Passive Aggressive Husband » passive aggressive definition

Is he always fighting against your ideas?

alfaprima — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 15:52:15 +0000

When I feel that he is “Always Fighting against My Ideas,” the dream I’m yearning for is… team work.

There were some responses (58%) telling about this dream situation:

1. “My dream is to feel that I am half of a whole: he supports me, I support him, and together we make one whole couple work. I want someone who challenges and encourages me in equal measure, making me a better person. He doesn’t have to indulge my every idea – just support the truly good ones and gently disagree with the not-so-great ones. I want a teammate, someone who will work with me. My greatest regret is that my husband has not been as invested in our children as I wished, nor supported me in my efforts towards them, but always coming with a contrary idea that leaves me alone and confused.”

2. “I have learned that the more I push for something, the more he pulls away from it. So, I have left ideas of moving in together, even after a year of dating, in the back of my mind. Outwardly, I show him that the idea completely disinterests me now. If he would be open to ideas and be willing to talk about things even when they scare him, I wouldn’t have to hide my dreams in the shadows.”

3. “What I need is for my husband to let me know that he thinks my ideas and opinions are valid and well founded. Otherwise, he’s not treating me as his partner or his ally; he’s treating me as an enemy, as someone to be dismissed. He’s telling me that I don’t have the right to make decisions or have input.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to work with you?

• “He makes me feel that we are on the same team. We both want resolution and compromise, so we both give ideas while being open to new ones.”
• “Even if he does not agree with my every idea, he appreciates the creativity and resourcefulness that go into them, and encourages me to stay motivated.”
• “He doesn’t rush – he listens carefully and tries hard to see things from my point of view.”
• “Since we listen well to each other, we realized that we share a lot of common ideas.”
• “When I have a good idea, he is quick to acknowledge it and work with me to make it happen. When he disagrees, he gives me an honest opinion; not a derogatory one.”

I simply need to feel supported by him.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel supported by him, the person nearer you…how are you going to find the direct and clear support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How far do you think you can go without his explicit words of recognition and support, being him the most important person in your life? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his lack of recognition of your best ideas that forces you to feel incompetent and worthless? Where is the motivation to keep developing yourself coming from?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Is he always fighting against your ideas? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Do you have his support when you cry?

alfaprima — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:36:55 +0000

When I feel that he is “Punishing Me for Crying,” the dream I’m yearning for is… comfort.

Most of the responses (68%) expressed dreams around the following insights:

1. “I wish that he honestly cared and was concerned when he saw that I was crying. I wish he could see that I’m hurting, pure and simple. What I need at those times is not to be dismissed or told I’m playing the victim, like usual – I need comfort and understanding, things that come only with real, honest communication.”
2. “It would be wonderful if I could be emotional when I need to and he would just hug me close, stroke my hair, and let me cry it out. I don’t want to feel that I have to hide from him or he’ll laugh at me for crying. That’s just not healthy; everybody cries. I’d rather have compassion and a desire to make me feel better.”
3. “I want to be able to feel whatever it is I’m feeling, whatever it is that’s troubling me, without being made to feel that my feelings are unfounded and that I’m being unreasonable. My husband is a Marine and can’t grasp the concept of ‘crying.’ That’s a very lonely situation.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to comfort you?

• “He lets me know that my emotions are valid and that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.”
• “Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about why I’m sad – the important thing is that he always asks why.”
• “If he makes me cry, he is sure to stop himself and comfort me. He always regrets his conduct and tries to work things out in a different way.”
• “He knows that sexual passion is not enough – sometimes I need some simple compassion.”

I simply need to feel safe when I’m down!

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel safe to express pain and sadness, and to be comforted by him …how are you going to find the safe space where to be able to express your emotions ? How are you going to ask for empathy and respect for your feelings, whatever they can be? And how are you going to feel supported and comforted when life delivers one of these blows that makes you (and everybody else) need a good cry to feel better?

Neil Warner

Do you have his support when you cry? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Is he Frequently Sabotaging Your Projects?

alfaprima — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 16:00:32 +0000

When I feel that he is
“Sabotaging My Projects,” the dream I’m yearning for is… unconditional support.

Some of the responses, 75% of them expressed dreams so:

1. “I need to know that I have a partner who cares! When you truly love someone, you want what’s best for them; you want to see them spread their wings and try to fly. Helping them with the things that matter to them is never a burden. Most importantly, loving someone means you wouldn’t dream of sabotaging their projects; their dreams. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what my husband has done, and almost all of my projects have been ruined by him.”

2. “More than anything, I desire the freedom and confidence to take on even the hardest projects. Instead of criticizing me or telling me I can’t do it, he should be cheering me on, letting me know that he’s proud of me. I know that I am strong enough to succeed without his help… But success would be so much more gratifying if I knew that he had been there to encourage me through my struggles.”

3. “I want to know that we don’t have to compete against one another and argue about whose project or needs are more ‘important’. I wish we could slow down, lean on each other more, and simply enjoy our time together. Who knows, maybe we would even get excited about each other’s important projects!”

In what other ways would you know that he supports you?

• “I know I can count on his support when I need it, no matter what it is I require.”

• “My husband cares enough to do something simply because he knows it’s important to me.”

• “He is with me every step of the way, but he also respects my space and gives me time to develop my projects.”

• “It is a back and forth conversation: I give him my full support, and he returns the gesture.”

• “He takes a real, genuine interest in the things I want to do.”

I simply need to feel respected.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be respected, included and supported in your life struggles by the person most near you…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his way of denying support to your projects, and request from him the reciprocal support that is the core of any marriage? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his negativity and lack of support that forces you to give your battles always alone and with an extra handicap of fearing him stabbing you in the back?

Neil Warner

Is he Frequently Sabotaging Your Projects? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Are You Receiving Cold Shoulder Treatment?

alfaprima — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:51:02 +0000

When I feel he is “Giving Me the Cold Shoulder,” the dream I’m yearning for is… warmth.

Some 78% of the responses expressed:

1. “Although no one should ever be given the cold shoulder, and I don’t agree with him giving it to me, I still want to know why he thinks I deserve it. Better yet, if I do something wrong and hurt him, I want him to simply come to me and say, ‘You hurt me.’ I would do everything in my power to right my wrong, if only I knew what it was.”

2. “I want there to be warmth in our relationship instead of this coldness that he’s created by turning me away. It would make me so happy to be able to say to each other, ‘Honey, I am upset because of this or that, but I still love you.’”

3. “I am allowed to express my feelings as long as they are in agreement with his. If they are not, I am isolated for them and given the cold shoulder. I want to feel that I am worth something to him, that I will never be ignored. I want to feel that I am part of a special institution – marriage – and not an orphan looking longingly through the window.”

In what other ways would you know that he would never turn his back on you?

• “I feel like I made a good choice when I married him. I can count on him for anything.”

• “He tries hard to keep a good mood and move on with the day, even if we run into a snag.”

• “I know that I am the last person on earth he would turn his back to.”

• “We have everything we need to be happy and comfortable. He would never jeopardize that by weakening our connection.”

• “When he’s upset, he never jumps to conclusions and blames me. We sit down together and talks things out until we find the real reasons.”

• “He makes me feel wanted and loved in a personal, intimate way.”

• “It would break his heart to know he had made me cry.”

I simply need his open heart, loving me.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be loved, included and helped by healthy confrontation when is needed…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his isolating himself and giving you the cold shoulder, and educate him into proper and respectful communication that solves problems and expresses love and commitment at the same time?

Neil Warner

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Are you Isolated From your Own Family?

alfaprima — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 17:50:18 +0000

When I feel that he is “Isolating Me from My Family,” the dream I’m yearning for is… integration.

Responses expressed dreams consistent with these:

1. “I want my family to be a part of our life together. They aren’t, and I know it’s because he doesn’t want them to know that he behaves like a child the majority of the time. However, he won’t admit that this is the reason, or address the problem. In fact, he doesn’t give me any reason at all. My family just isn’t allowed to be included.”

2. “I would like to feel free to have my parents and brothers, nephew and niece over to my house at any time. I can’t do that, because he doesn’t want to spend time with them, and he doesn’t see that they’re important or that time with them is important. It isn’t enough for him that they’re special to me.”

3. “My dream is that he would see that our whole family, whether it’s his, mine, or ours, all are connected, and that their relationship should be fostered. If the relationship with his family is bad, I want him to work on it, not ignore them and think that I have to do the same with my family.”

In what other ways would you know that he accepts and supports your family?

• “We surround ourselves with family whom we love and who loves us back.”

• “He is always cordial to my family and helps my relationship with them blossom.”

• “He never manipulates me or makes me look bad in front of my family.”

• “He genuinely loves my family, and opens his heart to every member.”

I simply need to have a happy family around.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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Again a sulking face? No more negativity!

alfaprima — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 15:54:15 +0000

When I feel that he has a “Sulking Face for No Reason,” the dream I’m yearning for is…calm and peace.

Some 65% of the responses are:

1. “I would like to feel that when and if he starts sulking, it’s a momentary lapse. It’s normal to feel a little let down sometimes, but he needs to let it go, get back in the game, and resolve the issue like an adult.”

2. “Some honesty between us would be great. He could just tell me when something is truly bothering him, and if he needs his space, I would give it to him. Instead, my PA husband claims that “he is not sulking,” when he clearly is. Worse still, he blames me for causing his bad mood!”

3. “I wish he would feel secure enough in our relationship to know that he can not only communicate with me, and tell me what’s wrong, but that he can also let down his guard and let down his walls. I want him to know I’m here to support and comfort him, not undermine him. If my husband felt supported and happy, my family would be happy too.”

In what other ways would you know that he can calmly solve problems?

• “I don’t have to pretend things are fine just so he’s not offended.”

• “He acts his age and meets me on an adult level, even if he doesn’t get what he wants.”

• “When he has an issue with something in our relationship, he is calm and doesn’t make me feel like a criminal.”

• “He lets me know that my love and my support mean the world to him.”

• “When he’s sad or angry, I know I can bring a smile to his face and snap him out of it.”

• “He knows he can confide in me and trust me.”

• “He respects every member of our family, and never takes his anger out on them.”

I simply need a peaceful relationship.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be in a peaceful and nurturing relationship, to receive positive affection and encouraging support…how are you going to establish a peace zone in your life, where there is no sulking, no negativity and no love refusal? How are you going to provide yourself with this peaceful emotional area in a constant way?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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Is He Playing Mind Games with You?

alfaprima — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 17:47:59 +0000

When I feel that he is “Playing Mind Games with Me,” the dream I’m yearning for is… trust in him.

Here we had some 85% of responses expressing the following dreams:

1. “Sometimes I feel like it’s a lost cause to think we can ever communicate openly about why he needs to play these games, why he hides his thoughts and actions. Maybe it isn’t hopeless to dream of clarity, but right now it seems like it.”

2. “I want to be an integral part of his life and worthy of so much more than games. I do not like playing mind games and think this is the worst aspect of my PA husband. I do not want to have to play games to get what I want; I prefer to be forthcoming, and want that in return.”

3. “I would like to have consistency, to trust that a yes is a yes and a no is a no. Being with a man who changes his mind all the time makes me feel insecure, like I can’t trust him. I never know where I stand, and I leave the argument feeling like nothing has been resolved. It makes me feel heavy.”

In what other ways would you know that you can trust him?

• “My well-being is more important to him than keeping up appearances of perfection.”

• “We never waste life’s precious moments; we focus most on loving each other.”

• “I can think clearly when I’m with him, and I have faith in myself and my perceptions.”

• “Reverse psychology does not occur when we are working things out.”

• “He would never insult my intelligence by being dishonest or trying to manipulate me.”

• “He is above cheating me or stifling me; he thrives on bringing out the best of me.”

• “Our relationship doesn’t feel faked. It’s a real, secure connection.”

• “Sometimes, if the situation is complicated, we set down a time limit and a goal.”

I simply need security.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need for a secure bond, where you can trust your own perceptions as connected to the shared reality, how are you going to send the message that you want to get rid of manipulation and deceit? How important is this need and how are you going to prevent the lack of trust that is so damaging to your self-esteem? How are you going to respect your own need for transparency and truth?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Get your own copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband,” and begin the path to recover yourself!.

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When your friends are attacked, how bad do you want to stop the attack?

alfaprima — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 18:50:06 +0000

When I feel that “My Friends are Attacked,” the dream I’m yearning for is… mutual admiration.

80 % of the responses expressed dreams consistent with ideas such as:

1. “Why does he has to show always that he is superior to my own friends? There is always this silly competition and the only one who loses respect is me!”

2. “I wish that when I have my friends and family come to my house, my husband would join me in giving them an inviting and welcoming environment. I deserve that and so do they.”

3. “My partner does not defend either me, my friends, or even himself from any attack. For my friends, this would not be an issue if they would somehow find the inner strength to stand up and fight their own battles. However, for myself, I am tremendously disappointed that the man I love will not speak up for me or even for himself. It may be part of his religious culture to turn the other cheek and avoid conflict, but I think that this position costs him his self respect. It makes me question his manhood, not to mention how far his pacifism would really go. If someone threatened to kill both of us, would he let them? This is not my way. I would do anything to save him.”

4. “I would like to feel that he enjoys my friends as much as I do, instead of criticizing their presence. That is no longer such an issue with him and his jealousy that makes them too uncomfortable when he is home, blocking them to come over or even call the house.”?

“He sees the reasons why my friends are important to me.”
“I am free to connect with whomever I wish without his passing judgement.”
“We share the same friends and love and understand them as the elected family that they are.”
“He understands that they have a place in my life and that they are a source of comfort. I can stand up for them and be praised for doing so.”
“My friends are respected because they are my friends.”
“We let each other work on our relationships with our friends.”
“When I see my friends, our time together is happy and relaxed.”
“I simply need to enjoy both my friends, and my partner, and not be forced to choose!”

Is this also a truth in your own life? Now that you know that having valued and respected friends is an important part of your life, and that being married does not mean forgetting your friends, how would you strengthen their place in your life?

Neil Warner

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Humiliated in public? this is what you need now!

alfaprima — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 17:17:29 +0000

When I feel that “I’m Humiliated in Public,” the dream I’m yearning for is… respect and equality.

Some 84 % of the responses expressed dreams consistent with:

1. “I would like to feel that he is there to prevent injustice, not perpetuate it. It is a double standard, because he would never stand for any form of humiliation from me, and I would pay dearly for such a vicious act.”

2. “A long time ago, I criticized him in public, and he responded viciously in front of my friends. I could never forget that, but now he has a need to appear perfect and wants people to believe we have a perfect relationship, void of any disputes or problems. Most of the time, he has convinced even himself that this is indeed reality. So he treats me better than before…I dream that this behavior is for ever.”

3. “Just as he does not want his previous mistakes, foibles or insecurities tossed about for any one and every one to know, I would also prefer that mine are not available for public ridicule.”

In what other ways would you know that he is respecting you in public?

“He is sensitive to my feelings and others’ (the observers) feelings as well.”
“He delights in me and my personality, and does not ridicule me, even in my weakest moments.”
“I can walk away from something embarassing and he lets me keep my pride.”
“He praises me in public and acts as if he is honored to be with me.”
“We use the golden rule and treat each other the way we want to be treated.”
“His attitude shows that I’m protected and honored.
“He shows that I’m sincerely loved and respected; so I’m happy and relaxed in public.”
“I receive fairness and equality from the most important person in my life: him”

Now that we know what the dream is composed of, how could you get it? By having a clear picture of what is the dream situation, you are doing a giant step ahead. Now that you know that respect and equality is what you wish for, how can you plan to obtain more of it?

Neil Warner

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Why secrecy is part of passive aggression?

alfaprima — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:49:00 +0000

One of the poster wrote this suggestion in our site:
“How do you deal with a husband that keeps a secret journal and never tells me he is unhappy about anything?” This reader is hitting at the heart of the passive aggression problem.

We need to remember first that this kind of behavior
a) is not caused by or originated with the present marriage;
b) has deep roots in his childhood and family of origin
c) is connected with some kind of long forgotten trauma, still active inside him.

This short description is necessary because there can be so many misconceptions obscuring the understanding of his present behavior. She is not guilty of his present passive aggression, because he has been functioning in this way to protect himself from life’s hazards and tribulations for a very long time.

So, why the need for secrecy? If the original trauma and all the feelings included has to do with his parents, or a parent substitute as uncles, godfathers, or ministers, it could never be opened up. The victim, in this case your husband, had to keep everything inside as a way of colluding with his parents who decided that the situation was normal enough not to merit a comment or a defensive reaction. If the child was abused, emotionally oppressed or humiliated in some way, this was never talked about, because the loyalty to parental figures was stronger. Then and there, secrecy was the main line of defense: don’t say a word about what hurts you. Tragically, this “defense” ends up exterminating all humanity in relationships, because then the humiliated child has nobody to defend his integrity, and every one of the adults is a accomplice of the hurt.

The last thing a PA person will do is to complain about his own past or present unhappiness. He is still a five years old child inside, convinced that there is no justice in this world, that talking will get him punished and still will get no justice, and that opening up could end up in more ridicule, punishment or humiliation. No, he can’t say a word….which doesn’t mean that he is not hurt, resentful and dreaming of revenge!

This secrecy pact is what makes it so difficult to live with him…produces the impression that he is still more loyal to the people that then and there damaged him, than to his present situation and loving companion. Secrecy will make also impossible to provide him with the satisfaction and nurturing his own needs demand, and will generate resentment on both sides: on her side because she is willing to give love that he finds impossible to accept and from his side because whatever he can receive is not answering his deep needs for love and security coming from his past starvation.

Secrecy also gives him the illusion of conserving his own power; if nobody knows what hurts him, he can deny that some hurt exists in his heart forever. “Me keeping a grudge against my parents? Why would I do such a thing?”

Denial is a wall that blocks connection in marriage. It signals a whole part of his soul is not included in the marriage bargain. Allows withdrawal and isolation, and predicts more isolation, but the illusion of power and control.

So, what can you do? First, accept that this is his reality; no amount of coaching or preaching will make him leave this cave when he feels the need to be protected there. Perhaps allowing him to keep his secrets, giving him permission to withdraw in his cave and sulk there, is the only way of giving him what he needs. And feeling that he has not to fight for his right to some privacy, so he can feel secure enough of being respected as he is, could invite him to leave his cave more often.

SIGH? nobody said that this kind of marriage was going to be easy, right? What about your karma could be now putting you in this pickle?

Neil Warner

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