Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband: 5 Questions to Ponder Before Moving On

April 18, 2012 By 2 Comments

The decision to divorce anyone is a very difficult one, but it can be especially hard if you are married to a passive aggressive person.
Because one day he is acting nice to you, and seems as loving and nurturing as the day you married, and then the next day, he is making your life hell, It can make you question your decisions about divorcing your husband.

Are you interested?

We have a great article on this issue, (Yes: the “Five Questions…”  with Their Answers, too!)

Do you want to read it?

5 Questions to Ponder Before Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband

And of course, you can leave your comments, critiques and questions here!

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Recovering After Divorcing a Passive Aggressive Husband

April 7, 2012 By 1 Comment

Passive aggressive marriages are notorious happiness-drainers, because your energy and satisfaction keep going low and lower… Divorcing a passive aggressive husband can be even worse! During your marriage, he made sure to trash your self-esteem and dignity, while ensuring that you took care of him and his needs, no questions asked. When you want to divorce him, he makes you look cruel in front of friends and family, tries to manipulate you into staying and thinking that you’re giving up “happiness.”

Getting through a passive aggressive divorce may seem impossible, but you can achieve it. However, what happens afterward? It might feel like the post-divorce period is where things really start to get hard. You may be plagued with grief and guilt, or doubt that you did the right thing. He may be hounding you financially or emotionally, and your self-esteem will be in the gutter.

What can you do to recover after divorcing a passive aggressive husband? We’ve compiled some great tips to help you regain self-esteem after divorcing a passive aggressive man.

Plan To Reinvent Yourself

You must start by reinventing your concept of who you are and what you want from life. It’s important that you think about how to think of yourself as a VALID individual, worthy on her own and not only as part of a couple. What is your plan to reinvent yourself – do you need to completely rediscover yourself by going on a trip? School? A new city? Dance lessons? Think of the craziest thing you could do, something that makes your heart beat to try. Go do it!

What Were Your Life Purposes As A Child?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

What did you love the most, what were your hobbies?

Reinventing yourself into someone happy and connected rides on finding what you really love and value, and going back to your childhood could be a great place to start.

Look at your childhood pictures and connect with who you were, identify your childhood dreams and start from there. What excited you, made you happy?

Now make a list of the things you love (don’t censor yourself telling that it is impossible; list everything you love!).

You can then make several loved things coalesce into a new “discovering my new life” project. Here’s an example: If you love cats and animals, taking care of living things, gardening, child care, then you should pursue a life direction that focuses on creating and protecting living things. Don’t held yourself back by saying, “I have to find a real job.” You’ve wasted too many years on being “reasonable” and “realistic.” Seize the day!

Now that you know what you are good at, make a list of all things (jobs or otherwise), possible and impossible, that you would do to use those skills. Brainstorming can take different directions – you could design your own job, volunteer at different agencies that interest you, chat with friends and family, or just travel a bit. Give yourself a goal and plan once you find your most exciting life prospect, and don’t forget to write down the steps for tomorrow and beyond.

All the way keep telling Yourself:

  • I KNOW I CAN
  • I KNOW I’M WORTHY
  • I KNOW I’M LOVABLE

Leave this plan/list in a place where you will not see it for two days… stop thinking consciously about it, because your unconscious soul is already working on it!

Finding Love After Divorcing A
Passive Aggressive Man

 

Discover what you want in a man by making a list like you just did for life prospects.

What excites you about a man? What are you looking for?

Think long and hard about what you husband didn’t give you, what you were hoping for all those years.
Don’t fixate on all the things he “could” have been – think about all the things you’re going to pursue in your future and find for yourself. You could make a visual list, with pictures that have something to do with your idea of “love,” or cut words from print and make a verbal collage that speaks, “This is what I’m looking for.” You can also explore what used to be important to you, but now isn’t as important as others (perhaps you value adventure more, or perhaps you value being good with children).

Put the collage in a drawer, and two days later edit, correct and end the official “ideal match.” Put that list in a visible site, and allow your subconscious mind to take over.
You will begin to look at your new relations from this point of view; from a stronger self-esteem and new view of yourself.

Is your journey of reinvention endangered by low self-esteem, guilt, or threats from your ex-husband?

Do you need a coach who can motivate you to grab the reigns of your own life? Register with us here at Passive Aggressive Husband to receive information about passive aggression, being independent, and leading a happy, healthy life. Talk to our coach, Dr. Nora, to get personal feedback on your situation and in-depth relationship coaching on how to recover after divorcing your passive aggressive husband.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , ,

How to Keep a Negative Husband Away

April 6, 2012 By 4 Comments

For many women, living with a passive aggressive man and his constant negativity can be a huge struggle. But for those who feel they need to stay in the marriage anyway (reasons can vary, person to person), living with a negative husband doesn’t have to be impossible.

The most important aspect to be aware of when staying with a passive aggressive husband is how his behavior impacts you – how you see yourself and your future, and how in control you are of your own life. Passive aggressive husbands thrive on taking those things away from you! That is what makes this relationship a toxic marriage.

There are certain needs a passive aggressive husband can fulfill for you, and living well despite his negativity relies on you finding out what these needs are. For some people, the passive aggressive husband’s wounds and issues help build the wife’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Please, watch out: can you see the danger in that? devoting yourself to ignoring your own needs under the cover of caring for his needs with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect. You will feel progressively emptier…

Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Staying in the relationship or leaving it – both require meeting your own problems head on. Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can find our book, “Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband,” at Passive Aggressive Husband.

Now, what are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. Even better is if you can gather the nerve to appreciate those aspects verbally to him.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you about the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love you when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

When feeling overwhelmed, detach: There might be moments when you really don’t know what else to do to tolerate this coexistence. If you still are convinced that staying married is necessary for you, then learn to detach. Make a list of your own interests: would you like to play bridge? Have a walking buddy? Going shopping to the mall? Going to educational classes at your community center? Have a set of friends for different purposes, which are not necessarily friends of the couple. Just GO, and forget if he is with you or left behind… Give yourself permission to receive pleasure and nurturing from friends, activities and learning wherever you can find them.

Compensate each negative comment with a positive thought: When he is constantly saying negative things, train your brain to think in the reverse position. Keep saying to yourself: “that’s true, but also can be true the opposite…so I can choose which one I believe.” So you keep a positive vision of your own future, which is exactly the point here.

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, Relationship Repair, sexless marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Healing yourself from emotional abuse? Lessons learned here!

April 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I don’t believe in blaming the abuse victim, and at the same time I’ve always subscribed to the philosophy that we are all somehow responsible for our own happiness. This does not mean we are to blame for all the unhappiness and pain in our lives; bad things happen and other people can hurt us for any reason and no reason.

But in life, the main challenge is that we are responsible for making our own happiness in spite of those things or even because of them.

If you have associated happiness with “the way my childhood was,” then probably you would be busy taking the trouble of recreating your childhood, regardless of whether it actually made you happy or unhappy. I know many women still fixate in finding their father’s double in every man they can find… and afterwords, they keep complaining about the unhappiness that such a relationship brought to them.

If you know that being cared for and respected by your partner is an important part of your happiness, be sure that you respect and care for yourself and your own projects first. Whatever makes you happy has to be cared for and included in your life plan, either single or married.

No matter what, what is important for you has to be important for any partner you select: don’t accept a long-term relationship where your spouse rejects or ignores an important dream of yours. It is the equivalent to rejecting a piece of you, so don’t agree on dumping this hobby or that craft only because he tells you it’s worthless.

Take stock of what you are looking for to make yourself happy—my friend always falls for only a bit of the whole person she wants to be in a relationship with (“he is a good provider”), and then most of her real values are ignored. How far do you think she can go in the relationship before feeling unappreciated and not valued?

Whatever the kind of emotional abuse suffered, we need to remember a basic task of life: to accept and love oneself is still to be done. We are responsible for a life project that is uniquely ours, non transferable and demanding to be finished. Sometimes it is clear to see that some women tend to accept the pain of an abusive relationship as a screen that covers up the self-abandonment.

Only when we recover the path to self-development, do we get in touch again with this wonderful person inside waiting to grow up, be mature and independent. Only then are we able to enter only into relationships full of support and respect.

Then, perhaps we can understand that the emotional abuse suffered was the necessary call to wake us up, force us to reconsider which kind of relationships we need and deserve, and move on to make it happen.

Releasing the emotional abuse from its negative frame and using it as a valuable tool for self-development is a bright way of making a painful situation serve us, in any relationship either it be marriage or other. Do you need help reframing the negative treatment you’ve received in your life, and use it for your self-growth? See Dr. Nora, for a one-on-one phone talk about what will work for you in your own life.

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, Passive Aggressive Husband, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Raise the level of your love hormones with a hug!

March 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Today, we are learning more and more about how your state of mind and your brain/body are connected.

This definitely helps when dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, because it legitimizes the things you’re feeling. You have an effect that is clearly linked to a cause. Now, it is becoming harder and harder to sweep passive aggression under the rug as a “fad diagnosis.” Take, for example, this article posted at the Underground Health Reporter.

The article discusses a “love hormone” in our brains, called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin is produced in our brains when we experience pleasing interactions with others, making us feel happy, connected and trusting of others. So what does a lack of it look like?

“Feelings of alienation and dealing with loneliness, as well as a lack of intimate relationships, are the outward manifestations of reduced oxytocin levels – but oxytocin deficiency may also cause physical damage to the body.

Dealing with loneliness, sadness and stress increase your odds of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and cancer. In fact, a recent study published in the Public Library of Science, Medicine reports that a social person has a 50% greater survival rate than a reclusive one.”

The article then claims that you can make yourself happier by raising your levels of oxytocin – and funnily enough, a hug is even more effective at doing that than an orgasm!

However, what happens in a passive aggressive marriage? How does it all apply? Well, oxytocin levels can expected to be extremely low because you are dealing with the stress and dire loneliness of constantly being denied intimacy. The cold shoulder, a key passive aggressive behavior, is certainly something that denies you oxytocin. Not even mentioning the lack of sexual intimacy!

So, how can you apply this today? Think about how your marriage is creating stress and denying you a remedy (the remedy being loving physical contact). Looking at this article, the easiest way to cheer yourself up considerably is to seek oxytocin from others – in a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or other loving contact. You can hug your kids, your mother, your friend, or even a stranger – all will raise your levels of oxytocin!

But you can also take this from the article: people will low levels of oxytocin trust others less. If part of your husband’s passive aggression comes from his intense distrust of intimacy, couldn’t raising his oxytocin levels help him, too? Of course, we know that for some of you, hugging your passive aggressive husband is the last thing you want to do. But for those brave enough to experiment, you can try reaching out to your husband – literally!

You can read the entire article here. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of the “passive aggression rut,” you can talk to our relationship expert and conflict coach, Dr. Nora Femenia!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, Passive Aggressive Husband, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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