Can you say more? what can you say to a person that is the depth of despair like her? Her words tell us how much despair is there, how much loneliness and how many frustrated emotional needs are in her situation. How is she required to raise those three children feeling such isolation?

A spouse going into complete isolation, silence and withdrawing all communication to the other person sharing life with him is directly attacking the basis of the home his children need to grow up nurtured and loved. Even if this person considers that he needs to defend himself from some imagined o real insult, the presence of three children should convince him of making a decent effort to improve the situation.

Today, I’m going to reverse the usual provision of ideas, and ask you what can you suggest to make her life better. What ideas, support and ways of changing this despair into a reasonable companionship can you offer? Let’s see if the shared pool can share some ideas that she can use?

Thanks already for your good will!

My life is crumbling, largely because I have a completely passive aggressive husband.  I like the advice I have seen so far but don’t think they’re relevant to my situation because I don’t think my husband would mind one bit if I ignored him when he behaved badly.  He wouldn’t even notice.  In fact, if I didn’t talk to him or look at him or touch him or anything ever again, he wouldn’t give it a second thought.  I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children.  Any advice welcome.  Thanks.

Nora Femenia is a well-known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and sign-up free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach

Help: I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Passive aggressive marriages are notorious happiness-drainers, because your energy and satisfaction keep going low and lower… Divorcing a passive aggressive husband can be even worse! During your marriage, he made sure to trash your self-esteem and dignity, while ensuring that you took care of him and his needs, no questions asked. When you want to divorce him, he makes you look cruel in front of friends and family, tries to manipulate you into staying and thinking that you’re giving up “happiness.”

Getting through a passive aggressive divorce may seem impossible, but you can achieve it. However, what happens afterward? It might feel like the post-divorce period is where things really start to get hard. You may be plagued with grief and guilt, or doubt that you did the right thing. He may be hounding you financially or emotionally, and your self-esteem will be in the gutter.

What can you do to recover after divorcing a passive aggressive husband? We’ve compiled some great tips to help you regain self-esteem after divorcing a passive aggressive man.

Plan To Reinvent Yourself

You must start by reinventing your concept of who you are and what you want from life. It’s important that you think about how to think of yourself as a VALID individual, worthy on her own and not only as part of a couple. What is your plan to reinvent yourself – do you need to completely rediscover yourself by going on a trip? School? A new city? Dance lessons? Think of the craziest thing you could do, something that makes your heart beat to try. Go do it!

What Were Your Life Purposes As A Child?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

What did you love the most, what were your hobbies?

Reinventing yourself into someone happy and connected rides on finding what you really love and value, and going back to your childhood could be a great place to start.

Look at your childhood pictures and connect with who you were, identify your childhood dreams and start from there. What excited you, made you happy?

Now make a list of the things you love (don’t censor yourself telling that it is impossible; list everything you love!).

You can then make several loved things coalesce into a new “discovering my new life” project. Here’s an example: If you love cats and animals, taking care of living things, gardening, child care, then you should pursue a life direction that focuses on creating and protecting living things. Don’t held yourself back by saying, “I have to find a real job.” You’ve wasted too many years on being “reasonable” and “realistic.” Seize the day!

Now that you know what you are good at, make a list of all things (jobs or otherwise), possible and impossible, that you would do to use those skills. Brainstorming can take different directions – you could design your own job, volunteer at different agencies that interest you, chat with friends and family, or just travel a bit. Give yourself a goal and plan once you find your most exciting life prospect, and don’t forget to write down the steps for tomorrow and beyond.

All the way keep telling Yourself:

• I KNOW I CAN
• I KNOW I’M WORTHY
• I KNOW I’M LOVABLE

Leave this plan/list in a place where you will not see it for two days… stop thinking consciously about it, because your unconscious soul is already working on it!

Finding Love After Divorcing A
Passive Aggressive Man

Discover what you want in a man by making a list like you just did for life prospects.

What excites you about a man? What are you looking for?

Think long and hard about what you husband didn’t give you, what you were hoping for all those years.
Don’t fixate on all the things he “could” have been – think about all the things you’re going to pursue in your future and find for yourself. You could make a visual list, with pictures that have something to do with your idea of “love,” or cut words from print and make a verbal collage that speaks, “This is what I’m looking for.” You can also explore what used to be important to you, but now isn’t as important as others (perhaps you value adventure more, or perhaps you value being good with children).

Put the collage in a drawer, and two days later edit, correct and end the official “ideal match.” Put that list in a visible site, and allow your subconscious mind to take over.
You will begin to look at your new relations from this point of view; from a stronger self-esteem and new view of yourself.

Is your journey of reinvention endangered by low self-esteem, guilt, or threats from your ex-husband?

Do you need a coach who can motivate you to grab the reigns of your own life? Register with us here at Passive Aggressive Husband to receive information about passive aggression, being independent, and leading a happy, healthy life. Talk to our coach, Dr. Nora, to get personal feedback on your situation and in-depth relationship coaching on how to recover after divorcing your passive aggressive husband.

Recovering After Divorcing a Passive Aggressive Husband is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

In thinking about why you married your passive aggressive husband, your reaction is probably one of these:

• I married him because of ______, so I’m holding to see if I can get that back
• I have no idea why I married this _____, I must have been out of my mind
• He fooled me into thinking he was a ________ type of person

However, the real reason you picked an emotionally abusive person for your husband is probably deeper than all of these. Finding the real reason can help you understand your relationship, what your emotional needs are, and how what you’re doing today might be denying those needs.

In “Are You With the Right Mate,” an article at Science Today, Rebecca Webber breaks down how to tell whether you’re with the right partner. One part in particular discusses why we choose the partner that we do.

One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It’s hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don’t know what your needs or values are or haven’t developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.

Why We Choose The Wrong Partner for Us is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

In a previous post, we discussed the issue of passive aggressive husbands withholding sex in the marriage. It is a form of punishment that tries to keep you under his control. However, we can also understand it as his misinformed way of handling fears about rejection, worthlessness, and emasculation. The next question in your mind is certainly: “How do I fight back?” Let’s break down some steps.

The first step (and this one is NOT optional) is to understand that it is NOT ABOUT SEX. It is not about your performance, attractiveness, or ability. It is about your husband finding a way to control your needs and emotions – and more than other means of control, withholding sex hits us all below the belt, capitalizing on some of our deepest insecurities. Withholding sex is about your husband’s need to control you by ignoring and denying your needs!

If you do not address this situation in a healthy and critical way, your needs will increase, and so will your insecurities. You will continually look to him for approval, which is exactly what he needs to feed his depleted ego.

Mentally, you need to clarify the relationship dynamic to yourself. Ask yourself: who has control of the normal impulses of your body? Who gets to say what your body should feel and when? YOU. This step includes practicing whatever you need to in order to celebrate (not criticize) your own body and sexual identity. You can get massages, do yoga, work out at the gym, dance, buy clothes that flatter your body, achieve better health with food and vitamins, or anything else you need to do to feel alive, sensual and connected with your body.

Another issue, of course, burns at the center of many wives’ minds – do you take advantage of a chance to seek sex from someone else? This is really a personal decision that rides on how you see the marriage. If you’re dedicated to this marriage, the best thing you can do for your peace of mind is probably to focus on yourself and your relationship, and not involve other people in your emotional and sexual refocusing. However, if this idea is one that will not quit, perhaps you need to evaluate whether this marriage is one you’re willing to stay for anymore. Either way, we encourage you to heal your body and mind to the best of your ability before moving to the next steps of loving or leaving your husband.

If your partner is using this strategy against you, don’t suffer in silence or continue to blame yourself! He is shooting himself in the foot, because depriving himself of this vital activity is only suicidal. Isn’t it pathetic? Have pity of him, but keep yourself alive.

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Coach Nora. Your first conversation with her is free.

Withholding Sex: How Do You Keep Yourself Alive? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

If you suspect this is happening to you in your marriage, here are some facts. It’s a simple and unfortunate truth that as a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship, your passive aggressive husband will at some point show no interest in sex, often exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together. Sometimes it might be after a nice day with the kids, or a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant.

So, if it’s passive aggressive punishment, why does there seem to be even less notice than usual? Most often, sex is withheld as punishment because of something that happened during the day that your husband cannot express to you emotionally. It could be that he felt emasculated by you taking control of punishing the children, or that he resents spending money (even when spent on himself, too). The take-away point here is that it usually has NOTHING to do with sex itself. In other words, you don’t need to lie in bed wondering whether you’ve “lost it.”

What happens when you lie awake worrying like this is that the punishment 100% does what it was meant to do. Your husband’s passive punishment turns into something you do to yourself. You punish yourself by telling yourself you’re not thin, attractive, satisfying enough. At that point, he has effectively controlled the situation and your ideas about your own self-worth.

Something wives wonder at this point is how the passive aggressive man views sex. It’s a good question to ask. Something to remember is that for the passive aggressive man, sex means vulnerability (because it’s intimate). He feels that withholding sex will prove his “independence” and hide his fear of rejection.

Stay posted for our next article, on how to fight back against using sex as control!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach

Passive Aggressive Denial of Intimacy Hurts Both Sides is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

In a recent article posted on AOL, Dr. Epstein (a Ph.D. based out of San Diego) revealed that 10 to 20% of American marriages are “sexless.” That is, sex happens once a month or less.

Our neighbor in the blogosphere, PA Don’t Stand for “Palo Alto” has an interesting spin on this article that should give you something to think about - does this mean that 40 million Americans are in passive aggressive marriages?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Passive Aggression: The New American Epidemic? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

At Psychology Today, Susan Harrow wrote an article explaining this new book. Here’s a snippet:

“According to communication pioneer Professor Albert Mehrabian,”7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is sent in the words that are spoken;  38% of feelings and attitudes contained in messages is expressed in the way that the words are said, and 55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the facial expression.”

… What complicates the matter is that when the person who receives an apology isn’t buying it, or feels like it’s just being said to shut them up, the apology itself can ignite a cycle where the person sincerely apologizing feels hopeless. When his apology isn’t accepted, it refuels his anger.


This is one of the reasons Dreyfus created her written flash cards which can help couples who are fighting or at an impasse calm down and get through to each other in less than a minute and turn a mean interaction into a loving one. The flash cards are a series of warm and calming self-aware messages that can be held up in the midst of an argument. For example it may be scary to say, “I’m afraid if I say I’m sorry, you’ll make everything all my fault.” But holding up the card can neutralize the difficulty.”

Make Sure Your Passive Aggressive Husband Gets the Message is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Can you see how she was getting more and more confused and alienated? Who was this foreigner in her own house, not saying a word, not even looking at her? what was the proper etiquette with him? should she demand an answer, or force him to answer? that seemed the wrong behavior, because he was signaling that he didn’t want to engage with her. However, what to do with the hundreds of petty everyday decisions that needed his input? And, if she would force herself on him to get an answer, how to process his angry eyes, telling her that she was trespassing on him?

A person doing the cold shoulder as a means of communicating disgust or anger, is sending a truncated message…his anger can come through, but the object of this anger is not clear. What should the other spouse do? imagine what kind of transgression he/she has done to have the spouse so high in  his contempt? it seems a lost battle, because there can be a lot of different reasons for the isolation.

What is real, and hurting as much as a physical pain, is the isolation inflicted. His silent treatment, full of contempt is really a permanent rejection, a hurt that doesn’t diminish with each day of continuous isolation ….It negates whatever is expected from such an intimate relationship as a marriage.

Are you also “married alone”? Do you recognize yourself in this picture?  As a way of comforting you in this Valentine day, when you should be feeling supported and loved instead of suffering the silent treatment, we offer you a free book, “5 Ways to Fight the Silent Treatment.”

Feel free to share it with your friends…meanwhile, keep up your search for positive ways of love and support….and learn how to stop silent treatments in your life.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Is silent treatment making you feel isolated and lost in Valentine’s Day? Here is our love! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

© Lela Lee

All your life you’ve been trying to make it work. We all know that even good intentioned efforts can fail when you try to live with other people in love and harmony, and it’s natural to assume that differences will bring some frictions.

Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation. In this way, you can fight to save your love, instead of fighting in a way that hinders your love!

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other.  That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one… Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about… how does it compare? No way!

Why can’t we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn’t taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful person they want to spend their lives with us!

And then, very shortly, this admiration we managed to achieve goes missing, and sadly the only way to get our partner’s attention back on us is to have a good fight.

OK, let’s assume that you have decided that having a fight is the way to receive attention again. Remember that it has not to be destructive. Positive conflict helps you organize a respectful confrontation, following some simple rules.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know more about saving the love in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Are You Fighting to Save Your Love? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

WE ARE STUCK IN THIS DANCE:

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

The Passive Aggressive Dance is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband