Passive Aggressive Husband » communication

Is he always fighting against your ideas?

alfaprima — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 15:52:15 +0000

When I feel that he is “Always Fighting against My Ideas,” the dream I’m yearning for is… team work.

There were some responses (58%) telling about this dream situation:

1. “My dream is to feel that I am half of a whole: he supports me, I support him, and together we make one whole couple work. I want someone who challenges and encourages me in equal measure, making me a better person. He doesn’t have to indulge my every idea – just support the truly good ones and gently disagree with the not-so-great ones. I want a teammate, someone who will work with me. My greatest regret is that my husband has not been as invested in our children as I wished, nor supported me in my efforts towards them, but always coming with a contrary idea that leaves me alone and confused.”

2. “I have learned that the more I push for something, the more he pulls away from it. So, I have left ideas of moving in together, even after a year of dating, in the back of my mind. Outwardly, I show him that the idea completely disinterests me now. If he would be open to ideas and be willing to talk about things even when they scare him, I wouldn’t have to hide my dreams in the shadows.”

3. “What I need is for my husband to let me know that he thinks my ideas and opinions are valid and well founded. Otherwise, he’s not treating me as his partner or his ally; he’s treating me as an enemy, as someone to be dismissed. He’s telling me that I don’t have the right to make decisions or have input.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to work with you?

• “He makes me feel that we are on the same team. We both want resolution and compromise, so we both give ideas while being open to new ones.”
• “Even if he does not agree with my every idea, he appreciates the creativity and resourcefulness that go into them, and encourages me to stay motivated.”
• “He doesn’t rush – he listens carefully and tries hard to see things from my point of view.”
• “Since we listen well to each other, we realized that we share a lot of common ideas.”
• “When I have a good idea, he is quick to acknowledge it and work with me to make it happen. When he disagrees, he gives me an honest opinion; not a derogatory one.”

I simply need to feel supported by him.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel supported by him, the person nearer you…how are you going to find the direct and clear support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How far do you think you can go without his explicit words of recognition and support, being him the most important person in your life? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his lack of recognition of your best ideas that forces you to feel incompetent and worthless? Where is the motivation to keep developing yourself coming from?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Is he always fighting against your ideas? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Is he Frequently Sabotaging Your Projects?

alfaprima — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 16:00:32 +0000

When I feel that he is
“Sabotaging My Projects,” the dream I’m yearning for is… unconditional support.

Some of the responses, 75% of them expressed dreams so:

1. “I need to know that I have a partner who cares! When you truly love someone, you want what’s best for them; you want to see them spread their wings and try to fly. Helping them with the things that matter to them is never a burden. Most importantly, loving someone means you wouldn’t dream of sabotaging their projects; their dreams. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what my husband has done, and almost all of my projects have been ruined by him.”

2. “More than anything, I desire the freedom and confidence to take on even the hardest projects. Instead of criticizing me or telling me I can’t do it, he should be cheering me on, letting me know that he’s proud of me. I know that I am strong enough to succeed without his help… But success would be so much more gratifying if I knew that he had been there to encourage me through my struggles.”

3. “I want to know that we don’t have to compete against one another and argue about whose project or needs are more ‘important’. I wish we could slow down, lean on each other more, and simply enjoy our time together. Who knows, maybe we would even get excited about each other’s important projects!”

In what other ways would you know that he supports you?

• “I know I can count on his support when I need it, no matter what it is I require.”

• “My husband cares enough to do something simply because he knows it’s important to me.”

• “He is with me every step of the way, but he also respects my space and gives me time to develop my projects.”

• “It is a back and forth conversation: I give him my full support, and he returns the gesture.”

• “He takes a real, genuine interest in the things I want to do.”

I simply need to feel respected.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be respected, included and supported in your life struggles by the person most near you…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his way of denying support to your projects, and request from him the reciprocal support that is the core of any marriage? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his negativity and lack of support that forces you to give your battles always alone and with an extra handicap of fearing him stabbing you in the back?

Neil Warner

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Are You Receiving Cold Shoulder Treatment?

alfaprima — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:51:02 +0000

When I feel he is “Giving Me the Cold Shoulder,” the dream I’m yearning for is… warmth.

Some 78% of the responses expressed:

1. “Although no one should ever be given the cold shoulder, and I don’t agree with him giving it to me, I still want to know why he thinks I deserve it. Better yet, if I do something wrong and hurt him, I want him to simply come to me and say, ‘You hurt me.’ I would do everything in my power to right my wrong, if only I knew what it was.”

2. “I want there to be warmth in our relationship instead of this coldness that he’s created by turning me away. It would make me so happy to be able to say to each other, ‘Honey, I am upset because of this or that, but I still love you.’”

3. “I am allowed to express my feelings as long as they are in agreement with his. If they are not, I am isolated for them and given the cold shoulder. I want to feel that I am worth something to him, that I will never be ignored. I want to feel that I am part of a special institution – marriage – and not an orphan looking longingly through the window.”

In what other ways would you know that he would never turn his back on you?

• “I feel like I made a good choice when I married him. I can count on him for anything.”

• “He tries hard to keep a good mood and move on with the day, even if we run into a snag.”

• “I know that I am the last person on earth he would turn his back to.”

• “We have everything we need to be happy and comfortable. He would never jeopardize that by weakening our connection.”

• “When he’s upset, he never jumps to conclusions and blames me. We sit down together and talks things out until we find the real reasons.”

• “He makes me feel wanted and loved in a personal, intimate way.”

• “It would break his heart to know he had made me cry.”

I simply need his open heart, loving me.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be loved, included and helped by healthy confrontation when is needed…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his isolating himself and giving you the cold shoulder, and educate him into proper and respectful communication that solves problems and expresses love and commitment at the same time?

Neil Warner

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How do you dream to have your emotional needs satisfied?

alfaprima — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:48:46 +0000

Days ago, we invited you to answer a survey about your dreams of happiness in a relationship. There were several questions, of which this is the first. We will publish the others shortly. Here are your answers, expressing a deeply felt dream in this way:

When “My Emotional Needs are Ignored,” the dream I’m yearning for is…being cherished as his partner.

“My dream is that he would show a willingness to address my emotional needs. He does not recognize and address my needs, even though I do so for him, and this creates a lonely feeling of dissatisfaction. Ideally, he would WANT to do this instead of denying that he may be causing my lack of fulfillment.”

“I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who cares enough to listen when I need something and try to help. I’m not asking for someone perfect who will give me riches and rose petals on the bed… just someone who loves me enough to make me feel loved. With my PA husband, I feel that he gives me the exact opposite of the things I need: loneliness, lack of affection, and punishment for wanting more.”

“My emotional needs should be important to my partner, even if he does not understand why. If I communicate my needs, I expect him to try to meet them, not undermine how I feel. He may say “They matter, you matter,” but that shouldn’t be said, it should be proven. Is it too much to ask that he try to make me happy?”

IN WHAT OTHER WAYS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS ARE SATISFIED?

“He feels good when satisfying my emotional needs!”
“He notices that I’m upset and wants to discuss it or proposes an agreement on how we can both be satisfied.”
“He can listen to my needs description without hostility, and with keen interest.”
“He makes me feel heard, loved, cared for, by kissing and hugging me.”
“I hear him saying, “I’m sorry,” “I’m gonna try my best,” “I love you”…”
“He cares about my emotional happiness and is eager that we both be fullfilled in our marriage.”
“I makes me feel like I matter; that my thoughts, ideas, and feelings are respected and valued rather than ignored, minimized, or rejected.”
“My emotions are okay with him and don’t change his perception of me.”
“He never issues emotional threats that devalue me.”
“I simply need to be loved, validated and respected.”
“He makes me feel my emotional needs are as important as his or anyone else’s. Every human being needs these things to feel a connection to the good in the world.”

WELL, this is a lot of food for thought, right? as always, you can chip in any time, with your comments or letters…Now, wait for the next one!

Neil Warner

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What are your dreams of a healthy, happy relationship?

alfaprima — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 03:43:21 +0000

Reflecting on the conversations going on at AskNora, we can see the common pattern of suffering described by the writers. Each one has a story where her own hopes of a happy life were thwarted by passive aggressive behavior. They were left in what looked like a marriage, but was a well of frustration and loneliness instead.

Indeed, each house is a different world. In each couple there are behaviors done, and behaviors missing. And a lot of time waiting for happiness to come back, to be just in the center of this relationship….We know a lot of what makes you unhappy;
we know less of what is missing; what would you make happier.

If we look at the experience of “walking on eggshells,” we see that it is too common in the shared stories. If you had not to walk on eggshells, what would you like to experience instead of that behavior? What is the opposite experience that makes you feel secure and accepted?

If you identify with being in the receiving end of “Getting the cold shoulder?” what would you like instead, that offers you the opposite experience? how do you dream the feeling of having a partner that shares ideas and thinking and planning with you, and how does it make you feel?

We invite you here to share your thoughts. Please, look at the litany of passive aggressive behaviors our readers suffer and are describing in their postings at AskNora, check the ones that you recognize as part of your life….and feel free to describe what your soul wants instead. Nobody but you knows what is what would you feel right, loved and supported, so use your own words to describe what you want to have in your life now.

You can begin your comment by saying:

“Instead of this behavior (fill the blank here) what I really need/want/appreciate is this other behavior!” (describe your heart’s desire here)

Thanks for sharing!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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Real passive aggressive husband stories!

alfaprima — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 15:18:43 +0000

We have this exciting partnership with this blog: PAdontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com

and some days ago I sent to Ladybeams, its owner, a 10 questions survey to answer. She posted the questions in her own site, and the answers are coming, strong and clear.

There is a lot that you can learn going through other women’s experiences, right? I want to invite you by posting here one of the completed answers, totally anonymous, of course. I will publish the others in short notice…

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND STORY NUMBER 1:

1) How long did it take for you to realize his/her idea of sharing a marriage was different than yours? that he/she was on another wavelength? What was your “aha” moment?

It took me a LOOOONG time (14 years) to fully comprehend that this was the way things were going to STAY. We had a baby together 9 years into our relationship; that was my ‘aha’ moment; co-parenting with a passive aggressive brings a whole new set of circumstances into play.

What or how did you feel about that?

I’m embarrassed about it. There were so many, many, many things that I should have paid attention to- but I was to busy RESCUING HIM and HELPING HIM and BEING THERE FOR HIM. Bleck. I take my accountability for it – I stayed too long, allowed too much, hoped for some sort of change and payoff for WAY TOO LONG.

2) Why do you think this man/woman is in your life? Do you think it was “an act of God” or something in him/her triggered something in you? Can you link a trait in you or in him/her that attracted you strongly enough to marry him/her?

I am guilty of ‘career spillover’. I work in a career of helping people. I spend my whole workday on the mindset of ‘help this kid get this done and help this kid make this change’. I thought it was great that my PA guy and I had this relationship where I was ‘helping’ him. Helping him, cheering him on, supporting him… what attracted me to him was what ‘could be’ not what actually ‘was’. I say now he is like a giant slot machine or a junk bond; you never truly get back what you put in but you spend a lot of ‘hope coins’ on it.

3) How did you deal with the mismatch between your ideal marriage and what you got? was there a learning process?

I learned, and I evolved. I got divorced and I attended therapy to unravel from the marriage relationship. We have a kid so I had to change my interactions with him to work toward holding him accountable for his co-parenting responsibilities. I’ve learned A TON.

4) What would you say is the worst aspect of being involved with a passive aggressive partner/spouse is? (anger, loneliness, ?) When do you feel it the most?

I was very, very angry for a few years because it really sucks to invest all that into a person (relationship) and have it iliterally ignored and dismissed, but this last year has been like a brand new life – really what it feels like is that I’m finally back to the ‘me’ that I was prior to him; grounded, independent and stable. I can say this (shout it actually) I’m LESS LONELY alone than I was married to a PA. In a marriage, you EXPECT intimacy, etc. so when it’s absent you feel so very ‘cheated’ of it. The hardest part now is knowing that I’ll never get to experience co-parenting with someone who isn’t playing emotional dodgeball. Tackling every issue regarding parenting is like negotiating with a sullen teenager.

5) Of all the strategies you’ve tried to change their passive aggressive behavior or your situation, which was the most useful? What was the silliest?

Best strategy EVER – disengage emotionally and deal with each issue with facts, expectations that are measurable, and document, document, document. I now do most of my communication with him either through non-emotional email (i.e. ‘I paid this amount of money for this item for our kid; you have paid this amount of money for that item. OR ‘You stated this … and the follow through is ….) or I communicate with him in front of a third party; counselor or judge. Sticking to the facts, disengaging emotionally, and stating the good things when they happen has been productive.

6) If you’re planning on staying with this passive aggressive partner/spouse, how do you see your own personal development in the future?

I didn’t stay married to him, but have remained in a co-parenting relationship with him. I’ve come a LONG way baby and I anticipate that my future is full of more of the same direct, nonemotional, documented interactions.

7) Do you think you have some special powers to deal with him/her, some special understanding? What “powers” or understanding would that be?

I know I’m the only one who has ever actually ‘tackled’ the PA behaviors of him; all others in his life simply give up or just circumvent him because it’s so exhausting to try and actually stand toe to toe with him on a responsibility he’s thwarted. Most just go dormant, go away, or get PA themselves! I don’t have that option; we have a child together and he has responsibilities to uphold.

And what about your needs? how do you feed your needs for love and connection, for recognition and for continuous personal growth?

I find them elsewhere – and it’s glorious when that finally ‘clicks’ – when you finally move on from the ‘slot machine’- there’s a giant, glorious world out there!

9) What is his/her weakest aspect, the one that endears him/her to you (and possibly makes you stay to help him/her, or makes you feel guilty about leaving).

I always say that my time with him was akin to being a frog placed in a pot of water- there’s that saying that a frog placed in water that is slowly, slowly heated up will sit there until it is boiled to death. That’s life with a PA. It happens so slowly; things get less comfortable and more harmful for the partner at a very slow pace so by the time I started to feel the ‘wait, this doesn’t feel good; this doesn’t feel BALANCED’ – I was already in scalding water but blamed myself!
A PA’s greatest ‘weapon’ is TIME. You invest all this TIME and energy and devotion and commitment into this person and this person’s happiness that you feel like you have to stay. Ultimately, you need to leave the slot machine and cut your losses; that machine ain’t never gonna pay out.

10) What about the future? How do you see old age for the two of you? What about you if he/she continues to frustrate some of your present needs now? How are you going to replace what he/she is not providing for the shared life of you two?

I have a great future ahead. Old age for me includes travel, family and enjoyment of the world. Him? Beats me. Right now the path he’s chosen includes more of the same patterns for him… someone else took over my seat at the slot machine.

AMAZING ANSWERS, RIGHT? Here we have intelligent women telling it as it it for them. Would you like to learn from them?
There is always more help to deal with passive aggressive husbands!

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The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband

alfaprima — Thu, 06 May 2010 07:05:00 +0000

Sometimes in life, decisions are not so clear cut. You know that you are not completely happy, but for different reasons you decide to stay and make the best of the situation you are in. Or you have young children at home, and you think they need the complete family around…whatever your situation, you have chosen for the moment to stay where you are.

How do you manage there? how to keep your self-esteem intact and growing? how to feel good regardless his negative comments?

You need some tools to help you manage a passive aggressive husband without despair!

How could you get more help? Beyond reading all the advice online, adding to the reflections you find here, perhaps you need special help, and you can find it in our ebook: “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.”

Remember, you have a lot of phone and email support once you get your own copy of this ebook. You can talk with me, or send an email, or share in whatever form your issue, and we will provide a solution, ideas, and warm support. You will not feel alone in tis uphill battle to keep your sanity in the middle of a passive aggressive marriage.

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Resisting passive aggressive actions…

alfaprima — Wed, 05 May 2010 15:54:43 +0000

There is a nice letter asking to comment on “resistance activities” as in, “how can I resist one of my husband’s favorite tricks, such as over-promising and never delivering”?

Perhaps there is a way…Given that passive-aggressive people generally operate most effectively when they are in one-on-one conversations, its spell is contingent upon intimate conversations, one to one. In this tight environment, anyone can twist, deny, change what they said. What if we get a witness?

If no one is around to hear the conversation, no one will be able to support your account of what him or you agreed upon. Likely, you will scratch your head and wonder what just happened with his promises, and have to start from square one again when the progress you were expecting has not been achieved.

The two-step solution?

a) Have either a witness or a record:

Make sure you either have a witness with you in all major discussions (those requiring accountability),
or that you reduce your discussions/agreements to writing (emails), or that you take some notes of the meeting and keep them handy. Passive-aggressive people cannot manipulate black and white facts, and this method will expose the one who manipulated the situation.

b) Confront:
If you feel strong enough, it is wise to tactfully confront the passive-aggressive spouse and share the facts with him as you have recorded. He may not stop his passive aggressive behavior completely, but if he knows that you are on to checking the facts, he will be far less likely to try it on you again. And it will help your brain not to get confused by his messages.

Neil Warner

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Is loving your PA husband wasted love?

norafem — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 20:32:34 +0000

After all those married years, one fine morning the view got projected into your vision, and you discovered the real name of this empty, cold and disappointing relationship. You understood that you have spent your married life in this barren state of mind that is a passive aggressive marriage.

Lost are the initial illusions of intimacy, support and warmth. You had to learn to survive in a battle field of empty promises, cold shoulders and general loneliness. The abandonment scenario has been there all the time, it’s only now that you get to really see it….

What are you going to do now? How can you reconcile this reality, the same you’ve been denying all these years, with your needs? And, even a deeper question pops up: how are you going to see your own history up until now, as one of wasted love or something else?

You are confronted now with a fork in the road. One side takes you to the usual path: deny the loneliness, the love starvation you have been up until now; the other fork of the road takes you in a new direction.

Are you going to begin to be true to yourself? Have you won the right to say your truth, no matter what happens? Stop walking on egg shells and say out loud: “this is too lonely for me, and I need something different?”

This point is really also a breakthrough for the marriage. If sometimes the spouse of a PA person puts up with a lot, and in the process developing a deep resentment never addressed, getting to the moment of truth frees you from this tacit contract.

You are not supposed to continue going along with the charade that his behavior is enough company, enough support, enough love. It’s the time to learn how not to be silent, how to be aggressive in the good sense, and begin asking for what you really need.

Being assertive means that you know your needs; know that what he gives you is not enough food four your heart and soul, and that you need this time a real satisfaction of your needs for connection, love and respect.

And the old way of yielding to his sour mood in order to please him, to only keep the peace? it’s gone with the wind; you can’t sustain that pretense any longer. Your own integrity is demanding that now, for the first time, you have to put your own needs first…and follow through.

It doesn’t matter if he gets furious; it doesn’t matter if he goes into a hostile silence that lasts six weeks…your own integrity demands now that you’d be coherent with yourself. If there is something you need to do to procure more company, recognition, or support outside of the marriage, now is the moment of reaching out to your friends and family, and change your past response of accommodating to his passive aggression to one of self-assertion.

And, what happens with our basic question: was your love for him a wasted love? Of course not! it was only your own process of getting to love yourself first, which took some time to develop.

How come? Let’s see….How often did you put up with his rejection, only to be able to continue believing that you were part of a couple? Your being accepting of his quirkiness, wasn’t it also your need not to be alone, and to avoid getting other person angry at you?

In life, the more we prostitute ourselves for acceptance, the less we are accepted; in comparison with the price you paid, there was never any real appreciation, any real acceptance. This is your lesson.

If and when you are back into the person you really are, you will see that the learnings are deep: from now on, you know what do you want in life; you are not afraid of expressing your needs, and you also know that, as you did your individual spiritual development, he has to do his own process…

Who knows what is inside him and needs to be expressed, instead of his constant sulking? Whatever it is, now it is only his business…This is not your business any longer!

You did your best, and learned your lesson…Now, can you take the new, not the old road and see where it takes you to? It could be pretty educational, and also fun!

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How to enjoy Valentine’s Day!

alfaprima — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 20:23:32 +0000

Let me tell you something…the deep wish under all this Valentine’s Day claptrap is something we don’t dare to mention the rest of the year:

TO HAVE A SECURE BUT EXCITING LOVE RELATIONSHIP!

How do you combine the two things?

Secure is boring….exciting is dangerous….so what gives?

For the rest of us, ensconced in a healthy but boring routine, we pay a high price for security. The excitement of the novelty is gone, and we learn to appreciate routine as a safety blanket, only punctured here and there by the occasional fight. We can be secure like this the rest of the year…why is this invention of a Valentine’s Day coming to challenge our security?

Because we do remember! Before the fights, the cold shoulders and the dissapointments, there was excitement! When you fall in love, there are certain chemical changes in your brain that make all your vital perspectives shift into high gear, where the world is brightest and we are soaring in it. You feel the love in all your cells. Your pulse quickens, and your heart beats faster, and the feeling of anticipation of good things to comer is all over you.

Every time we produce a feeling or a thought, we can be sure that it is based on a chemical track in our brain. The love excitement felt by the chemicals in the brain is highly addictive! And we all need that burst of dopamine in the brain that makes us feel alive, excited, connected and successful…

Now you wonder where all this excitement is gone…some days it looks like everything is dull and gray, and the only hightened feeling is either boredom or fear. What can you do to feel better in Valentine’s Day?

Of course, the first suggestion should be to try to change the dynamics with your spouse, inviting him to do something different which can take both out of the dulling routine. This suggestion is only to be followed if there is a bit of reciprocal trust left.

You need to trust that your partner will not use this opportunity to damage you again. If you think that is safe, let’s talk about how you can get the Valentine feeling back.

You need to generate in your brain (and his) the dopamine-producing activity: both of you need to do something together that is completely new for both.

This new activity, being it visiting a new place, learning ballroom dancing, or joining a new group activity will provide the challenge to the brain to begin producing the results you expect.

Be sure that you are relaxed and confident that, if the attempt does not give you the results you want (re-connecting him with you) you’ll have a safe way to go back to your home. The best disposition is not to expect too much, but just do it for the sake of Valentine’s Day! And don’t forget to bring some chocolate!

Neil Warner

How to enjoy Valentine’s Day! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Is loving your PA husband wasted love? After all those married years, one fine morning the view...
Why secrecy is part of passive aggression? One of the poster wrote this suggestion in our site:...

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