Most of the responses (68%) expressed dreams around the following insights:

1. “I wish that he honestly cared and was concerned when he saw that I was crying. I wish he could see that I’m hurting, pure and simple. What I need at those times is not to be dismissed or told I’m playing the victim, like usual – I need comfort and understanding, things that come only with real, honest communication.”
2. “It would be wonderful if I could be emotional when I need to and he would just hug me close, stroke my hair, and let me cry it out. I don’t want to feel that I have to hide from him or he’ll laugh at me for crying. That’s just not healthy; everybody cries. I’d rather have compassion and a desire to make me feel better.”
3. “I want to be able to feel whatever it is I’m feeling, whatever it is that’s troubling me, without being made to feel that my feelings are unfounded and that I’m being unreasonable. My husband is a Marine and can’t grasp the concept of ‘crying.’ That’s a very lonely situation.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to comfort you?

• “He lets me know that my emotions are valid and that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.”
• “Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about why I’m sad – the important thing is that he always asks why.”
• “If he makes me cry, he is sure to stop himself and comfort me. He always regrets his conduct and tries to work things out in a different way.”
• “He knows that sexual passion is not enough – sometimes I need some simple compassion.”

I simply need to feel safe when I’m down!

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel safe to express pain and sadness, and to be comforted by him …how are you going to find the safe space where to be able to express your emotions ? How are you going to ask for empathy and respect for your feelings, whatever they can be? And how are you going to feel supported and comforted when life delivers one of these blows that makes you (and everybody else) need a good cry to feel better?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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Some 78% of the responses expressed:

1. “Although no one should ever be given the cold shoulder, and I don’t agree with him giving it to me, I still want to know why he thinks I deserve it. Better yet, if I do something wrong and hurt him, I want him to simply come to me and say, ‘You hurt me.’ I would do everything in my power to right my wrong, if only I knew what it was.”

2. “I want there to be warmth in our relationship instead of this coldness that he’s created by turning me away. It would make me so happy to be able to say to each other, ‘Honey, I am upset because of this or that, but I still love you.’”

3. “I am allowed to express my feelings as long as they are in agreement with his. If they are not, I am isolated for them and given the cold shoulder. I want to feel that I am worth something to him, that I will never be ignored. I want to feel that I am part of a special institution – marriage – and not an orphan looking longingly through the window.”

In what other ways would you know that he would never turn his back on you?

• “I feel like I made a good choice when I married him. I can count on him for anything.”

• “He tries hard to keep a good mood and move on with the day, even if we run into a snag.”

• “I know that I am the last person on earth he would turn his back to.”

• “We have everything we need to be happy and comfortable. He would never jeopardize that by weakening our connection.”

• “When he’s upset, he never jumps to conclusions and blames me. We sit down together and talks things out until we find the real reasons.”

• “He makes me feel wanted and loved in a personal, intimate way.”

• “It would break his heart to know he had made me cry.”

I simply need his open heart, loving me.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be loved, included and helped by healthy confrontation when is needed…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his isolating himself and giving you the cold shoulder, and educate him into proper and respectful communication that solves problems and expresses love and commitment at the same time?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Responses expressed dreams consistent with these:

1. “I want my family to be a part of our life together. They aren’t, and I know it’s because he doesn’t want them to know that he behaves like a child the majority of the time. However, he won’t admit that this is the reason, or address the problem. In fact, he doesn’t give me any reason at all. My family just isn’t allowed to be included.”

2. “I would like to feel free to have my parents and brothers, nephew and niece over to my house at any time. I can’t do that, because he doesn’t want to spend time with them, and he doesn’t see that they’re important or that time with them is important. It isn’t enough for him that they’re special to me.”

3. “My dream is that he would see that our whole family, whether it’s his, mine, or ours, all are connected, and that their relationship should be fostered. If the relationship with his family is bad, I want him to work on it, not ignore them and think that I have to do the same with my family.”

In what other ways would you know that he accepts and supports your family?

• “We surround ourselves with family whom we love and who loves us back.”

• “He is always cordial to my family and helps my relationship with them blossom.”

• “He never manipulates me or makes me look bad in front of my family.”

• “He genuinely loves my family, and opens his heart to every member.”

I simply need to have a happy family around.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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Here we had some 85% of responses expressing the following dreams:

1. “Sometimes I feel like it’s a lost cause to think we can ever communicate openly about why he needs to play these games, why he hides his thoughts and actions. Maybe it isn’t hopeless to dream of clarity, but right now it seems like it.”

2. “I want to be an integral part of his life and worthy of so much more than games. I do not like playing mind games and think this is the worst aspect of my PA husband. I do not want to have to play games to get what I want; I prefer to be forthcoming, and want that in return.”

3. “I would like to have consistency, to trust that a yes is a yes and a no is a no. Being with a man who changes his mind all the time makes me feel insecure, like I can’t trust him. I never know where I stand, and I leave the argument feeling like nothing has been resolved. It makes me feel heavy.”

In what other ways would you know that you can trust him?

• “My well-being is more important to him than keeping up appearances of perfection.”

• “We never waste life’s precious moments; we focus most on loving each other.”

• “I can think clearly when I’m with him, and I have faith in myself and my perceptions.”

• “Reverse psychology does not occur when we are working things out.”

• “He would never insult my intelligence by being dishonest or trying to manipulate me.”

• “He is above cheating me or stifling me; he thrives on bringing out the best of me.”

• “Our relationship doesn’t feel faked. It’s a real, secure connection.”

• “Sometimes, if the situation is complicated, we set down a time limit and a goal.”

I simply need security.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need for a secure bond, where you can trust your own perceptions as connected to the shared reality, how are you going to send the message that you want to get rid of manipulation and deceit? How important is this need and how are you going to prevent the lack of trust that is so damaging to your self-esteem? How are you going to respect your own need for transparency and truth?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Get your own copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband,” and begin the path to recover yourself!.

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We have here some 89% of the responses expressed dreams about:

1. “I would like to feel that he is silent because everything is right between us, and there’s no need to fill up space with words. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Nothing is right.”

2. “I want an open and honest relationship. Instead, he sits around sulking, making me guess why he is feeling the way that he is. He should care enough to help make the relationship better, not degrade it.”

3. “After I express my feelings, I want to be shown respect and an urgency to resolve problems. Not be given the silent treatment, where he watches television, works, and does everything but talk to me. Those long silences make me feel like I’m married to a five year old.”

In what other ways would you know that the two of you share a connection?

• “If he can’t talk about it right now, he lets me know when he can get back to me.”

• “He never shuts down just because he doesn’t want to deal with the problem. He knows that would make me feel like I did something wrong.”

• “He doesn’t just sit there and think about things, he shares them as he’s thinking them.”

• “I don’t need a magic wand to make him talk to me, it just comes easily.”

• “Our behaviors mesh together well most of the time – when they don’t, we work it out.”

• “We work together even when the issues are difficult so that we maintain a productive relationship.”

• “No one suffers in silence alone. We openly share our deepest emotions and fears with each other.”

• “He appreciates my conversation and my company, no matter how simple it may be sometimes.”

I simply need to feel included.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel included, to have open communication based on reciprocal trust, and to be able to share and receive personal confidences from your husband, how are you going to send him the message that it is OK to talk about everything? How are you going to stand up and express your need to have a sensible and kind response from him?

Perhaps letting him know that sulking is not a mature response, using assertive language? Are you going to invite yourself to practice assertive phrases beginning with “I”, and following with a description of his behavior, and then closing with a description of the consequences?

“When you remain silent after I told you what worries me, I feel (abandoned) (rejected) (isolated?) and I have to accept that my worries are meaningless to you, so I my conclusion is that I should keep them to myself. Let me know if this is true, so I can take other choices.”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Please, get your own copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” now, and begin your way back to happiness!

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Some 84 % of the responses expressed dreams consistent with:

1. “I would like to feel that he is there to prevent injustice, not perpetuate it. It is a double standard, because he would never stand for any form of humiliation from me, and I would pay dearly for such a vicious act.”

2. “A long time ago, I criticized him in public, and he responded viciously in front of my friends. I could never forget that, but now he has a need to appear perfect and wants people to believe we have a perfect relationship, void of any disputes or problems. Most of the time, he has convinced even himself that this is indeed reality. So he treats me better than before…I dream that this behavior is for ever.”

3. “Just as he does not want his previous mistakes, foibles or insecurities tossed about for any one and every one to know, I would also prefer that mine are not available for public ridicule.”

In what other ways would you know that he is respecting you in public?

• “He is sensitive to my feelings and others’ (the observers) feelings as well.”
• “He delights in me and my personality, and does not ridicule me, even in my weakest moments.”
• “I can walk away from something embarassing and he lets me keep my pride.”
• “He praises me in public and acts as if he is honored to be with me.”
• “We use the golden rule and treat each other the way we want to be treated.”
• “His attitude shows that I’m protected and honored.
• “He shows that I’m sincerely loved and respected; so I’m happy and relaxed in public.”
• “I receive fairness and equality from the most important person in my life: him”

Now that we know what the dream is composed of, how could you get it?  By having a clear picture of what is the dream situation, you are doing a giant step ahead. Now that you know that respect and equality is what you wish for, how can you plan to obtain more of it?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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The core of some messages goes deep into the issue of IDENTITY:

Like asking the basic existential question:

“Who am I to him? a fellow human being, deserving of respect for my needs, or a mere thing?“

“I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who loves me and cares enough for me to listen to my needs and try to fill some of them. I’m not asking for someone perfect to fulfill my every wish and desire, just someone who loves me enough to TRY, to want to do things that make me feel happy and loved. And, I would do the same for that partner. With my PA husband, I feel like he gives the exact opposite of anything I ask for. I am always being “punished” somehow for having any needs at all.”

“That my emotional needs are important to my partner, even if he does not understand them completely; if I communicate my needs, I expect him to try and meet them if he really cares and loves me and not try and undermine and deny how I feel.”

“I want to feel that my emotional needs are important to him and I would like him to show it with his behavior, not just say it.”

Looks like the marriage deal is a not so hidden contract of reciprocal confirmation: “I will confirm that you are a valuable human being by listening and respecting your needs, and you will do the same for me…”

Even when violation of this basic contract between you and your spouse is happening all the time, our survey confirms that any of you forgets the basic purpose of being married: to get support, confirmation and validation from your spouse, and reciprocally, to give to him this kind of recognition.

What happens if we feel that we give him respect, attention and validation, but not receive the same for our own needs? Well, sometimes I tend to think if this behavior is the norm, then I’m getting shortchanged and abused. Our human need to be appreciated never goes away, what it does is to force us to find other sources for it. If we don’t satisfy it, our soul whiter and dies of starvation. What other will see is our lack of a strong self-esteem….what we experience is the loss of an inner center of strength and identity.

And why a spouse? because that is the most important contract of our lives! to find another person who can see and appreciate our qualities, (even the hidden ones) and praise them and admire them…This is the real basis for love, do you agree?
We tend to love those compassionate people who can see in us positive aspects perhaps we tend to ignore, and talk about them, and appreciate them, and make them real….

Here and then, you know that you really matter to that person… Is there a better love proof!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Indeed, each house is a different world. In each couple there are behaviors done, and behaviors missing. And a lot of time waiting for happiness to come back, to be just in the center of this relationship….We know a lot of what makes you unhappy;
we know less of what is missing; what would you make happier.

If we look at the experience of “walking on eggshells,” we see that it is too common in the shared stories. If you had not to walk on eggshells, what would you like to experience instead of that behavior? What is the opposite experience that makes you feel secure and accepted?

If you identify with being in the receiving end of “Getting the cold shoulder?” what would you like instead, that offers you the opposite experience? how do you dream the feeling of having a partner that shares ideas and thinking and planning with you, and how does it make you feel?

We invite you here to share your thoughts. Please, look at the litany of passive aggressive behaviors our readers suffer and are describing in their postings at AskNora, check the ones that you recognize as part of your life….and feel free to describe what your soul wants instead. Nobody but you knows what is what would you feel right, loved and supported, so use your own words to describe what you want to have in your life now.

You can begin your comment by saying:

“Instead of this behavior (fill the blank here) what I really need/want/appreciate is this other behavior!” (describe your heart’s desire here)

Thanks for sharing!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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If your passive aggressive partner is used to have you covering up for his withdrawal, silences and frequent claims of helplessness, then STOP.

You could train yourself on not reacting to cover up his missing activities. Given that your own welfare and livelihood are dependent on his, because living together, he is confident that you will save both of you at the last minute.

How could you pull this trick:

Declare somewhat casually that you are not to be automatically in charge of covering up what he leaves undone or forgets and that he needs to ask you for the favor of doing something in his own “to do list.” If there is no request from his side, inform him you will let the issue expire, drop or be disconnected.

Try to pick one issue not so fundamental to your own well being as the electricity supply. If this bill lapses because he didn’t remember to pay it, better you have your own flashlight hidden somewhere in the house.

Once you have selected your issue target, do nothing. Don’t remind him; don’t warn him; keep complete silence and see what happens.

Wait to mention the issue so he is the one first to recognize that something is not working. Wait to be asked if you did pay the bill, etc. then, look at him and say “That was in your list, and as we both are grown up people, we both need to take care of what needs to be done.”

Don’t offer to solve the problem; be prepared to live without, up until the moment he decides to go ahead and solve it. It can be difficult, but remember that you are making a point here.

Probably, the most difficult part of this strategy will be stopping yourself from helping, solving or taking care of things…This is a good thing to learn, so stay put, breathe deeply and remember to have fun and enjoy your own life.

PD. we have two more great strategies to teach you….keep reading. If you have a good friend in need of learning them, could you send this message to them? Thanks!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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First, he needs to want to change, but really, he doesn’t want to drop this behavior at all. It’s his favorite defense against the world and demanding intruders like women in their lives…

If there is some behavior we really know, because is too frequent, is that functioning using passive aggression is not a choice; some people have learned from very early that is safer to play dead and be noncommittal in any personal relationship. Probably, they have been hurt before, so now they don’t risk opening up.

For them this behavior is functional behavior, allowing them to imagine that in this way they are protected from probable harm coming from other people.

Besides, going down to the dynamics of any couple, a passive aggressive husband is very cozy with you functioning as his complement and covering up the difference between what he promises and what he delivers…

So, is there no hope? What can you do? Well, you can change your own responses, and thus force him to adapt to the new situation created by your new behavior….And then, voila! You have change!

Do you want an example?

Usually, you go around him tiptoeing and walking on eggshells up until he gives a superficial consent to some project. Even then, you are not sure he will deliver…if you use your own old behavior, then you will be there waiting for him to deliver.

The new behavior is telling him that you expect him to deliver, but just in case he can’t, for some reason, you have plan B lined up.

When he produces finally his answer, (as you have moved on pursuing this project without being stuck waiting for his delayed response) you can either adopt his solution so discarding your Plan B, or if your own solution is still better, use your own solution and move ahead. No regrets, no guilt, no procrastination!

This behavior takes away his power of controlling you through postponement and confusion, thus inviting him to come up with some new behavior to answer your actions. Here you have moved him to change, right?

What if you still feel that you have no power whatsoever to implement this approach? Or you feel that you can’t do anything that could frustrate him? Well, you need more than this article; you need to read “Passive Aggressive Husband,” and get all the support you can muster in order to push yourself to grow!

BECAUSE if you don’t reach out and get some strong help, your marital situation will only get worst, you will lose your time and your energy doing the same thing that doesn’t help you now (“bear and grin,” perhaps?) and your promised change is not coming by itself.

IN SHORT:

No, he will not spontaneously change; you need to change your behavior towards him; if you can’t do it alone, please, get help reading our postings, our ebooks and posting here your questions to get some realistic, easy to apply suggestions to recover yourself. Good luck!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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