Comments on: Learn to detach from passive aggression

By: Pink

Pink — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:57:48 +0000

Isn't that brainwashing yourself? I agree that you can detach and it is a good thing to do in an abusive situation but its really important not to detach from the truth either, no matter how sad it is. Better to ditch this zero before you have wasted your life in a spiritless marriage.

Pink

By: Pink

Pink — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 09:57:48 +0000

Pink

By: Nora Femenia

Nora Femenia — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 15:47:06 +0000

Debra,
you are right, it consists on changing your own reactions. The only person you can modify is yourself; no amount of begging or preaching will change your partner. The best way is to offer a different response, so the other person has to change himself! If you have your own interests and pursue them, his mood will not sabotage your own growth. Then, it's up to him: will he choose to follow you and grow also? or remain a moody child? In the first choice, you will have a partner, in the second, the need to find better company for your interests will be obvious. He is the only one who can decide and force himself to grow up to be with you!

By: Debra

Debra — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 22:10:05 +0000

The whole issue of “detaching” confuses me. When you are forced to detach from the very person, who you think you still love, is you are trying to change who you are. The problem w/a PA person is there the one who needs to change. I did detach; it was the best thing I ever did since I realized I was just wasting the rest of my life & if I was going to have any kind of life whatsoever, I had to detach from this person not only emotionally, but forever legally. Sometimes it just get's to that point.

By: Nora Femenia

Nora Femenia — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 20:36:20 +0000

Sameena,
so sorry to hear the depth of cruelty this person is showing to you! You gathered the courage to put a stop to this destructive behavior, and that is what counts; I really congratulate you in leaving him.
I don't know why people can do so cruel things; what I know is that two episodes (first, the abuse by your family relatives; second the abuse by your husband) have made you stronger. Take special care of yourself and make a plan to make yourself happy no matter what….You don't need to forgive if you don't feel like doing it; what you need is some rationale for his extremely cruel behavior. I hope you can find in yourself some explanation.
There is a book: “Why good people do bad things” by James Hollis, which I can recommend to understand his behavior.
Wishing you well,

By: Sameena

Sameena — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 19:58:07 +0000

The best thing is not to waste any time wiht a passive aggressive personality type. I ruined 12 years of my life wiht a man with PA personality and everything that made me human was denied to me, he even used an extremely traumatic incident of my life to torture me mentally, by making cruel remarks and inviting to our home the person who caused the trauma (my sexually abusive sibling and parent). Like all abuse survivors, I was frightened of my abusers and needed to make my marital home a safe place where they could never come, but just to maintain his control, my husband would keep inviting them to our house, making a mockery of the many years of sexual abuse I suffered at these people's hands. Now I am divorced but I still find it extremely hard to forgive and extremely shocking that my husband treated my trauma as just another weapon to be used to terrorize me. How can a man be this cruel?

By: Nora Femenia

Nora Femenia — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:55:24 +0000

Perhaps we could call it selective vision, instead of detachment?

By: Nora Femenia

Nora Femenia — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 03:12:17 +0000

It's not easy. Detaching means being able to watch the behavior, watch it done with the intention to hurt you, and dodge the bullet. Think of: “I will ignore this negative comment, or put down, etc.” and see it as NOT touching you. It's a choice: convince yourself not to see the damaging attitude. If you can train yourself to be able to observe and recognize the minimal positive behavior, then you are on the right path. In short: ignore the bad; praise the good. If you detach from all, it's true that the emotional connection gets weakened. Try to keep the most positive image of him, while on purpose being blind to hurtful behavior. And remember to take care of yourself first!

By: Anony

Anony — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 21:13:10 +0000

How do you balance this sense of detachment w/o damaging your marriage? I used detachment as a method previously and found that I detached from my husband completely emotionally and it caused a lot of problems in our marriage. How do I detach from the hurt and not from the man if I want to save my marriage?