Tired of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband?

March 23, 2010 By

You can spend years thinking only that your husband is “difficult” and finding support and relief in your family and friends when you need real support.

Then, one day, someone asks you: “Did you notice that he always gives you this passive aggressive responses that leave you in the lurch? how do you cope with the constant fog he creates around him?”…. and the light is on. Now you have a name for the behavior; now you don’t blame yourself first for not being clever enough as to understand him…You have to face the fact that you are in a passive aggressive marriage!

This is the moment when you can ask the real questions to yourself:

Are you prepared to release your own pent-up feelings of helplessness against life and marriage?

Do you crave open, honest communication with your partner, but he gives you the cold shoulder often?

Do you think you could have a good amount of respect for him if only you understood your husband’s motivations better, so he would and could be responsible of his marital duties?

Do you want finally to know when to trust him to follow up on his promises to you?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it is time to learn how to control your future and discover the secrets to reclaiming your full love life.

If you feel trapped in an unhappy relationship, or if you are tired of useless confrontations with your loved one, it is time to make a change, by learning a new way of addressing him that protects you better….and leaves him in a place where he needs to treat you differently.

If you are ready to stop waiting for him to change; and you are ready to take control of your relationship and move it into a whole new direction, then you need to know this information

If this e-book gets to your hands, and you read it carefully, there WILL BE change. Your relationship will be different, and you will be empowered to face your marriage in a new way.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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How to trust his behaviors?

February 25, 2010 By

Balancing trust with self-preservation is a very difficult balancing act….If you want to keep your trust on your husband’s intentions to treat you well and always defend your interests, then you can’t be second-guessing if he is doing passive aggression against you, right?

If you decide that is impossible to be for ever watchful, and then give him your best shot at helping you (“I need the car with the full tank of gas tomorrow early, so I can go to this job interview, could you take care of it?”) only to discover that he “forgot to do it,” where that leaves you?

 Frustrated? Yes…
 Scared? Even more!

The first time you discover you can’t count on him solve a need for your very important project, a crack appears in your perception of the trust existent in your relationship. This is a sad discovery: “I can’t trust him.”

This is not easily forgotten. Every time you need to ask him for something be it trivial or important, a nagging question appears in your mind: will he do it in time? Or will I only get a silly excuse for his absence?

This is not easily denied. Now you need double guarantees, to ask and ask again about the fulfillment of the promise, about his delivery of whatever he promised. You are stuck in a no win situation, where, if he is really angry at you, he will play you at his will. You will get lots of stories, little confidence in what he says.

How can you go on? Now you have a double burden: decide if you are going to share the inevitable tasks of married life, (and having to do them anyway later) or doing them before hand and be done with them, and avoid this endless conversation about his duties. Whatever you do, it gives you the lingerig feeling that this is not the life you dreamed of.

Is there a way out? Proceed with caution, and be ready to hear outrageous accusation about being too controlling…

Here are the steps:

Ask for help: “I need you to take the car to the mechanics this week, before Friday 6:00 PM”
Confirm: “I will ask you no later than Wednesday night,”
Say what will happen: “I need you to tell me if you have a problem with this taks. If I don’t deliver my work Friday evening, we will lose the client.”
Alert him: “If you have a problem with this issue, it’s better to share it with me now, so we can make other plans”
Close the deal: “I need to know that I can trust you with this project, very important for me.”
Finally: keep in mind that you need to have also a Plan B, for if he fails to deliver at the last minute.

If things go well, you can praise him and show your happiness. If there is a non-delivery, then you go to Plan B without any warning or other conversation. Be fast, act in a sure way and don’t leave any possibility for him to imagine that his non-delivery will stop you from doing what you need to do.

After several repetitions of this dance, perhaps you can begin again saying: “Now that we both know that certain tasks need to be done regardless what we would like to do, and can’t be stopped, I would like to know if I can trust you with this new task…..”

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
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How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

February 17, 2010 By

In a very kind letter, Rosy said:

“In my own way to learn detachment, there were several moments I do remember as very important for me:

The first thing I decided to do: I completely stopped opening a conversation with him about the future of our relationship.
Then, I completely stopped touching him or getting near him in a loving way…and watched his reaction”

You probably are surprised, and asking: is this what I need to do?

YES, to reconnect with your own feelings, you need to detach. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him any more; it means you are opening your own space to get to know who are you and what do you feel…

If you perceive that he is ready to look like he will open up a conversation, (because you are strangely silent) saying something like “what do you think we could do…” just wait a bit more:

—Go and do the dishes, play with the cat, go to the bathroom, do something else, but do not accept his invitation to take over the conversation about “where do we go from here..”

—Focus your attention on watering the plants, feed the dog, take out the trash, but don’t engage.

—Instead, take the time to sit down, and explore your feelings…how do you feel? Angry? Exhausted? Hopeless? Own any feelings appearing inside you: there is only one way to recover yourself and is through owning your emotions.

—Cry, yell if you need to, but don’t let him see you, or communicate any of these feelings to him.

Stay in this contained situation until you feel that you own your feelings, and that you can manage them. You are not at his mercy, but you can control yourself.

This kind of detachment separates your own feelings from whatever he tries to make you feel; ends confusion and makes you the owner of your own power. Is a temporary emotional separation that allows you to recover the person you are and center in yourself. Without this centering, any “talk” with him will confuse you again, and make again feel that you are lost….Just take control of yourself, and center!

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: assertiveness, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

He says what I want to hear, but does what he wants to do

July 26, 2009 By

Have you ever been in this situation?

He constantly devalues me (little put downs but he is always “just joking”). He says what I want to hear and does what he wants to do then makes me crazy with “Well I thought we were just having a conversation. I didn’t realize that you thought we had come to an agreement”.

How do you know you are being devalued by this dual behavior? when your words, projects and proposals are not taken seriously…he can agree with you this moment, but “forget” what you say as it was never said next minute.

If you want to have some certainty in a particular situation: “We’ll go to my parents’ this Sunday for dinner,” is probable that the dinner invitation will be renegotiated over and over again ad nauseam….

You will never hear him saying: “at what time do you want to leave for your parents’ dinner?” or any other reference to this event. There will be no references, and so when you have to bring it up, he can be utterly surprised and shocked of you sneaking this invitation on him, when he was totally ignorant of such plans….

Really maddening? Yes.

Surprising? Well, not at all!

Why not? because fogginess over agreements is one of the best tricks of a passive aggressive husband to keep you confused and frustrated. If a clear YES will do, you will get every other answer but a yes. This is such a successful method of sabotaging trust in a relationship, that is basically a tell tale indicator of PA behavior in your own husband.

Your self-defense step has to be clearly defined:
Get your own deadline fixed in your mind. If his answer is still vague 48 hours before the event, cancel it or make the firm decision to go alone. Suspending the wait, or killing the expectation that he will appear at the last minute will help you in having clarity in your life, and knowing where you stand.

If he appears at the last minute, you can be happily surprised and enjoy his company…with no emotional burden to you; because you will not expect him coming, you will not be disappointed if he cancels his visit.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Is Passive Aggression Sabotaging Your Proyects?

July 19, 2009 By

How would you like to hear other peoples’ experiences? Perhaps I can invite you to peep over the shoulder, as this wife tells her own experience with a passive aggressive husband?

“Once upon a time, I was a very patient, loving, confident, creative, happy, cheerful, accomplished woman and now I am angry, frustrated, unhappy, confused. I always believed that my cheerful optimism would bring my husband up – he says it’s what attracted him, what he wanted to have and be…all he has done is to kill my spirit with passive resistance, punishing me and doing constant covert abuse (verbal, and emotional).

He tries to control me (he has preferences about everything from my clothes to the brand of toilet paper I buy, expresses disapproval whenever I am happy doing my own thing – discouraged my career, my garden, my writing until I lost pleasure and passion and quit so he would stop making me feel bad like I am all about “fluff”…things that don’t matter.

My self-esteem is so low I just want to jump off the nearest bridge.”

As you’re sitting there in front of your computer reading this very personal letter, I can imagine you matching this frustrating marital experience to yours…and finding lots of points in common.

Perhaps you are focusing on this special point:

“He is always irritated and shows his strongest disapproval whenever I am happy doing my own thing.”

As you become aware of this aspect, perhaps the feelings well up in you: disappointment, loneliness, frustration at his lack of support. It’s not only that he doesn’t share your loves, the problem is that he can attack your projects immediately just because you love them!

Of course, you have gone through some advice on how to deal with passive aggressive husbands, and you know that you must not allow him to dictate everything that you should or not should do.

Before getting to that, perhaps you have the deep courage to look at the loneliness where his contempt leaves you. If you married with the normal hope of having a partner to do life affirming activities together, and to have fun together, his present sardonic resistance is leaving you alone, and frustrated and somehow angry at the deception. You need a companion that has fun at the same things you have fun at, so both can enjoy them.

If there is a need for him not to do things with you, because work commitments or other problems, perhaps you can accept that, and your trust is maintained.

What really is disconcerting and sad is his ability to destroy the things you love, so you are left without his company and without the activities you love to do and have fun at.

As you recognize now the impact that his attitude is having in reducing your world by destroying your capacity to enjoy doing some activities, think of the future. Who would you be in the next future if this behavior continues? A wife having such a “low self esteem that you would be ready to jump off the nearest bridge?”

Before you get to this point, you probably think that there is something you can do to protect your love of life….there are many things you can do to recover your self. At this time, what is possible here is to tell you that you are right in your feelings of being abandoned by your husband not sharing now the same things that made him fell in love with you…and restricting or destroying your enjoyment of funny things to do.

It’s a difficult task, but while looking at the situation as it is, and not denying this impact on you, you are taking your first step to recovery.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080806140957AAYXU8O

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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