Repair work in a marriage is easy!

April 1, 2011 By

In some situations, when coaching is really the necessary tool to overcome being stuck in marital conflict, we can see that even passive aggressive husbands appreciate having an opportunity to play in a new, honest way.

Having the opportunity to learn new behaviors, -and the constant support of a conflict coach-, some husbands discover that abandoning passive aggression is the right thing to do, and share a sense of satisfaction with their change.

What is the exact moment when they discover that they can change? Perhaps after spending too much time in confrontational positions, something extra clicks….it is the “repair work talk” that gets the job done.

After reviewing the obstacles for accepting their equal share of responsibility for the maintenance of the marriage, the conversation gets to the fact that so many years spent fighting leaves people with little hope. The light comes when we talk about doing some relationship repair work…

What is that work? a silent commitment to do little things for the other; things that nobody is asking for, but make life sweeter…Someone is filling your gas tank when you forgot to do it, and it’s getting late; doing some household chores without being asked to; leaving small gifts around…They are easy behaviors because you are not forced to do anything; because it shows that you, (yes, you!) were looking around and thinking: how can I make this situation more pleasurable? how can I bring joy to this house?

No need to apologize, to accept defeat, to submit, but a quiet acceptance of the fact that you live there too, and that you accept that the happiness of this marriage is also your responsibility. Being generous not only confuses your “enemy” and throws the marital battle plan to the waste dump, it also allows a truce in the emotional battle so both can see each other in a new light.

Neil Warner
Neil Warner
I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by offering you a conflict coaching session.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , ,

His Silence Can Hurt Your Marriage!

February 28, 2011 By

When you have a fight with your spouse, you can use different strategies to get your point across. You can yell, you can calmly explain your point of view, or if you are feeling misunderstood, offended or upset you can withdraw into stony silence.

If we look at long term impact of these different communication strategies, we can see that they have different consequences. We can yell and apologize later, which eases the situation into normal dialogue; we can yell and continue using names and aggressive four letter words on our spouse. Is it effective venting? you bet! is it conducive to marital happiness. NO… you come across as impulsive, aggressive without self-control and it makes the other person fearful of raising important issues and cower in his/her own hole. In the end, it destroys trust and communication is reduced to a minimum.

You can explain your point of view in a calm view. If the other side is upset, perhaps she can see you as cold and detached; and perhaps the crying can escalate up to the point where you show some feelings and console her. From here on, we are back into normal communication. You still have the satisfaction of being able to share your ideas in a way that is not threatening or insulting or damaging the relationship.

What happens when you withdraw from interchanges with your spouse? you are trying to send a message of being offended and/or hurt, and it can come across as such in the beginning. However, a long term withdrawal signals a complete emotional detachment and confirms that there is no life in the marital bond….there is a very high price to pay because it is known that high rates of divorce are attributed to one spouse’s withdrawal from daily communications.

Is there a gender difference in the use of this strategies?

Over the course of marriage, women may be more likely to recognize that withdrawing from conflict or using destructive strategies is neither effective nor beneficial to the overall well-being and stability of their marriages.

They tend more and more to extend an olive branch and start any kind of verbal negotiation, only to keep the conversation going. In short, they usually learn that withdrawal doesn’t work.

Husbands tend to use this tactic in the same proportion through the years, and doing so send the message that they do not care about reconnecting verbally with their spouses, so deepening the chasm between them in a non-recoverable way.

What are they trying to protect with the silence? their privacy? their hurt self-esteem? Whatever the reason, this is a sure way to destroy any bridges of understanding and mutual support… it converts the marriage in a silent partnership which makes no one happy.

Would you like to have more information? Go to the scientific publication!

 

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Now you can even get in touch with a complimentary coaching session! So, what are you waiting for?
Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Break Through his Silence Wall

February 18, 2011 By

Understanding passive aggression is not as hard as it seems. Many experts will try to explain passive aggression in official definitions like this:

“Passive-aggression is a personality trait that is marked by a persistent negativity and passive resistance to responsibilities and cooperation.”

However, we’d like to offer a better, more simple explanation that works to not only help you understand what’s going on during a fight, but also what is going on in the passive aggressive man’s mind.

What she sees What he sees
He is not including me in the decisions of the relationship. I’m weighing options and making the best decisions.
He refuses to contribute to projects. There are many good reasons for not joining in – others are expecting too much of me, are not smart enough, are not fair enough.
He is late for things important to me; just as I ask his help for a project, he will promise support and then sabotage my project She’s too demanding, too controlling with my time – she needs to be more flexible. I have other commitments. (“I’ll show her who is in control”)
He breaks his promises: says he will do something and then nothing happens, no communication about when task will get done, nothing…and when I ask questions about the project, he explodes! I’ll do it when I have time. She’s asking too much from me, to have it done now.
I have to pull things out of him. She’s invading my privacy; she’ll use what I say against me later or take it the wrong way.

What we see is that within the relationship, the wife and the husband each have different perceptions of their roles (the man feels he’s doing his duty by making the decisions, and the woman feels she’s not getting a say). In a healthy marriage, the two people can eventually calm down from a conflict, confront each other in a respectful way, and find out who did what that hurt the other. This creates gradual growth and mutual learning.

When the husband is passive aggressive, however, there is no learning or growth. A confrontation that goes like, “Well, do you see why I’m angry?” will end like, “Why are you accusing me? I’m not doing anything wrong, this is all because you don’t love me.” His sudden desire to get away usually leads to silent treatment and emotional withdrawal.

The cycle continues, and what we have are a husband and wife with two very different ideas about what a marriage is!

It’s useless to try to convince him to try to communicate better, in this case. You need strategies to address this person, and make this person focus. A third party always works best for getting these strategies started, until eventually the two of you learn how to do it on your own.

Ready to get started? Click HERE to visit Conflict Coach and receive your free coaching session! Don’t let the cycle continue… break through to him and get your marriage back!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Having A Passive Aggressive Valentine? Go Figure!

February 9, 2011 By

Everybody wants to have a happy Valentine’s Day with their loved one, and yet if you have marital problems, this seemingly simple aspiration seems to become a vast challenge, even a test. How could you have a good Valentine’s Day if your husband is often sulking and has a tendency to forget making plans or get you a present for this particular day? You might even be ready for disappointment thinking that he will forget the day!

You can still enjoy the day, and I don’t mean that you should go and get a massage for yourself and then have some lonely chocolate (although that would be a nice and well-deserved treat). You can use this opportunity to be the one romancing your husband, and giving him a pleasant surprise, for men often complain about how they are the ones supposed to do all the work around this occasion.

You can prepare his favorite meal or invite him to a restaurant. Make it a date and do not pressure him into being in charge. Tell him how nice and sharp he looks; remind him of the things you love about him and of one or two things he has done recently that you appreciate.

You should be honest and affectionate with your comments, so that he feels recognized and appreciated. For the sake of the holiday and of the reasons why you are doing this (because you love your husband, because you want to have a good day, etc.) avoid criticizing him. Keep in mind that if you criticize him, he’ll feel attacked and will be likely to start deflecting blame via clamming up… do not let this happen because then you could start to get upset and if your temper gets the best of you, then an argument will ensue and two things will happen: one, that your husband will have “further proof” that you easily lose control and that it is you who is abusive, and two, that you will end up with exactly the bad memory of a Valentine’s day that you were seeking to avoid.

Remember that passive-aggressive people are not the most willing to apologize for their mistakes, so avoid this conundrum.

It might seem like a lot to ask, but you could actually benefit from giving him a little something. Yes, a present. It does not have to be the newest, most expensive set of tools out in the market, but something simple and well thought-out. Here you are tapping into his desire to be recognized and the surprise value that it would have.

Now, here is the most challenging part of this proposal… after all the work that organizing a date can represent, and particularly if you have difficulties with managing confrontations… you should not expect anything in exchange for the date. Detach yourself from any expectation.

I can hear you groaning….Why this part of the recommendation is here? Don’t you deserve some appreciation also? Because in this way you are freeing him to be himself, not forced by a compulsory tit for tat behavior…So you are giving him a chance to relax and let his guard down, perhaps even talk to you more openly. Wouldn’t that be a better Valentine’s gift than a bunch of soon-to-wither flowers?

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me.
Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How to Deal with Your Passive Aggressive Ex-Husband

February 4, 2011 By

In general, you need to remember that how parents work with each other after divorce has an impact on how well children will manage. And you do care about how your children develop later in life, and want them to navigate this divorce with the least amount of harm possible.

It is important to respect your children’s need to love and develop positive relationships with both parents. If you promote good will in your relationship with your PA ex-husband, you will be investing in your children’s happiness and success in life.

If you are still angry with each other over past circumstances and allow these feelings to affect your current relationship, co-parenting will be difficult. You need to be willing to help each other in times of crises and stress, regardless of the divorce.

Stop being an enemy and focusing on the negative experiences of the marriage and divorce. Remember that this attitude will force your children to side with one or the other parent. Even if your actual sense of justice would demand to anihilate the other parent image in the minds of your children, this hurts them. Leave the past behind and resolve to have a compassionate attitude if only to help your children grow without damage.

What are the specific challenges that you can find with a person that behaved in a passive aggressive way with you? That he can resist any of your positive comments or requests about the children, right? So, how can you develop a way of negotiation with him that helps the communication to work?

  1. Ask for help in a way that will make him feel appreciated and in control (more in control of things than I am).
  2. If necessary, when asking for something, or in general, tell him specifically “I don’t want to control you, I just want your help.”
  3. When confronting him, do it gently and say “We don’t need to blame each other.  I need your help in solving this.”
  4. Be aware that the silent treatment will probably continue sometimes because he “needs” to punish you. Just ignore this, and send your kind messages once again.
  5. Clarify with each other what’s expected in your relationship and what feels comfortable when interacting. He might need a very clear set of rules with little negotiation, at the beginning.You can be more flexible later.
  6. Refrain from name-calling or bad language when referring to your former spouse, particularly in front of the children.
  7. Ask yourself always if what you are doing is in the best interest of the children.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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