The Passive Aggressive Dance

January 20, 2012 – 3:20 pm
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WE ARE STUCK IN THIS DANCE:

HERS

HIS

I feel let down, isolated, and lonely.

If I  confront you to get you to see what
is hurting me
and come back to me..

It Just Drives You Away,
You became defensive and justify yourself.

 

If I despair, you retreat even more
Then I get more upset,
desperate, and lonely…

And I Lose My Faith in You
And In Our Marriage.

Looking at you being down gets me
scared but you don’t keep silent,
you tell me and your tale of hurt scares
me even more…

Did I Do That To You?
Really?

Is better to see you angry with me
than hurt I want to escape anyhow, or
to show you how wrong you are,
why don’t you see how I care?

If I explain my reasons, it drives you mad…
What can I offer you, but my logical reasons?

I’m Terrified By
The Fear of Losing You!

 

What are we doing? We are repeating a performance where we hide our sore spots from each other:

You hurting and lonely, and me feeling like a kind of idiot…

I need, says her, to be able to ask for company and don’t feel rejected or ridiculed.

I need, says him, to be able to use my usual responses in a way that you don’t label them as negative, so I feel accepted and can replace them with better others.

He could say: “I know I have neglected you, worried about work issues. When I hear that you are sad and angry, I don’t know what to do and escape… and I have to deny my needs of being near you. If you give me a chance and stop evaluating my behavior, I can get together and appreciate your needs better.”

She could say: “I now know that when I panic and imagine that I’m left alone, is because it hurts so much remembering that my family left me alone too many times… If I give you a chance, and don’t compare you with them, probably then you can get near me without conflict? Because I really need your attention!”

What are they doing? The exchanges you see above demonstrate what we call the basic passive aggressive dance. Each person “dances” around in a passive aggressive way because neither really knows how to get what they want from the other. (Of course, without asking for it: this is the passive aggressive piece of the behavior)

What is needed is a different kind of conversation, where we can invite the parties to acknowledge their basic needs…. She has to say how lonely she is, he has to say how terrified he is of losing her, and how impotent both are of  fulfilling simple needs, because they are so wrapped up in their own perception that they can’t see the other’s perspective.

The dance finishes when both sides can acknowledge the other side’s basic human needs…. and accept that the marriage deal is exactly that: I will take care of identifying and solving your needs… and you will do the same for me.

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

By Neil Warner | Posted in assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, Relationship Repair | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)

Passive Aggressive Husband

Passive Aggressive Husband

New Year, New Self?

January 2, 2012 – 3:46 pm
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All the New Year Resolutions we hash out semi convinced at the big end of the year party have a common root…all stem from and connect with that ideal self that we all carry inside. Our “ideal person.”

So here is the universal wish: “I want the new year to be the time when I get to live as the person I want to be. Nothing more, nothing less…”

What does it mean? and we don’t refer here to a lonely mirror image of our ideal self, in any way.  This New Self is a social image; has to be confirmed and valued and appreciated by the people around us…our loved ones have to see us in this best light: as the person we want to be always, not a lesser image never complete or satisfactory.

Perhaps this is the daily fight. Perhaps this is the aspiration that brings us into relationships: we need others to mirror a good and valued image of us. Perhaps this other person will be loving enough, compassionate enough as to see me, the real, good me hidden under superficial trappings, and always ready to do better.

What if we could conceive relationships as the arena where we invite each other to develop into this excellent version of him/herself? What if we described marriage as a “society for mutual admiration” where both sides could get recognition and confirmation of their reciprocal best aspects? That really would help us a lot to grow into that admired, and always elusive project, of “the best person I can be.”

Now, this wish is functional to the relationship; is clearly the core of it…helping each other develop their best aspects and grow. So personal development gets linked with the kind of attachment we have in our lives: positive, nurturing attachment will develop our best selves; insecure or hostile attachment will freeze us into a permanent frustration of our personal growth…

Getting to this point, I wish to remember readers that personal development is our true job in life; that attachments help or hinder us in this permanent growing up project, and that, if we consider our reciprocal ties as the dirt where from our growth comes through, then relationships are the ground where we root to develop better into the person we want (and need) to be.

Now, we wish our readers good, nurturing attachments where to feel secure and appreciated; to be able to face harsh relationships as another way of growing up by becoming stronger through pain; in short, that each of you knows who is this man or woman they want to be, and never get lost getting there!

MIGHT YOUR NEW YEAR RESOLUTION, OR YOUR DEEP WISH BECOME A REALITY!

By Neil Warner | Posted in assertiveness, healthy happy relationship, Relationship Repair | Comments (0)

Fairfighting

Fair Fighting For Couples

Wishing you a wonderful Holidays season!

December 22, 2011 – 4:27 pm
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By Neil Warner | Posted in assertiveness, Passive Aggressive Husband, Relationship Repair | Comments (0)

Passive Aggressive Husband

Passive Aggressive Husband

Does Your Relationship Need Repair?

December 5, 2011 – 3:01 pm
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Confrontations don’t just magically stop happening!
To handle conflict correctly and learn from past mistakes, partners need a protocol to manage life’s inevitable confrontations and they need to know how to do relationship repair.
We don’t often think past getting into a relationship – but taking care of a relationship is just as important!

Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. Here, however, we want to discuss the basics of repairing a relationship and making it as healthy as it can be. This is especially important in a passive aggressive marriage – trying to keep the relationship alive and solid enough to move forward from requires being fully aware of how relationships should and must work.

To have a healthy relationship, basic human needs must be considered. You have to meet your spouse’s needs, and your spouse must meet yours. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need other humans! Of course, you must be familiar with and learn to recognize these basic needs, and then your “repair work” can be based on that need.

You can find out which of your spouse’s basic needs is being frustrated in the marriage by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently. Conversely, you can start to consider which of your needs are being frustrated by doing the same exercise.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair ideas be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate. Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” You don’t need to draw out long explanations about whether or not the plans are feasible.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said in your own words, then ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Join us for free at “Relationship Repair,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

By Neil Warner | Posted in assertiveness, Relationship Repair | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)

Recover From Anger

Recover From Anger

The National Relationships Repair Month project has begun!

December 4, 2011 – 2:40 pm
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Here at CCR we have this passion for providing new tools and tactics for our readers to keep learning how to improve relationships and so have happier lives.
This the time of holiday wishes, and we wish for you to have more happiness than now, by reducing friction and conflicts.
Do you know about the National Relationships Repair Month project? Is a process that takes only four weeks, to teach people the basics of how to identify their sources of suffering and how to learn and adopt behaviors that will yield better results in love and connection with others.
So, you too are invited!
Please, go here to register: “Relationship Repair Month”

and join us for a better life.

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
By Neil Warner | Posted in assertiveness, Relationship Repair, toxic relationship | Comments (0)

Passive Aggressive Husband

Passive Aggressive Husband

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