For the New Year, I know what I want;
It’s the same wish I always knew:
If having someone at my side:
- He will not make the rules – tell me what I do, where I can go, decide by himself who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
If accepting someone’s love, this love will not be:
- Conditioning approval and love to my doing exactly what he wants;
- Always right while I’m presented as always wrong;
- Forcing me to accept his sense of humor as right and my answers as “merely too sensitive.”
- Controlling me with his disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.
- Blaming me if he is angry on his own life.
And if I’m so nice as to accept, value and respect him, I don’t want to be under the illusion that because I love him and I’m nice to him, he will change and control himself.
This will only confirm him that he can get away with the crime of controlling and abusing me. If I want to keep the peace, I will have to be strong, let him know of my limits and say STOP! when he is hurting our relationship and me….
When my new life begins in 2012, I will stop making excuses for his behavior and have the courage to say STOP! every time my personal integrity is pushed around.
Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
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2 Comments
Sad, but so true. The name of this article should be “5 Tactical Manuvers to Survive marriage to a PA Husband”. They say it takes 2 to have a good marriage, but sadly in a marriage w/a PA person there is only one struggling to survive the war & one in “search & destroy” mode. How can you “love” someone who constantly seeks the “absolute destruction” of the other. On top of all the other factors that make a good marriage become a great marriage, in this marriage your always struggeling to get back to the person you were on your wedding day. By now the “Hopes & Dreams” you had for your marriage are gone as you struggle just to keep your sanity & self-esteem in tact day to day. If it takes this much work just to be married to a PA person, what hope do you have for the marriage & it’s “bright” future!
Debbie:
I believe people change over time. It takes two to keep a marriage together and only one to destroy it. I was once married to a PA ex-wife. If your PA husband is this way, and will not change by even seeking professional help, I say the marital comittment vows have already been broken. Life is too short to merely survive. Hope you find happiness.