Passive Aggressive Husband » assertiveness

Are You Fighting to Save Your Love?

Neil Warner — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 17:56:34 +0000

© Lela Lee

All your life you’ve been trying to make it work. We all know that even good intentioned efforts can fail when you try to live with other people in love and harmony, and it’s natural to assume that differences will bring some frictions.

Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation. In this way, you can fight to save your love, instead of fighting in a way that hinders your love!

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one… Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about… how does it compare? No way!

Why can’t we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn’t taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful person they want to spend their lives with us!

And then, very shortly, this admiration we managed to achieve goes missing, and sadly the only way to get our partner’s attention back on us is to have a good fight.

OK, let’s assume that you have decided that having a fight is the way to receive attention again. Remember that it has not to be destructive. Positive conflict helps you organize a respectful confrontation, following some simple rules.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know more about saving the love in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Are You Fighting to Save Your Love? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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The Passive Aggressive Dance

Neil Warner — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:20:03 +0000

WE ARE STUCK IN THIS DANCE:

HERS

HIS

I feel let down, isolated, and lonely.

If I confront you to get you to see what
is hurting me
and come back to me..

It Just Drives You Away,
You became defensive and justify yourself.

If I despair, you retreat even more
Then I get more upset,
desperate, and lonely…

And I Lose My Faith in You
And In Our Marriage.

Looking at you being down gets me
scared but you don’t keep silent,
you tell me and your tale of hurt scares
me even more…

Did I Do That To You?
Really?

Is better to see you angry with me
than hurt I want to escape anyhow, or
to show you how wrong you are,
why don’t you see how I care?

If I explain my reasons, it drives you mad…
What can I offer you, but my logical reasons?

I’m Terrified By
The Fear of Losing You!

What are we doing? We are repeating a performance where we hide our sore spots from each other:

You hurting and lonely, and me feeling like a kind of idiot…

I need, says her, to be able to ask for company and don’t feel rejected or ridiculed.

I need, says him, to be able to use my usual responses in a way that you don’t label them as negative, so I feel accepted and can replace them with better others.

He could say: “I know I have neglected you, worried about work issues. When I hear that you are sad and angry, I don’t know what to do and escape… and I have to deny my needs of being near you. If you give me a chance and stop evaluating my behavior, I can get together and appreciate your needs better.”

She could say: “I now know that when I panic and imagine that I’m left alone, is because it hurts so much remembering that my family left me alone too many times… If I give you a chance, and don’t compare you with them, probably then you can get near me without conflict? Because I really need your attention!”

What are they doing? The exchanges you see above demonstrate what we call the basic passive aggressive dance. Each person “dances” around in a passive aggressive way because neither really knows how to get what they want from the other. (Of course, without asking for it: this is the passive aggressive piece of the behavior)

What is needed is a different kind of conversation, where we can invite the parties to acknowledge their basic needs…. She has to say how lonely she is, he has to say how terrified he is of losing her, and how impotent both are of fulfilling simple needs, because they are so wrapped up in their own perception that they can’t see the other’s perspective.

The dance finishes when both sides can acknowledge the other side’s basic human needs…. and accept that the marriage deal is exactly that: I will take care of identifying and solving your needs… and you will do the same for me.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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New Year, New Self?

Neil Warner — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:46:11 +0000

All the New Year Resolutions we hash out semi convinced at the big end of the year party have a common root…all stem from and connect with that ideal self that we all carry inside. Our “ideal person.”

So here is the universal wish: “I want the new year to be the time when I get to live as the person I want to be. Nothing more, nothing less…”

What does it mean? and we don’t refer here to a lonely mirror image of our ideal self, in any way. This New Self is a social image; has to be confirmed and valued and appreciated by the people around us…our loved ones have to see us in this best light: as the person we want to be always, not a lesser image never complete or satisfactory.

Perhaps this is the daily fight. Perhaps this is the aspiration that brings us into relationships: we need others to mirror a good and valued image of us. Perhaps this other person will be loving enough, compassionate enough as to see me, the real, good me hidden under superficial trappings, and always ready to do better.

What if we could conceive relationships as the arena where we invite each other to develop into this excellent version of him/herself? What if we described marriage as a “society for mutual admiration” where both sides could get recognition and confirmation of their reciprocal best aspects? That really would help us a lot to grow into that admired, and always elusive project, of “the best person I can be.”

Now, this wish is functional to the relationship; is clearly the core of it…helping each other develop their best aspects and grow. So personal development gets linked with the kind of attachment we have in our lives: positive, nurturing attachment will develop our best selves; insecure or hostile attachment will freeze us into a permanent frustration of our personal growth…

Getting to this point, I wish to remember readers that personal development is our true job in life; that attachments help or hinder us in this permanent growing up project, and that, if we consider our reciprocal ties as the dirt where from our growth comes through, then relationships are the ground where we root to develop better into the person we want (and need) to be.

Now, we wish our readers good, nurturing attachments where to feel secure and appreciated; to be able to face harsh relationships as another way of growing up by becoming stronger through pain; in short, that each of you knows who is this man or woman they want to be, and never get lost getting there!

MIGHT YOUR NEW YEAR RESOLUTION, OR YOUR DEEP WISH BECOME A REALITY!

New Year, New Self? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Wishing you a wonderful Holidays season!

Neil Warner — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 21:27:33 +0000

Wishing you a wonderful Holidays season! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Does Your Relationship Need Repair?

Neil Warner — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:01:17 +0000

Confrontations don’t just magically stop happening!

To handle conflict correctly and learn from past mistakes, partners need a protocol to manage life’s inevitable confrontations and they need to know how to do relationship repair.

We don’t often think past getting into a relationship – but taking care of a relationship is just as important!

Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. Here, however, we want to discuss the basics of repairing a relationship and making it as healthy as it can be. This is especially important in a passive aggressive marriage – trying to keep the relationship alive and solid enough to move forward from requires being fully aware of how relationships should and must work.

To have a healthy relationship, basic human needs must be considered. You have to meet your spouse’s needs, and your spouse must meet yours. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need other humans! Of course, you must be familiar with and learn to recognize these basic needs, and then your “repair work” can be based on that need.

You can find out which of your spouse’s basic needs is being frustrated in the marriage by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently. Conversely, you can start to consider which of your needs are being frustrated by doing the same exercise.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair ideas be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate. Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” You don’t need to draw out long explanations about whether or not the plans are feasible.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said in your own words, then ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Join us for free at “Relationship Repair,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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The National Relationships Repair Month project has begun!

Neil Warner — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 19:40:23 +0000

Here at CCR we have this passion for providing new tools and tactics for our readers to keep learning how to improve relationships and so have happier lives.
This the time of holiday wishes, and we wish for you to have more happiness than now, by reducing friction and conflicts.
Do you know about the National Relationships Repair Month project? Is a process that takes only four weeks, to teach people the basics of how to identify their sources of suffering and how to learn and adopt behaviors that will yield better results in love and connection with others.
So, you too are invited!
Please, go here to register: “Relationship Repair Month”

and join us for a better life.

The National Relationships Repair Month project has begun! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Planning to Repair your Relationships?

Neil Warner — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:38:31 +0000

This blog is a long term journey, thinking about how to promote happy, healthy relationships, that we walk through each day. And, -of course- there is crisis time! Yes, the holidays are approaching and we are confronted with the need to evaluate where we are now, and what do we want for the next year….

Are you coming short of your dreams? Still believing that with a bit of support and learning some good communication skills you would feel more gratified in your relationships?

We have been thinking along the same line here….

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without improvement or resolution when it comes to our important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month”

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good, meaty discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. Knowing that you read this blog frequently, we are sure you would be interested in this project.

Get a good look at our new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

Relationship Repair

Planning to Repair your Relationships? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Why Passive Aggressive Men are so Attractive?

Neil Warner — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:59:05 +0000

Quite often, we’ll have comments from clients wondering how they could have been so blind to their spouse’s passive aggression and the toxic feelings they create. Some wives admit that they went back to their husbands multiple times, acquiescing to what the husbands wanted, without really knowing why they took the risk of being hurt again.

What is it about a passive aggressive person that is attractive to us? Well, one reason is that we seek out relationships that are familiar to us. We may not seek out spouses that are carbon copies of our parents, but we will seek out people who mirror the behaviors we’re already used to seeing in our past. What this means is that you have chosen your passive aggressive spouse because your parent (or guardian) expressed similar behavior. If this is the case, you may be able to look back and see traces of passive aggression in other people you’ve dated, as well.

Beyond our past telling us who to pick, there are also certain needs that a passive aggressive person can fulfill for some people. Strange to think, right? However, for some people, the passive aggressive person’s wounds and issues help build one’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Can you see the danger in that? In devoting yourself to ignoring your problems, with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect? Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can talk to one of our Conflict Coaches today, and receive a free coaching session.

Neil Warner

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How can you love your Passive Aggressive Husband?

Neil Warner — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:56:03 +0000

What are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. When he’s trying to use PA behavior with you, these positive things will help you focus on using your own techniques, instead of breaking down.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

You can get more tips for improving your marital happiness by talking one-on-one with our Conflict Coach.

: Neil Warner

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How to recover your life after a passive aggressive marriage?

Neil Warner — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:12:24 +0000

When readers of this blog accept our standing invitation to have a free coaching session, they bring their own stories. Some of them are easier to hear and offer support to; others are heart wrenching.

Which stories are the saddest? The ones that present a woman past her fifties, who has spent most of her married life waiting for the husband to finally change and connect with her in a significant way. Only now are these women discovering certain basic ideas offered here:

Passive aggression is learned in childhood;
Is a defensive style focusing on how to keep other people away;
There is little they can do to change the man they are living with, he must change himself.

After learning these concepts, the perspective of getting old in an empty marriage sets in. It is a moment of truth, where they see their past as gone, their present as painful, and the prospect of their future as filled with the same loneliness.

What can we offer in that situation? What is there to be done? Detach and take care of yourself. This time, the lesson is even more urgent.

Because they have serious deficits, because living your whole life in emotional misery leaves you empty and sad, and angry, the first task is to detach completely of the relationship. Begin to see yourself as worthy of attention, come up with a list of your own unattended needs and do for yourself what you have been waiting him to do all these years. Only then will you be strong enough to work on saving the marriage (if that’s what you still really want).

Fortunately, once you look at your emotional needs, you can see that there are multiple ways of fulfilling the voids. We can begin to offer some ideas, which you can pick from to begin.

Strategies for Self-Care and Recovery:

Make a plan to recover your self-esteem:
Appreciate your resilience up until this time, celebrate yourself and your strength.
Visit and/or work with people and places where you feel appreciated and well received.
Respect your life routine and add extra pleasurable tasks.
Take care of yourself: eat well, do your exercise routine and sleep well.
Have a plan to restore calm and stay self-centered with meditation, yoga or t’ai chi.
Afford yourself meditative walks in nature (or extra time in the garden).
Accept all your feelings and find confidants to share them with.
Place around the house positive images to see when you are feeling lost or sad.
Avoid self-judgements about your “guilt.”
Approve yourself and your decisions every day.
Do something special for yourself every day.
Acknowledge your own accomplishments.
Connect with others using reflective listening.
Learn the meaning of your marital experience lessons, and move on.

For more tips about detachment and what it means, see our other posts:
Detach from Passive Aggression, Kindly!
How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

You can also contact one of our coaches for a free coaching session, where you’ll receive private, one on one advice about your personal situation and the struggles you’re having with detachment and positivity. Call us today!

Neil Warner

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Passive Aggressive Husband » assertiveness

Are You Fighting to Save Your Love?

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The Passive Aggressive Dance

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New Year, New Self?

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Wishing you a wonderful Holidays season!

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Does Your Relationship Need Repair?

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The National Relationships Repair Month project has begun!

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Planning to Repair your Relationships?

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Why Passive Aggressive Men are so Attractive?

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How can you love your Passive Aggressive Husband?

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How to recover your life after a passive aggressive marriage?

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