

Just believe it, feel it, and be open to prompts for what actions to take toward the goal of changing your former passive aggressive behaviors, small or big. A few moments each day will add power to your dream.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Changing passive aggression in your mind? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Just so that we understand each other better, let’s quickly review exactly what passive-aggression is: a behavior between couples involving resistance to do any shared projects, or one person doing exactly what he had in mind even if both might have decided that you were going to do something together. The end result when nothing happens because he “forgot” is utter frustration and loneliness for you.

So how come the men in your life seem to all have followed this pattern of behavior, where they constantly keep you wondering about their true intentions, and if they are going to keep their promises or not, and end up frustrating you in the end?

In most cases, it is actually safe to assume that a good part of the reason why women unconsciously end up dating men who are passive aggressive… is because they like it. Now, don’t scoff at this yet and keep reading. As humans, we tend to be drawn to things that are familiar, and therefore make us feel “safe” whether we realize it or not. Same as with things, we unconsciously look for behaviors that we “know” and towards which we already have the mechanics to react to; so we –although it might drive us crazy- are attracted towards those who exhibit them.

So, how come women like this “safe” and “familiar” behavior to the point that they end up actually looking for partners who exhibit it? Well, if this is your case, chances are that you come from a family where one or both parents controlled the relationship via passive aggression, and this got you used to interacting with the behavior since childhood. You probably felt helpless being caught up in this family dynamic because much like in your present, back then, one person was getting their own way by silently maneuvering around the other person whilst the recipient was no doubt pissed off and frustrated at their behavior and the results of it. You probably tried to help but were likely powerless, so in adulthood, it’s almost like righting the wrongs of your past by trying to be successful in surpassing this behavior. So you are possibly looking for a passive aggressive person to tame into a good husband.

Trouble is that by repeating the same interaction from your past, you are sure to be frustrated like your mother/father was because getting the same results, year after year, and once again, the more you push, the more the other person resists the pushing and withdraws into cold shoulder and other PA behaviors.

How did you entered into this cycle? Probably because you wanted to help him because by him looking helpless or feigning helplessness about his problems, he invited the “helper” in you to appear and intervene in his behalf.

It’s not clear that he has invited you to “reform” him; probably not, and his game consists on inviting people to help him only to withdraw and frustrate the helper’s intentions. You can consider this avoidance response and refusal to change as an attack on you… But because you’re so used to this type of interaction, you need his PA behavior to define your personal identity as being useful, thus you’ll get caught up in trying to manage him and manage yourself around his behaviors.

Now, his apparent ‘neediness’ will draw you into these situations, and then, as has become the norm, your own needs won’t be met, you will feel frustrated and follow one of two possible courses of action: either you’ll silently simmer and hope for things to change, or you will try to verbalize your anger in a way that will scare him and force him to promise to take action so that you get what you want… he will agree to it, only to have the opportunity to disappoint you again!

So what can you do?

It is difficult to change a situation that has remained the same through all of your life, yet it is not impossible. Before you can come to terms with the relationship you currently have, it would be ideal for you to come to terms with the reason for it: the type of interaction you had (or still have with) your parent (who is the likeliest source of passive aggressive behavior in your life).

You might feel the need to talk to a coach, a good friend, or a spiritual adviser to admit the reality of the situation and gather the strength to confront it. Only once you have solved the issues stemming from your past and to which you are unconsciously holding on to, will you be able to successfully take on your present challenges.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Get your conflict coach session now!

Passive Aggression: Stop Welcoming It Home! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

This facet of passive aggressive behavior is difficult to deal with. When you’re sad, it can be tempting to say whatever you can think of until he talks to you again. When you’re hurt, you may just slam out of the room, leaving him to sulk in his own silence.

What is the best course of action, in either case? What will effectively show him the consequences of the silent treatment, without making you stoop to his level or act out of anger?

Our recommended tactic is this: assert yourself. Remember that his silent treatment is a choice, that he could have behaved differently and didn’t. You are not under any obligation to give him what he wants or give in to his “punishment.” His treatment does not prove or confirm anything about your value; it simply shows that he can’t handle conflict.

Because you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, you can make your own decisions about how to react. If he decides to be distant, show him that you can do the same. Detach yourself (gracefully) by having your own projects and friends, beyond his influence. Not only will this allow you to have an environment away from him, it will allow you to think clearly, have a new perspective, and feel stronger the next time he tries to manipulate you with silence.

When both of you have had your time alone, you will be better prepared to look at what happened and consider the impact his behavior is having on your relationship.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

How to react to the silent treatment? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

DO you remember the old stories in medieval times, when warring armies would stop the ongoing war and have a peace interval to honor Christmas?

The truce story is part of all narratives of combat: the moment when soldiers did stop attacking each other and then saw the enemy’s personal aspects…Soldiers would share a bit of goodies, show pictures of their loved ones to each other; sing a Christmas carol or two known by both sides…and for a moment experience what is really be at peace with each other.

What is the connection with your marriage to a passive aggressive person? A lot! We have been here examining the thousand ways you can identify what your marriage problem is; decide what strategies apply to change him, or how to evaluate the future of your marriage…all the way we have been supporting the war model of relationships!

Today, I want to propose you a very different approach: we are going to stop the war with your husband…and surprise him (always so well prepared to defend himself) with a total absence of negative comments.

Yes, that is what a truce entails: this week, you will abstain from saying anything negative to your husband, at all. No snarky comments about his passivity; no explanations about how his behavior is hurting you….nothing!

Do you hear me? Nothing, zero! This is your Xmas truce, remember?

And what are you going to do instead?

You are going to give him unconditional acceptance, that is.

STEPS TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND AN APPRECIATION TRUCE:

Make a list of ALL positive aspects you found in him when you met him;

Each day, find a way to give him unconditional praise. Oh, you don’t remember how to do it? Let me remind you of how it is done, OK?

This is the model: You find the positive aspect, and link that positive behavior, however small it is, with its positive impact on you.

You use sentences like: “I appreciate the way you take care of always having gas in the car, because it makes me feel secure driving”

The TRUCE will last from here to January 1^st, 2011. If you find yourself relapsing into criticism again, give him TWO appreciative phrases a day.

So now, you are asking yourself: what’s the point of this crazy idea?

My dear, we live in desperate times….and you can’t be unhappier with him than now. Why not to try a desperate solution? Treating him well will cause a relapse of his defenses, a new attitude on him and perhaps, you can turn your marriage around….Not bad for a simple attitude change, right?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

A Xmas Truce in a Passive Aggressive Marriage? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Steps to turn a present crisis into opportunity:

1.- Be totally present:

• Be aware of your breathing, and keep taking deep breaths;
• Look beyond your perspective, at the situation from above ( both players’ interaction picture);
• Don’t blame yourself and don’t blame the other;
• Ask yourself: What is the purpose of this conflict?

2.- Identify the needs underneath the angry interaction:

What are we trying to accomplish now?

• Calling the other’s loving attention;
• Needing to feel understood, accepted?
• Reacting aggressively because of fear of being abandoned or attacked?
• Anxious to be appreciated/valued by the other?

3.-  Now, describe your observation in a shared “we” phrase:

• It looks like both of us need a lot of attention now;
• It looks like you and I have a need to be supported;
• Isn’t it obvious that we are competing for a bit of love?

4.- Complete the invitation to move from the perspective of “it’s me against you” to “we have this need and will think together about solving it”

Ask: “Now how are we  going to fix this?”

Stress makes us tend to withdraw from confrontations. We prefer to believe that is safer to deny the conflict and to hide. So, we answer: “all is OK” when inside we are seething with anger or torn by despair and loneliness.

Hiding from conflict also forces us to believe that nothing can be done, because it’s one against the other, and we see that if the other person gets what he wants, then I don’t get what I need…inviting to a destructive competition for resources. We need to remember that marriage is a contract for reciprocal  cooperation!

Changing the frame to “Here we have a mutual problem, and it is how to solve our reciprocal needs and help each other get satisfaction,” will invite both sides to stop attacking each other and begin cooperating towards a more useful conversation.

–

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, get the “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” ebook now .

How to deal with passive aggressive husband is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband