Comments on: 5 Indicators of Passive Aggression

By: Carol D.

Carol D. — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:05:15 +0000

I’ve read through your article and all the other comments and I’m happy to hear from other women experiencing the same hell I have been enduring for 18 years. Recently, God has given me the strenght to walk out of our home (after years and years of “trying”). This is not a threat to him, forcing him to divorce, but I’m doing it convinced that I need to do a bit of self-preservation. I have been living so depressed for so many years! Now I can see our situation very clearly. I have grown so much in our marriage- (a lot thanks to his PA behavior) that I know now how we functioned together to block our personal development. He is still nursing his anger, doing negative things to others, which tells me he has not grown and needs to do his own work on himself. If I stay in the home he will wait and use the time and opportunities to attack me. He is afraid of being by himself, the worst kind of loneliness for my husband is being physically alone. That’s been my most painful discovery: He doesn’t love ME; he just doesn’t want to be ALONE. Anybody could be his “love object,” if staying in the house with him.
I wonder if now, with me out so that the pressure of being fully alone and left with the house and all its requirements and the loss of a social life (which I provide to him) will be enough to push him to do the solo work he needs to do.

If he doesn’t respond to the pain and does something to redeem himself, I wonder what inspiration will tell me what to do next. I am apartment hunting, and it is scary and fun.

I so don’t want a divorce…but in a very real way…my husband has not honored his vows to love me (if he doesn’t love himself correctly how can he love me?). His PA is a form of constant abuse as real and cruel as a punch to the face. Honoring our vows is more than just “not getting a divorce.” He needed to be loving and supportive, and instead I got this barren life where he even does not talk to me for days.

Now I got to understand that women married to PA husbands need to be “strong, warrior women” who can do the hard thing (teaching them) in a loving way and let them know we won’t tolerate this twisted logic any longer and we are in our right to call them out to be better men. It’s his call to answer, but now I will not bet my future peace to my married life!

There’s so much help available… on the internet, in groups anywhere. I pray for all of us to experience healing and freedom to do what we need to do (to free ourselves)and continue growing. The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years is to be in a bad marriage for 10 years and a day.

By: cossetedlife

cossetedlife — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:45:52 +0000

Well, the suggestion on looking at the positive aspects is not going well with me…I’m exhausted and angry after feeling left aside for so many years. Is there a way to show him my anger without him running for cover? I would like him to listen to me for once!

By: grockygirl

grockygirl — Sat, 30 May 2009 17:42:45 +0000

When I saw the posting on this web site, I felt that I had to join in, so I could share my experience! After being married to my PA hubby for 18 years (well, I spent 11 of those years trying to make sense of my situation!), I’m now divorcing him after having had a BELLYFUL of his behavior! It took a lot of convincing to realize that he is not intending to change anything, because he can’t.
The descriptions I’ve seen of the PA man describe him very well; in fact, I halfway expected a photo of him to pop up with the description of the PA personality disorder!
The procrastination, the sullenness, the always negative approach to life, the years of unemployment because he couldn’t get along with anyone at work, the controlling and manipulating me and our son (even manipulating the marriage counselor to side with him), well, the story goes on, and on, and on. Now he is spending his brain into stalling as much as he cans through the divorce process; I don’t care, because it feels like I have been resuscitated in my new single situation…I’m positive, and realistic, and looking ahead to my projects. I’m happy to have discovered that there is life after marriage with a PA man, and I applaud my decision to leave him. It was another of his catastrophic lies, when he was telling me that I was finished after 50….
Thanks for this site!