We received this poignant letter…it doesn’t ask for a response; only the possibility of being listened to in this important question:
“Do my connection and emotional needs have a place in this marriage?”
Of course, you know the response:
A healthy, supportive marriage is a home for your emotional needs of any kind! This role is at the core of a good marriage: reciprocal support.
Here is the letter:
“I keep coming back to what I understand a true marriage is: a relationship where you support and respect and love each other….so, why I’m feeling so abandoned? I was expecting that
that my emotional needs were going to be important to my partner. Perhaps he doesn’t know them, or even if he d
does not understand them, but if I communicate my needs, I expect him to try and meet them if he really cares and loves me.
What I get sometimes is that he tries to silence my pain or undermine how I feel.
I keep asking from my friends what is their definition of marriage….I don’t want to give up my own idea that he would show willingness to address my emotional needs and he would want to find out how he could fill or assist with my needs, as I do with whatever he may need from me. How can I be so wrong? what is marriage, then?
In my definition of marriage, I would like him to feel the WANT to fill my needs instead of becoming immediately very defensive about him being the cause of my lack of fulfillment.
I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who loves me and cares enough for me to listen to my needs and try to fill some of them. I’m not asking for someone perfect to fulfill my every wish and desire, just someone who loves me enough to TRY, to want to do things that make me feel happy and loved. And, I would do the same for that partner. With my passive aggressive husband, I feel like he gives me the exact opposite of anything I ask for. I would like to feel as if I matter. I would like to feel as if making me happy is a real goal of his. Instead, I am always being “punished” somehow for expressing any emotional needs at all. He is so scared of not being “enough” for me, that he never really listens to what I’m asking for..
I would like to feel heard, loved, cared for, listened to; I would liked to be kissed and hugged; I would like to hear him say “I’m sorry”, “I’m gonna try my best”, “I love you”…
I would like that he at least notices if or when I’m upset and “offers” to listen to me, discuss the situation and offer ideas on how we can both be satisfied.
My emotional needs are important, and they should be included and listened to, with love and respect and without hostility…
I would like to feel my emotional needs are as important as his or anyone else’s. Every human being needs these things to feel a connection to the good in the world. We need freedom from the emotional denial that devalues us. We simply need respect, in simple actions as the willingness to listen. Is this too much to ask in a marriage, at least a normal one?”
I appreciate your listening,
NOW, we are throwing this question to you:
How much do you feel listened to when you express your emotional needs?
How much do you share or not Sally’s questions?
What could you answer to her?
Thanks for your answers!