When facing the task of sharing my ideas around…there is always this question before me: who would be interested?

Let’s assume that you are interested in this short reflection?

Speaking about conflict is a gray area…people normally don’t want to focus on it, but when confronted with painful situations that demand a response now…That is the moment when you want to recall or know the strategies to manage this overwhelming situation…and you don’t have them

In my own life, conflict seemed to ambush me. Unexpected situations where others were upset at me, about reasons I could not understand…silly behaviors done without any bad intentions, done out of routine decisions, were interpreted as purposeful offenses. I didn’t know how to deal with those sudden confrontations, coming out of the blue!

What I never saw coming, was the impact that my own actions could have on others. It was as if I was inside a bubble, only accountable to myself, going along in a world where nobody else was connected with me. People wanting to confront me felt as if they needed to shake up my bubble by screaming at me…or so they told me! 

Has it happened to you? people telling you that whatever you are doing, on your own, however stupid or banal, is for them an offense, an attack or a sleigh of hand? 

I was forced to look at the inter-connectedness of all people…if I go to my office dressing in this or that way, how are people going to react? what kind of message, conscious or unconscious am I sending them? The impact of this perspective is sometimes too much! I want to say: “whatever others think of me is their own business, I don’t have to care about their experiences with me…it’s all in their imagination!”

Now, please, imagine the same scenario between two married people…and the possibilities are dizzying…  There is no easy escape hatch: I can’t say: it’s all in his/her imagination…because that imagination is an active part of the marriage deal: I see you, you see me; then, I see you seeing me, and imagining or interpreting Z, but is really X, (I said: “No dinner today, I will not cook”) and you saw my laziness when I wanted to express my being so tired…You see me seeing you, and coming up with a view of you that is insulting, or demeaning, or denigrating my intentions…

Of course, you know what is coming…I had to begin sending messages and a disclaimer at the same time:

HERE IS THE MESSAGE: “Can we get take out food tonight? Can you get something fast?”

HERE IS THE DISCLAIMER: “I’m telling you this, because I want you to understand my (feelings: I’m dead tired today ) and we need to come up with the best solution to get dinner on the table fast”

I don’t have an easier solution here. Only the option of explaining myself all the time, (for a looong time…) up to the moment when the other person, just by looking at me, will infer the right reason I’m doing X….at this moment, perhaps this is the best definition of a good marriage I can come up with: “a permanent situation where the other person can see my motivations in the right way and go along, without me having to explain myself all the time.”

Now, wouldn’t it be a good thing? It looks like being recognized as the person I am! such a wonderful thing…So much, that I’m ready to fight if I don’t get it!

This is why we need to have marital conflicts! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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  What show of affection are you getting this year?

(FROM AN EMAIL JUST RECEIVED FROM CELINE, A READER….THANKS FOR THIS GORGEOUS EXAMPLE OF PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION!)

        “I just found that my mother in law is going to get this Mother’s Day Card from my husband, Matt. I could not resist to share with you, Nora!….

        He bought this card at the grocery store, when getting our groceries, and is doing his draft at my kitchen table…because he is ready to do his errands.”

Hi Mom,

I was intending to send this card in the mail in time for Mother’s day, but got distracted. However, you know that I’m around, don’t you?

So, no harm either in me not visiting you yet this year?

You say you called me? But you know I have work issues going on at this time and do not have time to consider and respond to any call.

Yes, I hear you, you are always complaining, because you want mushy love words…well, you are overreacting, as usual.

You know that you are the only mother I had…let’s leave it here.

You got flowers from dad, right? So, what’s the problem? you have your flowers..

Well, bye now

Your son, Matt

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The basics of learning in life are given to us in that school called “relationships.”

We all need relationships to survive at birth and later to develop and thrive. Human relationships serve the purpose of mutual support and reciprocal confirmation of our worth as human beings.

Is in this give and take of acceptance and confirmation, that we get to build a strong sense of self. Confirmation messages tell the little person growing up the assurance that he or she is accepted, loved and thus, integrated into and belonging to some collective: “our family,” “our marriage.” Children yearn to hear: “You are one of us, because you look like your father, or mother, of granny Beth…” And grown ups cherish someone telling them: “I love you; you are important to me.”

The problem is, few people know this truth….They think that relationships are built to be happy, not to learn…so when things go sour, the get distraught and upset. The saddest cases are of those couples living in emotionally empty marriages, with emotional abuse or passive aggression as their lot. Don’t they have a right to be happy? Yes, but it will not happen by wishing to be happy, but by going through the conflict situation and learning the lessons…

How many times do you see people refusing to accept confrontation and conflict as a part of relationships? They hide the differences, and refuse to engage in a clean confrontation as many times as they can…and so perpetuate conflict, make eternal enemies and reap unhappiness.

So, what is this new “conflict frame” I want to offer to you here?

People start conflict, not because they initially want to destroy the connection with their significant Other, but because they need some missing confirmation from their significant Other.

We are always moved by our needs, and the search for satisfaction of those needs….In the case of the need for love and connection, (supposed to be satisfied by the marriage contract itself), either this confirmation of the other person’s love and undying interest on us is spontaneously provided, and we thrive, or it has to be pulled out of the Other, by means of some confrontation.

But we can’t avoid searching for elements of love that can feed our need!

Conflict is the activity that allows us to define our needs.

By confronting each other, we get to know what we want, what is that we reject, and basically to know who we are. Reciprocal confrontation helps us to know how others see us, and to compare that image with how we see ourselves, and manage the difference.

Fair or positive conflict is the activity that allows us to negotiate our inclusions without anger and doing so, reciprocally, we get to know who we are, how others see us, what is what they love and reject in us, how we are evolving as perceived by others, and basically, helps us know who we are becoming.

In short, this is what you need to know about the role of conflict in your life:

Conflict is inevitable, so accept it in your life. Don’t be surprised or scared by it, BUT LEARN HOW TO INCLUDE CONFLICT INTO THE SKILLS TO BE LEARNED:

• how to use the connection with another person to grow up
• how to tolerate , be patient, listen to the other side’s perspective

If you would like to know about a way to fight with love and respect, here is some useful step by step information.

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Man watching in silence

There are multiple ways your own emotional needs can be ignored here. Please, read on to see how you can protect yourself from more pain and frustration.

I.- Here’s a step by step process to deal with your husband’s behavior:

Put your attention in what he does, not in what he says:

In passive aggressive communications, he can keep many interactions vague and confusing on purpose.

You must separate words and deeds, and look only at the facts.

What is what he is doing now?

Regardless of what your partner says about “forgetting details,” start asking yourself is there is:

• Discrepancy between what he promises and what he delivers;
• Avoidance of his responsibility, always blaming others;
• “Good” words expressed, but nothing to show.

You can look at those behaviors and see indicators of passive aggressive punishment, provided they are consistent and often centered around one particular type of activity. Here’s a good example: if Robert generally is dependable and is home on time for Tina to attend her meetings, the one “miss” may not be motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often only sabotages Tina’s attendance to a particular event (her therapy sessions or her female friends’ group monthly dinner) while denying he is intending to do so, an attack pattern is emerging.

II.- Start “Operation Consequence” if there is no match between words and results:

In order to nip his passive aggressive attack in the bud, you must show that you are going to handle it in an adult way, taking action and not throwing a fit, as he expects you to do.

a) Your task is then to:

• Suspect sabotage and resistance;
• Suspend expectations: “I don’t wait for you to show for the party one hour late”
• Say gently: “As I could not be sure you would go, I decided to do it alone.”.

b) Learn his hidden anger indicators:You can halt future attacks in their tracks by learning his patterns and indicators. People are creatures of habit, and passive aggressive husbands are no different. Here are some examples of indicators that he is hiding his anger and is trying to attack/punish you:

• Vengeful “accidents” such as ruining only your things: deleting files, burning food, etc.;
• No emotional reaction, indifference to share your joy over an accomplishment;
• Detaching from the people or family members you love, no reason given

c) Confront efficiently:

• Collect proofs by having another person around or taking notes;
• Prove connection between actions and damages by showing how one leads to another;

Establish responsibility by presenting him with the choice between child or adult behavior, like:
“When you mistreat my parents, as you did this afternoon hanging up on them, I feel hurt because later I need to do a lot of explaining. Is this the way you want them to see you?” 

d) Control Your Desire to Attack Back

• Detach as not to respond emotionally, as in crying or throwing a tantrum (discussed above);
• Remember: if you have outraged reactions to passive-aggressive behavior, you are emotionally rewarding the passive-aggressive husband.

e) Practice much-needed detachment and self-discipline

We say not to throw a tantrum at your husband, but you will gather a lot of anger and frustration living with him…It is of course normal, and must be dealt with in a healthy way. So, you need to:

• Work on yourself, to sort out any deep animosity you may have towards this person;
• Examine the relationship and find moments in which you gave control, responsibility or power to this person;
• Link the power given to him with the results obtained, and ask yourself: “Am I being shortchanged here”?
• Pay attention to your first reaction, the emotional one, because this is probably the most truthful. You are allowed to feel resentful, frustrated or angry at his skillful defection; it’s a natural reaction. And it is the tantrum version of this reaction that your husband is setting you up to have. You can take back control by handling that anger in an adult way. Keep breathing deeply so you can control yourself!

• Now, you want to confront this person in the most productive way, diverging from showing this person how much he can hurt you. The “emotional outburst” type of confrontation will not serve your purpose. If you allow yourself to show your disappointment, then he has fulfilled his mission!

III. Decide what is it that you need to accomplish:

Is is basic that you  know what you’re trying to accomplish, by recognizing and handling his passive aggressive attack. Ask yourself, what is your real goal upon seeing him sabotage you and your best projects?

What goal will help you live a better life and not be brought down to his level? It is to…

• Let your husband know of your frustration? what is accomplished here?
• Have a cathartic show of your pain, so you can feel better, and he knows how to hurt you?
• Get him to finally deliver? Now, you are talking! you need him to deliver!

All of these are worthy aims, but remember that the first two are dangerously close to the tantrum throwing result that he wants to see. Finally, what you want is to get him to deliver, right?

Is time then to do some Fair Fighting, in a calm, rational but direct way. You can learn here how to fight for the satisfaction of your emotional needs.

Remember that the best way is to detach emotionally from any result, and see if he can recognize his involvement in this marriage and moves towards cooperating with you in making it happen.

If you get him involved in his own healing through following the Six Steps to Stop Your Passive Aggression, then you are in the good path to recovery…

Good luck!

Desperately Dealing with a Passive Aggressive Husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Are you feeding your passive aggressive husband’s behavior?

When having my coaching calls with passive aggressive husbands who really want to improve their marriages, I find something very interesting. The first piece of information that changes the pressure they feel from their wives, is to explore the roots of their hidden war against their parent’s control. The second one is to admit that in their present marriages, they usually experience their wives’ desperate attempts to connect with them as another edition of the same past control…

It means that they are always acting in this manner because they perceive it as an effective way to either avoid any responsibility or lash out at others in positions of authority, in this case the wife. Funny is, when you look at her behaviors, the first response the wife has is to try to control his passive aggression with more supervision, control and detailed “what to do” lists that accomplish exactly the contrary effect… From here, an spiral of corresponding behaviors is installed in place:

• The more she tries to control his behaviors, the more gross his passive aggression;
• The more blatant his passive aggressive behaviors are, the more desperate she gets and it prompts her to try to control him in more life aspects…
• And so on, and on…in a maddening circle!

Are you stuck in this process? The more you try to control his behavior, the worst he delivers?

If you are here, take a deep breath and STOP. STOP COLD TURKEY, please! STOP!

This spiraling conflict is a waste of your energy, you are going nowhere fast…..and there are other ways of reacting. As it is now, the only response you get is a bunch of excuses, that take you nowhere.

SO, what’s the answer? Make an effort to detach from this expectation: (“If I tell him exactly what needs to be done, and supervise him closely, he will do it”) You are his partner, not a supervisor!

STOP all the control; Look at what needs to be done; take the part of the tasks you can do, and do them. The rest, hire someone to do them, or negotiate some way of taking care of them. The point is to reduce the amount of issues you need to control and get done. Give him only the tasks that, if left undone, will hit him the worst.

Make him responsible for dealing with his anger: the anger from his past life, with the family he spent his childhood with; the present anger with the interactions he believes are reproductions of his past childhood abuse.

You can say: “I’m not your mother, who used to control you and not respond to your needs; this is your marriage, and we are both grown ups.”

Focus on the tasks to be done: “This issue is your responsibility: I will expect you to do it, if you don’t (as a way of hurting me), I will protect myself from the consequences in this way.”

Keep saying that:

1. you now know he has old anger issues present here and now;
2. that his projecting his old anger on this marriage is wrong;
3. that those issues need to be resolved by himself;
4. that you will protect yourself from his anger sabotages, because they are unjust and ill directed.

Basically, you are pushing him in the path of reviewing what parts of his childhood are now destroying his present marriage. Here is the resource with all the information necessary for him to work his hidden, past anger and connect with you in the now.

How are you feeding your passive aggressive husband’s behavior? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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There is no other situation as marriage to allow an intimate view of the person at your side.

It is through daily interaction that you get the behavioral bits that will make your definitive image of your loved one.

And how do we do this day-by-day task of perceiving the other near us?

In mediation, we use a very practical question that dissipates the confusion about what motivates a person to act:

Because we are concerned about  each person’s capacity to develop and honor agreements with others, the basic dilemma is to decide if this person:

  Is this person:

 more interested in pursuing his/her own individual goals,

  Or is more interested in pursuing common goals?

To the degree they are bent on option a) or b) we can express the degree in which a person is self-focused, or is focused on others around her/him.

We call them either a) individualistic, or selfish people, or b) community-oriented people.

Both vectors are complementary, that is to say the % of energy directed towards self (let’s say 80%) leaves only the rest  (20%)  to be directed to discuss community interests of the others around.

So, is your partner more interested in issues that concern him (his time, interests, money, golf game, self-esteem, sexual gratification, etc) than on listening and solving your needs/interests?

If his conversations go around his own issues (where are my clothes; when will I have my dinner, etc), and rarely they go towards you and your interests (are you going to see the movie that you like this weekend?)

then,probably you have a self-centered person accidentally locked inside the most community-oriented institution, that is marriage.

In Other Words, You Married a Narcissist!

Do you want to read the rest of the posting? Of course, you want!

Please, go here: Narcissistic Husband

Waiting for your comments!

The pain of living with a narcissistic husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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How can you plan your healing after passive aggressive relationships?

 If you have been living for some time within the passive aggressive cycle of abuse, there is some healing to be done!

First, let’s use a bit of time to go over what are the possible impacts on you. Even if you don’t see them clearly, it is possible that you have been affected in several aspects of your personality.

Let’s list some of the possible effects, estimating that you have been in this relationship around 2-3 years?

After a consistent passive aggressive cycle of abuse, you can expect to define yourself as having or being:

• poor self-esteem;
• confused about what you aspire to do with your life;
• insecure about your intellectual capacity;
• waiting to receive permission to say what you want;
• intimidated and forced to squash your creativity in order not to receive his angry critiques.

This is a self-destructive situation that will not improve by itself. You will become more and more poor in enthusiasm, energy and motivation to achieve your dreams. After getting to be for more time in this relationship, it will be difficult to remember the vital, healthy person you were at the beginning…

And you don’t want to realize after twenty years, that the progressive devastation of your dreams has continued, right?

I.- Self Help with passive aggressive husband?

Wondering what can you do by yourself, if you happen to have not immediate help around?

Here are the Steps:

Recognize that you are participant in his crooked and sad vision of what a marriage is; now, tell yourself this is not the marriage you deserved

Hear you deep voice saying that you can’t taker loneliness and abandonment any longer, and make it real this time

Walk around your house and say goodbye to the lack of love, attention, sex and recognition you experience just here…

If you need to cry, do it while saying : I cry because I’m saying goodbye to all this misery….”

Now, with tears or not, go to your desk and write down your own plan to recover yourself:

II.- Think about taking back power from a passive aggressive man

Here are the Steps:

Get to accept that all his shenanigans are only coming from a poor, deficient and insecure attachment with his mother/caretaker;

Give up the pretense that you are responsible for his behavior; it was learned way before he met you!

Look around and finally see the poor environment you are developing with him, and detach: this is NOT what your dreams promised you;

And tell yourself not to fear change any minute longer, in order to go/have/be where you want to be…

Do some deep breathing inhalations and feel the negative and love-starved context he put you in, and imagine yourself walking out to a sunny, warm space.

Now, write down your vision of who you want to be, and what you want to be doing….

 NOW, would you like to add here your own steps? Those that you have developed after so much thinking and praying, and that have worked for you?

You can either leave a comment at the bottom, or go to “ASKNORA” and post your comment… We love hearing from you! Thanks a lot!

Meanwhile, if you want  more information by reading this interesting text:

“The Silent Marriage: How Passive Aggression Steals Your Happiness”

Or, you can get extra help by rebuilding your self esteem, here

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1.- Not Giving Your Partner the First Place.

You will be sending a sad message: perhaps your work, a bunch of high school friends, of course some games, your family of origin…everything can be more important than this person you have chosen to share your life with. Giving this person very little attention is active neglect, almost an insult, and it sends a very strong message. If you consistently neglect your partner, you can be assured that any love feelings will not be strong enough as to keep the marriage going. You can be an ex-husband fast!

2.- Allowing Yourself  Angry Explosions for almost Nothing.

Of course, you will say that anger  is a normal reaction!. And it’s right: at some time, each one of us gets angry. It’s what you do with your anger what matters here. Even when you feel angry, because there is a good reason to be angry, be respectful and reassure your partner that you are just angry, not attacking them. And if you are angry at your partner, calm down; get a sip of water, breathe deeply so you are able to express the reasons for that anger in a way that the other person can accept and understand. No personal attacks, and a lot of Fair Fighting is necessary! Remember, lots of personal attacks will make of you a terrible spouse.

3.- Hurling Unfair Accusations against your Spouse.

If you, because anger clouds your mind, begin accusing your partner of not caring about you, having never loved you, dating someone else when they are five minutes late from work, or intentionally trying to hurt you, or  any other negative comment you can fabricate, STOP!

This accusations are very destructive; they can get you in deep trouble and get nothing for you because it is abuse. You are only showing how much out of control you can! By scaring your partner you only get the other person in the defensive, always thinking of your next explosion, and now really having to hide some information from you, and this will end up destroying your relationship.  If there is something bothering you that  you need to talk with him/her, sit down and ask in a courteous way and respect the other person’s limits.

4.- Constant Fighting.

If you are constantly bickering with your partner, and finding things you are upset or negative about, you are in the wrong business. Remember that you need to do five positive comments to cancel out one negative or demeaning comment done to your partner…Learn how to be an active listener. If you cannot effectively do this exercise, then you might want to seek professional counseling. Fighting with your spouse all the time is akin to being angry all the time, and when it happens in public, humiliates both of you. Write in a piece of paper the list of your complaints, ask for some dedicated time to talk, and do some negotiation about the issues that irritate you. After that, forget your mood and try to be optimistic and joyful. Life doesn’t owe you anything, remember?

5.- Disrespectful or Demeaning Comments.

These don’t serve any kind of healthy relationship, and you should particularly avoid them if you want to keep the other person happy. There is always a cleaner, more direct way to communicate your needs than being demeaning, and forget about doing negative critiques about your spouse to your friends, or in public! this is basically dishonest and reveals how childish your behavior can be. Even better, could you train yourself in being appreciative of her presence in your life? Talk about the joy this person brings to your life, finally?

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Do you want to learn how to stop your own passive aggressive behavior?

Perhaps you’re just now realizing that your past marriage struggles were connected to your own behavior, or perhaps you’ve come to terms with the fact that you need help stopping some action that you didn’t even know you were doing. See, listening to your spouse really teaches you what needs fixing, and this goes both ways!

The best place to start is with your own self and your own story:

Need some help? Let’s look at an example of a reaction:

Need more help identifying basic passive aggressive behaviors, and applying them to your situation?

How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Refusing to Bounce the Boomerang Back: Your Role in Limit Setting and Talking Straight to a passive aggressive husband!

While it is difficult to be a partner of a man who continually frustrates you with his passive aggressive behavior, there are some things than a woman can do to break into his non involvement pattern. There must be a way to end the loneliness, you must be thinking! Here we offer one method:

When the partner understands the problem and attacks it with determination using straight talk, some of the man’s irritating behavior can change. Depending upon the severity of the passive aggressive stance, small inroads can be made. However, there is no easy cure for this life long habit.

Here are some ideas for fair fighting which work with all types of personalities but are especially helpful for dealing with passive aggressive behavior.

This approach works for both the withdrawing partner or the defiant teenager. Note–this is no easy task–it takes hard work to be direct and straight to the point at all times.

Remember YOU ARE NOT HIS THERAPIST–DON’T TRY TO ANALYZE HIM–JUST SET THINGS STRAIGHT WHEN THEY GO OFF TRACK, THEN DROP THE SUBJECT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

• Watch how you hook in. Observe your unrealistic expectations for him to change. Don’t demand more than he can willingly give. Hire out projects you think he won’t carry through on. Get realistic–try to figure out where he can realistically change and what is set in stone for him.
• Set firm limits for yourself. Stick to them like glue. State them repeatedly. Use ‘I messages’ to share feelings of disappointment. Don’t protect him from your unhappy feelings. Accept no excuses when he says he couldn’t help it. Tell him that it is a choice he made. Tell him how his behavior injures or affects others. Ask him if he would like to be treated this way. When he says he forgot, point out that he remembers things that are important to him. Ask him how he would feel if you forgot to do things important to him.
• Pick your fights wisely. Choose your stand wisely focusing the most important things. Overlook his neurotic traits but intervene on those behaviors that are most irritating to you.
• Look at your own passive style of avoiding conflict. Watch how you blow off the important things and blow up at small things. Own up when you use passivity to avoid conflict. If he throws it back at you say, ‘This is not about you turning it back on me when I’m honest about my own shortcomings. We are trying to identify patterns that are unhealthy for us. Notice your need to blame me when I’m trying to be straight.’
• Make an agreement of ‘No trash talk’ when arguing. Stick to one subject. Don’t allow the argument to go off track. (This is not about ___, we’re discussing ___) Agree to take time out to cool down and return to the topic. Learn stress management techniques to handle your anxiety during the time out period. Read articles on fair fighting to ways to resolve conflict.
• Encourage him to make decisions–accept whatever you can during this time of building his confidence about committing himself on small matters. Whenever possible be noncritical of his actions. When you must criticize, be critical of his behavior, not him. Wild recriminations and threats only make him retreat more to his cave of isolation and anger.
• When he doesn’t follow through and says, ‘I can’t,’ remind him that it means he won’t because he doesn’t feel like doing what is asked. Ask him to be more honest and say that he doesn’t want to do what you asked. Point out the lack of effort when he is unwilling to do something boring or disagreeable. Make fewer demands on him and only ask for what you absolutely need.
• Point out how he distorts the truth and discounts problems that he creates. Use gentle, direct confrontation. Don’t humor, placate or make excuses for his behavior. Challenge double messages and ambiguous plans. Point out his indirect, non answers and sitting on the fence statements. Pin him down on his confusing the issue to save his skin. When he says, ‘You know how I say things I don’t mean.’ Confront him with ‘How do I know which half? When you give me mixed messages I get so confused that I don’t feel loving and close to you.’
• Point out his victim messages. He may beat himself up first so you will feel sorry for him and won’t punish him. Show how his self-defeating talk clouds the issue of his not completing his responsibilities. Praise him in areas he does do well often to build up his self-confidence. Stress your commitment to the relationship and how it could be good for both if the two of you work out a process of dealing with conflict. Discuss his fears of being dependent upon you and how that’s related to rebellion. Watch how you invade his privacy and undermine his decision making. Ask him how what you could do to make him feel safer. If he refuses to acknowledge his fears, remind him that we all have fears and fear is constructive in that it helps us learn about ourselves. Tell him that the mature person faces his fears rather than denying them. The only way to deal with fear is to face it–fears faced can be overcome. Tell him, ‘The next time you feel like you are being swallowed up, just watch your feelings. Face them. Sit with them and they will pass.’

And these are extra points: see if you can apply them? 

When he blames you for not trusting him or says he can’t trust you, point out how he has betrayed your trust in the past. Tell him trust must be earned and you would like greater trust between the two of you. Ask him for a plan to build trust (doing what he says he will do, stop saying yes when he knows he won’t get around to doing what you want, etc.)

If he flares up and blames you when you give information, ask him to look at his feeling put down when given information. Point out his pattern of needing to sulk and how that makes the problems worse. Tell him, ‘I feel the hostility in your walling yourself off. There is nothing we can’t talk about. We can work this out if we keep it on the table. Let’s talk.’ Point out the positive benefits of feedback and criticism as something he can learn about himself. Be willing to receive feedback and criticism yourself. Redefine the relationship as being open to hearing unpleasant things that will promote positive change. Together, learn ways to cope with the unpleasant feelings that being criticized brings up.

Call his attention to every attempt to manipulate or control you through anger. His anger is expressed through withdrawal, sarcasm, irritability and intimidation. Tell him, ‘People who are constantly angry have a lot of fear. Let’s try to figure out what pushes your anger buttons to bring our power struggles out in the open. Show how anger unexpressed may go underground and fester.

Take an anger management workshop together to learn to express uncomfortable feelings in safe, appropriate ways. Bring his submerged rage out into the open by saying, ‘I sensed some hostility in how you dealt with this issue. Could we explore this together?’ Convince him it’s okay to be angry Allow him to be more direct. Learn tactics of fair fighting and using anger in constructive ways.

Learn to deal with your own anger in appropriate ways. Observe your anger reactions, which fuel his determination to out wit you with passivity. Nagging and reopening the subject make things worse. Drop it and move on. Remember that the incorrect expression of anger is at the root of both his and your issues. Your choice daily is to state your anger in direct, firm, fair ways.

Challenge the silent treatment by saying ‘When you refuse to talk with me, I get upset. Both of us angry is poison for our relationship. When you don’t talk to me, I make wild assumptions that further distance us. We are two intelligent people who can talk this out. What do we really want in our relationship–angry silence or problem solving?’ State consequences when he refuses to negotiate and compromise. Get a reality check from someone you trust on options for consequences. Follow through on consequences.

Ask for compromises as a way for the relationship to win. State your compromise, ask him for his. Insist on his making an offer to resolve the problem if he doesn’t like your ideas. Keep the focus on problem solving. Point out that true partnerships work with each other as focused allies working on the issue. Sing the Beatle song, ‘You see it your way, I see it my way, we can work it out. We can work it out!’ Demonstrate how his nonclosure of a chronic problem and his noninvolvement affects him, you and the relationship. Keeping pushing the concept that the two of you can overcome any problem.

Don’t dwell on disappointment. Don’t take his refusal personally–see it as learned behavior, which he uses to avoid confrontation. Learn stress management techniques to deal with your own hurt and sense of betrayal. Take a meditation or yoga class to learn deep breathing to deal with stress. Learn to observe your own disappointment rather than wallowing in it.

Take courses on couples communication. Go into marriage counseling with someone who understands this passive aggressive man–angry wife dynamic. If he refuses, get help in understanding your own need to continue in an unhappy relationship.

A lot, really? Well, remember that you need to survive and be the most happy you can in this difficult situation...Here is more help to deal with the passive aggressive personality!

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