When do you leave a passive aggressive man?
Some time ago, among the many letters from readers, a reader under the name “Kitten” wrote:
“I have read the information in this blog. The “changes” in the men seem to be because they “see the light” of their horrid ways. How many times does that actually happen in real life? I have one where no matter what, its all about him, and never (yes I know those are extreme words, but its true) about me. I have gone to therapy for years, and apparently the problems are not all my fault, as he led me to believe. He would never, in a million years, take any book I give him and read it, so frankly, I don’t see how this method could ever work.”
and “Dory” responded:
“Some see the light, others do not. Some see it ONLY when they realize they WILL lose their wife, aka “mommy” (ie. they no longer have control over her). So until some wives are ready to follow their words with action (divorce), they will not see results. Some, when they take that action will see a man who is ready to change, others will find a man who refuses to change. Regardless, that woman is “free” from the abuses of PA either in a changed man, or in a divorced man. Truth is, he divorced her in his heart LONG, LONG ago. She would just be putting to paper the “truth” of their marriage status. Sometimes the truth will set you free. Sometimes it also sets HIM free to realize his need to change. There are no guarantees, only second chances at life.”
What is the lesson here?
I’m very humbled at these two women…in a nutshell, they get to the core of the question: when is the right time to leave? and their answer is:
- When leaving is the last resort; when you have done ALL what you could, and got no meaningful responses;
- When you have no other way than to think about yourself and your future;
- When you have to take your own happiness in your own hands, and stop depending on his answers to be happy, or content with the direction your life is taking.
The key learning here is: When you are ready to send a strong message, followed by action:
I’m done waiting for you to be in this marriage with all you have;
I’m recovering my own life; our pact of loving each other is cancelled!
What is the lesson for you to think over?
You don’t need to wait up to the moment when you are at your wits’ end…you can leave when you have your message together, both the words and the action:
“I’m done waiting for you to be part of this marriage, so watch me leaving you. ..”
It’s not only talking…he will understand the danger of abandonment only when you are serious about recovering your own life! So, begin packing!