Why We Choose The Wrong Partner for Us

March 30, 2012 By 2 Comments

In thinking about why you married your passive aggressive husband, your reaction is probably one of these:

    • I married him because of ______, so I’m holding to see if I can get that back
    • I have no idea why I married this _____, I must have been out of my mind
    • He fooled me into thinking he was a ________ type of person

However, the real reason you picked an emotionally abusive person for your husband is probably deeper than all of these. Finding the real reason can help you understand your relationship, what your emotional needs are, and how what you’re doing today might be denying those needs.

In “Are You With the Right Mate,” an article at Science Today, Rebecca Webber breaks down how to tell whether you’re with the right partner. One part in particular discusses why we choose the partner that we do.

One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It’s hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don’t know what your needs or values are or haven’t developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.

This is especially true for couples who married young, as perhaps you did with your passive aggressive husband. Younger individuals have often not yet articulated what it is they really value and need, and so often find in their marriage a clash of ideals. However, that doesn’t explain why you were attracted to a passive aggressive man.Perhaps you were looking for someone not so controlling as the men of your family? Did you feel more comfortable with men not always telling you what to do? Was it liberating to be with someone who did not ask so many questions about your plans, your finances, or your friends?You can find all that in a PA man… at the beginning. But to imagine that the control battle has not to be fought, is an illusion. we all need to define what we want with our partners and negotiate agreements about almost everything along our lives.So, find someone who is willing to sit down and explore issues with you; who is not fastidious to “be done with it now” and that can express what he wants himself from the relationship now and in the future.
Do you need help understanding what personal needs drove you to marry a passive aggressive man? You can talk about your person situation with Dr. Nora Femenia, our relationship expert and conflict coach!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, sexless marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Raise the level of your love hormones with a hug!

March 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Today, we are learning more and more about how your state of mind and your brain/body are connected.

This definitely helps when dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, because it legitimizes the things you’re feeling. You have an effect that is clearly linked to a cause. Now, it is becoming harder and harder to sweep passive aggression under the rug as a “fad diagnosis.” Take, for example, this article posted at the Underground Health Reporter.

The article discusses a “love hormone” in our brains, called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin is produced in our brains when we experience pleasing interactions with others, making us feel happy, connected and trusting of others. So what does a lack of it look like?

“Feelings of alienation and dealing with loneliness, as well as a lack of intimate relationships, are the outward manifestations of reduced oxytocin levels – but oxytocin deficiency may also cause physical damage to the body.

Dealing with loneliness, sadness and stress increase your odds of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and cancer. In fact, a recent study published in the Public Library of Science, Medicine reports that a social person has a 50% greater survival rate than a reclusive one.”

The article then claims that you can make yourself happier by raising your levels of oxytocin – and funnily enough, a hug is even more effective at doing that than an orgasm!

However, what happens in a passive aggressive marriage? How does it all apply? Well, oxytocin levels can expected to be extremely low because you are dealing with the stress and dire loneliness of constantly being denied intimacy. The cold shoulder, a key passive aggressive behavior, is certainly something that denies you oxytocin. Not even mentioning the lack of sexual intimacy!

So, how can you apply this today? Think about how your marriage is creating stress and denying you a remedy (the remedy being loving physical contact). Looking at this article, the easiest way to cheer yourself up considerably is to seek oxytocin from others – in a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or other loving contact. You can hug your kids, your mother, your friend, or even a stranger – all will raise your levels of oxytocin!

But you can also take this from the article: people will low levels of oxytocin trust others less. If part of your husband’s passive aggression comes from his intense distrust of intimacy, couldn’t raising his oxytocin levels help him, too? Of course, we know that for some of you, hugging your passive aggressive husband is the last thing you want to do. But for those brave enough to experiment, you can try reaching out to your husband – literally!

You can read the entire article here. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of the “passive aggression rut,” you can talk to our relationship expert and conflict coach, Dr. Nora Femenia!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, Passive Aggressive Husband, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Withholding Sex: How Do You Keep Yourself Alive?

March 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In a previous post, we discussed the issue of passive aggressive husbands withholding sex in the marriage. It is a form of punishment that tries to keep you under his control. However, we can also understand it as his misinformed way of handling fears about rejection, worthlessness, and emasculation. The next question in your mind is certainly: “How do I fight back?” Let’s break down some steps.

The first step (and this one is NOT optional) is to understand that it is NOT ABOUT SEX. It is not about your performance, attractiveness, or ability. It is about your husband finding a way to control your needs and emotions – and more than other means of control, withholding sex hits us all below the belt, capitalizing on some of our deepest insecurities. Withholding sex is about your husband’s need to control you by ignoring and denying your needs!

If you do not address this situation in a healthy and critical way, your needs will increase, and so will your insecurities. You will continually look to him for approval, which is exactly what he needs to feed his depleted ego.

Mentally, you need to clarify the relationship dynamic to yourself. Ask yourself: who has control of the normal impulses of your body? Who gets to say what your body should feel and when? YOU. This step includes practicing whatever you need to in order to celebrate (not criticize) your own body and sexual identity. You can get massages, do yoga, work out at the gym, dance, buy clothes that flatter your body, achieve better health with food and vitamins, or anything else you need to do to feel alive, sensual and connected with your body.

Another issue, of course, burns at the center of many wives’ minds – do you take advantage of a chance to seek sex from someone else? This is really a personal decision that rides on how you see the marriage. If you’re dedicated to this marriage, the best thing you can do for your peace of mind is probably to focus on yourself and your relationship, and not involve other people in your emotional and sexual refocusing. However, if this idea is one that will not quit, perhaps you need to evaluate whether this marriage is one you’re willing to stay for anymore. Either way, we encourage you to heal your body and mind to the best of your ability before moving to the next steps of loving or leaving your husband.

If your partner is using this strategy against you, don’t suffer in silence or continue to blame yourself! He is shooting himself in the foot, because depriving himself of this vital activity is only suicidal. Isn’t it pathetic? Have pity of him, but keep yourself alive.

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Coach Nora. Your first conversation with her is free.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, Relationship Repair, sexless marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Passive Aggressive Denial of Intimacy Hurts Both Sides

March 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Sex as a means of control is something many women struggle with in a passive aggressive marriage, although it is a sensitive and private matter that most don’t want to share (understandably). Passive aggressive husbands can almost always get their desired outcome by withholding sex as punishment – it is a punishment that a victim will usually feel guilty about!

If you suspect this is happening to you in your marriage, here are some facts. It’s a simple and unfortunate truth that as a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship, your passive aggressive husband will at some point show no interest in sex, often exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together. Sometimes it might be after a nice day with the kids, or a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant.


So, if it’s passive aggressive punishment, why does there seem to be even less notice than usual? Most often, sex is withheld as punishment because of something that happened during the day that your husband cannot express to you emotionally. It could be that he felt emasculated by you taking control of punishing the children, or that he resents spending money (even when spent on himself, too). The take-away point here is that it usually has NOTHING to do with sex itself. In other words, you don’t need to lie in bed wondering whether you’ve “lost it.”


What happens when you lie awake worrying like this is that the punishment 100% does what it was meant to do. Your husband’s passive punishment turns into something you do to yourself. You punish yourself by telling yourself you’re not thin, attractive, satisfying enough. At that point, he has effectively controlled the situation and your ideas about your own self-worth.


Something wives wonder at this point is how the passive aggressive man views sex. It’s a good question to ask. Something to remember is that for the passive aggressive man, sex means vulnerability (because it’s intimate). He feels that withholding sex will prove his “independence” and hide his fear of rejection.

Stay posted for our next article, on how to fight back against using sex as control!

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Coach Nora. Your first conversation with her is free.
Nora

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach
Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, Relationship Repair, sexless marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Passive Aggression: The New American Epidemic?

March 5, 2012 By 11 Comments

In a recent article posted on AOL, Dr. Epstein (a Ph.D. based out of San Diego) revealed that 10 to 20% of American marriages are “sexless.” That is, sex happens once a month or less.

Our neighbor in the blogosphere, PA Don’t Stand for “Palo Alto” has an interesting spin on this article that should give you something to think about - does this mean that 40 million Americans are in passive aggressive marriages?

“… I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.”

How do you feel about this? It’s definitely true that withholding sex as punishment is a passive aggressive trait that many partners suffer through. But do they reveal it? Dr. Epstein makes a good point in saying that many more marriages are probably “sexless,” but people don’t reveal it out of embarrassment. If in their marriage, their partner withholds sex as punishment, certainly there could be many people who participated in this study, but didn’t come forward! Passive aggressive punishment is very crafty, in inducing shame and making the victim feel like they “deserve” it!

If your partner is using this device against you, don’t suffer in silence or continue to blame yourself! Withholding sex is not about your inability to perform for your partner – it’s about their need to control you by ignoring and denying your needs!

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Coach Nora. Your first conversation with her is free.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, sexless marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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