How to Deal With a Passive Aggressive Husband?

May 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In a passive aggressive relationship, underhanded and sneaky attacks are his preferred “weapons of mass destruction.”

You have been asking for a detailed plan to nullify your passive aggressive husband’s arsenal. Here it is: you will learn how to call the attack for what it is and then respond in a way that preserves you from being manipulated.

We have been offering our experience before, like Tips to manage PA Behaviors

Take our suggestions with a grain of salt:

we offer them as an extreme response for some of our women readers who really want to learn the most straightforward way of managing his passive aggression, experienced as a direct attack against them and their marriage.

Here’s a step by step process for counter-acting a passive aggressive attack.

Stop Listening and Start Looking

This step is based on the idea that, in a passive aggressive marriage, many interactions are foggy and vague (purposefully). Thus, the most important thing to remember here is that you must separate words and deeds, and look only at the facts. Regardless of what your partner says about “forgetting” and other promises, start asking yourself is there is:

  • Discrepancy between promises and delivery, causing delays;
  • Non-acceptance of responsibility;
  • “Good” words abounding, but no deeds.

These can be signs of passive aggressive punishment, provided they are consistent and often centered around one particular type of activity. Here’s a good example: if Robert generally is dependable and is home on time for Tina to attend her meetings, the one “miss” may not be motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often only sabotages Tina’s attendance to a particular event (her therapy sessions or her female friends’ group monthly dinner) while denying he is intending to do so, an attack pattern is emerging.


Start “Operation Consequence” if there is no match between words and results:

In order to nip his passive aggressive attack in the bud, you must show that you are going to handle it in an adult way, not with the child-like temper tantrum that he wants to see you degenerate into.


Your task is then to:

  • Suspect sabotage and resistance;
  • Suspend expectations;
  • Terminate cooperation.


Learn his hidden anger indicators:

You can halt future attacks in their tracks by learning his patterns and indicators. People are creatures of habit, and passive aggressive husbands are no different. Here are some examples of indicators that he is hiding his anger and is trying to attack/punish you:

  • Vengeful “accidental” actions, such as ruining belongings, deleting files, burning food, etc.;

  • Withdrawal of emotional response, such as refusing to share your joy over an accomplishment;

  • Detaching from family connections, such as deliberately ignoring family members you love.


Confront efficiently:

  • Collect proofs by having another person around or taking notes;
  • Prove connection between actions and damages by showing how one leads to another;
Establish responsibility by presenting him with the choice between adult behavior and consequences (being treated like the child he acts like).
“When you mistreat my parents, as you did this afternoon hanging up on them, I feel hurt because later I need to do a lot of repairs. Is this the way you want them to see you?”


Control Your Desire to Attack Back

  • Do not respond emotionally, as in throwing a tantrum (discussed above);

  • Remember that outraged reactions to passive-aggressive behavior emotionally reward the passive-aggressive husband.


Practice Self-Discipline

We say not to throw a tantrum at your husband, but anger and frustration is of course normal, and must be dealt with in a healthy way. So, you need to:

  • Work on yourself, to sort out any deep animosity you may have towards this person;
  • Examine the relationship and find moments in which you gave control, responsibility or power to this person;
  • Link the power given to him with the results obtained, and ask yourself: “Am I being shortchanged here”?
  • Pay attention to your first reaction, the emotional one, because this is probably the most truthful. You are allowed to feel resentful, frustrated or angry at his skillful defection; it’s a natural reaction. And it is the tantrum version of this reaction that your husband is setting you up to have. You can take back control by handling that anger in an adult way.

  • Now, you want to confront this person in the most productive way, diverging from showing this person how much he can hurt you. The “emotional outburst” type of confrontation will not serve your purpose. If you allow yourself to show your disappointment, then he has fulfilled his mission!

Decide what you want to accomplish:

Your counter-action rides on knowing what you’re trying to accomplish by recognizing and handling his passive aggressive attack. Ask yourself, what is your real goal upon seeing him attack you? What goal will help you live a better life and not be brought down to his level? It is to…

  • Let your husband know of your frustration?
  • Have a cathartic show of your own hurt?
  • Get him to finally deliver?


 All of these are worthy aims, but remember that the first two are dangerously close to the tantrum throwing result that he wants to see. Finally, what you want is to get him to deliver, right?

Is time then to do some Fair Fighting, in a calm, rational but direct way. Remember that the best way is to detach emotionally from any result, and see if he can recognize his involvement in this marriage and moves towards cooperating with you in making it happen.

 

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Seeing Eye to Eye With Your Passive Aggressive Husband

April 17, 2012 By 2 Comments

Although it may seem that your passive aggressive husband can hurt you by denying you big things (like a conversation, sex, a hug, or other connections), new studies are showing that our desire to be connected to others can ride on something as small as eye contact. This is why we’re sometimes bothered by something as “insignificant” as a stranger who “looks through us” as if we didn’t exist (something studied at Purdue University).

When your passive aggressive husband uses the cold shoulder and other intimacy denying techniques on you as “punishment,” it can feel doubly painful. First because you didn’t do something to deserve being ostracized, and second because denial of eye contact and other connection is very hard for any human to handle.If your passive aggressive husband has gotten to the point of not even making eye contact with you, we have some tips.What to do if this happens to you:

When talking to him, make a point of meeting his eyes whenever you have the opportunity. You never know when he’ll chance to look back, because sometimes he may be avoiding you out of some hidden shame or guilt. It will also show that you’re not going to back down and take his “punishment.”

Show him you’re not weak, and recoup your loss of intimacy, by making eye contact (and other types of connection, like simple greetings) with the people you love – and if you’re up for it, strangers you pass in the street. You’ll get a better feeling of connection to others and counteract the “loneliness games” your husband is playing.

Make it a point not to run or walk about of the room as soon as he shuts off and stops meeting your eye. This is important, because you need to break the cycle of: “I do this to her, she does what I want and leaves.” He must not be able to manipulate you, or even think that he can.

When you are mad at him, do not use his tactics against him (that is, don’t fight passive aggressive behavior with more passive aggression). This mode of operation obviously isn’t good for your household, and it will damage your peace of mind to deny connection to others the same way it is being denied to you.

Do you need more tactics for fighting denial of intimacy in your marriage? Talk to our conflict coach today, and receive a free coaching session.

Nora

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and  sign up for free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach, if you need a phone session that can change your life!
Filed Under: assertiveness, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband

How to Keep a Negative Husband Away

April 6, 2012 By 4 Comments

For many women, living with a passive aggressive man and his constant negativity can be a huge struggle. But for those who feel they need to stay in the marriage anyway (reasons can vary, person to person), living with a negative husband doesn’t have to be impossible.

The most important aspect to be aware of when staying with a passive aggressive husband is how his behavior impacts you – how you see yourself and your future, and how in control you are of your own life. Passive aggressive husbands thrive on taking those things away from you! That is what makes this relationship a toxic marriage.

There are certain needs a passive aggressive husband can fulfill for you, and living well despite his negativity relies on you finding out what these needs are. For some people, the passive aggressive husband’s wounds and issues help build the wife’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Please, watch out: can you see the danger in that? devoting yourself to ignoring your own needs under the cover of caring for his needs with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect. You will feel progressively emptier…

Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Staying in the relationship or leaving it – both require meeting your own problems head on. Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can find our book, “Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband,” at Passive Aggressive Husband.

Now, what are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. Even better is if you can gather the nerve to appreciate those aspects verbally to him.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you about the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love you when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

When feeling overwhelmed, detach: There might be moments when you really don’t know what else to do to tolerate this coexistence. If you still are convinced that staying married is necessary for you, then learn to detach. Make a list of your own interests: would you like to play bridge? Have a walking buddy? Going shopping to the mall? Going to educational classes at your community center? Have a set of friends for different purposes, which are not necessarily friends of the couple. Just GO, and forget if he is with you or left behind… Give yourself permission to receive pleasure and nurturing from friends, activities and learning wherever you can find them.

Compensate each negative comment with a positive thought: When he is constantly saying negative things, train your brain to think in the reverse position. Keep saying to yourself: “that’s true, but also can be true the opposite…so I can choose which one I believe.” So you keep a positive vision of your own future, which is exactly the point here.

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, Relationship Repair, sexless marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Healing yourself from emotional abuse? Lessons learned here!

April 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I don’t believe in blaming the abuse victim, and at the same time I’ve always subscribed to the philosophy that we are all somehow responsible for our own happiness. This does not mean we are to blame for all the unhappiness and pain in our lives; bad things happen and other people can hurt us for any reason and no reason.

But in life, the main challenge is that we are responsible for making our own happiness in spite of those things or even because of them.

If you have associated happiness with “the way my childhood was,” then probably you would be busy taking the trouble of recreating your childhood, regardless of whether it actually made you happy or unhappy. I know many women still fixate in finding their father’s double in every man they can find… and afterwords, they keep complaining about the unhappiness that such a relationship brought to them.

If you know that being cared for and respected by your partner is an important part of your happiness, be sure that you respect and care for yourself and your own projects first. Whatever makes you happy has to be cared for and included in your life plan, either single or married.

No matter what, what is important for you has to be important for any partner you select: don’t accept a long-term relationship where your spouse rejects or ignores an important dream of yours. It is the equivalent to rejecting a piece of you, so don’t agree on dumping this hobby or that craft only because he tells you it’s worthless.

Take stock of what you are looking for to make yourself happy—my friend always falls for only a bit of the whole person she wants to be in a relationship with (“he is a good provider”), and then most of her real values are ignored. How far do you think she can go in the relationship before feeling unappreciated and not valued?

Whatever the kind of emotional abuse suffered, we need to remember a basic task of life: to accept and love oneself is still to be done. We are responsible for a life project that is uniquely ours, non transferable and demanding to be finished. Sometimes it is clear to see that some women tend to accept the pain of an abusive relationship as a screen that covers up the self-abandonment.

Only when we recover the path to self-development, do we get in touch again with this wonderful person inside waiting to grow up, be mature and independent. Only then are we able to enter only into relationships full of support and respect.

Then, perhaps we can understand that the emotional abuse suffered was the necessary call to wake us up, force us to reconsider which kind of relationships we need and deserve, and move on to make it happen.

Releasing the emotional abuse from its negative frame and using it as a valuable tool for self-development is a bright way of making a painful situation serve us, in any relationship either it be marriage or other. Do you need help reframing the negative treatment you’ve received in your life, and use it for your self-growth? See Dr. Nora, for a one-on-one phone talk about what will work for you in your own life.

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, Passive Aggressive Husband, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why We Choose The Wrong Partner for Us

March 30, 2012 By 2 Comments

In thinking about why you married your passive aggressive husband, your reaction is probably one of these:

    • I married him because of ______, so I’m holding to see if I can get that back
    • I have no idea why I married this _____, I must have been out of my mind
    • He fooled me into thinking he was a ________ type of person

However, the real reason you picked an emotionally abusive person for your husband is probably deeper than all of these. Finding the real reason can help you understand your relationship, what your emotional needs are, and how what you’re doing today might be denying those needs.

In “Are You With the Right Mate,” an article at Science Today, Rebecca Webber breaks down how to tell whether you’re with the right partner. One part in particular discusses why we choose the partner that we do.

One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It’s hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don’t know what your needs or values are or haven’t developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.

This is especially true for couples who married young, as perhaps you did with your passive aggressive husband. Younger individuals have often not yet articulated what it is they really value and need, and so often find in their marriage a clash of ideals. However, that doesn’t explain why you were attracted to a passive aggressive man.Perhaps you were looking for someone not so controlling as the men of your family? Did you feel more comfortable with men not always telling you what to do? Was it liberating to be with someone who did not ask so many questions about your plans, your finances, or your friends?You can find all that in a PA man… at the beginning. But to imagine that the control battle has not to be fought, is an illusion. we all need to define what we want with our partners and negotiate agreements about almost everything along our lives.So, find someone who is willing to sit down and explore issues with you; who is not fastidious to “be done with it now” and that can express what he wants himself from the relationship now and in the future.
Do you need help understanding what personal needs drove you to marry a passive aggressive man? You can talk about your person situation with Dr. Nora Femenia, our relationship expert and conflict coach!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, sexless marriage, toxic relationship Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts