Readers ask: ”Can passive aggressive people love”?
Of course, I only have a frustrating answer: “It depends…” on how do you define love. If it means grown up, mature and responsible affection for each other, probably there is not much of this kind of love in a passive aggressive marriage.
Here we have been offering before the idea that having an insecure or avoidant attachment while being a small child has lifelong consequences.
According to Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., “The impact of impaired bonding in early childhood varies. With severe emotional neglect in early childhood the impact can be devastating. Children without touch, stimulation, and nurturing can literally lose the capacity to form any meaningful relationships for the rest of their lives.”
What it has to do with a passive aggressive marriage? Easy, we can love each other as we have been loved before, by the first love object, our mother or the mother substitute. That is the model, the emotional imprint that tells us what “love” is. To reach out from a defective attachment that taught us to be reserved, isolated and defensive, a person needs to work seriously on himself or herself. Nothing else will substitute the corrective process that needs to be done: to learn to trust, to reach other, to love well.
So, the answer here is: your passive aggressive partner can “love” you as much as he was loved when being a baby. Look at the relationship with his mother, (or the memories he has of her and of their relationship) and decide if their relationship has the warm, emotional connection you want for yourself. Here is the truth, and if you are a wise person, you can see already the writings on the wall. No way he can protest that he has learned another way of loving…if you don’t see him ACTING in LOVING WAY, CONSISTENTLY, with anyone around him, assume that still the emotional healing work needs to be done!
Now, are you asking me how can he do this growing up effort? We offer a complete system for him: The Six Steps System to Heal your Passive Aggression
And remember that it takes some good work to repair the damage to your own self if you have been in this situation of waiting for good, selfless love from your partner for some time.
My Kindle book: ”Stopping emotional abuse..” is the answer to get back to your own power and resilience!