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  • molly195977

    Today is my 11th year anniversary.  To detail what I’ve been through this last year, including him leaving me in another State with no possible work options, and at his financial mercy, I can honestly say I have worked hard to travel 5 states to try again.  This has been the hardest year of my 52 years on earth.

    So I thought we had made plans to go to an antique mall today, with a lunch/dinner plan.  Kind of wing it but spend the day together.  I can’t get him to talk or plan.  He does “this thing” where he clasps his mouth with his hand while his fingers are constantly moving.  Like he’s somewhere else completely.  No eye contact either. The only thing that he will talk about is “what he’s done for me “for our anniversary”".  He’s been on a frantic house cleaning mission for days.  After about the tenth time of him telling me this I called him on it.  He had earlier told me the real truth of this mission.  So I asked the question that set him completely off, “So which is it?  Did you do it for the reason you stated earlier or for me?”  That was all it took.  He doesn’t yell, he just raises his voice so I can’t be heard unless I scream, then I look like a total banshee. If I wait for him to finish, with a comfortable pause, and in a normal tone, he starts up again telling me (the usual line) “It’s all about YOU isn’t it?!” Over and over and over. I finally agree to stop the cycle.

    Over the past 11 years I gave up my job so that I could go into business with him.  If I would have put those 11 years into a medical career, I would be a very skilled neurologist by now.  But with my Husband, I am still crawling on my hands and knees, picking up after him.  On the job he barely lets a customer get a word in while he boldly sings his praises of what an accomplished person he is. He is talented at what “we” do but rarely get called back to the same job.

    We are constantly having money problems.  The solution.  The car “he bought me for a birthday present” (that I worked for also) is now his car since we couldn’t keep up the payment on his van.  I didn’t even want this car.  It was too expensive.  Finally got it paid off, now he has hocked it.  My wedding ring, in hock.  One memorable birthday a neighbor threw a small get together for me.  Hubby bought me a ring and necklace we couldn’t afford.  Made a show of giving it to me that night, though I was with him when he bought it and planned this charade, only to take it back for a refund the next day.

    I’m too tired to leave and have no friends or family to rely on.  I have a backpack.  He keeps telling me if I don’t like it here, I can pack it and leave.  Convenient after he’s used everything up and am no use to him anymore.  “Just leave” is his other mantra. 

    Happy Anniversary.  I just don’t care anymore and am tired of trying to come up with any kind of solution.

  • Goldy55

    Hi Molly:  I was exactly where you are today, 2-3/4 yrs.ago; I understand your anquish!  I am here to tell you that you can pull yourself up by the boots straps & rise again.  I went through this for 33 yrs.  It’s not easy believe me!  You say you would be a skilled neurologist by now so I’m not sure where you left off w/your training.  Can you start at the point you left off or do you need to back-track a little bit to get going again?  Please, Please look into this if not for yourself, then for ME!  I want you to get back to the place you left before HIM!  You can do this!!!!!!!  Your 5 yrs. younger than me & I now realize even though I left my career behind 12 yrs. ago due to an injury which sidelined me, I am much wiser, smarter & better than ever!  From here on out, do only what is good for you……..no more US.  Get to a domestic violence center; explain your situation & they will give you step by step help to re-build yourself & your life.  This is abuse even if he isn’t physically assaulting you……………they will recognize this & explain it to you!  Please, please do this for me if not for yourself.  If you believe in God, pray & ask him for the help to get out of this situation!  He will help you I will assure you of that!  Luv, Goldy55

  • Goldy55

    HI Tessa:  Better late, that never, to your statement “believing this is a “genetic” inclination; I think this hits it right on the nail.  This behavior is so full of “negativity” I still can’t believe anyone thinks this way.  My experience, the experience of others on this site all points to the same “selfish”behavior, lack of self-esteem, narcissictic behavior directed to or at the “person” who “loved them”.  WHO DOES THIS!  Treats the supposed most important person in their life…………like a piece of garbage!  I’ve read no fewer than 15 books on this topic, most best sellers, describing what “behavior” destroys relationships.  I came to the same conclusion, based on Dr.John  Gottman’s numerous books on Marriages, Relationships, through working or everyday life, & they all come to the same conclusion……….this behavior which is blamed for the extremely high divorce rate will destroy any intimate relationship of any kind.  Since it is deemed almost rampant in our society as a whole, their does appear to be some type of genetic component which may turn it’s self “on” at sometime in life just like numerous diseases such as cancer, MS etc. etc.  Somebody should do a research study on this one!  There also appears to be a “direct” correlation to some type of “trauma, abuse or other negative” event in childhood!  Why some people come into adulthood, even though they may have suffered abuse as a child, unscathed & others who are permanently damaged by it is a DAM good ? 

  • molly195977

    Goldy,
    Thanks for your response. I guess that I just needed to hear some validation. 20 years ago I was in a physically abusive relationship that I was lucky enough to escape with my life. You know it’s bad when they call the coroner in to take your picture in the emergency room. Two weeks out of the ICU and I had a job. Four weeks out I had a nice studio apt.

    This relationship is not physically abusive but I have to tell you, some days I feel like I’ve been beat up.  The emotional is just as bad and I’m convinced that in some cases, it can kill you.  I’m done. The next time he tells me it’s all about me, at least I can agree with him in a reasonably calm voice.

    Something snapped tonite. He came home with a bottle of rum and proceeded to get drunk. Not his usual self. Then the verbal started again. I kept stopping, reminding myself it is impossible to talk WITH him on a sober basis.  Under the best of circumstances there is no point arguing with someone that is drunk.  That’s it.  I’m done. I put in my ear buds and put my favorite radio station on.  Pulled up my half finished resume and worked on it for over an hour.  He finally went to bed. I imagine he got tired of hearing is own voice.

    I wasn’t in the medical field, can barely have my own blood drawn without passing out.  I was making a comparison to any line of work that I would have put 11 years into.  I was a secretary in different companies and excelled to the point that I was the top person that was sent out when working for a temp agency in So. California and Nevada.  I did so well that at one point a Fortune 100 company bought out my contract.  I climbed to the top of the company within 6 months.

    My obstacles are 1.  No vehicle.  Oh well.  I walked 2 miles round trip in a foot of snow for a couple of months when he left last year (on Christmas Day without telling me he was leaving).  I also lost 40 lbs and got back to my high school weight.  I have a nice bike and the bus stop is a shorter hike than last years treks.  2. Having a little difficulty with the resume program I’m using.  So, since I have had experience with temp agencies, I know that they test you first, and if you are open, honest, and show an eagerness to succeed, someone is bound to help you through some of these hurdles. 3. Limited funds but I learned to always keep some money stashed where no one can touch it.  You’d be surprised how fast nickels and dimes can add up and are not usually missed.

    My strengths: 1. I’ve hit bottom and you should see what I can accomplish when I start back up.  Proven track record on that.  2. I am motivated, have no problem talking to people and do quite well at interviews.  I’ve seen some of the people in the clerical support field. Bring it on.  I’m always early and love to stay busy.  I know how to dress and shop for deals at the thrift store to get started. 3. My mind is always working and have saved a couple of companies hours by implementing simple proceedures. A good challenge should keep my mind off the negative also.  4. I’m not afraid to ask for reasonable help with my problems. 

    You’re right, something about being older and wiser. Just wanted to let you know that I have looked for support groups in my area and there are none that I can find. Seached Meetup and googled everything that I could think of. Nothing. So, I found this little group. Seems like a good fit to me. Instead of meeting once a week, you responded to me a couple of hours later.  And I also just might learn something as I did from your post. Hopefully I can help someone else in turn with mine. 

    Thanks for your supportive words.  This forum is an invaluable tool. It won’t be easy, but it wasn’t easy getting this miserable either.

    Molly

  • molly

    By the way, God IS the one that is guiding me.  I have a firm belief in Him and know he is helping me through this turbulent time.

  • Lesley

    Hello,  I have a rather unusual type of question. 

    Regarding the lack of intimacy in PA scenario’s, Nora what are your thoughts about an open marriage with a PA husband.  Mine…lol…plays or tries to play a bit of a jealousy game and was very interested in swinging which we did but it backfired on him.  He and I quote said “it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be”……this is because he thought it was just going to make me jealous and it would be better for him than me!  Boy was he wrong……so now he’s not too enthusiastic about it at all….lol.  I am thinking that perhaps I should discuss an open marriage but before I do that I am wondering what your experience with this are.

    Thanks.

  • Nora

    Lesley,
    I have no predetermined answer to your question.If he thought that this kind of proposition would enhance his own sexual disposition, I guess that he got frustrated. The dynamics of PA doesn’t play very well including others…you are supposed to be the only recipient of his frustrating moves. When it didn’t happen as he imagined, then comes his surprise, because in that way you stopped being controlled by his usual antics.
    You can go ahead with your proposal, but be very aware that there is not a lot of space in this game and he will flip, or do something to go back to the status quo….

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  • Al Orne

    Hello.  Just found this website.  My life is crumbling, largely because I have a completely passive aggressive husband.  I like the advice I have seen so far but don’t think they’re relevant to my situation because I don’t think my husband would mind one bit if I ignored him when he behaved badly.  He wouldn’t even notice.  In fact, if I didn’t talk to him or look at him or touch him or anything ever again, he wouldn’t give it a second thought.  I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children.  Any advice welcome.  Thanks.

  • Al Orne

    I showed this website to my husband.  Obviously, he just walked off without saying a word.  LOL.

  • Goldy55

    Dear Al:  I hope you don’t mind if you explain what the definition of “stuck in a marriage, but I am single w/3 children.  Let’s start with this answer & I believe you might be in the right place. 

  • http://www.creativeconflicts.com Nora Femenia

    Dear Al Orne,
    I understand your frustration, reflected in your famous phrase: single in a marriage with three children. I could not be more clear: you are feeling completely abandoned by him. As you describe him, he is acting as if he is detached from you completely. Is he detached also from the children? If so, there is little hope that he would show his affection for your group as a family.
    Regardless what can or can’t have happened in the past to cause this degree of emotional independence between you two, the gap is serious.
    You don’t say clearly if you approach him when he behaves badly or sometimes you reach out at him in more calm times…It would be useful here to see if there is any way of getting a reaction from him: if you don’t say anything when he behaves badly, but decide to appreciate the little “right behaviors,” like driving the kids to school, or paying the bills, or doing something common but necessary for the functioning of the home. This last situation should surprise him; he is not expecting from you any positive comment! if you can stop chasing him with PA readings, and do something extraordinary like appreciating something he has done, that will shake him up, and you would know that you can move him somehow and that his shield is not so impenetrable. Try to shake him, surprising him somehow,  only to feel that you have the power to do so….and you will discover that there are things left in your power. That will make you feel a bit better. 
    Hope this is clear, even if you can see it as a bitter pill; but you need to recover some self-esteem now.

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