It was really surprising for us to begin receiving letters from the wives, just telling about their experience taking the test! Yes, they are taking the test in place of their husbands…using his very frequent responses she can play the game of being him for the test and finish it. And receive the answer…

Why are they doing this? Because they need answers! What we find now is that receiving this answer can be very liberating…today, some wife wrote about:“My epiphany day!” Hear her words:

“Actually, I just did the test, in the way that i see my husband. Been married nearly 38 years. I’ve been reading on your site, and what a HUGE revelation. I’ve always seen him as passive aggressive, even though i really didn’t know the definitive meaning of that word; but just the sounds of it, fits him.

I’ve always seen him as Mr. sabotager; did a lot of reading today..OMG…it hasn’t been my imagination; it explains almost everything. In so many ways, I have seen that I married a man who is still emotionally a child.

But I have figured out enough, finally, that this is not because of me; this is his problem; I was always told that everything is my problem and that I’m ungrateful…on and on the story goes.

But reading the test results today, it feels like the veil has been lifted from my eyes; mainly that there really is a name for this behavior…”

So, you are using the test as a tool to validate your own perceptions! And in this process, you are having what this reader shared with us in her letter: a GLORIOUS, REVEALING “EPIPHANY DAY”!

What are the three products of this epiphany?

• You are out of the brain fog;
• You stop blaming yourself;
• You recover your own mind!

And, last but not least, now you can recover your own power: the power of your ideas: the power of thinking clearly and trust your brain again.

NOW: having an epiphany is good, but it’s frightening if you don’t know whatever you are going to do with this insight:

• You could use this information to kick the table off;
• You could use this new info as a permission to fight back;
• Or you could use this power to redefine the rules of the game.

NOW WHAT? women in the situation like you are in, are probably looking for guidance for their next step. Where to leads the road ahead…?

Is it true that you need help to be able to see the next steps? Or perhaps what you only needed was having some external tool to clarify your mind, recover your power of planning your own life and now you can continue your path by yourself?

We will be waiting for your answers…meanwhile, you too can take the test, use what you know about your husband’s motivations to do what he usually does when answering the questions, and get the response you need so much. Go ahead, take the passive aggressive test….we will be waiting for you here!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult, angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Women like you are taking the passive aggressive test: you are not alone! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Sometimes we hear about the challenges that passive aggression and other defensive behaviors have on marriages, but we fail to connect these present, adult behavior failures with the past conditioning produced in us by the family we grew up with.

So now we have a wife who is totally confused and blindsided by the spouse’s behavior, and that frustrated wife erroneously connects her husband’s unhappiness and their current problem to something she either did or didn’t do.

In short, the present spouse makes herself responsible for her husband’s behavior, and in taking this weight on, she tries to find the reason of the communication failure, so she can “heal it.”

Nobody enters into a relationship with a disclaimer, or an instruction letter that would make it easier for the wife to know the territory she is entering. If such a letter did exist, the instructions on how to deal with a passive aggressive husband would begin with capital letters:

“THIS IS A CONDITION YOU DID NOT CAUSE~

YOU CAN’T NEITHER CURE OR CONTROL IT,”

NOW, can you  stop blaming yourself!”

Wouldn’t that kind of disclaimer be a god-sent message? It would save so much pain, grief and time… which of course translates into lost happiness. Together in this blindness is the passive aggressive spouse, who will support to his death the conviction that his behavior is normal and everybody else is “too demanding” or “needy” or whatever way he uses to describe a wife with emotional needs going unsolved.

Let me recap: if you are in a passive aggressive relationship, take a step back and frame everything under this mantra: I did not cause his condition, I can’t cure him and the best I can do is not to take personally anything of the hurtful behaviors he is doing now.

When it gets hard, remind yourself:

Whatever he is doing now,

• it is his only way of responding; he doesn’t know better;
• it is the response he learned with his primary care-taker or mother;
• your best way of protecting yourself is letting the behavior go away without engaging on it. Just ignore it.

Now that you have this vital piece of information, what are you going to do?

Certainly not try to change him yourself. That role lies with him whose behavior it is! To encourage him to take his own behavior into his own hands, we encourage passive aggressive husbands to take our Passive Aggressive Test. He will be guided to see for himself that these are his own behaviors (not yours or your responsibility). And YES, WE can help him change himself with the “6 Steps System to Stop Passive Aggression and Save your Marriage!”

The Three C’s of Passive Aggression is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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There are four main things a passive aggressive person will try to control or violate, in order to protect themselves from rejection and/or confrontation.

• The Right to Know
• The Right to Feel
• The Right to Have Impact
• The Right to Space

When he violates your right to know, he gives you unclear information, withholds information that you don’t “need” (like the finances), or gives you too little or too much information. With too little, you are left shaky and uncertain, realizing after he leaves that he didn’t really answer your question, or in fact made the situation look worse than you thought. This is where you may feel as if you’re expected to draw your own conclusions or “mind read.” With no information (“the silent treatment”) you feel like you’re walking on eggshells – or a mine field. When you are given too much information (anger attacks or blaming), you are not given time to speak, defend yourself, ask for clearer information, or set boundaries.

Your right to feel is violated when he tells you what you’re feeling, what you’re about to do or how you’re going to react. He may make claims about how you “always overreact” or how you’re just being “emotional.” He’ll make emotional demands about what not to feel (“Don’t cry”) or what you shouldn’t feel.

Crazy-making situations really start to show when your right to impact is violated. This is when he denies (by ignoring you, by overriding your needs with his own, by refusing to meet your needs) that you have an impact on his life. We measure our existence by how much impact we have on others, both physically and emotionally. If you feel like you don’t matter to him (don’t have an impact), it’s like being told you don’t exist at all! He can make this worse by “thinging” or objectifying you. He may treat you like a piece of furniture, coming to you only when he has certain physical needs. He may also deny your impact on him by denying contact – in other words, anything you say about his faults will bounce off and come back as something to use against you.

The last way he may violate your rights is to deny your right to space. In many ways, this is your right to individual power – the thing he wants you to have very little or none of. He may violate your right to emotional, physical, time, or mental space by saying that you doing x violates his right to do y (thus painting you out to be the bad guy, every time). For example, your right to be alone in your office violates his right to come visit you. Your right to have friends and family over violates his right to privacy and quiet. And so on, and so on.

These are the four main ways a passive aggressive husband exerts his crazy-making control over his partner and other people. Looking at them as your rights helps to understand this behavior as abusive – a denial of your personal rights to sanity and respect. Which of these ways is your husband using against you? More than one? Maybe all?

We encourage you to explore our blog, videos, and discussions (under “Ask Nora” and “Your Voice”) to learn more about these abusive behaviors and how to defend yourself against them. But for immediate action and sanity-saving help, please visit Coach Nora, and receive a free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Passive Aggression Abuses Your Rights is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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He has done a lot of the following behaviors to me:

• Saying he will do something and not doing it;
• Doing something half-assed, and then blaming me for attacking him when I confront him;
• Never taking responsibility for things that go wrong;
• Defiant against authority and social mores, always criticizing those who have power in church, government, at his job;
• Gets back at people secretively – like shooting the neighbors car with a BB gun and then denying having done it;
• Lying to save himself or avoid punishment;
• Having an affair and saying it was caused by me not giving him affection.

When I confront him about any of this, or god forbid confront him about being passive aggressive, he says I’m “out to make him wrong” (his hidden anger, from when his family would make him the scapegoat). And that’s where the conversation stops! If we’re unable to move beyond this communication wall, our relationship is going to end, and badly.

- Madeline

 

My husband and I have a lot of communication problems because of his passive aggression. He often forgets conversations we’ve had, denies they happened, or denies any fact from them that would make him wrong. I’ve taken to writing things down, repeating them verbatim, or printing email records to prove that I’m not as crazy as he says.

I feel like I can’t talk to him even then, because he’s continually passing judgement on what I’m thinking and doing at the moment, showing me that I don’t pass his evaluations and expectations.

It’s like a constant mental game of chess – I’m always on the defensive, while he thinks the opposite. Meanwhile, we shouldn’t be competing or playing games at all! Failure to communicate honestly and openly is breaking up our relationship.

- Eden

 

His passive aggression is making our lives hell. The simple things like saying “I’ll do this,” and then actually doing it, are lost. He uses his passive aggressive communication/language as a way to make me feel demanding (when he doesn’t do things he said he would) or abusive (confronting him about how many times he’s let me down).

He is bitter and jealous of anyone else’s achievements, and either criticizes them constantly or refuses to talk to them at all. He continually gripes about not being recognized for his hard work, when he’s not really putting in any more effort than I am.

He mumbles so I can’t tell whether he’s insulting me or others, and he’s distant, even when we’re in the same room.

Help me!

- Georgia

What can you do to deal with this sad state of affairs? There are lots of resources here in this blog, as well as coaching available.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, offering you a coaching session to deal with hubby’s passive aggression!.

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“Passive-aggression is a personality trait that is marked by a persistent negativity and passive resistance to responsibilities and cooperation.”

However, we’d like to offer a better, more simple explanation that works to not only help you understand what’s going on during a fight, but also what is going on in the passive aggressive man’s mind.

What we see is that within the relationship, the wife and the husband each have different perceptions of their roles (the man feels he’s doing his duty by making the decisions, and the woman feels she’s not getting a say). In a healthy marriage, the two people can eventually calm down from a conflict, confront each other in a respectful way, and find out who did what that hurt the other. This creates gradual growth and mutual learning.

When the husband is passive aggressive, however, there is no learning or growth. A confrontation that goes like, “Well, do you see why I’m angry?” will end like, “Why are you accusing me? I’m not doing anything wrong, this is all because you don’t love me.” His sudden desire to get away usually leads to silent treatment and emotional withdrawal.

The cycle continues, and what we have are a husband and wife with two very different ideas about what a marriage is!

It’s useless to try to convince him to try to communicate better, in this case. You need strategies to address this person, and make this person focus. A third party always works best for getting these strategies started, until eventually the two of you learn how to do it on your own.

Ready to get started? Click HERE to visit Conflict Coach and receive your free coaching session! Don’t let the cycle continue… break through to him and get your marriage back!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

How to Break Through his Silence Wall is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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This facet of passive aggressive behavior is difficult to deal with. When you’re sad, it can be tempting to say whatever you can think of until he talks to you again. When you’re hurt, you may just slam out of the room, leaving him to sulk in his own silence.

What is the best course of action, in either case? What will effectively show him the consequences of the silent treatment, without making you stoop to his level or act out of anger?

Our recommended tactic is this: assert yourself. Remember that his silent treatment is a choice, that he could have behaved differently and didn’t. You are not under any obligation to give him what he wants or give in to his “punishment.” His treatment does not prove or confirm anything about your value; it simply shows that he can’t handle conflict.

Because you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, you can make your own decisions about how to react. If he decides to be distant, show him that you can do the same. Detach yourself (gracefully) by having your own projects and friends, beyond his influence. Not only will this allow you to have an environment away from him, it will allow you to think clearly, have a new perspective, and feel stronger the next time he tries to manipulate you with silence.

When both of you have had your time alone, you will be better prepared to look at what happened and consider the impact his behavior is having on your relationship.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

How to react to the silent treatment? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Today we’re offering a tip that will help you work through these feelings in a healthy way, so that you have a clearer understanding about the relationship.

The real struggle we see in relationships like this is that the victim can’t identify what’s really going on. Maybe you see him pulling away and think “He doesn’t love me.” Or, even worst: “I’m not lovable.” In reality, he is afraid of getting too close and then being hurt.

This conflict within himself creates conflict between the two of you; he sends out contradicting messages like “I’ll be here for you when you need me,” and then he’s gone when you need his support in a project or event.

He’ll produce even more confusion by trying to rationalize his behavior, giving you a list of good reasons why he does what he does.

Here’s the tactic most helpful for avoiding the confusion his actions can cause:

Come to terms with being in a passive aggressive relationship. This has a lot to do with saying to yourself: “this is my situation, this is how it is. It is not about me, or him not loving me. It is about him, his passive aggression, and his hidden fears. My confusion and emotional pain are indicators of being with him – not him being with me!”

When you think clearly about the situation, you are better prepared to move forward toward a solution between yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll keep accusing him of not wanting a relationship, he’ll accuse you of being too needy, and you’ll keep going around in circles!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Why don’t you get your conflict coaching session today? Go to Conflictcoach.me now!.

Stop confusing your brain! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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What does it mean, that the love in your relationship has become toxic? It means that the heart of your relationship has become sick; you are two unhealthy people joined by needs that are not fulfilled. Almost like cancer, you begin consuming each other, until there is nothing healthy left.

The problem is that, also like cancer, this toxic love can go undetected for a very long time. You each may fool the other into thinking that you are nurturers and givers, when in fact, all that exists now is anger and insecurity. It is easy to see how, eventually, both people forget what it means to be healthy, in a healthy relationship. They begin thinking that this is the way it will always be.

How do you know if you’re in a toxic love relationship?

It’s simpler than it seems. Do you feel afraid or anxious most of the time you are with that person? When you’re apart, do you feel content because you are having a good time without this person, or do you worry about what they’re doing?

Maybe it’s hard for you to decide, because you’re used to seeing other couples handle things badly, too. It could be that your own parents had a toxic relationship, and you’ve just gotten used to it. Were them excessively dependent on each other, like enmeshed into each other? Were them used to a lot of domination and control of one on the other? We are talking here about relationships were the impact of the connection ends up smothering individual growth, or thinking or creativity of one or both partners. From the outside, they seem as they can’t be happy together, but also can’t be apart from each other…Do you recognize the picture?

Some other indicators of toxic love are:

• Hating the person you are with him;
• Thinking only about what you need to be happy, but can’t get
• Beginning to dread spending time with your partner
• You need to force him into having your way, but keep failing
• The two of you are pulled in different directions, but can’t be apart
• Struggling to find common interests,  beyond “the children”
• Can’t agree on how money should be spent, start separate accounts
• Afraid to open up and share your ideas or feelings
• You’re ignored in public
• One or both of you flirt with other people
• Fear of your partner
• Disagree about what love really means

If your passive aggressive relationship has progressed to this toxic level, it is time to heal it, before you are both consumed by the frustration!

Please tune in to our next blog posting: Healing Your Emotionally Toxic Relationship…see you soon!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today; get your free ebook “Healthy Marriage” by subscribing now.

Has Your Relationship Become Toxic? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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What is the task? You ask me?

I’d say to open a conversation about what is hurting your couple’s communication; what is building up frustration and loneliness….and how to improve the relationship by stopping his passive aggression.

You are always thinking how to confront with grace; perhaps dreaming of the method that could make him pay attention, understand the challenge and accept his share of ownership of the silence between you both.

Here and now, you need to know that upright confrontation will fail. Are you ready to use some other suggestions? Perhaps you could be so brave as to start the broken conversation and say something to him. I know, you two are not talking, but it would do miracles to soften the situation if you say a simple “thanks” for anything he does around.

Here is this alternative view of your situation: Instead of being the sullen, negative guy you perceive, please try to see him as a terrified and scared person. He knows already that he is losing you…

Because he doesn’t know how to manage you and your expectations about the relationship, (and of course can’t ask), his only resource is anger! Remember that he has a nasty and resentful inner child inside… always yearning for some crumbs of attention. If you can muster your courage and say something positive to him, not related to any issue in dispute now, simply “thanks,”  (because he brings in the groceries, opens a door, or turns off a light, etc) it will de-escalate the tension and soften a bit your fear and dread of being in the house with him.

Remember, do it only if you feel that it will give you the power to regulate the animosity between you two…as an experiment to learn different and unexpected ways of reaching to his inner child scared of loss. After a time of this treatment, you will find the way to talk with him about his unwanted behavior…and the impact of that behavior on you.

Meanwhile, you are doing this without expectations, in a detached mood, as to see if there are any changes in the interaction…Think of building your own reserves of self-esteem. The rest of the time, plan nice activities for yourself: go to the park, to church, to watch a good movie, take some time to do something that is only fun. You need a break.

All the time, remember to breathe! You will find a way out of this situation, eventually, and the way has to be transforming it by being compassionate, not aggressive, because children are watching, and learning from your actions.

Using appreciation to confront a passive aggressive husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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An overwhelming 92% of the responses expressed dreams consistent with the following wishes:

1. “I wish that he loved to hear what I had to say and that it was as important to him as it was to me. I would like to feel that all topics are open between us, and that if disagreements arose we could resolve them calmly, and head straight to the solution. If only he would stop ignoring or avoiding things by weaving a complicated, confusing web around the issue. When this happens, it creates one more conflict that will not be dealt with.”

2. “I have been married to a PA man for 46 years. Don’t gasp! After years of guilt, I finally found an explanation and came to terms with what I had been living with. I have learned to detach emotionally and physically and moved away from husband, which seems to have improved our relationship. Not many people realize how lonely it is being the wife of a PA husband, even though he’s such a “nice guy! My dreams of having a husband who loves, cherishes and protects me, never came about. I am realistic enough to love myself, and now I make the most of the positive things in my life. It is living one day at a time.”

3. I want to be freed from that feeling of, “What’s wrong with him now?” I want him to share with me what his needs, desires, and ideas are. He won’t (or can’t), and I can’t do it for him. Only he can.

4. In my heart and soul, I truly desire that we freely share all the possibilities of life, together. I know that I’m a wonderful person, but sometimes you need that encouragement, that validation, and that respect to come from your partner instead.

In what other ways would you know he is emotionally available?

· “I can be open, honest, and natural with my partner, and I know he will not think less of me if he knows who I really am.”

· “He acknowledges and listens attentively to my feelings and ideas.”

· “He lets me know that my feelings are just as important as his.”

· “I know I won’t be punished for bringing up certain things.”

· “I can be myself in my own home and can truly speak my mind, and so can he.”

· “There is such freedom of ideas between us that I feel like I am flying.”

· “We connect and care for each other on such a deep level that we can say what needs to said, and there is never any fear of retaliation, derision, or feeling foolish.”

I simply need to be myself.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be yourself, to accept and value yourself and do away with all the hidden negativity and criticism of the “walking on eggshells” behavior…how are you going to allow yourself to be the unique and valuable person you are? How are you going to detach from his critiques and appreciate who you are, first and only?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today: Get your own copy of the passive aggressive husband ebook now! .

How to Stop the Feeling of “Walking on Eggshells”? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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