This relationship is not physically abusive but I have to tell you, some days I feel like I’ve been beat up.  The emotional is just as bad and I’m convinced that in some cases, it can kill you.  I’m done. The next time he tells me it’s all about me, at least I can agree with him in a reasonably calm voice.

Something snapped tonite. He came home with a bottle of rum and proceeded to get drunk. Not his usual self. Then the verbal started again. I kept stopping, reminding myself it is impossible to talk WITH him on a sober basis.  Under the best of circumstances there is no point arguing with someone that is drunk.  That’s it.  I’m done. I put in my ear buds and put my favorite radio station on.  Pulled up my half finished resume and worked on it for over an hour.  He finally went to bed. I imagine he got tired of hearing is own voice.

I wasn’t in the medical field, can barely have my own blood drawn without passing out.  I was making a comparison to any line of work that I would have put 11 years into.  I was a secretary in different companies and excelled to the point that I was the top person that was sent out when working for a temp agency in So. California and Nevada.  I did so well that at one point a Fortune 100 company bought out my contract.  I climbed to the top of the company within 6 months.

My obstacles are 1.  No vehicle.  Oh well.  I walked 2 miles round trip in a foot of snow for a couple of months when he left last year (on Christmas Day without telling me he was leaving).  I also lost 40 lbs and got back to my high school weight.  I have a nice bike and the bus stop is a shorter hike than last years treks.  2. Having a little difficulty with the resume program I’m using.  So, since I have had experience with temp agencies, I know that they test you first, and if you are open, honest, and show an eagerness to succeed, someone is bound to help you through some of these hurdles. 3. Limited funds but I learned to always keep some money stashed where no one can touch it.  You’d be surprised how fast nickels and dimes can add up and are not usually missed.

My strengths: 1. I’ve hit bottom and you should see what I can accomplish when I start back up.  Proven track record on that.  2. I am motivated, have no problem talking to people and do quite well at interviews.  I’ve seen some of the people in the clerical support field. Bring it on.  I’m always early and love to stay busy.  I know how to dress and shop for deals at the thrift store to get started. 3. My mind is always working and have saved a couple of companies hours by implementing simple proceedures. A good challenge should keep my mind off the negative also.  4. I’m not afraid to ask for reasonable help with my problems. 

You’re right, something about being older and wiser. Just wanted to let you know that I have looked for support groups in my area and there are none that I can find. Seached Meetup and googled everything that I could think of. Nothing. So, I found this little group. Seems like a good fit to me. Instead of meeting once a week, you responded to me a couple of hours later.  And I also just might learn something as I did from your post. Hopefully I can help someone else in turn with mine. 

Thanks for your supportive words.  This forum is an invaluable tool. It won’t be easy, but it wasn’t easy getting this miserable either.

Molly

So I thought we had made plans to go to an antique mall today, with a lunch/dinner plan.  Kind of wing it but spend the day together.  I can’t get him to talk or plan.  He does “this thing” where he clasps his mouth with his hand while his fingers are constantly moving.  Like he’s somewhere else completely.  No eye contact either. The only thing that he will talk about is “what he’s done for me “for our anniversary”".  He’s been on a frantic house cleaning mission for days.  After about the tenth time of him telling me this I called him on it.  He had earlier told me the real truth of this mission.  So I asked the question that set him completely off, “So which is it?  Did you do it for the reason you stated earlier or for me?”  That was all it took.  He doesn’t yell, he just raises his voice so I can’t be heard unless I scream, then I look like a total banshee. If I wait for him to finish, with a comfortable pause, and in a normal tone, he starts up again telling me (the usual line) “It’s all about YOU isn’t it?!” Over and over and over. I finally agree to stop the cycle.

Over the past 11 years I gave up my job so that I could go into business with him.  If I would have put those 11 years into a medical career, I would be a very skilled neurologist by now.  But with my Husband, I am still crawling on my hands and knees, picking up after him.  On the job he barely lets a customer get a word in while he boldly sings his praises of what an accomplished person he is. He is talented at what “we” do but rarely get called back to the same job.

We are constantly having money problems.  The solution.  The car “he bought me for a birthday present” (that I worked for also) is now his car since we couldn’t keep up the payment on his van.  I didn’t even want this car.  It was too expensive.  Finally got it paid off, now he has hocked it.  My wedding ring, in hock.  One memorable birthday a neighbor threw a small get together for me.  Hubby bought me a ring and necklace we couldn’t afford.  Made a show of giving it to me that night, though I was with him when he bought it and planned this charade, only to take it back for a refund the next day.

I’m too tired to leave and have no friends or family to rely on.  I have a backpack.  He keeps telling me if I don’t like it here, I can pack it and leave.  Convenient after he’s used everything up and am no use to him anymore.  “Just leave” is his other mantra. 

Happy Anniversary.  I just don’t care anymore and am tired of trying to come up with any kind of solution.