Passive Aggressive Conflicts: Words Women Use

October 12, 2010 By

Women in passive aggressive relationships, or PA women themselves, often develop a vocabulary specific to their situation. This vocabulary, innocent as it appears, can cause numerous communication problems between the PA and the partner trying to handle them.

Fine – An “I give up” way to quickly end an argument. Cliche and used often in sitcoms, it nevertheless occurs in everyday relationships, inhibiting any progress that could have been made through calm discussion. Fine establishes the speaker’s lack of intention to respect the situation and its issues.

Nothing – Nothing never means nothing. A PA may use this to sow doubt or retaliate against her partner, and a partner may use this to retaliate against the PA. In either case, it works against progress the same way “fine” does. In fact, arguments that start with “nothing” usually end in “fine,” proving the uselessness of both words.

Go ahead (and/or see if I care) – The ever-tricky trap. A PA might use this to lure the partner into doing something that the PA can use against them later. If a partner says this to a PA, they are merely reinforcing whatever behavior is going on, even if it gets them out of the current situation.

Be sure to distinguish between “Thanks” and “Thanks a lot.” If you find yourself about to commit to the latter, stop yourself. Sarcasm is the surest way to maim a conversation and infuriate the receiver.

Replying “You’re welcome” to a “Thanks a lot” may result in the last word – “Whatever.”

Whatever – Whatever is very similar to fine, nothing, and go ahead. However, it has the added perk of insulting the receiver. “Whatever,” no matter the true feelings behind it, will usually express the painful weight of an insult or a rejection, a complete shutdown of the other person. Coming from a PA, a single “whatever” is very destructive; coming from the PA’s partner, it is ammunition and a means to placing blame.

Surviving a passive aggressive relationship takes focus and a skillful way with words, because words are the rocks that partners often throw at one another in their anger and frustration. Choosing the right words at the right time is incredibly important in working toward change and mutual respect.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your own copy of the ebook The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Resist Passive Aggressive Sabotage

October 5, 2010 By

A passive aggressive partner will often employ sabotage as a means of getting what they want in a relationship.

For example, a passive aggressive partner may do a bad job when asked to clean the house, so that the other person will “learn” that if they need something done, they should do it themselves.

Another example is sabotage of a diet or other plans for self-improvement. The PA partner might bring home sweets and encourage the dieter to indulge. This kind of sabotage is so childish that it seems unbelievable, but it is a PA’s way of keeping the person to themselves and preventing them from being attractive to others.

Similarly, the PA may sabotage the projects and goals that threaten the PA’s status in the home or relationship. They may use emotional barbs, often disguised as humor, to bring their partner’s self-esteem down and discourage them gaining power and status.

This behavior needs to be stopped in its tracks, but how do you stop sabotage when it is so subtle?

Go with your gut feeling on things. If you sense that you are being manipulated, or that your goals and projects seem to be taking forever despite your efforts, consider your situation. Recognize patterns in your partner’s behavior that may be clues to sabotage.

It is important to not only recognize the behavior but also communicate with your partner how it effects you and your needs. Ask them to look at their behavior in a serious light and let them see that there are implications that putt he relationship in danger. Do not accept the blame for the behavior, because passive aggression is not caused by outside factors – it is their problem. The only thing you are responsible for is your reaction to the behavior and the choices you make in confronting your partner.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your copy of the ebook: The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Charismatic PA: How Victims Fall into the Abuser’s Trap

October 1, 2010 By

What causes a woman to continue following a passive aggressive person, tolerating his lack of connection and using her love and time with him instead of taking care of herself, her family and friends?

Charisma plays a huge role in attracting and keeping a victim in an unhealthy relationship. It is not necessarily looks that create charisma – often is the demeanor, the performance that the passive aggressive uses. It is an intense gaze that is “only” for you, a warm voice, and a confidence in his walk. You may know his history and his pitfalls already, but he makes you like him anyway. When the right impression creates attraction, devotion and admiration can allow this abuser to get away with murder – many cult leaders, con-artists, and criminals gained power through their personal charisma.

How is that even possible?

Many times, the charismatic passive aggressive will tell his victim enchanting stories. One such ploy is selling the victim her own fantasies. It can be a fantasy of a protector, someone who has the power to get things done, or even a sexual fantasy. Whether it is strength, sexual prowess, independence, power, knowledge, etc., the charismatic abuser’s attractive traits are always performances, destined to tell her that everything is wonderful and that she is in the right place and time with the person right for her.

But it’s not always that simple… many times there will be a small voice inside telling her that not everything is OK. If she listens to that voice, she can see under his facade, and begin to grasp the real information that she needs to make a very important choice. The fact that she could be already under this spell will define the direction she goes.

If she is convinced that, even with the contradictory information and her gut feeling pulling her away, she can trust him with her protection and comfort, then little can be done. He can tap her hidden need for protection and convince her that, even so passive aggressive as it can be, his love is the best thing that could happen to her… To challenge this, she needs to accepts that she is alone, having to protect herself, that daddy or any knight on shining armor are not coming to rescue her, and that she needs to value and appreciate herself to live with self-respect. Which, of course, is the task that life dishes out to all of us!

The answer to the old question: “if he is such a passive aggressive and making her so unhappy, why is she not leaving him?” is hidden under the relative strength of her self-esteem. If her sense of being “nothing” is very strong, any warped comment that she can construe as appreciation from him will be good enough. The sad thing is that if this situation takes a long time to develop, she will discover that she has neglected to take care of herself long enough as to depend on whatever he will want to do for her. Here lies his real power, to reduce her identity slowly, over time, so that by the time she realizes what is happening, it is too late.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, buy this useful ebook: Passive Aggressive Husband.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Balancing Passive Aggression Strategy 2

September 23, 2010 By

Sometimes, the easiest strategy to balance passive aggression is to stop pushing, claiming or requesting…
This is called the Russian strategy, like when the locals were withdrawing into the woods leaving the field empty to Napoleon’s soldiers… No resistance, no guerrilla activity, nothing. No support, show of interest or fear whatsoever.

How do you do it? Well, you have been pushing and cajoling, to your husband delight, so he can continue frustrating you big time! now, you are going to cancel this behavior, and do nothing, request nothing and ask for nothing.
It asks for a bit of discipline: you need to teach yourself to do without his help (as you are doing now), but killing the expectation that he will finally intervene. Tell yourself that this tactic will be in use for a week, not longer; so you can experiment with your own feelings.

Now, imagine that your room mate is gone, and go about your business doing all by yourself: if you need some shopping, either do it by yourself or do without. do not even mention the list of ‘things that have to be done” to him…Be busy, involved in your own activities and look as happy as you can be. No distress, no anger, only a lot of self-control.

If you can, continue with this effort to the point in which he is forced to ask: ”What is going on with you?” and then respond: “Nothing, why?” with your more innocent face.

It has to be a surprise and a shock for him to discover that he can’t manage your emotions doling out frustration and negativity to you! He has to understand that you are a self controlled person which doesn’t depend from his approval or disapproval to be happy and busy….It looks a bit difficult, but this is a serious lesson to someone who believes that you are not independent from his control!

PD. we have more great strategies to teach you….keep reading. If you have a good friend in need of learning them, could you send this message to them? Thanks!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Does he attack you in public?

September 7, 2010 By

When I feel that he is “Attacking Me in Public,” the dream I’m yearning for is… protection first and recognition always.

About 60% of responses expressed dreams like these:

1. “I wish I could feel safe and trust him completely, knowing he would never turn on me and try to bring me down. However, he is unpredictable. At first he would attack me in public, but now he is more careful, trying to make himself look like the all-around nice guy. He wouldn’t dare do anything to jeopardize that. The public may buy into his dysfunctional façade, but I can’t bring myself to trust that he’s turned over a new leaf.”

2. “I don’t want to feel attacked, harassed, and bullied – I want to feel lifted up, cherished, with all the dignity that a caring husband gives a woman. I wish he wouldn’t undermine me and demean me at home, or worse, in public for everyone to see and gossip about. It makes me feel worthless.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to value and appreciate you?

• “He cherishes me like I am something precious, and always watches out for my well-being.”
• “When we are out and find ourselves disagreeing, we talk things over in private – calmly.”
• “He spoils me with praise, whether we are home or not. It gives him pleasure to show his approval in public. It proves to me how much he appreciates me.”
• “He is sincere enough that even complete strangers on the street can tell he cares for me deeply.”
• “The idea of bullying me is the farthest thing from his mind. His priority is caring for me and protecting me from trouble and harm.”

I simply need to feel valued and appreciated by him everywhere.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge your deep need to be valued and appreciated by the person most near you, how are you going to get this appreciation you dream about ? How are you going to challenge his way of demeaning you in public, as to make appear that he is the one in control in your marriage, and show him that is really vital for you to feel cherished by him? And how are you planning to heal your self-esteem from the damage caused by his criticism and continuous public put downs? Do you see a way to heal your marriage from this kind of hurt?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts
Newer Posts »