Comments on: Healing a Passive Aggressive Marriage?

By: Debbie

Debbie — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 00:45:18 +0000

The look on his face was absolutely “PRICELESS” when I told him I was divorcing him. It was the night before our daughter’s graduation from the Naval Academy. We had rented a house in Annapolis for the week; he was so awful to me the whole week I couldn’t believe how bad he was getting. The night before graduation, my daughter had an arguement w/me & for some reason told her dad about it. He approaches me late that night, after the rest of visiting family had retired for the evening saying “you know this is Sam’s graduation & it’s not all about you”. I was shocked didn’t know “what the Heck he was talking about”, but this is what I said. “Don’t ever talk to me about Sam again; I will never ever discuss her w/you again”. By the way, I’m divorcing you when we get home; I’ve literally been waiting for her to graduate from College so I could leave. I also asked him “how long did you think I would put up w/your physical, verbal & emotional abuse”?. He was really caught off guard. When I mentioned one particularly event in which he tried to choke me saying “you didn’t even apologize”……he said “it never happened”. I said Well guess what “did you forget your daughter was there & should be go & talk to her about it”. He said we would talk to her & I told him “he was F…ing Sick” He turned to walk away, but turned around to say “but I love you”. I laughed in his face & said “no you don’t”. He turned & walked away. The next day he tried to put his arm around me as we walked into the stadium for the graduation; I gave him the evil eye & told him to take his hands off me…..his family was there, but I don’t believe they heard me. I wasn’t trying to make a scene of any kind; I knew he was panicking now.
He moved out 20 days after we got home; I don’t talk to him on the phone only through email. It has been the best thing I have done in 32 yrs.; I say him for “court” & realized I had no feelings for him whatsoever. Actually this X-mas season has been the best in 30 yrs. I know it sounds strange, but I’m finally free & happy.

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:59:34 +0000

Can you tell me what your husbands response was when you said you were going to leave? How long you have been separated and what your relationship is like now?

By: Debbie

Debbie — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:26:17 +0000

I read w/interest “Healing a PA Marriage”. After 32 yrs. of marriage, I ended it 9 mo. ago. My whole life was at the lowest point I could ever remember. My daughter was graduating from College; I had been talking about my future plans of what I now wanted to do. On the face of it, he was encouraging until I directed my efforts to my own ambitions. I had arranged, financed & generaled the construction of several homes we had. We had agreed we would build another home for our empty nester yrs. w/a nice sewing room & totally energy efficient for the future. As soon as I stated the plans, the comments would start. “I don’t understand why?”; I’m afraid your going to start this home & walk away from it right after the basement is in the ground; leaving me to finish it”, etc. etc. I’d never walked away from a project, any project in my whole life; contrary to a long list of “husband projects started & unfinished” in our basement & home. So once again, I would stop. In my younger days, I ignored him & did what I wanted; ignoring his silly protests, irrational statements, etc. The last 10 yrs. were tough w/the loss of my parents, a severe illness & I realized I simply couldn’t continue w/this for another possible 20 yrs. It takes a really strong person who understands up-front the PA they are in a relationship with, you also need to stomach a lot of hurt realizing it’s not you, but them. If you can do this & still stay sane, I commend those few who can do this. For me, I realized the life was being sucked from me, the damage was too severe & w/age he was getting worse. The book’s all say the PA person is afraid of intimacy & doesn’t want to be alone, but after 32 yrs. you would think you’d have gotten a break at least 20 yrs. ago. The sad realization is for some they cannot get over themselves & their need to destroy!