The Passive Aggressive Dance

January 20, 2012 By Leave a Comment

WE ARE STUCK IN THIS DANCE:

HERS

HIS

I feel let down, isolated, and lonely.

If I  confront you to get you to see what
is hurting me
and come back to me..

It Just Drives You Away,
You became defensive and justify yourself.

 

If I despair, you retreat even more
Then I get more upset,
desperate, and lonely…

And I Lose My Faith in You
And In Our Marriage.

Looking at you being down gets me
scared but you don’t keep silent,
you tell me and your tale of hurt scares
me even more…

Did I Do That To You?
Really?

Is better to see you angry with me
than hurt I want to escape anyhow, or
to show you how wrong you are,
why don’t you see how I care?

If I explain my reasons, it drives you mad…
What can I offer you, but my logical reasons?

I’m Terrified By
The Fear of Losing You!

 

What are we doing? We are repeating a performance where we hide our sore spots from each other:

You hurting and lonely, and me feeling like a kind of idiot…

I need, says her, to be able to ask for company and don’t feel rejected or ridiculed.

I need, says him, to be able to use my usual responses in a way that you don’t label them as negative, so I feel accepted and can replace them with better others.

He could say: “I know I have neglected you, worried about work issues. When I hear that you are sad and angry, I don’t know what to do and escape… and I have to deny my needs of being near you. If you give me a chance and stop evaluating my behavior, I can get together and appreciate your needs better.”

She could say: “I now know that when I panic and imagine that I’m left alone, is because it hurts so much remembering that my family left me alone too many times… If I give you a chance, and don’t compare you with them, probably then you can get near me without conflict? Because I really need your attention!”

What are they doing? The exchanges you see above demonstrate what we call the basic passive aggressive dance. Each person “dances” around in a passive aggressive way because neither really knows how to get what they want from the other. (Of course, without asking for it: this is the passive aggressive piece of the behavior)

What is needed is a different kind of conversation, where we can invite the parties to acknowledge their basic needs…. She has to say how lonely she is, he has to say how terrified he is of losing her, and how impotent both are of  fulfilling simple needs, because they are so wrapped up in their own perception that they can’t see the other’s perspective.

The dance finishes when both sides can acknowledge the other side’s basic human needs…. and accept that the marriage deal is exactly that: I will take care of identifying and solving your needs… and you will do the same for me.

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Passive Aggressive Men are so Attractive?

November 21, 2011 By

Quite often, we’ll have comments from clients wondering how they could have been so blind to their spouse’s passive aggression and the toxic feelings they create. Some wives admit that they went back to their husbands multiple times, acquiescing to what the husbands wanted, without really knowing why they took the risk of being hurt again.

What is it about a passive aggressive person that is attractive to us? Well, one reason is that we seek out relationships that are familiar to us. We may not seek out spouses that are carbon copies of our parents, but we will seek out people who mirror the behaviors we’re already used to seeing in our past. What this means is that you have chosen your passive aggressive spouse because your parent (or guardian) expressed similar behavior. If this is the case, you may be able to look back and see traces of passive aggression in other people you’ve dated, as well.

Beyond our past telling us who to pick, there are also certain needs that a passive aggressive person can fulfill for some people. Strange to think, right? However, for some people, the passive aggressive person’s wounds and issues help build one’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Can you see the danger in that? In devoting yourself to ignoring your problems, with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect? Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can talk to one of our Conflict Coaches today, and receive a free coaching session.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , ,

How can you love your Passive Aggressive Husband?

November 18, 2011 By

What are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. When he’s trying to use PA behavior with you, these positive things will help you focus on using your own techniques, instead of breaking down.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

You can get more tips for improving your marital happiness by talking one-on-one with our Conflict Coach.

Neil Warner
Neil Warner
I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How to recover your life after a passive aggressive marriage?

November 4, 2011 By
When readers of this blog accept our standing invitation to have a free coaching session, they bring their own stories. Some of them are easier to hear and offer support to; others are heart wrenching.
Which stories are the saddest? The ones that present a woman past her fifties, who has spent most of her married life waiting for the husband to finally change and connect with her in a significant way. Only now are these women discovering certain basic ideas offered here:
  • Passive aggression is learned in childhood;
  • Is a defensive style focusing on how to keep other people away;
  • There is little they can do to change the man they are living with, he must change himself.

After learning these concepts, the perspective of getting old in an empty marriage sets in. It is a moment of truth, where they see their past as gone, their present as painful, and the prospect of their future as filled with the same loneliness.

What can we offer in that situation? What is there to be done? Detach and take care of yourself. This time, the lesson is even more urgent.

Because they have serious deficits, because living your whole life in emotional misery leaves you empty and sad, and angry, the first task is to detach completely of the relationship. Begin to see yourself as worthy of attention, come up with a list of your own unattended needs and do for yourself what you have been waiting him to do all these years. Only then will you be strong enough to work on saving the marriage (if that’s what you still really want).

Fortunately, once you look at your emotional needs, you can see that there are multiple ways of fulfilling the voids. We can begin to offer some ideas, which you can pick from to begin.

Strategies for Self-Care and Recovery:

Make a plan to recover your self-esteem:
Appreciate your resilience up until this time, celebrate yourself and your strength.
Visit and/or work with people and places where you feel appreciated and well received.
Respect your life routine and add extra pleasurable tasks.
Take care of yourself: eat well, do your exercise routine and sleep well.
Have a plan to restore calm and stay self-centered with meditation, yoga or t’ai chi.
Afford yourself meditative walks in nature (or extra time in the garden).
Accept all your feelings and find confidants to share them with.
Place around the house positive images to see when you are feeling lost or sad.
Avoid self-judgements about your “guilt.”
Approve yourself and your decisions every day.
Do something special for yourself every day.
Acknowledge your own accomplishments.
Connect with others using reflective listening.
Learn the meaning of your marital experience lessons, and move on.

For more tips about detachment and what it means, see our other posts:
Detach from Passive Aggression, Kindly!
How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

You can also contact one of our coaches for a free coaching session, where you’ll receive private, one on one advice about your personal situation and the struggles you’re having with detachment and positivity. Call us today!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

80% of Men Feel They Have No Responsibility to Be Open With Loved Ones

October 6, 2011 By

80% of men prefer to “clam up” and not share their personal thoughts with loved ones, in order to avoid feeling vulnerable, rejected or criticized. This is according to a survey recently conducted by Creative Conflict Resolutions.

Creative Conflict Resolutions tested more than 900 men by using an online questionnaire, in order to determine the presence of passive aggressive behavior in each test-taker. This test has twenty-one questions about the way people approach communication and emotional issues in their relationship, and it is still available for free at their site, Passive Aggressive Test.

Their findings show that among passive aggressive men, and sometimes even with otherwise emotionally healthy men, there is an insistent urge to hide true feelings and opinions.

This leads to the confusing situation that many couples face during a passive aggressive relationship. The passive aggressive person makes promises, agrees, and otherwise goes along with his partner to avoid feeling vulnerable – but then doesn’t deliver, because they never really meant to. Their partners feel frustrated by this contradictory behavior, and confront the promise-breaker with this fateful message: “I think you might be passive aggressive.”

The result? A vicious cycle where the passive aggressive person retreats more, clams up more, trying to fly under their partner’s emotional needs radar. It turns into a situation of extreme isolation and growing lack of trust, which can end the marriage.

Another interesting statistic? 68% of the men tested said they found some satisfaction in being called out; they felt that had gotten “revenge” by breaking a promise to someone who deserved to be let down. Why the revenge? This is the core of the Creative Conflicts proposal: to find the heart of the passive aggressive person’s hurt, which prompts him to take revenge against people who are only looking for a deeper connection.

Creative Conflicts wants to share this information with both the passive aggressive man and his partner, addressing both the causes and the effects of passive aggressive behavior. “The partner of a passive aggressive person can spend the best 20-30 years of their life trying to decode this maddening double message, all while being accused of thinking crazy thoughts and be overly needy when the subject is brought up.

After analyzing the results and the implications thereof, Creative Conflicts created a new set of tools for the passive aggressive husband, to complement the tools they already offer for his unsuspecting partner. With their survey, Creative Conflicts gained greater perspective on the mindset of the passive aggressive man and where his emotional needs lie. Their tools outline the path and steps a passive aggressive man needs to take in order to heal his emotional disconnection and his sending double messages. Creative Conflicts’ new system is ready for their clients, and has already met with success. It can be found at Passive Aggressive System.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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