In a passive aggressive relationship, underhanded and sneaky attacks are his preferred “weapons of mass destruction.”

You have been asking for a detailed plan to nullify your passive aggressive husband’s arsenal. Here it is: you will learn how to call the attack for what it is and then respond in a way that preserves you from being manipulated.

We have been offering our experience before, like Tips to manage PA Behaviors

Take our suggestions with a grain of salt:

we offer them as an extreme response for some of our women readers who really want to learn the most straightforward way of managing his passive aggression, experienced as a direct attack against them and their marriage.

Here’s a step by step process for counter-acting a passive aggressive attack.

Stop Listening and Start Looking

This step is based on the idea that, in a passive aggressive marriage, many interactions are foggy and vague (purposefully). Thus, the most important thing to remember here is that you must separate words and deeds, and look only at the facts. Regardless of what your partner says about “forgetting” and other promises, start asking yourself is there is:

• Discrepancy between promises and delivery, causing delays;
• Non-acceptance of responsibility;
• “Good” words abounding, but no deeds.

These can be signs of passive aggressive punishment, provided they are consistent and often centered around one particular type of activity. Here’s a good example: if Robert generally is dependable and is home on time for Tina to attend her meetings, the one “miss” may not be motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often only sabotages Tina’s attendance to a particular event (her therapy sessions or her female friends’ group monthly dinner) while denying he is intending to do so, an attack pattern is emerging.

Start “Operation Consequence” if there is no match between words and results:

In order to nip his passive aggressive attack in the bud, you must show that you are going to handle it in an adult way, not with the child-like temper tantrum that he wants to see you degenerate into.

Your task is then to:

• Suspect sabotage and resistance;
• Suspend expectations;
• Terminate cooperation.

Learn his hidden anger indicators:

You can halt future attacks in their tracks by learning his patterns and indicators. People are creatures of habit, and passive aggressive husbands are no different. Here are some examples of indicators that he is hiding his anger and is trying to attack/punish you:

• Vengeful “accidental” actions, such as ruining belongings, deleting files, burning food, etc.;

• Withdrawal of emotional response, such as refusing to share your joy over an accomplishment;

• Detaching from family connections, such as deliberately ignoring family members you love.

Confront efficiently:

• Collect proofs by having another person around or taking notes;
• Prove connection between actions and damages by showing how one leads to another;

Control Your Desire to Attack Back

• Do not respond emotionally, as in throwing a tantrum (discussed above);

• Remember that outraged reactions to passive-aggressive behavior emotionally reward the passive-aggressive husband.

Practice Self-Discipline

We say not to throw a tantrum at your husband, but anger and frustration is of course normal, and must be dealt with in a healthy way. So, you need to:

• Work on yourself, to sort out any deep animosity you may have towards this person;
• Examine the relationship and find moments in which you gave control, responsibility or power to this person;
• Link the power given to him with the results obtained, and ask yourself: “Am I being shortchanged here”?
• Pay attention to your first reaction, the emotional one, because this is probably the most truthful. You are allowed to feel resentful, frustrated or angry at his skillful defection; it’s a natural reaction. And it is the tantrum version of this reaction that your husband is setting you up to have. You can take back control by handling that anger in an adult way.

• Now, you want to confront this person in the most productive way, diverging from showing this person how much he can hurt you. The “emotional outburst” type of confrontation will not serve your purpose. If you allow yourself to show your disappointment, then he has fulfilled his mission!

Decide what you want to accomplish:

Your counter-action rides on knowing what you’re trying to accomplish by recognizing and handling his passive aggressive attack. Ask yourself, what is your real goal upon seeing him attack you? What goal will help you live a better life and not be brought down to his level? It is to…

• Let your husband know of your frustration?
• Have a cathartic show of your own hurt?
• Get him to finally deliver?

All of these are worthy aims, but remember that the first two are dangerously close to the tantrum throwing result that he wants to see. Finally, what you want is to get him to deliver, right?

Is time then to do some Fair Fighting, in a calm, rational but direct way. Remember that the best way is to detach emotionally from any result, and see if he can recognize his involvement in this marriage and moves towards cooperating with you in making it happen.

How to Deal With a Passive Aggressive Husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Can you say more? what can you say to a person that is the depth of despair like her? Her words tell us how much despair is there, how much loneliness and how many frustrated emotional needs are in her situation. How is she required to raise those three children feeling such isolation?

A spouse going into complete isolation, silence and withdrawing all communication to the other person sharing life with him is directly attacking the basis of the home his children need to grow up nurtured and loved. Even if this person considers that he needs to defend himself from some imagined o real insult, the presence of three children should convince him of making a decent effort to improve the situation.

Today, I’m going to reverse the usual provision of ideas, and ask you what can you suggest to make her life better. What ideas, support and ways of changing this despair into a reasonable companionship can you offer? Let’s see if the shared pool can share some ideas that she can use?

Thanks already for your good will!

My life is crumbling, largely because I have a completely passive aggressive husband.  I like the advice I have seen so far but don’t think they’re relevant to my situation because I don’t think my husband would mind one bit if I ignored him when he behaved badly.  He wouldn’t even notice.  In fact, if I didn’t talk to him or look at him or touch him or anything ever again, he wouldn’t give it a second thought.  I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children.  Any advice welcome.  Thanks.

Nora Femenia is a well-known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and sign-up free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach

Help: I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

For many women, living with a passive aggressive man and his constant negativity can be a huge struggle. But for those who feel they need to stay in the marriage anyway (reasons can vary, person to person), living with a negative husband doesn’t have to be impossible.

The most important aspect to be aware of when staying with a passive aggressive husband is how his behavior impacts you – how you see yourself and your future, and how in control you are of your own life. Passive aggressive husbands thrive on taking those things away from you! That is what makes this relationship a toxic marriage.

There are certain needs a passive aggressive husband can fulfill for you, and living well despite his negativity relies on you finding out what these needs are. For some people, the passive aggressive husband’s wounds and issues help build the wife’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Please, watch out: can you see the danger in that? devoting yourself to ignoring your own needs under the cover of caring for his needs with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect. You will feel progressively emptier…

Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Staying in the relationship or leaving it – both require meeting your own problems head on. Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can find our book, “Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband,” at Passive Aggressive Husband.

Now, what are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. Even better is if you can gather the nerve to appreciate those aspects verbally to him.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you about the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love you when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

When feeling overwhelmed, detach: There might be moments when you really don’t know what else to do to tolerate this coexistence. If you still are convinced that staying married is necessary for you, then learn to detach. Make a list of your own interests: would you like to play bridge? Have a walking buddy? Going shopping to the mall? Going to educational classes at your community center? Have a set of friends for different purposes, which are not necessarily friends of the couple. Just GO, and forget if he is with you or left behind… Give yourself permission to receive pleasure and nurturing from friends, activities and learning wherever you can find them.

Compensate each negative comment with a positive thought: When he is constantly saying negative things, train your brain to think in the reverse position. Keep saying to yourself: “that’s true, but also can be true the opposite…so I can choose which one I believe.” So you keep a positive vision of your own future, which is exactly the point here.

How to Keep a Negative Husband Away is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

In thinking about why you married your passive aggressive husband, your reaction is probably one of these:

• I married him because of ______, so I’m holding to see if I can get that back
• I have no idea why I married this _____, I must have been out of my mind
• He fooled me into thinking he was a ________ type of person

However, the real reason you picked an emotionally abusive person for your husband is probably deeper than all of these. Finding the real reason can help you understand your relationship, what your emotional needs are, and how what you’re doing today might be denying those needs.

In “Are You With the Right Mate,” an article at Science Today, Rebecca Webber breaks down how to tell whether you’re with the right partner. One part in particular discusses why we choose the partner that we do.

One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It’s hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don’t know what your needs or values are or haven’t developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.

Why We Choose The Wrong Partner for Us is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

This definitely helps when dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, because it legitimizes the things you’re feeling. You have an effect that is clearly linked to a cause. Now, it is becoming harder and harder to sweep passive aggression under the rug as a “fad diagnosis.” Take, for example, this article posted at the Underground Health Reporter.

The article discusses a “love hormone” in our brains, called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin is produced in our brains when we experience pleasing interactions with others, making us feel happy, connected and trusting of others. So what does a lack of it look like?

“Feelings of alienation and dealing with loneliness, as well as a lack of intimate relationships, are the outward manifestations of reduced oxytocin levels – but oxytocin deficiency may also cause physical damage to the body.

Dealing with loneliness, sadness and stress increase your odds of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and cancer. In fact, a recent study published in the Public Library of Science, Medicine reports that a social person has a 50% greater survival rate than a reclusive one.”

The article then claims that you can make yourself happier by raising your levels of oxytocin – and funnily enough, a hug is even more effective at doing that than an orgasm!

However, what happens in a passive aggressive marriage? How does it all apply? Well, oxytocin levels can expected to be extremely low because you are dealing with the stress and dire loneliness of constantly being denied intimacy. The cold shoulder, a key passive aggressive behavior, is certainly something that denies you oxytocin. Not even mentioning the lack of sexual intimacy!

So, how can you apply this today? Think about how your marriage is creating stress and denying you a remedy (the remedy being loving physical contact). Looking at this article, the easiest way to cheer yourself up considerably is to seek oxytocin from others – in a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or other loving contact. You can hug your kids, your mother, your friend, or even a stranger – all will raise your levels of oxytocin!

But you can also take this from the article: people will low levels of oxytocin trust others less. If part of your husband’s passive aggression comes from his intense distrust of intimacy, couldn’t raising his oxytocin levels help him, too? Of course, we know that for some of you, hugging your passive aggressive husband is the last thing you want to do. But for those brave enough to experiment, you can try reaching out to your husband – literally!

You can read the entire article here. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of the “passive aggression rut,” you can talk to our relationship expert and conflict coach, Dr. Nora Femenia!

Raise the level of your love hormones with a hug! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

In a recent article posted on AOL, Dr. Epstein (a Ph.D. based out of San Diego) revealed that 10 to 20% of American marriages are “sexless.” That is, sex happens once a month or less.

Our neighbor in the blogosphere, PA Don’t Stand for “Palo Alto” has an interesting spin on this article that should give you something to think about - does this mean that 40 million Americans are in passive aggressive marriages?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Passive Aggression: The New American Epidemic? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

WE ARE STUCK IN THIS DANCE:

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

The Passive Aggressive Dance is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

How to recover your life after a passive aggressive marriage? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

It was really surprising for us to begin receiving letters from the wives, just telling about their experience taking the test! Yes, they are taking the test in place of their husbands…using his very frequent responses she can play the game of being him for the test and finish it. And receive the answer…

Why are they doing this? Because they need answers! What we find now is that receiving this answer can be very liberating…today, some wife wrote about:“My epiphany day!” Hear her words:

“Actually, I just did the test, in the way that i see my husband. Been married nearly 38 years. I’ve been reading on your site, and what a HUGE revelation. I’ve always seen him as passive aggressive, even though i really didn’t know the definitive meaning of that word; but just the sounds of it, fits him.

I’ve always seen him as Mr. sabotager; did a lot of reading today..OMG…it hasn’t been my imagination; it explains almost everything. In so many ways, I have seen that I married a man who is still emotionally a child.

But I have figured out enough, finally, that this is not because of me; this is his problem; I was always told that everything is my problem and that I’m ungrateful…on and on the story goes.

But reading the test results today, it feels like the veil has been lifted from my eyes; mainly that there really is a name for this behavior…”

So, you are using the test as a tool to validate your own perceptions! And in this process, you are having what this reader shared with us in her letter: a GLORIOUS, REVEALING “EPIPHANY DAY”!

What are the three products of this epiphany?

• You are out of the brain fog;
• You stop blaming yourself;
• You recover your own mind!

And, last but not least, now you can recover your own power: the power of your ideas: the power of thinking clearly and trust your brain again.

NOW: having an epiphany is good, but it’s frightening if you don’t know whatever you are going to do with this insight:

• You could use this information to kick the table off;
• You could use this new info as a permission to fight back;
• Or you could use this power to redefine the rules of the game.

NOW WHAT? women in the situation like you are in, are probably looking for guidance for their next step. Where to leads the road ahead…?

Is it true that you need help to be able to see the next steps? Or perhaps what you only needed was having some external tool to clarify your mind, recover your power of planning your own life and now you can continue your path by yourself?

We will be waiting for your answers…meanwhile, you too can take the test, use what you know about your husband’s motivations to do what he usually does when answering the questions, and get the response you need so much. Go ahead, take the passive aggressive test….we will be waiting for you here!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult, angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Women like you are taking the passive aggressive test: you are not alone! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

People have different times to process emotional contents…when one person is fast to acknowledge that for them there is a need to stop interactions and protect themselves, other person could still go on and deny their personal hurt a bit longer.

There is also a gender difference; where women are trained to use self-examination as a daily tool (“am I adequate? did I do right here?”) men thend to fix their views on external factors and therefore are not so used to self-examinations.

All this talk leads to a tentative answer to the question:

What is the point of no return in a passive aggressive relationship? When one side finds out that “meta talk” (that kind of conversation that reflects on serious questions such as: how are we doing together? are we making each other happy? what could we improve?)  communicating about the relationship is impossible with the other person.

And why is it so hard to talk with a husband about his PA reactions? Well, the answer is here:

In “ASK NORA” (http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/asknora)  we have a person telling:

“Because admitting to a problem is equivalent to an immediate negative judgement against him and being told “you’re a failure”.

This is the reason men can’t get involved in a conversation about how they could improve: they are always positioning themselves in the very demanding situation of:

examining yourself=failing=rejection risk

Why is this attitude of ONLY focusing the self-examination on their own failures? What about their good behaviors that deserve recognition? Is there no self-esteem that can balance the automatic negative evaluation and include the positive aspects that each of us has? Whatever the hidden cause, men block self-examination and thus they lack opportunities to learn how to improve their wrong actions. This is a tragic result because puts people in a direct way to failure, as you can see reading this woman’s story:

“I truly believe, based on my own personal experience, that my PA husband never gave it a thought that his anger, stonewalling, sarcasm and long weeks of pure silence etc. etc. would cause him to eventually lose his marriage/family.

Never being one to threaten divorce unless I really meant it, I mentioned the “word” 3x over our 30+ yr. marriage.  I wanted it to be taken serious as in “last chance”.

The first 2 times he did not answer; walked out of the room and that was enough….I followed through on 3rd time & have never looked back. Personally at 56 years, divorce is not what I wanted; I just could no longer “continue my slow death” from loneliness, lack of physical or emotional love & his continued  ”under current” of anger & blame waiting to go off at any moment!  Why his anger? I never understood it before & now I no longer care! “

Tragically, we can see that is this falsely protective behavior of the passive aggressive person which leads to rejection. It produces (in a magnificent example of a self-fulfilling prophecy) the same results it tries to avoid. He ends up rejected! This time, because he is not man enough to own his 50% responsibility in making the marriage relationship happen with full involvement, disclosure and communication.

There is no other way: if you want to stop the falling out of love, the destruction of trust and the loneliness of both of you in a marriage, you need to know how to identify toxic behaviors, signal to your spouse that you respect and value her as much as to examine and change what needs to be changed and get on in the program.

Isn’t facing now some fear about being rejected better than ACTUALLY being rejected when you can’t face up to hurting your family?

Every journey starts with a single step. Our “Six-Step System to Stop Your Passive Aggression” is ready for you at Passive Aggressive System, but even if you’re not ready to commit to such an undertaking, you can talk to one of our conflict coaches to see if the system is right for you and your family.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a Conflict Coaching Session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

A Passive Aggressive Marriage Breaking Point is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband