Follow this author on Google Plus.

Raise the level of your love hormones with a hug!

March 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Today, we are learning more and more about how your state of mind and your brain/body are connected.

This definitely helps when dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, because it legitimizes the things you’re feeling. You have an effect that is clearly linked to a cause. Now, it is becoming harder and harder to sweep passive aggression under the rug as a “fad diagnosis.” Take, for example, this article posted at the Underground Health Reporter.

The article discusses a “love hormone” in our brains, called “oxytocin.” Oxytocin is produced in our brains when we experience pleasing interactions with others, making us feel happy, connected and trusting of others. So what does a lack of it look like?

“Feelings of alienation and dealing with loneliness, as well as a lack of intimate relationships, are the outward manifestations of reduced oxytocin levels – but oxytocin deficiency may also cause physical damage to the body.

Dealing with loneliness, sadness and stress increase your odds of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease and cancer. In fact, a recent study published in the Public Library of Science, Medicine reports that a social person has a 50% greater survival rate than a reclusive one.”

The article then claims that you can make yourself happier by raising your levels of oxytocin – and funnily enough, a hug is even more effective at doing that than an orgasm!

However, what happens in a passive aggressive marriage? How does it all apply? Well, oxytocin levels can expected to be extremely low because you are dealing with the stress and dire loneliness of constantly being denied intimacy. The cold shoulder, a key passive aggressive behavior, is certainly something that denies you oxytocin. Not even mentioning the lack of sexual intimacy!

So, how can you apply this today? Think about how your marriage is creating stress and denying you a remedy (the remedy being loving physical contact). Looking at this article, the easiest way to cheer yourself up considerably is to seek oxytocin from others – in a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or other loving contact. You can hug your kids, your mother, your friend, or even a stranger – all will raise your levels of oxytocin!

But you can also take this from the article: people will low levels of oxytocin trust others less. If part of your husband’s passive aggression comes from his intense distrust of intimacy, couldn’t raising his oxytocin levels help him, too? Of course, we know that for some of you, hugging your passive aggressive husband is the last thing you want to do. But for those brave enough to experiment, you can try reaching out to your husband – literally!

You can read the entire article here. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of the “passive aggression rut,” you can talk to our relationship expert and conflict coach, Dr. Nora Femenia!

 

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, Passive Aggressive Husband, Relationship Repair Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Healing a Toxic Love Relationship

December 9, 2010 By

In the previous post, we discussed the issue of a toxic relationship, and what it is. If you feel that your passive aggressive relationship has progressed to this stage, and you want to do something about it, there are some choices available to you.

A note of warning:

if you are deeply unhappy in this relationship, probably you are also depressed and hopeless, with little capacity to think by yourself on the future you want…then it will take a strong personal effort to dis-entangle yourself from it.

Even being low and beaten down, can you see what’s ahead? Can you see how your life could be improved and made worthwhile through some necessary changes? Do you see how much happier you can be?  No? Well, please, look at this future picture a bit longer, because you need this picture of a “happy you” to move out from the present trap!

One of the first steps in this healing process is to identify and accept your own contribution to the state of your marriage now. Were you too lenient with negative attitudes? Did you ignore insults or cold shoulders for too long? By not speaking out, did you seem to approve of nasty behaviors like insulting, yelling and trashing the other’s image in public? Are you yourself responsible of also doing them to your spouse?

Take a bit of time by yourself and write down the list of hurtful behaviors common now in your household…each one of them. Now, time to think: what do you want instead of each one of them? Take time to visualize what could be.

Now, you need to have a conversation with your partner. Is it possible? If it is not possible because the risk of aggression is too high, you and your partner may want to take a break from one another to work out your own feelings.  It doesn’t have to be long – for some couples, a month apart from one another is enough to clear their heads and find out what they really need from one another.

When you return from the separation, you will be better prepared to think, “Okay, do both of us have anything positive left to keep this relationship going?” Sometimes, separated couples find that once they are away from each other, they realize they were less interested in staying together than they thought. If you or your partner comes to this realization, it has to be respected (even if you decide later to stay together). If one or the other forces someone to stay even when they’re not sure they want to, the toxic cycle will just continue.

The most important thing to realize when devising a strategy is this: what do I have to do to get my happiness back? Or to grow up into a person who can enter into a relationship knowing what she needs to be happy, and secure that the other person understands and can deliver what she needs?

As you can see, there is a long road in front of you: the good thing is that there is more happiness in front of you….keep your eyes focused!

 

 

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality, toxic relationship

Has Your Relationship Become Toxic?

December 7, 2010 By

In a passive aggressive relationship, your needs can become frustrated to the point that you are being deprived of the very things you need to stay emotionally alive. In this way, passive aggression can escalate into something similar to an infection – in other words, your love can turn toxic.

What does it mean, that the love in your relationship has become toxic? It means that the heart of your relationship has become sick; you are two unhealthy people joined by needs that are not fulfilled. Almost like cancer, you begin consuming each other, until there is nothing healthy left.

The problem is that, also like cancer, this toxic love can go undetected for a very long time. You each may fool the other into thinking that you are nurturers and givers, when in fact, all that exists now is anger and insecurity. It is easy to see how, eventually, both people forget what it means to be healthy, in a healthy relationship. They begin thinking that this is the way it will always be.

How do you know if you’re in a toxic love relationship?

It’s simpler than it seems. Do you feel afraid or anxious most of the time you are with that person? When you’re apart, do you feel content because you are having a good time without this person, or do you worry about what they’re doing?

Maybe it’s hard for you to decide, because you’re used to seeing other couples handle things badly, too. It could be that your own parents had a toxic relationship, and you’ve just gotten used to it. Were them excessively dependent on each other, like enmeshed into each other? Were them used to a lot of domination and control of one on the other? We are talking here about relationships were the impact of the connection ends up smothering individual growth, or thinking or creativity of one or both partners. From the outside, they seem as they can’t be happy together, but also can’t be apart from each other…Do you recognize the picture?

Some other indicators of toxic love are:

  • Hating the person you are with him;
  • Thinking only about what you need to be happy, but can’t get
  • Beginning to dread spending time with your partner
  • You need to force him into having your way, but keep failing
  • The two of you are pulled in different directions, but can’t be apart
  • Struggling to find common interests,  beyond “the children”
  • Can’t agree on how money should be spent, start separate accounts
  • Afraid to open up and share your ideas or feelings
  • You’re ignored in public
  • One or both of you flirt with other people
  • Fear of your partner
  • Disagree about what love really means

If your passive aggressive relationship has progressed to this toxic level, it is time to heal it, before you are both consumed by the frustration!

Please tune in to our next blog posting: Healing Your Emotionally Toxic Relationship…see you soon!

 

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today; get your free ebook “Healthy Marriage” by subscribing now.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How to talk to a resistant husband?

December 2, 2010 By

Have you ever despaired of being understood, repressing those feelings of isolation and despair inside you? And why? Because you are afraid of creating a worse conflict if you speak up!

My best friend, Anne, was at the end of her rope. Of course she was developing ulcers and was taking some kind of pills for the rest of her life. Of course she was unable to sleep and would toss and turn the whole night, thinking that perhaps a new pill will provide relief!

It took me some time before I had the courage to ask her: What is happening to you? And she said “I’m sick and tired of the things my husband does each day…but I don’t know how to face him and make him stop such nasty behaviors, and I’m so angry at him that I could explode any time!”

What happens is that  she is afraid of his resistance and probably strong denial and thus she leaves a bad situation to escalate into a worst one, where her anger sits in a bed of despair and contempt. All because Anne doesn’t know how to confront him!

Or course, at this time, there is little love or respect left in her for him, who is oblivious to the depth of her negative feelings… He thinks that she has stress ulcers! Of course, he could ask the question: “what are the things that cause you so much stress…?” but he is avoiding exactly this kind of conversation! It is obvious how they are colliding in the same denial.

It took some private meetings with her to get to the bottom of her feelings and for me to be able to ask the question:

“Why is that you don’t confront him with his negative behavior”? And her answer was: I never learnt how to face him! Because I was only told to be always nice and polite, I don’t know how to confront anybody when they do things that upset or damage me! And now, I’m scared of his reaction…

Is this a picture that you recognize? How far in the path of self-destruction are you willing to go, only to continue thinking about yourself as a “nice person, never aggressive”? Could you identify with this situation, where you have neither the permission to confront, nor the skills to do it in a safe way? Are you afraid of any kind of confrontation, even a healthy one to defend yourself?

This is partially true: if you confront without knowing how to, in a respectful but firm way, you can get a worse response, and so confirm your fears. But, where does not doing a confrontation leave us? If we can’t confront, we stay frustrated and resentful, and the anger eats at us inside.

Meanwhile, the other person continues the offensive behavior as before, because nobody told him/her not to do so! When at last we do confront, we do in such state of frustration that results are not encouraging, and the other person, taken by surprise, can react very strongly.

If you don’t tell the other person when and how she is infringing on you:

* You are not in control of your life,
* You have a lot more stress.
* You begin carrying the emotional baggage of resentment.

The relationship deteriorates and the other person never has the opportunity to improve his behavior. Then, one day when “out of the blue” you decide to leave him, there will be a great shock!

THEN, if you confront:

* you get the control of your life back.
* You are not a passive victim.
* Stress level improves.
* Mental health goes back to balance.
* There is no build up of emotional baggage.

So, HOW do you confront someone about his/her inadequate behavior? It is simple, not by reproaching the wrong behavior, but asking for the right one:

If you are tempted to say something like:
“You are always a careless person! How do you dare to use my money without asking me if I could afford this expense! You are hurting my pocket in this way”

It is better to say:
“I need you to take better care of our money. When we have decided that this money should be used to pay X bills,, it would be better for us to stick to the plan, because there is no extra money now to pay for X. In this way, I will feel that we are really doing things together in a responsible way.”

Main parts of this new response are:
Focus is on “I” and not on “you,” because this expression is usually received as accusatory, and because it helps highlight the issue of what are our needs that are being frustrated now. You say it in a way that describes the problem’s impact on you, while providing a solution.

Three take away ideas:

1. It is best to confront soon, letting things fester is wrong.
2. It is best to confront skillfully, using this model.
3. Behavioral change requires that we keep confronting about the wrong behavior up until the moment when it improves, and then we praise the new behavior.

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to “From Conflicts to Love, a new guide to Interpersonal Conflicts.”
Filed Under: assertiveness, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Balancing Passive Aggression Strategy 1

July 5, 2010 By

Have you been sometimes daydreaming of giving your PA husband a spoonful of his own medicine? Are you really tired of balancing and compensating the day to day tasks he leaves undone? ever think of turning tables on him? This is the strategy called ‘fighting fire with fire.’

If your passive aggressive partner is used to have you covering up for his withdrawal, silences and frequent claims of helplessness, then STOP.

You could train yourself on not reacting to cover up his missing activities. Given that your own welfare and livelihood are dependent on his, because living together, he is confident that you will save both of you at the last minute.

How could you pull this trick:

Declare somewhat casually that you are not to be automatically in charge of covering up what he leaves undone or forgets and that he needs to ask you for the favor of doing something in his own “to do list.” If there is no request from his side, inform him you will let the issue expire, drop or be disconnected.

Try to pick one issue not so fundamental to your own well being as the electricity supply. If this bill lapses because he didn’t remember to pay it, better you have your own flashlight hidden somewhere in the house.

Once you have selected your issue target, do nothing. Don’t remind him; don’t warn him; keep complete silence and see what happens.

Wait to mention the issue so he is the one first to recognize that something is not working. Wait to be asked if you did pay the bill, etc. then, look at him and say “That was in your list, and as we both are grown up people, we both need to take care of what needs to be done.”

Don’t offer to solve the problem; be prepared to live without, up until the moment he decides to go ahead and solve it. It can be difficult, but remember that you are making a point here.

Probably, the most difficult part of this strategy will be stopping yourself from helping, solving or taking care of things…This is a good thing to learn, so stay put, breathe deeply and remember to have fun and enjoy your own life.

PD. we have two more great strategies to teach you….keep reading. If you have a good friend in need of learning them, could you send this message to them? Thanks!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts
Newer Posts »