Comments on: Spouse control means lack of respect http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/control/ Fri, 03 Feb 2012 23:33:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Alice T. http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/control/comment-page-1/#comment-68 Alice T. Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:12:42 +0000 http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/?p=229#comment-68 I find this issue very important to me: My very first battle with my husband was about his idea of "female submission," that he got from church. This is the one request that terrified me, because what does it mean? that I should have no ideas of my own? that I can't choose anything before his blessing? For him is a natural part of our marriage; for me is little by little asfixtiating me. Submission to a husband feels like a death sentence for the person you know you are. Submission to a passive aggressive husband is the same as being swallowed up. What he is doing here, I finally got it, is to protect himself from the idea that opening up and agreeing with me is losing his control (at least, the total control he wants). And he can't allow himself to lose control, so off he goes in another rant about me being disloyal, disobedient and challenging his authority! Or punishes me with silent treatment for a month... Tom has on many occasions told me that he has such fear of "losing himself" if he is vulnerable with me. Which for me, is the essence of a good marriage: where we both trust the other so much, we can give up all our power and not be harmed, because the other loves us! He has a difficult time separating me from his own person, and from that fear comes control. As much as he tries to control me, he doesn't trust me, and the situation gets worse: I don't like to live with a person who doesn't trust me...how to get out of this trap? the only way is for him to abandon his idea of marriage=male control over wife; and this will not happen soon! To feel like a grown up woman I need to know I'm in control over my decisions, because my health, and happiness and my future are all decided in what I choose to do every day....by taking good care of myself. There's really nothing better I can decide on, and nobody else should be in control of that! I find this issue very important to me:
My very first battle with my husband was about his idea of “female submission,” that he got from church. This is the one request that terrified me, because what does it mean? that I should have no ideas of my own? that I can’t choose anything before his blessing?

For him is a natural part of our marriage; for me is little by little asfixtiating me.

Submission to a husband feels like a death sentence for the person you know you are. Submission to a passive aggressive husband is the same as being swallowed up.

What he is doing here, I finally got it, is to protect himself from the idea that opening up and agreeing with me is losing his control (at least, the total control he wants).

And he can’t allow himself to lose control, so off he goes in another rant about me being disloyal, disobedient and challenging his authority! Or punishes me with silent treatment for a month…

Tom has on many occasions told me that he has such fear of “losing himself” if he is vulnerable with me.

Which for me, is the essence of a good marriage: where we both trust the other so much, we can give up all our power and not be harmed, because the other loves us!

He has a difficult time separating me from his own person, and from that fear comes control. As much as he tries to control me, he doesn’t trust me, and the situation gets worse: I don’t like to live with a person who doesn’t trust me…how to get out of this trap? the only way is for him to abandon his idea of marriage=male control over wife;
and this will not happen soon!

To feel like a grown up woman I need to know I’m in control over my decisions, because my health, and happiness and my future are all decided in what I choose to do every day….by taking good care of myself. There’s really nothing better I can decide on, and nobody else should be in control of that!

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